Trains, Planes and Automobiles - Paul Curtis (great reads txt) 📗

departure gate
Smiling and checking boarding passes
Dealing with the happy and the mad
The good the bad and the silly arses
When a tottering man approached
She extended her hand for his ticket
When he opened up his rain coat
And blatantly flashed her his wicket
He smiled inanely and swayed about
Having spent too much time in the pub
Without batting an eyelid she said,
"I need to see the ticket not your stub."


DANGEROUS DRIVING

I was driving in my car
At a constant speed
On my left was a valley
Which looked very deep indeed
On my right was a fire engine
Matching my speed

In front was a huge pig
The same size as my car
Which I couldn’t overtake
Behind me but not very far
Was a helicopter flying low
Matching the speed of my car

We all hurtled along at
At the same velocity
When I heard my wife
Shouting at me very loudly
“Get off the Merry-Go-Round
You’re pissed Harvey”

RUSH HOUR VIEWS

It was Monday morning again
The kids were back to school
And I sat in a jam
No better or worse
Than any other Monday
My car came to a stop
Beside the drive of a large house
Long past its best
And I saw fixed to the crumbling masonry
Of the once grand gateway, a sign
“Eland Place”
I laughed to myself
And pondered just how many
Eland run free
Along the A247
Then the traffic inched forward
And I looked again
This time the sign read
“Elan Place”
So I pondered again
At work I sort the definition of “Elan”
“Enthusiastic and assured vigor and liveliness”
“Distinctive and stylish elegance”
“A feeling of strong eagerness”
And picturing in my mind
The dingy ramshackled house again
It occurred to me that
The prospect of African antelope
With their short spirally twisted horns
Making their way towards Byfleet
Seemed more appropriate

TRAIN MAN

Railways are Masculine
You can shout that from the steeple
Because they use the same old lines
To pick up people


WORDS OF WISDOM # 1

It seems to me
That wherever I go,
The world's worst drivers
Have gone there also

HOSTESS WITH THE LEASTEST

I was sat on the plane as we crossed the “pond”
A trolley dolly approached a breed of which I’m not fond
"Would you like dinner?" She said to me smiling falsely
I replied "what are my choices?" "Yes or no," she said curtly

IT’S A FAIR COP

A traffic cop pulled over a young speeding motorist
And the impulse to be smug Proved too hard to resist
The young man wound down his window without delay
Then the cop said "I've been waiting for you all day,"
The chance for a funny response was just too good
The boy replied "Well I got here as fast as I could."
The cop fell about laughing “Son you’ve made my day”
In fact he laughed so much he sent the boy on his way

A BRIDGE TOO FAR

A truck driver was driving along
At a furious rate
When the "Low Bridge Ahead." Sign
Appeared just too late
He braked hard but got stuck
And traffic backed up for miles
Then a traffic cop arrived
Got out of his car and smiles
The cop said “did you get stuck”?
Treating him like a fool
“No, I was delivering this bridge
When I ran out of fuel"


DRIVE CAREFULLY

Drive carefully on life’s highway
Please be careful out there
It's not only cars that get recalled
By their manufacturer

IN GOD WE TRUST

Have faith
In the being from afar
Trust in God
But lock your car.

SMART CAR OWNER

Just remember the next time
You’re stuck in the snow and slush
That size really does matter
So never buy a car you can't push.

CLUNK CLICK

Clunk click every trip
Is the advice of the boffins
Because your seat belt is never
As confining as your coffin


ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL

One in five bad accidents
Are caused it seems
By drivers who drift off
To the land of dreams
But drivers who fall
Asleep at the wheel
Are the lesser evil
I’m inclined to feel
Because the simple fact
That makes me quake
Is that four out of five
Are wide awake


CRASH LOCATION

On the M25 just beyond Dartford
She lost control of her car and crashed
Hitting the barrier with great force
Then came rest with the car smashed
It happened close to where she lived
She was nearly home, not far to go
But she sat trapped in her crumpled car
Covered in blood from head to toe
The paramedic attending the crash
Examined her as a matter of urgency
But apart from the blood covering her
He was at a loss to find any injury
“Where are you bleeding from?”
He asked the girl in the battered Ford
Slightly annoyed the girl responded
“I’m from bleeding Romford”


