Holiday Tales, Travel Woes and Places of Interest - Paul Curtis (best english novels for beginners .txt) 📗
- Author: Paul Curtis
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BUDGET
They take you here
They take you there
To do it cheap
Just fly Chav air
SUMMER OF EIGHTY EIGHT
The summer of eighty eight
What a holiday it was
Me, tottering Bob and Metaxa Mary
On the Greek island of Andros
In the chain of islands
Known as the Cyclades
We would sit on the beach
Or some beach front café
Like the medusa or the koala
Watching the semi naked femmes
And not just that but fit too
Apart from Mary
She was more interested in the Geraniums
Which grew seven feet high
We enjoyed the Greek cuisine
Such as it was
Stuffed vine leaves, Calamari
And Mousakka mainly
Not forgetting
Greek salad and Feta cheese
Washed down with cheap booze
And plenty of it
Everything was cheap on the island
Not just cheap fags and booze
An old man called Stavros
His skin the color of leather
Hand made me a pair of sandals
For under five pounds
Our favorite haunt was the medusa
Owned and run by Pandelis
And his accommodating daughter Cath
Although we had a brandy or two
At the Paradise bar most nights
Just as a night cap
But it wasn’t the location, Or cheap booze
The herb fragranced breeze
Warm sunshine, Semi naked women
Or accommodating waitresses
That made it a great holiday
It was the people
The warm friendly locals
Fellow Brits on tour
And of course Bob and Mary
What a holiday it was
WOKING
Woking so wants a claim to fame
So tenuous links to the famous they list
On the official Woking web site
Such as Adelina de Lara, Concert pianist
The Spice Girls and George Bernard Shaw
Queen Elizabeth I and Lady Hamilton
Paul Weller, Peter Gabriel, Rick Parfitt
Peter Davison, The Jam and Eric Clapton
Sir Alec and Eric Bedser the Cricketing twins
These and many more appear for their sins
H.G. Wells is a particular favourite
With several places in town with his name on
But when he wrote “war of the worlds”
He had the Martian land on Horsell common
Because sadly while in the town he hated it so
He made sure that Woking was the first place to go
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (2)
My dad told me
“Susan’s going to the West Indies you know”
So I said “Jamaica?”
“No it’s where she’s always wanted to go”
WORDS OF WISDOM # 1
It seems to me
That wherever I go,
The world's worst drivers
Have gone there also
HOSTESS WITH THE LEASTEST
I was sat on the plane as we crossed the “pond”
A trolley dolly approached a breed of which I’m not fond
"Would you like dinner?" She said to me smiling falsely
I replied "what are my choices?" "Yes or no," she said curtly
REPELLING BOARDERS
She stood at the departure gate
Smiling and checking boarding passes
Dealing with the happy and the mad
The good the bad and the silly arses
When a tottering man approached
She extended her hand for his ticket
When he opened up his rain coat
And blatantly flashed her his wicket
He smiled inanely and swayed about
Having spent too much time in the pub
Without batting an eyelid she said,
"I need to see the ticket not your stub."
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (3)
My dad told me
“Susan’s going to the west of India”
So I said “Goa?”
“Well that’s what they say about her”
I MISS THE PLACE
I miss the place
Where I journeyed into this world
Where a loving mother
Kissed me and gently brushed my curls
I miss the place
Where mother taught me the joys of life
And my father
Taught me to seek harmony from strife
I miss the place
Where my school days first began
And those friends
That made up our inseparable band
I miss the place
Where my heart had an optimistic view
And I miss the face
Of my one and only love so true
I miss the place
Where summer days seemed without end
Where natures bounty
Spilled from the fields we had to tend
I miss the place
Where the bones of my parents lay
And the times
When our days were full with play
I miss the place
I knew before I grew into a man
And took up arms
To fight for the king in a foreign land
I miss the place
That is the home I shall never see again
Never smell the grasses green
Or taste those gentle summer rains
I miss that place
My distant home far across the sea
The place I left behind
So I could die fighting for the free
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (4)
My dad told me
“Susan’s going to Indonesia”
So I said “Bali?”
“Oh no, she’s not a dancer”
IS THERE ANY GREATER PLACE ON EARTH?
When June comes fourth upon us
Is there any greater place on earth?
Than England’s green and pleasant land
Surely nowhere of similar worth
When the breeze gently stirs the grass
And the sun is in the clear blue sky
Is there any greater place on earth?
You could look abroad, but why?
