Animal Tales - Paul Curtis (first ebook reader .txt) 📗

fruity”
“I was patrolling the house last night
As normal when what do I find?”
“I found my human naked and bending over
So I jumped her from behind”
Ginger rather shocked said
“So she’s brought you here to get you snipped”
“Well that’s what I thought at first
But she just want’s my toe nails clipped”

CLUBBING IT

I have started to think that dads to old
For clubbing but he just will not be told
He refuses even to listen to my chatter
And doesn’t see why age should matter
He says that he’s not as fit as in the past
But the baby seals don’t move that fast


RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – PAPERWORK

If you’re human is doing paperwork
Lie on it and you drive them berserk
A fun thing to do if they are writing
Is to play with the pencil by batting

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – READING NEWSPAPERS

Now this is a very interesting caper
When you’re human is reading the paper
Jump up at the newspaper suddenly
Silently and landing on their knee
This will make the paper unreadable
And you human a little disagreeable

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – USING THE COMPUTER

When your human is working at the computer
Bat at the cursor this will make you even cuter
Then walk across keyboard without hesitating
Then lay across their arms to stop them typing


IT’S THE DOGS….

A man and his dog walk into the pub
Each night to drink with the locals
As the man has a drink, the mans dog
Lies down and exposes his genitals
And oblivious to his audience the dog
Then lies on his back and licks them
Another man looks on in admiration
Saying “Is no one as impressed as I am?”
He then turns to the owner saying
“Now that’s a thing I wish I could do”
The dogs owner looks at him smiling
“Well give him a crisp and he’ll let you”

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – AT BEDTIME

They wont sleep well if you get it right
Always sleep on your human at night
So that they cannot easily move around
Bat at their ears if they sleep to sound


ITS A DOG’S LIFE

If it moves then my dog will shag it
That’s what he does to get a buzz
But if it doesn’t move it won’t matter
He’ll just shag it until it does

NO WAY PET

Please can we get a goldfish dad?
It would really make us glad
Big or small it doesn’t matter
Not even if it comes in batter
Well can we have a parrot then?
Not even if it tastes like chicken

NO WAY PET

Please can we get a goldfish dad?
It would really make us glad
Big or small it doesn’t matter
Not even if it comes in batter
Well can we have a parrot then?
Not even if it tastes like chicken

IT’S THE DOGS…. AGAIN

A man and his dog walk into the pub
Each night to drink with the locals
As the man has a drink, the mans dog
Lies down and then licks his genitals
An offended customer, disgusted asks
“Why does your dog do that man?”
Then owner answers without hesitation
“That’s easy he does it because he can”

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – THE ART OF HIDING

From time to time it is a good idea
To hide and make your human fear
When you return home eventually
They will be so relieved to see
With open arms you they will greet
And you are bound to get a treat


THE WHITE HORSE IN

A white horse walked into a pub
And ordered a pint and some grub
The barman was taken by surprise
At first he couldn’t believe his eyes
And although at first he was unsure
He soon recovered his composure
Not used to a horse in this location
He tried a to start up a conversation
He said, “I don’t know if you knew
We have a whisky named after you”
“Really?” the horse asked curiously
“You have a whisky named Jeremy?”

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – THE LITTER BOX

If you notice your humans isn’t wearing socks
Be sure to kick plenty of litter out of your box
If they’re half a sleep is the best time I suppose
Humans love the feel of litter between their toes


TIGER TIGER

In their gentlemen’s club, two old soldiers
Are reliving past exploits over whisky sodas
“It was in northern India back in thirty-two
We were hunting up country to bag a few
We came to a clearing and to my surprise
I saw this huge Tiger right before my eyes
I stood there transfixed by the Tiger’s stare
So calmly I brought my rifle round to bear
And as my finger slowly squeezed the trigger
The tiger charged letting out a mighty AHHHH!!”
“What happened next?” Asked his old comrade
“Well I have to say I shit myself I’m afraid”
“No shame in that when charged by a Tiger”
“No, no I mean just then when I went AHHHH!!”