KNIGHTS OF THE ROAD

Mild mannered and the meek
Shy and too embarrassed to speak
No goose hears them say boo
They are hardly noticeable to you
Then they get into a car
And safe behind the wheel
They are transformed
Those once quiet and retiring
Calm and rational people
Are now fearless, bold and brave
Safe in their steel boxes
That they wear like armour
Quarantined from the world
In their metal machines
They make manifest into beasts from hell
They become possessed
Morphing into deranged sociopaths
From Mogwai to gremlin
Those once too shy to speak
The humble and the tame
Now bellow obscenities
Foul and nasty profanities
To all and sundry
Dispensing venomous rebukes
Like Georges dragon breathing fire
They drive like crazed charioteers
Set loose from the hippodrome
They cut you up
With last second maneuvers
Changing lanes, jumping lights
Leaving chaos in their wake
They sneer at authority
Swear and gesticulate
No one is safe from them
The old lady at the crossing
A group of school children
A priest or a nun
No one is safe from their wrath
Then safely at their destination
Parked in another’s space
They exit the car
And are meek once more

AM I BOVVERED

She drove in the exit as I drove out
And I hit her car with a mighty clout
With a chorus of colourful language
She got out to inspect the damage
Her hair was pulled back from her face
Eyes bulging as if sprayed with mace
Skin tighter than the string of a bow
As if she’d had her head out the window
I wasn’t sure if she was injured or ok
Or if her face always looked that way
I inquired if she was injured or hurt
Her response was certainly quite curt
Then I pointed out she was at fault
And she reared up like an angry colt
We exchange details insurance and such
And got in my car and wished her luck
I pointed out her horse like behaviour
And the extent of her driving failure
She was a very long way past miffed
The angry girl with the Croydon facelift

OUT IN THE COUNTRY

Driving down country lanes
Top down, wind in my hair
The sun gracing the sky
The wind set fair
The smell of hay,
Freshly mowed
Beasts in the fields
Beyond hedgerows
Blue cloudless skies,
On a glorious summer’s day,
The only blot being
The cyclists in my way


OUT IN THE COUNTRY, AGAIN

When driving the byways
Travelling far and wide
Whether the lakes or the peaks
Or any of the countryside,
One thing that’s guaranteed
To frustrate the driving clan
And cause them to become irate
Is to get stuck behind a caravan

SWING

I’m in the motor trade and I’ll try anything once
So I went to one of those swingers parties
I took the wife along and she was well keen
She’s a good looker when she’s dressed up tarty

But after I dropped my car keys in the bowl
I realised that I had really dropped a clanger
As I’d arrived at the party with the latest model
But I went home with an old banger


LITTERBUG JITTERBUG

Discarded from a moving car
The litter travels very far
Each piece small or big
Performs a little merry jig
Each windblown piece at play
Participates in the ballet
Plastic bags float with ease
Waltzing high upon the breeze
Sweet papers flutter
Down in the gutter
Coke cans or maybe tango
Dance the tin can fandango
While larger papers jitterbug
Thanks to the litterbug

THE MIRACLE OF FLIGHT

It has been said that the miracle of aviation
Is that the aeroplane is nothing more in interpretation
Than 50000 components flying in close formation
And hopefully all bound for the same destination

TROUBLE AT MILL

It’s an absolute calamity
I’ve never heard the like of it
I just heard on the news
Up north they are running out of grit

What will become of us?
When the north is finally bereft
It was the northern grit
That made this nation the best

NO FRILLS

Ryanair have had to execute
Disembarkation via escape chutes
There was no emergency however
It’s just Mr O’Leary being clever
Disembarking on the runway
Is the latest “no frills” way


BAGGAGE REGULATIONS

A vulture boarded
A jumbo jet
Carrying two dead
Marmoset

The stewardess said
"I'm sorry sir,
Only one carrion
Per passenger"

ROAD RAGE # 2

I hate driving
I hate what it does to me
I strive to be better
And behave courteously

But the second
The car door slams
I feel myself change
Into a different man

I lose my communication skills
Speaking in gestures
Or coded messages on the horn
That don’t relieve the pressure

Driving makes me intolerant
Impatient and aggressive
It makes me angry
Selfish and abusive

I hate driving
I hate what it does to me
It fills me with rage
For every thing I see

ROAD HOGS

Some drivers are so selfish
And some are arrogant with it
It seems that when they buy a car
They think the road comes with it


OUT OF SERVICE

There was a ship rotting in a naval dock
I asked a man if he knew its history
He said it was a Minesweeper once
I didn’t press him but it seemed to me
For a ship to be a Minesweeper once
Was not really a unique ability

A WING AND A PRAYER

If the wings travel faster than the fuselage,
And you are in a helicopter, that’s ok
However if you are in any other aircraft
It’s probably a very good time to pray

LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 1

No matter which road I decide to travel along
Road works have got there before me it seems
I think its part of a new government initiative
“The dig up the roads to cause congestion scheme”


LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 2

It seems that no matter which road I travel
As soon as I turn onto it the road works begin
They always get there before me with one exception
There are never any problems on the road to ruin

LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 3

It seems that no matter which road I travel
As soon as I turn onto it the road works begin
But