VENTURA HOLIDAY
A Christmas cruise in the Caribbean
What a dream for the Christmas season
It’s a dream holiday for anyone
And costs thousands of pounds for a reason
Among other things what you would expect
When venturing on the ocean waves
Is to be in company of like minded people
Who comprehend how they should behave
You book early to avoid disappointment
And the chance to choose where to stay
Settle the amount in plenty of time
Then in December you’re on your way
But then to ensure a full compliment
Those greedy so and so’s at P& O
Heavily discount the remaining cabins
To all and sundry, happy Christmas ho ho ho
From every city, village and town
From Great Yarmouth to Merseyside
From John O’Groats to Lands End
And from Fishguard to Tyneside
They come in search of a bargain
And a cut price berth on a luxury cruise
The uncouth the loutish and the crude
They who measure fun in volumes of booze
And so begins the Chav cruise from hell
Not hell for the Chavs themselves sadly
But for the poor souls who paid their way
Chavs know no other way to behave but badly
For alcohol consumption they know no limit
This is apparent for every poor soul to see
Drunken food fights soon breakout
Some even set fire to the Christmas tree
What a sad indictment on our society
The way the Chavs behave abroad
It’s a shame that international law
Won’t let us throw the bastards overboard
A WING AND A PRAYER
If the wings travel faster than the fuselage,
And you are in a helicopter, that’s ok
However if you are in any other aircraft
It’s probably a very good time to pray
OUT IN THE COUNTRY
Driving down country lanes
Top down, wind in my hair
The sun gracing the sky
The wind set fair
The smell of hay,
Freshly mowed
Beasts in the fields
Beyond hedgerows
Blue cloudless skies,
On a glorious summer’s day,
The only blot being
The cyclists in my way
THE MIRACLE OF FLIGHT
It has been said that the miracle of aviation
Is that the aeroplane is nothing more in interpretation
Than 50000 components flying in close formation
And hopefully all bound for the same destination
OUT IN THE COUNTRY, AGAIN
When driving the byways
Travelling far and wide
Whether the lakes or the peaks
Or any of the countryside,
One thing that’s guaranteed
To frustrate the driving clan
And cause them to become irate
Is to get stuck behind a caravan
BAGGAGE REGULATIONS
A vulture boarded
A jumbo jet
Carrying two dead
Marmoset
The stewardess said
"I'm sorry sir,
Only one carrion
Per passenger"
THE ANGEL OF THE NORTH
The angel of the north
Standing tall and erect
That androgynous monument
To the politically correct
Disproportionate in aspect
On a hill it was put
But it has sunk in the ground
To the depth of a foot
Definitely no room
For complacency though
As there are still another
Sixty five feet to go
NO FRILLS
Ryanair have had to execute
Disembarkation via escape chutes
There was no emergency however
It’s just Mr O’Leary being clever
Disembarking on the runway
Is the latest “no frills” way
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED IT AT THE SEASIDE
I've always loved it at the seaside
But I don’t like dirty postcards
I don’t like kiss me quick hats
Or ice creams on the promenades
I don’t like the sand in the picnic
Or the feel of dry salt on my skin
I don’t like the smell of the seaweeds
Or the sound of seagulls screaming
I don’t like the amusement arcades
And I don’t like the movement of the tide
I don’t like to sit in the deckchairs
I've always loved it at the seaside
I LOVE IT AT THE SEASIDE
I love it at the seaside out of season
When the bathers are not there
The beaches are no longer sun kissed
The sands are empty and bare
I love it at the seaside
On a bright sunny winters day
When you can stroll along
With out people getting in the way
You pick your way along the shore
Picking up driftwood and shells
Skim stones across the water
Without soliciting angry yells
I love it at the seaside
The deck chairs are all stored away
On the sea front all is quiet
And the car park is free all day
I love it at the seaside
The shops are shut and battened down
All the amusement arcades are shut
But not the Rose and Crown
DAYS DOWN BY THE SEA
Days down by the sea
Far away from amusement arcades
Away from the pier
And noisy shopping parades
Just wide empty beaches
The salt sea breeze in my hair
What ever the weather
I really don’t care
Long languid days
Spent down by sea
Just a wet shaggy dog
My lady and me
NO FRILLS, MORE BILLS
No frills airlines will get your money
My fair means or by foul
This may mean them charging you
If you need a paper towel
Or if decompression occurs
And the oxygen mask is hanging there
