I Had a Miscarriage by Jessica Zucker (classic books to read .TXT) 📗

cutting the umbilical cord, and made a conscious effort to secure my survival. I parked in front of the place where life turned upside down, inside out at four months along. The light was almost exactly as it had been on that mid-October day: golden and decisive. It felt uncannily familiar. I wept briefly as I sank into remembering while looking up past the bamboo trees and into the rectangular window of the bathroom where she was born too soon. Olive. My love and compassion for all you women who feel this ache is fierce and enduring. May we persist in telling our important stories. My Olive, I think of you still. I’ll think of you always.

Epilogue

Dear Miscarriage,

Oh, how you have changed it all.

You give me no choice other than to dedicate much of my heart, energy, and love to you—to change how culture silences you, shrouds you in shame. You deserve serious and pointed attention.

I love you for helping me better understand suffering and resilience.

I’ve opened my heart fully to you.

I loathe you for the droplets of hopelessness interspersed. And the terrorizing anxiety that clung to my subsequent pregnancy.

But here’s the thing, miscarriage: I’ve spent so much time getting to know you and my deepest self, my fundamental strength. I think—or more accurately, I know—it’s time (long overdue, perhaps) that society spotlight you.

Highlight you. In neon.

No more shadowed, isolated grievers. No more mourners wondering if they did something to deserve this. Nope. No more.

Just love.

Tenderness.

Honesty.

Hope.

And the ever-present proof that being human renders us vulnerable.

It’s tough to say I love you, but I will say this: I love who you’ve helped me become.

With fortitude and a dedication to changing the dialogue around you,

Jessica

(a.k.a. @IHadaMiscarriage)

PS I’m sticking around. Don’t think I’m going anywhere when it comes to you, miscarriage. You indelibly changed my emotional landscape, so you better believe I’m gonna do my best to evolve you, too.

Notes

  1.  Katherine Hobson, “People Have Misconceptions about Miscarriage, and That Can Hurt,” NPR, May 8, 2015, https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/05/08/404913568/people-have-misconceptions-about-miscarriage-and-that-hurts.

  2.  Rebecca J. Mercier, Katherine Senter, Rachel Webster, and Amy Henderson Riley, “Instagram Users’ Experiences of Miscarriage,” Obstetrics & Gynecology 135, no. 1 (2020): 166–73, https://doi.org/10.1097/AOG.0000000000003621.

  3.  Jessica Farren, Maria Jalmbrant, Lieveke Ameye, et al., “Post-Traumatic Stress, Anxiety and Depression following Miscarriage or Ectopic Pregnancy: A Prospective Cohort Study,” BMJ Open 6, no. 11 (2016), https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjopen-2016-011864.

  4.  Peter J. Fashing, Nga Nguyen, Tyler S. Barry, et al., “Death among Geladas (Theropithecus Gelada): A Broader Perspective on Mummified Infants and Primate Thanatology,” American Journal of Primatology 73 no. 5 (2011): 405–409, https://doi.org/10.1002/ajp.20902.

  5.  Jessica Pierce, “Do Animals Experience Grief?” Smithsonian Magazine, August 24, 2018, https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/do-animals-experience-grief-180970124/; Barbara J. King, “When Animals Mourn: Seeing That Grief Is Not Uniquely Human,” NPR, April 11, 2013, https://www.npr.org/sections/13.7/2013/04/11/176620943/when-animals-mourn-seeing-that-grief-is-not-uniquely-human; Carl Safina, “The Depths of Animal Grief,” PBS, July 8, 2015, https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/article/animal-grief/.

  6.  Jerrold S. Meyer and Amanda F. Hamel, “Models of Stress in Nonhuman Primates and Their Relevance for Human Psychopathology and Endocrine Dysfunction,” ILAR Journal 55 no. 2 (2014): 347–60, https://doi.org/10.1093/ilar/ilu023.

  7.  Rosanne Cecil, ed., The Anthropology of Pregnancy Loss: Comparative Studies in Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Neo-natal Death (Oxford, UK: Berg Publishers, 1996).

  8.  Cecil, The Anthropology of Pregnancy Loss.

  9.  Shannon Withycombe, “Happy Miscarriages: An Emotional History of Pregnancy Loss,” Nursing Clio, November 12, 2015, https://nursingclio.org/2015/11/12/happy-miscarriages-an-emotional-history-of-pregnancy-loss/.

10.  Shannon Withycombe, Lost: Miscarriage in Nineteenth-Century America (New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers University Press, 2018).

11.  Leslie J. Reagan, “From Hazard to Blessing to Tragedy: Representations of Miscarriage in Twentieth-Century America,” Feminist Studies 29, no. 2 (2003): 356–78, https://www.jstor.org/stable/3178514.

12.  Daniela Blei, “The History of Talking about Miscarriage,” The Cut, April 23, 2018, https://www.thecut.com/2018/04/the-history-of-talking-about-miscarriage.html.

13.  Jonah Bardos, Daniel Hercz, Jenna Friedenthal, et al., “A National Survey on Public Perceptions of Miscarriage,” Obstetrics & Gynecology 125, no. 6 (2015): 1313–20, https://doi.org/10.1097/aog.0000000000000859.

14.  Bardos, Hercz, Friedenthal, et al., “A National Survey on Public Perceptions of Miscarriage,” 1313–20.

15.  Raj Rai and Lesley Regan, “Recurrent Miscarriage,” The Lancet 368, no. 9535 (2006): 601–11, https://doi.org/10.1016/S0140-6736(06)69204-0.

16.  Bardos, Hercz, Friedenthal, et al., “A National Survey on Public Perceptions of Miscarriage,” 1313–20.

17.  Lynn Okura, “Brené Brown on Shame: ‘It Cannot Survive Empathy,’” HuffPost, August 26, 2013, https://www.huffpost.com/entry/brene-brown-shame_n_3807115.

18.  Hobson, “People Have Misconceptions about Miscarriage, and That Can Hurt.”

19.  Merriam-Webster Online, s.v. “karma,” https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/karma.

20.  National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), “People of Color and Eating Disorders,” accessed July 8, 2020, https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/people-color-and-eating-disorders.

21.  Hobson, “People Have Misconceptions about Miscarriage, and That Can Hurt”; Bardos, Hercz, Friedenthal, et al., “A National Survey on Public Perceptions of Miscarriage,” 1313–20; Joshua Johnson, “What Does It Mean to Lose a Pregnancy?” June 5, 2019, in 1A, produced by Paige Osburn, podcast, MP3 audio, https://www.npr.org/2019/06/05/730018199/what-does-it-mean-to-lose-a-pregnancy.

22.  American Psychological Association, What Is Postpartum Depression & Anxiety? 2008, https://www.apa.org/pi/women/resources/reports/postpartum-depression.

23.  Lexico, s.v. “healing,” https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/healing.

24.  Wikipedia, s.v. “Healing,” accessed April 23, 2019, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Healing.

Acknowledgments

This book project came to fruition as a result of many dedicated, extraordinary people who believe in the transformative nature of storytelling. I am in awe of the unyielding support I received from my team throughout the process.

I am deeply grateful to my literary agent, Kate Johnson, for her unflinching belief in my voice. Ever since we connected, Kate’s confidence in me has acted as a guiding light. Bringing rigor and levity to the process, her authenticity served as an ongoing reminder that the topic of pregnancy loss does in fact deserve to be normalized and deftly integrated into the zeitgeist.

Jamia Wilson and Lauren Rosemary Hook brought editorial brilliance and incisive wisdom to every aspect of the book-writing process. Their perspectives elevated the way I approached memoir writing and encouraged nuance and moxie as I made my way through the manifesto elements of the book as well. The Feminist Press team as a whole, especially Jisu Kim, Lucia Brown, and Rachel Page, have brought this book to life with passion, and to each and every one of them, I am thankful.

Sara Gaynes Levy’s editorial cogency and insight helped shepherd me through this process. Editor turned friend, Sara was at once a cheerleader and a devoted editorial wizard. To her, I am thankful beyond measure. I also owe gratitude to Kay Friedman Holland and Laura Norkin for their ingenious acumen. They helped bring this book to new heights.

I credit Jessica Schneider, my obstetrician and dear friend, with providing exemplary medical care. Had she not walked