The Funny Thing about Norman Foreman by Julietta Henderson (sci fi books to read .TXT) 📗

own everything had got easier, even though everything I’d done was actually so much harder than anything I’d ever had to do before. And right at that second, when James was pushing on my feet and I was trying to squeeze through that tiny window, I suddenly thought about Jax pushing me through Mrs Egerton’s fence palings with a rose for Mum. And even though I was pretty stuck and the edge of the window frame was digging into all the new skin that was coming through on my chest and it really, really hurt, that’s the exact thing that got me through that window. Actually all the way through so quick that I didn’t even have time to grab on to anything. It felt like I was flying and for about a hundredth of a second, if you think about it, I really was. Until I landed on Slim’s office floor.

I could hear James through the door whispering, holy shite, Norman, are you OK? But I couldn’t answer him because I was still thinking about Jax and the fence and I was laughing so hard no words could get out. And because I couldn’t answer, James must have got worried because he was pretty loud the second time when he goes, Norman! ARE. YE. OK? I still couldn’t stop laughing, so in the end I just got myself up and unlocked the door because that was quicker. When James saw I was OK and just laughing too hard to talk he started laughing too. So then we were both just cracking up and trying to shush each other at the same time.

When we finally stopped laughing James goes, bloody hell, Norman, I thought I shot ye halfway to the castle! Well, I tell ye (see what I did there?), the thought of me flying through the air through the window of Slim the Robbing Bastard’s office out the other side and all the way to Edinburgh Castle made me start laughing all over again. James put his hand over my mouth to stop the noise, but then he started up again too, so I put my hand over his mouth and there we were. Just two guys breaking and entering and laughing so hard it felt like we’d never stop. Holding on to each other like we’d known each other our whole lives and not at all like we’d just met in a tumble dryer about twenty minutes ago.

I think maybe James remembered about the same time as me where we were and what we were supposed to be doing, and that actually we really should probably try to be a bit quieter and get on with it. So he said, OK, enough shenanigans, let’s get this show on the road, Norman, and first things first, we’ve got to find my keys. Then he goes, it’s not a big bunch, just five or six on a Take That key ring. Now I know I didn’t know that much about James after only twenty minutes, but he really didn’t seem like the sort of guy who’d like Take That. Robbie Williams solo maybe, but not the band. And if it surprises you that I even know who Take That are, all I can say is that when your mum says, Norman, those boys provided part of the soundtrack to my youth, you sort of want to know what they sound like. Which me and Jax and Mum reckon is pretty good, by the way, but I don’t think we’d have them on a key ring.

James said that it was a present from his dad last Christmas and the guy thinks he’s hilarious. Knows I cannae stand them, but hey, I did need a key ring and it makes the old bugger laugh every time he sees it, he goes. All the time James was whispering about his Take That key ring he was picking up papers and books and boxes of staples on the desk and putting them down again, looking for his keys. I did a couple of turns around to see if I could think where someone like Slim McGinty would hide some keys, and then probably because I’d just been thinking about Jax he popped into my head again. Because Jax could find anything. Eyes like a hawk, Mum says. He could spot things faster than people even know they’re missing them, she reckons. Any time she needed to look for the TV remote or the big serving spoon or something like that she’d say, Jax, have you seen the remote or the big serving spoon or whatever, and straight away in a couple of seconds Jax would have it.

Anyway, as soon as I thought about Jax again that was when I found the keys, so isn’t that funny? They were hanging on a hook behind the door with a load of other bunches of keys on little hooks, but as soon as I saw Gary Barlow’s smiley face I knew I’d hit the jackpot. And then I thought maybe it was the Jaxpot, and it was the second time I could have done with a Post-it that night. Seeing all those bunches of keys also made me wonder if their owners had been stuck into the tumble dryers as well and if so where they were now.

When I turned around to tell James I’d found the keys he was standing in front of Slim’s desk, just staring down into one of the drawers. Then he stuck both his hands in and pulled out two massive wodges of twenty-and fifty-pound notes and I reckon my eyes nearly popped out like that guy in the kitchen. Because I’d never ever seen that much money in my life. It looked like maybe it could be a million pounds, but I guess it was probably a bit less than that or else surely Slim would have taken it to the bank for safekeeping.

James said, holy shite, what I couldnae do