Demons in Our Closets - Kayla Stiles (top 20 books to read .txt) 📗

the surface

Of these blue orbs that open to my soul, these eyes that are as much yours as they are mine.

I used to look up to you, being the only parent present in my life and all.

But now I just see someone who only sees me as something not worthy of anything.

Someone who looks at me with anger and rage, with hatred for me being my father’s daughter.

That’s it, isn’t it? I’m so much like my father, and you absolutely hate it.

You hate how much I act like him, how many thoughts in my head

Correspond with thoughts that he has. You despise me for being so much akin to him.

I’ve never wanted to leave as much as I do now.

To just pack up some clothes and essentials while you’re at work,

And just up and leave. Walk out that door and not return.

You’d see my stuff missing and you’d wonder.

Don’t worry, though. I’d tell you the truth, once you realized I was gone.

I’d tell you the whole truth, too.

That I couldn’t stay anymore. I couldn’t deal with the constant favoritism shown to William,

And the constant anger catapulted at my face.

I couldn’t handle the stress that you caused, the anguish deep inside.

I mean, come on! I’m so much better off than so many other people my age out there.

Hell! So much better off than even some of my cousins around my age!

I’m not 16 and pregnant with my first child.

I’m not 19 with two kids and no way to support them.

I don’t have kids that I don’t even take care of.

I actually finished high school ON TIME and am now in college to become a teacher!

I smoke cigarettes, yes. But at least I don’t do any other drugs!

I’m clean! I’m not a full-blown alcoholic, not a druggie.

And I’m most definitely NOT the monster you make me out to be!

I’m actually doing something with my life.

I give you money from my FAFSA so you can pay for things that we need.

I’m trying to get a job so I can help support you and William! I don’t have to do that!

But I’m doing it out of the kindness of my cold heart.

But I’m done being your scapegoat every time something goes wrong or something isn’t done.

I’m done being your personal punching bag. I want out! And I want it NOW!

I can’t stand being in a house where I’m obviously not welcome.

As Three Days Grace so perfectly put it: “This house is not a home.”

I feel so invisible to you, except for in times when you’re angry and need someone

To let all your anger and frustration out on.

When you need someone to blame for all that’s going wrong.

I’m done living with someone who doesn’t truly care about me.

You say you’re so proud of my accomplishments,

That you brag about me all the time to your friends and coworkers.

I call bull on that. Why? Because you don’t prove it to me at home!

You say you love me, yet you often spit in my face.

I’m tired of always being the one to blame for everything.

I cannot, and will not, be here forever.

As soon as I get that job at Quikmart and work there for a couple months,

Get a few hundred bucks saved up and have security in my job,

I’m leaving! I. Am. Not. You!

Nor do I want to be. But I will tell you this. As soon as is possible,

I. Am. Gone.

Nothing is For Certain

 

Nothing is For Certain

9/8/14

 

Dark. Cold. Empty. Void.

Heartless. Desolate. Hopeless. Dead.

That is what state he put her in.

He dropped her like a piece of rotted trash,

In a way that instilled in her thoughts

The feelings that he never cared,

That he no longer wanted her, or even loved her,

In any way, shape, or form.

In a way that, to her, proved that he never truly cared.

She loved him more than anything,

Wanted nothing more than to stay with him forever.

She took his long-ago, now-broken promise

Quite seriously; the promise that, one day,

He’d put a ring on her finger

And make her his forever.

She took all his “I love yous” and kisses and caresses

As a symbolism of his true love for her.

Too bad for her, though.

Considering he moved on to his idea girlfriend:

The only female she’d ever really loved, her ex-girlfriend.

A gamer girl, a go-getter,

Someone who wasn’t afraid to try new things.

He’d found his ideal mate,

And left her standing alone, drenched in

A mixture of the rain pouring down on her… and her own tears.

He left her to cry herself to sleep at night.

To feel so much emotional agony and turmoil inside

That the only release she could find to really work

Was to slash up her legs with a knife,

An old habit she thought she’d rid herself of.

With him out of the picture,

She’s lost almost all hope for salvation.

She’s lost the ability, the reason,

To ignore her urges to self-mutilate

And keep herself clean of creating any more scars.

He was her reason to not cut,

To not wish pain upon herself,

To not have the hard-impressed belief that she deserved to be hurt.

He was her strength, her stability, her power of will.

But now he’s gone, and there’s nothing she can do about it.

On that begrudged night-- April 30, 2014--

She felt more emotional agony in one split second

Than she’d ever felt before.