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – HOW TO GREET A GUEST
If visitors come to your home
Jump on their laps to welcome
Purr loudly and turn around
Break wind and then jump down

HAS ANYONE SEEN BERNARD? Scottish writers

I can’t remember the last time to be truthful
I heard Mr. Matthew’s say they’re “bootiful”
You never see him smiling broadly on the TV
As he express’s the virtues of bits of Turkey
It’s not even Bernard’s voice on the Turkey ads
No it’s one of those clever impressionist lads
So then what’s become of the Turkey magnate
The police don’t suspect foul play at any rate
His tones still tell us his products are the best
But Mr. Matthew’s himself now has foul pest
Bernard no longer has any hair on his head
But a bright red comb grows on there instead
A crop grows on his chin and he even has a beak
He goes “cocka doodle” if you hear him speak
He rarely goes out and that must be quite hard
Unless it’s to have a scratch in his own back yard
So now he has feathers sprouting from his belly
And that’s why we never see him on the telly


HOLY COW

Who was the first person?
Maybe a man maybe a woman
To stand in a field one day
And look at a cow and say
“I'll give them a squeeze
The dangly things, these
And then without a doubt
I’ll drink whatever comes out”

WHAT A RELIEF

While I was standing at the bus stop one day
An old blind man and his dog passed my way
As they were about to cross via the pelican
The dog cocked his leg urinating on the man
The man reached into his pocket for a treat
And leant down to feet the dog at his feet
Amazed by this great act of human kindness
I remarked to him about his thoughtfulness
I need to find out where his mouth is friend
The blind man said so I can kick his arse end

PRETTY *!£$*!**!%$** POLLY

My uncle had a parrot when I was young
It was a blue and yellow colored bird
He got it first when he was a naval man
And it had the foulest mouth you ever heard

It would swear in front of my old aunts
All the neighbors and even the reverend
Next time the punishment would be severe
After every outburst the parrot was warned

The bird thought they were empty threats
So the parrot did swear a further time
And the punishment was extremely severe
He was thrown into the freezer for his crime

He was shivering and cold and very sorry
When he was let out after an hour or two
He apologized unreservedly but asked
Tell me what on earth did that chicken do?


OH GOD

Why oh why I just can’t see
Why god created the bee
The only reason I can see
Is because he liked the honey

Why, is my interlocutor?
Did god create the alligator?
My conclusion at this stage
They make very good luggage

Why oh why I must remark
Why did god create the shark?
After eons here’s the scoop
All I can say is shark fin soup

Why oh why I cannot grasp
Did god create the wasp?
I cannot think of anything
Wasps are simply irritating

Why oh why I do not know
Did god create the mosquito?
There is no reason as I say
He must have had a bad day

Why oh why for heavens sake
Did god ever create the snake?
A bad idea I’ve always felt
But they do make a good belt

Why oh why I ask with no rider
Why did god create the spider?
Common sense it just defies
Though they do eat the flies

Why oh why to heaven I cry
Why did god create the fly?
They don’t have a nice song
I think god just got it wrong

Why I’ve been asking for a while
Did god create the crocodile?
Not a creature that I would chose
But they make very good shoes


HORSE PLAY

More people wouldn’t admit it
But according to most sources
A lot of men feel a bit scared
When they’re stroking horses

FRUSTRATED FELINE

When your cat has just fallen asleep
Curled on your lap purring contentedly
And looking utterly adorable and sweet
You have to go to the bathroom suddenly

THE GIANT ATTRACTION

In captivity panda’s suffer
Great indignity
They’re sexual failures
On display for all to see


WHERE EAGLE’S DARE

Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know

It wasn’t a very long journey
Before he reached a leafy tree
Where he met a Tit called Tina
And there the Eagle had her
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the Eagle had had his fun
Tina said, “I am a little Tit
And I’ve had a little bit
And I liked it”

Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know


It wasn’t a very long journey
Before he reached a leafy tree
And he met a Dove called Daisy
Where the Eagle had her easily
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the Eagle had had his fun
Daisy Said, “I am a little dove
And I’ve had a little love
And I liked it”

Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly