poems for the loss of our babies - Forest Ostrander (mystery books to read TXT) 📗
- Author: Forest Ostrander
Book online «poems for the loss of our babies - Forest Ostrander (mystery books to read TXT) 📗». Author Forest Ostrander
me during the blizzard of 1996, during record low temperatures and snowdrifts reaching six feet or more. The first time I saw him, I literally gasped in horror....he was a full-grown cat, weighing no more than five pounds. His skeleton could be seen under the dull, matted coat of fur that hung from his body. His eyes bulged from sunken sockets and it looked as if every movement caused him pain. His eyes were lifeless. The emotional pain I felt looking at him was overwhelming.
I made omelets of eggs, tuna and milk, which he would refuse to eat unless I went in the house. I would place the food in the far corner of the yard (nowhere NEAR the house) and he would firmly hold his stance and not move a muscle toward the food until I was clear out of sight. I provided bedding with food and water, and he supplied me the gratification of helping him.
It was six months before he came close enough to me to touch him. Those days were funny, because he would allow me to gently pet his head and then his ears would go back and he would attack my arm, leaving me with the task of putting the "daily bandages" on. My hands and arms looked like road maps....but the funny thing was that I never, EVER, got mad at him! I just simply understood that time would allow him to realize that I would never return his actions with physical abuse or loud angry words. I completely understood his lack of trust in people, for I, too, came from a place that taught me the same principles. Sometimes after biting and scratching me, he would look at me as if he EXPECTED me to hit him....and that never happened.
Getting him to the vet was at the top of my priority list, and when I decided to do it, the receptionist asked me what his name was...I had never named him because I wanted to get to know the "real" cat behind all of those defense mechanisms of mistrust. All I could say was "His name, for now is MY STRAY". Then, as silly as this will sound....I wrote MY STRAY on a piece of paper and looked at it...I then noticed that this word could be broken down into MYST-RAY...and a "ray of mist" produces a rainbow. RAINBOW!!! That was to be his name!! And what a wonderful, beautiful name for such a wonderful, beautiful cat!
Nine months had now passed, and our bond grew by leaps and bounds on a daily basis. I often thought about bringing him inside the house for good, but my conscious got the best of me...the outside WAS his home...it was what he knew and was comfortable with, and it would be selfish of me to take that from him. Every moment I spent outside, Rainbow happily followed me around, tail up and ears forward...approaching me with a thunderous purr! I gardened a lot and often just went outside using "gardening" as an excuse to spend time with him. I often just held him on my lap and hummed or sang Amazing Grace and listened to him purr in loving response. During the days, while inside, he would often sit outside the sliding glass door and curiously look in.....watching me for hours at a time! When I would gently open the door and offer him to come inside, he would quietly walk away. My inside cats, Sunny and Misty didn't know WHAT to make of him...often when I would come inside from "gardening", they would press their noses into my clothing and hands in an effort to track his scent.
One day, Rainbow decided that his "wild" days were over and the thought of being a "housecat" seemed interesting. I eagerly rolled out the red carpet, and from that point on, Rainbow quickly became "one of the family"...finding comfortable napping places all over the house...my bed being his favorite. He absolutely LOVED my physical contact, and would always approach me if I entered a room he was in...it didn't matter if he was sleeping or not....he would see me, and happily trot toward me with a thunderous purr, which could be heard in the next room! I am sincerely telling you that if a cat EVER smiled, Rainbow had that look on his face every time he approached me! That look on his face is one that I will never forget....it was such a unique look! The mere sight of me evoked those wonderful purrs, and I loved each and every time I had the pleasure to listen to him "serenade" me. Of course, much of this "serenading" was returned with my humming or singing Amazing Grace! He had become so tender and loving that Sunny and Misty no longer had a problem with his being in the house. Our dog, Bungee, was quite affectionate with Rainbow, and Rainbow seemed to tolerate his frequent "licks" on his head! I had my first baby in July of 1997, and I can honestly say that Rainbow was the first cat to "accept" and love her....he would lay down next to her while she was napping on the couch, and quietly snuggle next to her and then fall into a slumber himself. I'm certain his purring soothed Caitlin into a deep, comfortable sleep! I have many pictures of this, which are cherished memories to me.
The change was completely remarkable. When I think back to the very first time I saw him, he was the epitome of WILD...and now, thinking of him, the only words I can think of are LOVING, GENTLE, and MIRACULOUS.