The moment she realized she’d lost him for good

Was the moment she came to no longer believe

In “Happily Ever After”.

Not Welcome

Not Welcome

8/23/13

 

You constantly scream and shout at me to do everything,

Yet you never yell at William.

You threaten to kick me out of the house,

A house where I have not felt at home in years.

A house where I feel like the outsider,

The outcast, an intruder.

I constantly feel like I’m the intruder in that house.

I don’t feel welcome. Don’t feel at home.

I feel like you no longer really care about me.

Like I no longer really belong in that house.

I feel like I’m an outsider looking in.

My family doesn’t feel like MY family anymore.

William is the only thing holding me back now from leaving.

I don’t want to leave him alone with your foul attitude.

I don’t want to leave him alone in that house,

Where he won’t have me there to help when he needs the help.

I’m tired of pretending like everything is ok.

I’m tired of putting on a fake smile every day

Just to appease your spirit and make it seem

Like there’s nothing truly wrong.

Make it seem like there isn’t a war going on inside my head.

I’m tired of hiding what I really feel.

Yet, every time I’ve tried talking to you about how I feel in that house,

You always get overly upset and instantly say that I should move out then.

I’m tired of the fights and the anger.

I just want to be happy in my life.

I want you to be happy that I’m happy and doing well.

I want to be able to do all the things you want me to do.

But I’m petrified of driving, no one will hire me, and I can’t be the perfect daughter

For you.

I can’t be that perfect prissy daughter who does everything perfectly.

It’s not who I am. And I refuse to pretend to be someone I’m not

Just to appease you.

I want you to be able to see me as I really am,

And love me for that.

But you just can’t, can you?

You can’t accept me for who I am because who I am isn’t who you want me to be.

I’m not perfect. I don’t get perfect grades.

I don’t have a job because no one will even give me a second glance.

I’m not a clean freak like you.

Sorry that I can’t be like you. Sorry that I’m not YOU.

I don’t WANT to be you though.

I am my own person and your life isn’t the life I want to live.

I’m sorry that I can’t fit into your standards of how and who I should be.

I guess I never will fit your standards.

I guess I’ll never really be acceptable in your eyes.

I’ll always be the outcast, the black sheep,… the intruder.

No matter how hard I try, I’ll never make you proud of me.

I wish I could. That’s all I want is to make you proud of your own daughter.

But, for some reason, I always seem to fall short.

William is perfect in your eyes and can’t seem to do any wrong.

At least, that’s how you perceive him as.

I’m always the wrongdoer, the liar, the brat.

I’m always the one who isn’t wanted, the one who isn’t asked about.

You always tell me, “Actions speak louder than words.”

Well, follow your own words.

Because, frankly, your actions half the time tell me that you hate me.

That you hate how I live my life and hate who I am as a person.

Everyone always wonders why I hate on myself and call myself mean names and stuff.

Well, I think I found the answer finally.

It’s because of you. Because of how you treat me.

I feel like such an outsider in my own home,

The place where I’m supposed to feel at peace,

That it’s affected me negatively.

It’s made me feel like I don’t belong anywhere

And that I don’t deserve to be happy with anyone.

Well, that is done and over with.

I have found out the reason why I am so disgusted with myself,

And that is going to stop.

You want me out of your hair? Fine.

As soon as I can find somewhere to go,

I’ll be gone. I’ll be done with your anger and disgust in me.

I just need to find somewhere else to move to,

And then I’ll let you be to your own life.

I’m tired of being your pin cushion,

Your toy voodoo doll that you pick and stab at

Every chance you get.

I’m tired of being the one you take all your anger out on.

It’s time for someone else to take up that role.

Take out your anger on Al, or yourself for all I care.

Just quit taking it all out on me.

I’ve been strong for 14 years now.

I don’t know how much longer I can be strong and “just deal with it.”

If dad does move back here to Tucson,

And I still have nowhere to go,

I will move in with him so I’m out of your hair finally.

I know that he’ll show me what a real home truly feels like.

What it feels like to be an actual family.

I miss my father, I love him.

And that’s another thing that I quarrel with you about.

It’s been 14 years. It’s been long enough to hold hatred in your heart.

IT’S TIME TO BURY THE HATCHET.

It’s time to learn to forgive him and actually learn to MOVE ON.

I’m tired of being made the sacrificial lamb all because

You still hold a lot of hatred and anger towards him.

It’s time to move on with