You will have to put a pound coin in
Before it dispenses any air
Imprint
BUDGET
They take you here
They take you there
To do it cheap
Just fly Chav air
SUMMER OF EIGHTY EIGHT
The summer of eighty eight
What a holiday it was
Me, tottering Bob and Metaxa Mary
On the Greek island of Andros
In the chain of islands
Known as the Cyclades
We would sit on the beach
Or some beach front café
Like the medusa or the koala
Watching the semi naked femmes
And not just that but fit too
Apart from Mary
She was more interested in the Geraniums
Which grew seven feet high
We enjoyed the Greek cuisine
Such as it was
Stuffed vine leaves, Calamari
And Mousakka mainly
Not forgetting
Greek salad and Feta cheese
Washed down with cheap booze
And plenty of it
Everything was cheap on the island
Not just cheap fags and booze
An old man called Stavros
His skin the color of leather
Hand made me a pair of sandals
For under five pounds
Our favorite haunt was the medusa
Owned and run by Pandelis
And his accommodating daughter Cath
Although we had a brandy or two
At the Paradise bar most nights
Just as a night cap
But it wasn’t the location, Or cheap booze
The herb fragranced breeze
Warm sunshine, Semi naked women
Or accommodating waitresses
That made it a great holiday
It was the people
The warm friendly locals
Fellow Brits on tour
And of course Bob and Mary
What a holiday it was
WOKING
Woking so wants a claim to fame
So tenuous links to the famous they list
On the official Woking web site
Such as Adelina de Lara, Concert pianist
The Spice Girls and George Bernard Shaw
Queen Elizabeth I and Lady Hamilton
Paul Weller, Peter Gabriel, Rick Parfitt
Peter Davison, The Jam and Eric Clapton
Sir Alec and Eric Bedser the Cricketing twins
These and many more appear for their sins
H.G. Wells is a particular favourite
With several places in town with his name on
But when he wrote “war of the worlds”
He had the Martian land on Horsell common
Because sadly while in the town he hated it so
He made sure that Woking was the first place to go
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (2)
My dad told me
“Susan’s going to the West Indies you know”
So I said “Jamaica?”
“No it’s where she’s always wanted to go”
WORDS OF WISDOM # 1
It seems to me
That wherever I go,
The world's worst drivers
Have gone there also
HOSTESS WITH THE LEASTEST
I was sat on the plane as we crossed the “pond”
A trolley dolly approached a breed of which I’m not fond
"Would you like dinner?" She said to me smiling falsely
I replied "what are my choices?" "Yes or no," she said curtly
REPELLING BOARDERS
She stood at the departure gate
Smiling and checking boarding passes
Dealing with the happy and the mad
The good the bad and the silly arses
When a tottering man approached
She extended her hand for his ticket
When he opened up his rain coat
And blatantly flashed her his wicket
He smiled inanely and swayed about
Having spent too much time in the pub
Without batting an eyelid she said,
"I need to see the ticket not your stub."
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (3)
My dad told me
“Susan’s going to the west of India”
So I said “Goa?”
“Well that’s what they say about her”
I MISS THE PLACE
I miss the place
Where I journeyed into this world
Where a loving mother
Kissed me and gently brushed my curls
I miss the place
Where mother taught me the joys of life
And my father
Taught me to seek harmony from strife
I miss the place
Where my school days first began
And those friends
That made up our inseparable band
I miss the place
Where my heart had an optimistic view
And I miss the face
Of my one and only love so true
I miss the place
Where summer days seemed without end
Where natures bounty
Spilled from the fields we had to tend
I miss the place
Where the bones of my parents lay
And the times
When our days were full with play
I miss the place
I knew before I grew into a man
And took up arms
To fight for the king in a foreign land
I miss the place
That is the home I shall never see again
Never smell the grasses green
Or taste those gentle summer rains
I miss that place
My distant home far across the sea
The place I left behind
So I could die fighting for the free
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (4)
My dad told me
“Susan’s going to Indonesia”
So I said “Bali?”
“Oh no, she’s not a dancer”
IS THERE ANY GREATER PLACE ON EARTH?
When June comes fourth upon us
Is there any greater place on earth?
Than England’s green and pleasant land
Surely nowhere of similar worth
When the breeze gently stirs the grass
And the sun is in the clear blue sky
Is there any greater place on earth?
You could look abroad, but why?
