Higher Ground by Becky Black (notion reading list txt) 📗

do so; he’d been doing it since the first day, talking to people, encouraging them, taking their minds off the hardship, assessing the mood of the group. But he wasn’t talking today, and people kept looking at him with nervous expressions, wondering what kept him quiet. Did people assume it was worry and fear? Or did some more sensitive ones realize he and Zach were having issues?

Issues? Funny word to describe total relationship breakdown. Zach’s words kept playing over and over in his mind. Not beholden to each other. Adam had already feared the relationship wouldn’t last, but hearing Zach talk so calmly about it had freaked him out. Didn’t he care? Didn’t he even want to fight for what they had? Or were those proclamations of love born of fear and adrenaline? Had Zach looked back on them with a cooler head and dismissed them as nonsense?

“Fuck.” Glyn, walking nearby, stumbled on loose rock, and Adam grabbed his arm to keep him upright. “Fuck,” Glyn muttered. “I fucking hate this shit.”

“I know. We’ll be stopping for lunch soon. You okay?”

“No, I’m not okay. I just had to watch the ship I should be on picking up other people and flying off again. So I’m kind of pissed, okay?”

Adam withdrew from him a little but spoke sympathetically. “I know. Hard to watch.”

“Why the hell did those idiots turn back anyway?”

“It’s a long story.”

“Truth is, he couldn’t cut it, right?” He gestured ahead of them at Zach. “He’s not a real leader, is he? He’s an amateur.”

“It fell to him, that’s all. I think he’s done okay.”

“Yeah? Tell that to the families of the thousand people he couldn’t even persuade to leave Arius.”

“He did his…” Adam stopped himself. “You weren’t there, okay?”

He walked faster, away from Glyn, until he almost caught up with Zach. At the last moment, he didn’t move to walk at his side but stayed a couple of meters behind. Close enough so if Zach stumbled Adam would catch him.

He glanced back at Glyn, who had a surly look on his face and was looking daggers at Zach. Or maybe at Adam. Maybe at both of them. Had his rejection last night upset Glyn enough to make him so snappy? Or was it only the sight of the ship? The sight of it leaving?

But still, screw him. It hadn’t been Zach’s fault the group split. He’d begged them to stay. Like he’d begged the rest of the population to leave Arius. Not his fault they’d stayed and died. Zach had done fine. He might not be a natural leader, but he was smart, and he’d done what a smart man did when he saw a gap in his abilities—brought in others to help him. Some of those others had gone, but he still had Adam and Simon. Simon was a rock, calm and reliable, and Adam knew he should try to be the same. Zach needed him. If not in his bed, he needed him at his side as his morale officer and advisor. To let him down because of their personal issues would make Adam a child.

Simon must be suffering, he thought, parted from his wife and daughter, but he never complained. He got on and did the job he’d taken on. So did Zach. Adam had to do the same. He’d give it 100 percent. No, 110 percent. That would make up for the rest of his life, when he’d never given anything more than 90 percent.

“Adam.” Glyn caught up and walked beside him, voice low enough Zach wouldn’t hear him. “Sorry about snapping at you. I shouldn’t have said those things. I’m sure Zach’s tried his best, no matter how badly things have turned out. I’m sure he meant well.”

Adam glanced across to him, seeing a look of remorse on his face. But in his eyes he had something of the hunger he’d demonstrated last night.

“Apology accepted,” Adam said. Glyn opened his mouth to speak again, but Adam cut him off. “Excuse me, I have to see Simon about something.” He turned away. Screw Glyn. Last night and moments ago, Adam had seen other sides to the man and didn’t like them much. After hearing such heartfelt bitterness in Glyn’s words about Zach, this sudden contrition and apology rang hollow. Adam didn’t trust it.

He put Glyn out of his mind and thought instead about what he’d do when they stopped for the night. He had to clear the air with Zach and make up. This was just a stupid fight. He’d had some spectacular fights with boyfriends in the past and been loved up and cozy again a day later. It could be that way with Zach. Even if the crazy situation had made them move too fast in the relationship, it didn’t mean they had to rush headlong to the breakup. They had to do as they’d said they would. Assess things once they were away from here and could be more normal.

Zach looked back over his shoulder and caught Adam’s eye. Adam smiled at him. An encouraging smile. If they made up tonight and made love, would that be in the same spirit of encouragement? A pity fuck? Oh hell, no way. Sex with Zach was damn good. It wouldn’t stop being good if they weren’t madly in love. Adam had slept with plenty of guys who weren’t in love with him. He hadn’t kicked any of them out of bed and told them to take their blowjobs elsewhere. Sex was sex. Would Zach feel the same way?

Many people would assume someone as intellectual as Zach lived too much in his head to be deeply interested in sex, but Zach approached his work and his personal life with the same passion. The same principles too. He’d shown that in refusing to make a bogus prediction about the rate of the sinking. It hadn’t been needed in the end. People had slowed for a while but were moving at full speed again. Watching the