We - Yevgeny Zamyatin (whitelam books txt) 📗

She almost frightens me; but just because of that I answered, “Yes.”

In five minutes we were in an aero. Blue sky of May. The light sun in its golden aero buzzed behind us without catching up and without lagging behind. Ahead of us a white cataract of a cloud. Yes, a white cataract of a cloud nonsensically fluffy like the cheeks of an ancient cupid. That cloud was disturbing. The front window was open; it was windy; lips were dry. Against one’s will one passed the tongue constantly over them and thought about lips.

Already we saw in the distance the hazy green spots on the other side of the Wall. Then a slight involuntary sinking of the heart, down⁠—down⁠—down, as if from a steep mountain, and we were at the Ancient House.

That strange, delicate, blind establishment is covered all around with a glass shell, otherwise it would undoubtedly have fallen to pieces long ago. At the glass door we found an old woman all wrinkles, especially her mouth which was all made up of folds and pleats. Her lips had disappeared, having folded inward; her mouth seemed grown together. It seemed incredible that she should be able to talk and yet she did:

“Well, dear, come again to see my little house?”

Her wrinkles shone, that is, her wrinkles diverged like rays, which created the impression of shining.

“Yes, grandmother,” answered I-330.

The wrinkles continued to shine.

“And the sun, eh⁠—do you see it, you rogue, you! I know, I know. It’s all right. Go all by yourselves⁠—I shall remain here in the sunshine.”

Hmm.⁠ ⁠… Apparently my companion was a frequent guest here. Something disturbed me; probably that unpleasant optical impression⁠—the cloud on the smooth blue surface of the sky.

While we were ascending the wide, dark stairs, I-330 said, “I love her, that old woman.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Perhaps for her mouth⁠—or perhaps for nothing, just so.”

I shrugged my shoulders. She continued walking upstairs with a faint smile or perhaps without a smile at all.

I felt very guilty. It is clear that there must not be “love, just so,” but “love because of.” For all elements of nature should be.⁠ ⁠…

“It’s clear⁠ ⁠…” I began, but I stopped at that word and cast a furtive look at I-330. Did she notice it or not? She looked somewhere, down; her eyes were closed like curtains.

It struck me suddenly: evening about twenty-two; you walk on the avenue and among the brightly lighted, transparent, cubic cells, are dark spaces, lowered curtains, and there behind the curtains.⁠ ⁠… What has she behind her curtains? Why did she phone me today? Why did she bring me here? and all this.⁠ ⁠…

She opened a heavy, squeaking, opaque door and we found ourselves in a sombre disorderly space (they called it an “apartment”). The same strange “royal” musical instrument and a wild, unorganized, crazy loudness of colors and forms like their ancient music. A white plane above, dark blue walls, red, green, orange bindings of ancient books, yellow bronze candelabras, a statue of Buddha, furniture with lines distorted by epilepsy, impossible to reduce to any clear equation.

I could hardly bear that chaos. But my companion apparently possessed a stronger constitution.

“This is my most beloved⁠—” she suddenly caught herself (again a smile⁠—bite, and white sharp teeth), “to be more exact, the most nonsensical of all ‘apartments.’ ”

“Or to be most exact, of all the States. Thousands of microscopic States, fighting eternal wars, pitiless like⁠—”

“Oh yes, it’s clear,” said I-330 with apparent sincerity.

We passed through a room where we found a few small children’s beds (children in those days were also private property). Then more rooms, glimmering mirrors, sombre closets, unbearably loud-colored divans, an enormous “fireplace,” a large mahogany bed. Our contemporary beautiful, transparent, eternal glass was represented here only by pitiful, delicate, tiny squares of windows.

“And to think; here there was love ‘just so’; they burned and tortured themselves” (again the curtain of the eyes was lowered), “What a stupid, uneconomical spending of human energy. Am I not right?”

She spoke as though reading my thoughts but in her smile there remained always that irritating X. There behind the curtains something was going on, I don’t know what, but something that made me lose my patience. I wanted to quarrel with her, to scream at her (exactly, to scream), but I had to agree. It was impossible not to agree.

We stopped in front of a mirror. At that moment I saw only her eyes. An idea came to me: human beings are built as nonsensically as these stupid “apartments,” human heads are opaque, and there are only two very small windows that lead inside⁠—the eyes. She seemed to have guessed my thoughts; she turned around: “Well, here they are, my eyes⁠—well” (this suddenly, then silence).

There were in front of me two gloomy dark windows and behind them inside, such strange hidden life. I saw there only fire, burning like a peculiar “fireplace” and unknown figures resembling.⁠ ⁠…

All this was certainly very natural; I saw in her eyes the reflection of my own face. But my feelings were unnatural and not like me. Evidently the depressing influence of the surroundings was beginning to tell on me. I felt definitely fear. I felt as if I were trapped and caged in a strange cage. I felt that I was caught in the wild hurricane of ancient life.

“Do you know⁠ ⁠…” said I-330, “step out for a moment into the next room.” Her voice came from there⁠—from inside, from behind the dark window-eyes⁠—where the fireplace was blazing.

I went out, sat down. From a shelf on the wall there looked straight into my face, somewhat smiling, a snub-nosed, asymmetrical physiognomy of one of the ancient poets; I think it was Pushkin.

“Why do I sit here enduring this smile with such resignation and what is this all about? Why am I here? And why all these strange sensations, this irritating, repellent female, this strange game?”

The door of the closet slammed; there was the rustle of silk. I felt it difficult to restrain myself