VENTURA HOLIDAY
A Christmas cruise in the Caribbean
What a dream for the Christmas season
It’s a dream holiday for anyone
And costs thousands of pounds for a reason
Among other things what you would expect
When venturing on the ocean waves
Is to be in company of like minded people
Who comprehend how they should behave
You book early to avoid disappointment
And the chance to choose where to stay
Settle the amount in plenty of time
Then in December you’re on your way
But then to ensure a full compliment
Those greedy so and so’s at P& O
Heavily discount the remaining cabins
To all and sundry, happy Christmas ho ho ho
From every city, village and town
From Great Yarmouth to Merseyside
From John O’Groats to Lands End
And from Fishguard to Tyneside
They come in search of a bargain
And a cut price berth on a luxury cruise
The uncouth the loutish and the crude
They who measure fun in volumes of booze
And so begins the Chav cruise from hell
Not hell for the Chavs themselves sadly
But for the poor souls who paid their way
Chavs know no other way to behave but badly
For alcohol consumption they know no limit
This is apparent for every poor soul to see
Drunken food fights soon breakout
Some even set fire to the Christmas tree
What a sad indictment on our society
The way the Chavs behave abroad
It’s a shame that international law
Won’t let us throw the bastards overboard
A WING AND A PRAYER
If the wings travel faster than the fuselage,
And you are in a helicopter, that’s ok
However if you are in any other aircraft
It’s probably a very good time to pray
OUT IN THE COUNTRY
Driving down country lanes
Top down, wind in my hair
The sun gracing the sky
The wind set fair
The smell of hay,
Freshly mowed
Beasts in the fields
Beyond hedgerows
Blue cloudless skies,
On a glorious summer’s day,
The only blot being
The cyclists in my way
THE MIRACLE OF FLIGHT
It has been said that the miracle of aviation
Is that the aeroplane is nothing more in interpretation
Than 50000 components flying in close formation
And hopefully all bound for the same destination
OUT IN THE COUNTRY, AGAIN
When driving the byways
Travelling far and wide
Whether the lakes or the peaks
Or any of the countryside,
One thing that’s guaranteed
To frustrate the driving clan
And cause them to become irate
Is to get stuck behind a caravan
BAGGAGE REGULATIONS
A vulture boarded
A jumbo jet
Carrying two dead
Marmoset
The stewardess said
"I'm sorry sir,
Only one carrion
Per passenger"
THE ANGEL OF THE NORTH
The angel of the north
Standing tall and erect
That androgynous monument
To the politically correct
Disproportionate in aspect
On a hill it was put
But it has sunk in the ground
To the depth of a foot
Definitely no room
For complacency though
As there are still another
Sixty five feet to go
NO FRILLS
Ryanair have had to execute
Disembarkation via escape chutes
There was no emergency however
It’s just Mr O’Leary being clever
Disembarking on the runway
Is the latest “no frills” way
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED IT AT THE SEASIDE
I've always loved it at the seaside
But I don’t like dirty postcards
I don’t like kiss me quick hats
Or ice creams on the promenades
I don’t like the sand in the picnic
Or the feel of dry salt on my skin
I don’t like the smell of the seaweeds
Or the sound of seagulls screaming
I don’t like the amusement arcades
And I don’t like the movement of the tide
I don’t like to sit in the deckchairs
I've always loved it at the seaside
I LOVE IT AT THE SEASIDE
I love it at the seaside out of season
When the bathers are not there
The beaches are no longer sun kissed
The sands are empty and bare
I love it at the seaside
On a bright sunny winters day
When you can stroll along
With out people getting in the way
You pick your way along the shore
Picking up driftwood and shells
Skim stones across the water
Without soliciting angry yells
I love it at the seaside
The deck chairs are all stored away
On the sea front all is quiet
And the car park is free all day
I love it at the seaside
The shops are shut and battened down
All the amusement arcades are shut
But not the Rose and Crown
DAYS DOWN BY THE SEA
Days down by the sea
Far away from amusement arcades
Away from the pier
And noisy shopping parades
Just wide empty beaches
The salt sea breeze in my hair
What ever the weather
I really don’t care
Long languid days
Spent down by sea
Just a wet shaggy dog
My lady and me
NO FRILLS, MORE BILLS
No frills airlines will get your money
My fair means or by foul
This may mean them charging you
If you need a paper towel
Or if decompression occurs
And the oxygen mask is hanging there
You will have to put a pound coin in
Before it dispenses any air
Imprint
Publication Date: 10-01-2010
All Rights
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