Love Is for Losers by Wibke Brueggemann (ebook pc reader .txt) 📗

an advanced sudoku.

I must have looked like a fish out of water, all twitchy, with huge fish eyes, and a gasping fish mouth.

Weird how much can happen in one second.

10:21 P.M.

If Emma had kissed me, I think I would have kissed her back, even though I have no idea how to kiss someone like Emma.

10:50 P.M.

Who am I kidding? I don’t know how to kiss anyone, but it never mattered, because it never mattered.

I wonder if Emma is feeling any of the things I’m feeling, because there are moments when I think it’s impossible I’m the only one who’s losing her mind over this.

It’s so different in Romeo and Juliet, because they basically kiss before they even know each other, which not only makes their love story a lot less complicated than people want to admit, but a lot less heartbreaking in the end.

PS: I’m going to have to get that list back out if I don’t want to go INSANE!

PPS: “These violent delights have violent ends.” (Friar Laurence, Romeo and Juliet, act 2, scene 6.)

PPPS: I also spoke to Mum today, and I realized that sometimes I forget she exists.

Monday, June 18 #Brainfreeze

Polly and I went to Starbucks this afternoon, because:

a)  we didn’t have school, and

b)  Tristan had a dentist appointment.

Polly: I can’t believe GCSEs are basically over.

Me: I know. I hated it, and I never want to do it again, but it wasn’t too bad, looking back.

Polly: I bet you never even studied.

Me: Of course I studied. And the only reason I didn’t study as much as I’d originally planned was because I can’t think straight at the moment. But luckily I always paid attention in class, not like you, always thinking about Tristan.

Polly (staring into the distance, eyes glazing over): I know. I’m so in love.

Me: Please, I’m eating.

Polly: One day you’ll be in love, and you’ll be happy like me.

Me:…

So for the rest of the afternoon, all I could think of was that maybe I’m not in love, because I’m certainly not happy, I’m miserable. I’m a mess. And maybe you can only be in love when the other person is also in love with you. Which would mean that right now I’m basically one of those freaky fan celebrity stalkers. Except the other person knows I exist.

I’d see a psychiatrist, but imagine going to one with something this stupid.

I’m still hoping it will go away, because Polly was in love with Adam Smith once, and now she’s just like: “Meh, he wasn’t that great.”

Tuesday, June 19 #IHateHumans

Further Mathematics 1 was okay.

What I hate most is people doing last-minute studying in the corridor or on the toilet. Like you’re going to have a eureka moment at that point.

Miriam Patel is the worst for it.

Here’s what GCSEs have taught me above all else: I hate people.

Today someone was doing that thing when they were sucking snot back up into their nose every thirty seconds for the entire duration of the exam, instead of blowing their nose once and being done with it.

I could have punched someone.

Maybe I’m not capable of going on a space mission after all. It would be just my luck to be on the same rocket ship as the snot-sucker-upper.

Polly and I went to Starbucks after school.

We sat outside, and for a moment, it felt like last year’s summer holidays, and I took a deep breath, and then I thought how I haven’t noticed taking a breath for, like, months.

Polly was like: “What’s different with you?”

I told her that I’m tired, but she looked at me through half-closed eyes, stretching her legs after what must have been an exhausting dance GCSE, and went: “We’re all tired…”

I can’t talk to her about it.

Also, what if I said to her: Oh, by the way, remember Emma?

What’s the point?

Emma could be with anybody. Why would she want to be with me?

Wednesday, June 20 #HowToFixTheUnfixable

We need to do something about Bill.

Kate says that Pat says that he’s going to actually die of a broken heart.

I’ve Googled it, and even though it seems to be largely a myth, there are recorded occurrences where couples have died within minutes or days of each other. It’s odd to think that your body would allow that, because have you ever tried holding your breath? The body proper fights for it.

I messaged Emma to see if she has any suggestions.

Me: How did you get over Bradley dying?

Emma: I didn’t.

Me: Sorry.

Emma: OK.

Me: How do you keep going?

Emma: Because of my parents. I don’t want them to see me broken. I don’t think they could handle it.

Me: Are you still broken, then?

Emma: Yes.

Me: I wish you were happy.

Emma: I am happy. But I’m also broken. But it takes a lot of work to be both.

Me: What about Bill?

Emma: I don’t know. I think he needs something to live for.

Me: Pat?

Emma: LOL.

Me: Seriously, though.

Emma: Maybe we need to tell him that he’s got responsibilities at the shop. I mean, he actually has.

Me: True. Kate’s already complaining that Pat’s at Bill’s all the time and nothing in the shop gets done.

Emma: And we haven’t been there loads, either.

Me: I know.

Emma: I have to go now. Talk to you tomorrow?

Me: I’ll be at work tomorrow. Talk to you then.

Emma: x

Me: x

Thursday, June 21 #TheGameIsOn

Further Mathematics 2 marked the end of my GCSEs.

Loads of people were having a get-together in the park after, but I was just like: I need to not see you for a while, and so I went to the thrift shop as promised.

Kate had bought me a bunch of flowers to say well done, and she kissed my face for literally five minutes whilst holding me in a death grip.

Emma just laughed.

Because we’ve been shit, Emma and I decided to up our game and have an actual donation of the week contest with each other. And this is how it’ll work:

Instead of just having the one, we’re going to choose one ridiculous donation each, work on the display, try