Rainbow taught me a wonderful lesson of just how much one is able to change. I often hit difficult times now and think of HIS strength and level of change. He overcame what was life as he knew it...wild, untrusting, unloving and harsh...and transformed into what can only be summed up in one word....LOVE. He WAS love...everytime I looked at him, I found myself smiling...he radiated love for me that has been unmatched b any animal companion I have ever had (and I've had many). I will always love him...in his death I think amazingly, I love him even more. I know that Rainbow was a gift and a miracle sent to me from God, and I will always cherish the (almost) three years we had together.....
**************RAINBOW SENDS ME A RAINBOW***************
It was mid-October 1998 and a cold snap ripped through our area. I was surprised that Rainbow decided to go out that day; he usually just relished the warmth inside the house, finding warm sun spots to nap in...or even better, my bed with the unmade covers...a great way to find "just the right wrinkle" to snuggle in. My sister came to visit for the day and during lunch we found Rainbow sitting outside the glass door, patiently waiting to come back in from the cold. He greeted my sister who gave him a quick pat on the head and he made his way toward me in his "usual" way.....purring like thunder! Of course, I smiled....he always made me feel tremendously loved! I pet him lovingly and as he walked away, my sister and I began discussing what a loving cat he had become. His life was the topic of our lunch conversation. I didn't know it at the time, but this was the last time I was to see Rainbow alive.
That evening, after putting our baby to bed, I "clinked" the cats bowls together (their signal that "its time to eat".) Sunny and Misty came running, but there was no sign of Rainbow. I thought that was really strange, because Rainbow simply adored his food! "He must be outside" I thought to myself. I thought perhaps my husband let him out, so I headed to the deck to shake the cat food box, clink the bowls together some more, and call him. This was my routine for close to three hours. At that point, I asked Stephen to let him in when he got to the door, and he agreed.
I went through my normal routine going to bed. Sunny and Misty followed me upstairs; the only missing part of the puzzle was Rainbow. I was troubled by this, but convinced myself that he must be on hot pursuit of a mouse, or something. while brushing my teeth, Misty entered the bedroom and as I left the bathroom, she came running out of the room...puffed up and looking very spooked. I couldn't make sense of what happened to her! To make matters even worse, NONE of the cats were with me on the bed that night, and this was highly unusual. My mind raced, but I just couldn't figure out what was going on. It took me a long time to fall asleep that night.
The next morning, Stephen's alarm went off at 5:00 and my eyes darted opened. Rainbow was not in his usual spot at the foot of the bed, and I immediately started fearing the worst. Sunny and Misty were nowhere to be seen. "Did you let Rainbow in last night?"...I almost yelled out of sheer panic. "No, Patty, he never came to the door." OH, GOD, WHAT HAPPENED?!?
I stepped out onto the back deck; the outside light still on for him. My heart sank, and I could barely find the strength to call him, but I did. Over and over. No answer. Nothing. The quiet, cold air of the early morning made me shiver. I stared at the sky, not knowing what to do. I decided to pray: "DEAR GOD, I BEG OF YOU TO PLEASE LET RAINBOW BE OKAY. PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE!!!" At that VERY instant, a huge shooting star blazed the sky from one side to the other. It literally lit the sky for about three seconds. While it was beautiful, it was at that VERY moment that I realized that Rainbow had passed. It was God's way of saying "Yes, Patty, Rainbow IS okay...he is with me now."
I quietly wept, holding my head in my hands, not knowing what to do next. I decided to get a flashlight and find his body. Crying, I searched the entire outside of the house, and yard. I continued into the cornfield and under the big pine tree that he use to sleep under, so long ago. No sign of Rainbow. I knew it just was NOT like Rainbow to be in the road (after getting hit by a car two years earlier), but I decided to drive up and down my street. I could barely see through my tears and it wasn't until I reached the end of the street that it suddenly dawned on me...."Oh, God, he was NEVER outside! He is in the house somewhere!" My heart sank even further. (Still, to this day, I honestly can't say WHY I didn't figure this out sooner.....)
I quickly drove back home and my husband was getting ready to leave for work. I brought the flashlight upstairs to a spare bedroom begging God to let this all be a mistake.... I searched the room, and he wasn't there.
As I approached my bedroom, it felt like I was trapped inside of a cruel nightmare. I entered our bedroom thinking to myself "Patty...WAKE UP....WAKE UP!!!" I got on my knees and swung up the bedskirt. I was purely a defense mechanism of my mind to deny what I would see next.....there was Rainbow, under the bed, curled up in what appeared to be a comfortable position
I made omelets of eggs, tuna and milk, which he would refuse to eat unless I went in the house. I would place the food in the far corner of the yard (nowhere NEAR the house) and he would firmly hold his stance and not move a muscle toward the food until I was clear out of sight. I provided bedding with food and water, and he supplied me the gratification of helping him.
It was six months before he came close enough to me to touch him. Those days were funny, because he would allow me to gently pet his head and then his ears would go back and he would attack my arm, leaving me with the task of putting the "daily bandages" on. My hands and arms looked like road maps....but the funny thing was that I never, EVER, got mad at him! I just simply understood that time would allow him to realize that I would never return his actions with physical abuse or loud angry words. I completely understood his lack of trust in people, for I, too, came from a place that taught me the same principles. Sometimes after biting and scratching me, he would look at me as if he EXPECTED me to hit him....and that never happened.
Getting him to the vet was at the top of my priority list, and when I decided to do it, the receptionist asked me what his name was...I had never named him because I wanted to get to know the "real" cat behind all of those defense mechanisms of mistrust. All I could say was "His name, for now is MY STRAY". Then, as silly as this will sound....I wrote MY STRAY on a piece of paper and looked at it...I then noticed that this word could be broken down into MYST-RAY...and a "ray of mist" produces a rainbow. RAINBOW!!! That was to be his name!! And what a wonderful, beautiful name for such a wonderful, beautiful cat!
Nine months had now passed, and our bond grew by leaps and bounds on a daily basis. I often thought about bringing him inside the house for good, but my conscious got the best of me...the outside WAS his home...it was what he knew and was comfortable with, and it would be selfish of me to take that from him. Every moment I spent outside, Rainbow happily followed me around, tail up and ears forward...approaching me with a thunderous purr! I gardened a lot and often just went outside using "gardening" as an excuse to spend time with him. I often just held him on my lap and hummed or sang Amazing Grace and listened to him purr in loving response. During the days, while inside, he would often sit outside the sliding glass door and curiously look in.....watching me for hours at a time! When I would gently open the door and offer him to come inside, he would quietly walk away. My inside cats, Sunny and Misty didn't know WHAT to make of him...often when I would come inside from "gardening", they would press their noses into my clothing and hands in an effort to track his scent.
One day, Rainbow decided that his "wild" days were over and the thought of being a "housecat" seemed interesting. I eagerly rolled out the red carpet, and from that point on, Rainbow quickly became "one of the family"...finding comfortable napping places all over the house...my bed being his favorite. He absolutely LOVED my physical contact, and would always approach me if I entered a room he was in...it didn't matter if he was sleeping or not....he would see me, and happily trot toward me with a thunderous purr, which could be heard in the next room! I am sincerely telling you that if a cat EVER smiled, Rainbow had that look on his face every time he approached me! That look on his face is one that I will never forget....it was such a unique look! The mere sight of me evoked those wonderful purrs, and I loved each and every time I had the pleasure to listen to him "serenade" me. Of course, much of this "serenading" was returned with my humming or singing Amazing Grace! He had become so tender and loving that Sunny and Misty no longer had a problem with his being in the house. Our dog, Bungee, was quite affectionate with Rainbow, and Rainbow seemed to tolerate his frequent "licks" on his head! I had my first baby in July of 1997, and I can honestly say that Rainbow was the first cat to "accept" and love her....he would lay down next to her while she was napping on the couch, and quietly snuggle next to her and then fall into a slumber himself. I'm certain his purring soothed Caitlin into a deep, comfortable sleep! I have many pictures of this, which are cherished memories to me.
The change was completely remarkable. When I think back to the very first time I saw him, he was the epitome of WILD...and now, thinking of him, the only words I can think of are LOVING, GENTLE, and MIRACULOUS.
