Happy Kids by Cathy Glass (best pdf reader for ebooks TXT) 📗

If it is unacceptable for Tom to rest his feet on the coffee table (which it would be in my house), then Request him to put his feet down –‘Tom, take your feet off the coffee table, please. We put food on there.’Repeat your Request if necessary and then Reaffirm with the warning of an appropriate sanction –‘Tom, if you continue to put your feet on the coffee table, I will be stopping your allowance to buy a new one.’

Likewise if when you go to have your bath after Claire has had hers, you find a scum mark, or nail or hair clippings unappealingly decorating the white porcelain, then Request Claire to clean the bath. Allow her a reasonable time – twenty minutes – to do it, as teens tend not to act immediately, especially if the task is not something they relish. Repeat your Request if it has not been done at the end of the time –‘Claire, come and clear out the mess in the bath, now please. I am waiting to use it.’If you have been using the 3Rs since Claire was small, then she is likely to do as you have asked, aware you mean what you say. If Claire isn’t used to responding to your Request, then Repeat, and Reaffirm, pointing out the sanction if necessary –‘Claire, I’m waiting for you to clean out the bath. Soon I will be deducting 50p off from your pocket money for every minute I wait.’

Although a messy bath isn’t a huge incident in itself, if it happens every day, together with other inconsiderate behaviour, your irritation will escalate into a scene where you find yourself shouting that Claire is selfish, and citing all her unreasonable behaviour in one go. It’s much better for everyone in the family to deal with incidents separately and as they arise. If you are dealing with more than one issue, then prioritise: focus on the messy bath now and leave the state of her bedroom for another time.

Bedrooms

Speaking of bedrooms, children of this age spend an inordinate amount of time in their rooms. Even on a lovely summer’s day they can be found in their room, with the curtains closed and the light on. This is normal behaviour. However, if your young teen is spending every evening and weekend shut in his or her room and also appears sullen and withdrawn, make sure they are not worried or depressed. Children at this age have a lot to contend with, and quite small things can get out of perspective and cause them to become withdrawn and even depressed. If you have concerns about your child, talk to them and try to found out what is worrying them. If necessary seek help from a counsellor trained in counselling teenagers and young adults.

House rules

House rules – relating to bedtime, coming-in time, completion of school work, household chores and reasonable tidiness, etc. – will be mainly determined and overseen by you at this age, and you will need to reinforce them using the 3Rs. Request Tom or Claire to do whatever it is you expect them to do, then Repeat and Reaffirm as necessary.

If Tom or Claire is not used to clear and consistent boundaries, then this pre- and early teen phase is likely to be more difficult as you put in place the guidelines. It is never too late to put in place boundaries and guidelines (see Chapter 6); and your child will need them more than ever now as his or her world quickly opens up with all manner of new experiences and decisions.

If you have a partner, it is important to work together. Don’t side with your young teen against your partner in front of them. If you disagree with the way your partner is handling Tom or Claire’s behaviour, then discuss it with them, away from your child. If, after consideration, you both feel it is appropriate to adjust a boundary or guideline, perhaps seeing it as too restrictive, then you can say to your teen, ‘Your dad and I have had a chat and decided that you can go to the youth club on Thursday evening as long as you do your homework first.’ Far from Tom or Claire thinking you are weak, he or she will respect the fact that you have both taken his or her request seriously, given it careful thought and had the confidence to adjust your decision. Your reasonableness will be an example to your child – none of us gets it right all of the time, not even adults. But remember, always discuss matters of discipline away from your teen.

Truancy

Truancy from school can be a big problem at this age, as the young teen rebels, seeking risk and excitement from the challenge of not being caught. In the UK, by the time children reach sixteen 90 per cent of them will have truanted at some time. On a typical school day there are 50,000 children not in school in the UK, and over eight million school days are lost across the UK each year.

The very occasional missed lesson is not going to turn your child into a school dropout, although clearly you should not condone it or encourage it by providing a ‘sick note’. If your young teen regularly misses school or is distressed at the prospect of going to school, hear warning bells. He or she may be having friendship problems, being bullied or finding the work too difficult and therefore stressful. Children at secondary school are under huge pressure to achieve academically, as well as having to cope with all that adolescence brings. Spend time talking to your young teen and find out what the problem is.

If there is no reason for them truanting, and they are simply bucking against the ‘system’ as part of rebelling, then you will need to make them go to school. It