Right Ho, Jeeves - P. G. Wodehouse (the top 100 crime novels of all time .TXT) 📗

work. Not a chance. All you have done is to subject Mr. Fink-Nottle to the nameless horrors of a fancy-dress ball for nothing. And this is not the first time this sort of thing has happened. To be quite candid, Jeeves, I have frequently noticed before now a tendency or disposition on your part to become⁠—what’s the word?”

“I could not say, sir.”

“Eloquent? No, it’s not eloquent. Elusive? No, it’s not elusive. It’s on the tip of my tongue. Begins with an e and means being a jolly sight too clever.”

“Elaborate, sir?”

“That is the exact word I was after. Too elaborate, Jeeves⁠—that is what you are frequently prone to become. Your methods are not simple, not straightforward. You cloud the issue with a lot of fancy stuff that is not of the essence. All that Gussie needs is the elder-brotherly advice of a seasoned man of the world. So what I suggest is that from now onward you leave this case to me.”

“Very good, sir.”

“You lay off and devote yourself to your duties about the home.”

“Very good, sir.”

“I shall no doubt think of something quite simple and straightforward yet perfectly effective ere long. I will make a point of seeing Gussie tomorrow.”

“Very good, sir.”

“Right ho, Jeeves.”

But on the morrow all those telegrams started coming in, and I confess that for twenty-four hours I didn’t give the poor chap a thought, having problems of my own to contend with.

III

The first of the telegrams arrived shortly after noon, and Jeeves brought it in with the before-luncheon snifter. It was from my Aunt Dahlia, operating from Market Snodsbury, a small town of sorts a mile or two along the main road as you leave her country seat.

It ran as follows:

Come at once. Travers.

And when I say it puzzled me like the dickens, I am understating it; if anything. As mysterious a communication, I considered, as was ever flashed over the wires. I studied it in a profound reverie for the best part of two dry Martinis and a dividend. I read it backwards. I read it forwards. As a matter of fact, I have a sort of recollection of even smelling it. But it still baffled me.

Consider the facts, I mean. It was only a few hours since this aunt and I had parted, after being in constant association for nearly two months. And yet here she was⁠—with my farewell kiss still lingering on her cheek, so to speak⁠—pleading for another reunion. Bertram Wooster is not accustomed to this gluttonous appetite for his society. Ask anyone who knows me, and they will tell you that after two months of my company, what the normal person feels is that that will about do for the present. Indeed, I have known people who couldn’t stick it out for more than a few days.

Before sitting down to the well-cooked, therefore, I sent this reply:

Perplexed. Explain. Bertie.

To this I received an answer during the after-luncheon sleep:

What on earth is there to be perplexed about, ass? Come at once. Travers.

Three cigarettes and a couple of turns about the room, and I had my response ready:

How do you mean come at once? Regards. Bertie.

I append the comeback:

I mean come at once, you maddening half-wit. What did you think I meant? Come at once or expect an aunt’s curse first post tomorrow. Love. Travers.

I then dispatched the following message, wishing to get everything quite clear:

When you say “Come” do you mean “Come to Brinkley Court”? And when you say “At once” do you mean “At once”? Fogged. At a loss. All the best. Bertie.

I sent this one off on my way to the Drones, where I spent a restful afternoon throwing cards into a top-hat with some of the better element. Returning in the evening hush, I found the answer waiting for me:

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. It doesn’t matter whether you understand or not. You just come at once, as I tell you, and for heaven’s sake stop this backchat. Do you think I am made of money that I can afford to send you telegrams every ten minutes. Stop being a fathead and come immediately. Love. Travers.

It was at this point that I felt the need of getting a second opinion. I pressed the bell.

“Jeeves,” I said, “a V-shaped rumminess has manifested itself from the direction of Worcestershire. Read these,” I said, handing him the papers in the case.

He scanned them.

“What do you make of it, Jeeves?”

“I think Mrs. Travers wishes you to come at once, sir.”

“You gather that too, do you?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I put the same construction on the thing. But why, Jeeves? Dash it all, she’s just had nearly two months of me.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And many people consider the medium dose for an adult two days.”

“Yes, sir. I appreciate the point you raise. Nevertheless, Mrs. Travers appears very insistent. I think it would be well to acquiesce in her wishes.”

“Pop down, you mean?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, I certainly can’t go at once. I’ve an important conference on at the Drones tonight. Pongo Twistleton’s birthday party, you remember.”

“Yes, sir.”

There was a slight pause. We were both recalling the little unpleasantness that had arisen. I felt obliged to allude to it.

“You’re all wrong about that mess jacket, Jeeves.”

“These things are matters of opinion, sir.”

“When I wore it at the Casino at Cannes, beautiful women nudged one another and whispered: ‘Who is he?’ ”

“The code at Continental casinos is notoriously lax, sir.”

“And when I described it to Pongo last night, he was fascinated.”

“Indeed, sir?”

“So were all the rest of those present. One and all admitted that I had got hold of a good thing. Not a dissentient voice.”

“Indeed, sir?”

“I am convinced that you will eventually learn to love this mess-jacket, Jeeves.”

“I fear not, sir.”

I gave it up. It is never any use trying to reason with Jeeves on these occasions. “Pigheaded” is the word that springs to the lips. One sighs and passes on.

“Well, anyway, returning to the agenda, I can’t go