The Funny Thing about Norman Foreman by Julietta Henderson (sci fi books to read .TXT) 📗

Leonard, here it is, I see it on the map. It’s not too far at all, you’re right. You wait there, though. Wait there, OK? Don’t move. I’ll be there as soon as possible. OK?’

I knew now was not the time to be asking him if he was of sound mind, but after reassurance from Leonard that yes he was OK, even though no, he didn’t think it was necessary that I come and get him, I managed to extract a promise that he’d wait with the car and not move a muscle until I got there. I hung up and headed into the train station on a fact-finding mission, feeling far less confident than I’d made myself sound on the phone.

But, to my own utter amazement, in under two minutes I was running back out of the station with a timetable in my hand and the wind at my heels, heading for Princes Street and a bus that was due to leave in six minutes. I wouldn’t call myself an athlete by any stretch, but credit where credit’s due, because I skidded to a halt at the bus stop opposite M&S just as the 101 to Biggar pulled up. And as I climbed on board and took the closest empty seat I distinctly remember thinking that maybe this was going to be easier than I’d anticipated.

Of course, you know that’s never the case.

41NORMAN

First rule of comedy: Pause for effect.

It’s funny, but even though I was pretty worried about Leonard being missing, I really and truly didn’t feel scared about Mum going off and leaving me on my own at the Soft Fudge. I wasn’t just saying that to make Mum feel OK about it, even though I was doing that too. And when I say it was funny I don’t mean in a write it on a Post-it note and use it in my show sort of funny. I mean in the I’m not usually a very brave person so it was interesting sort of funny.

Even though I was all alone, when I was sat on the bed in the Caramel Suite with Big Al’s Big Book of British Comedy Greats and all my Post-it notes and screwed up bits of paper from the Comedy Pot spread around me, trying to make something good out of it all, out of the blue it just felt like Jaxy was there with me as well. And because there wasn’t anybody else around I thought it might be OK if I had a chat to him. And so I did.

I didn’t really think Jax could talk back to me or anything, but once I got started it was just like we were back in my bedroom practising jokes or lying around downstairs watching Dave Allen DVDs with Mum bringing us cheesy toast and hot chocolates. So because of how nice that felt I wanted to keep it going, because who wouldn’t, and so I decided to tell him everything that had happened since he went.

I talked and talked and talked and talked for ages, and even though it made me a bit sad that Jax couldn’t really talk back it also made me smile because actually, if he was there, there’s no way I would have been able to get all that out without him interrupting me about a million times. But I wouldn’t have minded.

After a while, when I ran out of things to say because I’d told Jax absolutely everything, I thought I’d better get on with practising for the show. Which was what I was actually supposed to be doing. I put on Grandad’s jacket, because that’s called getting into character, and I know you might think I’m making this up, but as soon as I put on that jacket Jax started talking back to me. Honest.

I could actually hear him going, count it out in your head, Normie. One wait, two wait, three wait. Just like always, when we were trying out a new routine for Mum and I’d start to come in early or miss a mark and come in too late. Jaxy would give me the elbow, but gentle, not so it hurt. Just to remind me. And he’d always be right near my ear when it was my turn, whispering without moving his lips and saying, wait for it, wait for it . . . one, two, three, ready, aim, fire!

By the way, I know I’m not the funny one. Jax is. Was. I’m the straight guy, and that’s kind of like Dean Martin or Bud Abbott. The straight guy sets the funny guy up with the joke and then the funny guy comes in and finishes it off and gets the laughs, which is a pretty genius system, I reckon, as long as nothing happens to the guy standing beside you.

But something did happen to the guy that always stands beside me and it was really hard to keep having to remember that I wasn’t part of a comedy duo any more. I was supposed to be Little Big Man, one guy with a one-man show for one night only. Even though no way no how am I anywhere near being a man. But Leonard told me I shouldn’t think about the whole Little Big Man thing too much, because it was just something he nicked from an old movie to make me look good for the Facebook page. He said all I had to do was just get up there and be Norman Foreman, because that’s who I am and I’m the only one who can do it.

But the thing is, all the jokes me and Jax wrote or collected were made for two people and it was pretty hard for me to have to do both parts, no matter how many times I could hear Jax telling me to count it in and wait for it, Normie boy. It just wasn’t the same on my own, and when