Rainbow taught me a wonderful lesson of just how much one is able to change. I often hit difficult times now and think of HIS strength and level of change. He overcame what was life as he knew it...wild, untrusting, unloving and harsh...and transformed into what can only be summed up in one word....LOVE. He WAS love...everytime I looked at him, I found myself smiling...he radiated love for me that has been unmatched b any animal companion I have ever had (and I've had many). I will always love him...in his death I think amazingly, I love him even more. I know that Rainbow was a gift and a miracle sent to me from God, and I will always cherish the (almost) three years we had together.....
**************RAINBOW SENDS ME A RAINBOW***************
It was mid-October 1998 and a cold snap ripped through our area. I was surprised that Rainbow decided to go out that day; he usually just relished the warmth inside the house, finding warm sun spots to nap in...or even better, my bed with the unmade covers...a great way to find "just the right wrinkle" to snuggle in. My sister came to visit for the day and during lunch we found Rainbow sitting outside the glass door, patiently waiting to come back in from the cold. He greeted my sister who gave him a quick pat on the head and he made his way toward me in his "usual" way.....purring like thunder! Of course, I smiled....he always made me feel tremendously loved! I pet him lovingly and as he walked away, my sister and I began discussing what a loving cat he had become. His life was the topic of our lunch conversation. I didn't know it at the time, but this was the last time I was to see Rainbow alive.
That evening, after putting our baby to bed, I "clinked" the cats bowls together (their signal that "its time to eat".) Sunny and Misty came running, but there was no sign of Rainbow. I thought that was really strange, because Rainbow simply adored his food! "He must be outside" I thought to myself. I thought perhaps my husband let him out, so I headed to the deck to shake the cat food box, clink the bowls together some more, and call him. This was my routine for close to three hours. At that point, I asked Stephen to let him in when he got to the door, and he agreed.
I went through my normal routine going to bed. Sunny and Misty followed me upstairs; the only missing part of the puzzle was Rainbow. I was troubled by this, but convinced myself that he must be on hot pursuit of a mouse, or something. while brushing my teeth, Misty entered the bedroom and as I left the bathroom, she came running out of the room...puffed up and looking very spooked. I couldn't make sense of what happened to her! To make matters even worse, NONE of the cats were with me on the bed that night, and this was highly unusual. My mind raced, but I just couldn't figure out what was going on. It took me a long time to fall asleep that night.
The next morning, Stephen's alarm went off at 5:00 and my eyes darted opened. Rainbow was not in his usual spot at the foot of the bed, and I immediately started fearing the worst. Sunny and Misty were nowhere to be seen. "Did you let Rainbow in last night?"...I almost yelled out of sheer panic. "No, Patty, he never came to the door." OH, GOD, WHAT HAPPENED?!?
I stepped out onto the back deck; the outside light still on for him. My heart sank, and I could barely find the strength to call him, but I did. Over and over. No answer. Nothing. The quiet, cold air of the early morning made me shiver. I stared at the sky, not knowing what to do. I decided to pray: "DEAR GOD, I BEG OF YOU TO PLEASE LET RAINBOW BE OKAY. PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE!!!" At that VERY instant, a huge shooting star blazed the sky from one side to the other. It literally lit the sky for about three seconds. While it was beautiful, it was at that VERY moment that I realized that Rainbow had passed. It was God's way of saying "Yes, Patty, Rainbow IS okay...he is with me now."
I quietly wept, holding my head in my hands, not knowing what to do next. I decided to get a flashlight and find his body. Crying, I searched the entire outside of the house, and yard. I continued into the cornfield and under the big pine tree that he use to sleep under, so long ago. No sign of Rainbow. I knew it just was NOT like Rainbow to be in the road (after getting hit by a car two years earlier), but I decided to drive up and down my street. I could barely see through my tears and it wasn't until I reached the end of the street that it suddenly dawned on me...."Oh, God, he was NEVER outside! He is in the house somewhere!" My heart sank even further. (Still, to this day, I honestly can't say WHY I didn't figure this out sooner.....)
I quickly drove back home and my husband was getting ready to leave for work. I brought the flashlight upstairs to a spare bedroom begging God to let this all be a mistake.... I searched the room, and he wasn't there.
As I approached my bedroom, it felt like I was trapped inside of a cruel nightmare. I entered our bedroom thinking to myself "Patty...WAKE UP....WAKE UP!!!" I got on my knees and swung up the bedskirt. I was purely a defense mechanism of my mind to deny what I would see next.....there was Rainbow, under the bed, curled up in what appeared to be a comfortable position
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