Snow Job by Tara Wyatt (best large ereader .txt) 📗

Lane cut in. “That’s your takeaway from all of that? Come on, dude. Focus.” She turned to Sebastian. “Tell me why you’re here.”

“Because it doesn’t matter anymore. I tried to do better and I failed. Spectacularly. So it doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.”

“Whoa, whoa,” said Bodhi quietly, leaning his elbows on the bar. “That’s just not true, dude.”

“I know you’re feeling shitty right now,” said Lane, “but as cliché as it sounds this too shall pass. Everything is a season, and you’re in a crappy one right now. But don’t make it worse by punishing yourself for something you couldn’t have stopped.”

“It sounds like you’ve come really far, man. Don’t let this derail you. What do we say when kids fall on the mountain?”

“It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, only how many times you get up,” Sebastian muttered.

“Yeah, man. So here’s your chance to get up.”

“And the more you get up, the better you’re going to get at it,” added Lane

“Listen, guys, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I just want to be left alone.” He pretended to be fascinated by the basketball game, although he no longer cared. The urge to look up the odds had passed, and he realized he was grateful for that.

“Nope. Not an option tonight,” said Lane, crossing her arms. “You came here to self-destruct, well guess what? We’re the motherfucking bomb squad.”

He rolled his eyes and bit back a smile. “Uh huh.” He sipped his Coke and leaned back in his seat. “I appreciate the sentiment, but you can’t fix this for me.”

“No one’s telling you how to fix anything, dude,” said Bodhi. “It’s okay not to be okay. That’s some gnarly shit that happened. But do you really think pushing Kayla away makes it any better?”

“She’s not safe if she’s with me.”

“I thought you said all of your debts were officially paid off?” asked Lane.

“They are.” They’d found one other loan shark that he’d owed some money to, but that was it. Lucian had turned over so many stones they’d had loan sharks scurrying around like cockroaches.

“Then is this really about you trying to keep her safe, or about you thinking you’re not good enough for her because of what happened?” asked Lane.

“Of course it fucking is,” he said, his tone more heated than he’d intended. “How could I possibly be good enough for her after what I put her through? After what I caused? She could’ve fucking died because of me.”

“But she didn’t,” said Lane calmly. “Thank God. She didn’t. And it’s not like you put her in that situation on purpose.”

“No, but—”

Lane cut him off. “You’ve overcome so much, Sebastian. A knee injury, loss of a dream, addiction. That’s a lot of heavy shit. But don’t let that heavy shit drag you down. You rose up. You deserve happiness. And right now, you have a choice. You can choose to believe all of the negative shit swirling through your brain, or you can choose happiness. Because you do deserve it. You do.”

“Yeah, man,” said Bodhi, nodding. “Brains are fucked. Just cause you think or feel something doesn’t make it true. If you choose your thoughts, choose your beliefs, you get to choose how you feel.”

“Is that Pema Chodron too?” he asked, sipping his Coke.

“Nah, I think I saw that on Lifehacker or something.”

“Everyone has their battles to fight,” said Lane, laying a hand on his shoulder. “Everyone. Yours is harder than most. But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to have someone fighting with you, at your side. And it doesn’t mean leaving Kayla to fight alone was the right thing to do.”

Well, fuck. Lane’s point landed and he felt something loosen in his chest. She had a point. Several points. They both did. What was he doing, hanging out in a bar?

They were right. He had a choice. He’d always had the choice. The only difference between now and a year ago was that he had the strength and self-awareness to make better choices. And he’d been making better ones up until two weeks ago when he’d walked away from the best thing that had happened to him in a very long time. Quite possibly his entire damn life.

Life was a series of choices, and he hadn’t always made the right ones. Hell, he often hadn’t made the right ones. But Kayla had never been a mistake. The only mistake had been walking away from her.

“She might not take you back,” said Lane, as though she could read his mind. “But you have to try. You have to make the choice to see yourself as deserving and try. If she forgives you for bailing, then everyone wins. And if she doesn’t, then you’ll learn and move on.” She leaned in close. “And if I find you in a bar with a drink in your hand again, I’ll kick your ass.”

Sebastian laughed. “Deal.”

His mind spun as he left the bar, but not the way it had before. He’d come so close to backsliding, even though he hadn’t wanted to. As he ventured out into the night to wait for his Uber back to the resort, it hit him. People cared about him and loved him whether he felt worthy of it or not. His siblings, his friends. Kayla. He didn’t get to tell people how they felt about him—that was up to them. And Lane was right. He had a choice. He could push them away, choose to believe he wasn’t good enough, or he could make a different choice.

He could choose love.

21

Kayla clicked to the next slide, trying to focus on her presentation. Stammler sat at the head of the conference room table, texting on his phone, looking bored. Asshole.

She cleared her throat and continued. “So, as you can see that while we’re nearly at the close of the first quarter—”

A woman poked her head into the room, an apologetic smile on her face. “Miss Bristowe? There’s someone here to see you,” said Simone,