Many poems dedicated to you... - Hannah Pate (speld decodable readers .txt) 📗

More time went on and he slowly gained feelings for me. We both liked each other for a couple months until he finally got up the courage to ask me out in december. We are still together as of today, and it is wonderful. We didn't get to spend new years together because of many reasons but he texted me and said happy new year. He apologized for not being able to be my new year's kiss. I told him it was okay. I go back to school tomorrow after being off since a few days before christmas so I am excited to see him.  Hopefully he will hug me because I have missed them terribly.  Well, I guess this is enough ranting for one night. XO January 6th, 2019, 5:47 P.M

Its been a few days since I have been here, i have not been in a very good place for the last few days.  I just today decided to get up and actually do something besides sit and watch crime shows.  I don't have anything to complain about today, it has been an okay day.  Today is mine and my boyfriend's one month so I am pretty happy with life as of right now.  I just today decided to do my laundry and wash my hoodie's and jeans for school tomorrow so yay me!  Right now I am doing my geometry homework and am trying submit my art project that I just finished a few days ago.  It was due last semester, but my art teacher said we didn't need to worry about turing it in because it wasn't part of first semesters grades so oh well.  I've been really tired these past few days seeing that I do not sleep well at my parents house for some reason.  Just don't feel safe I suppose.  My parents are supposed to be moving soon so hopefully I will start sleeping better at their new place.  Hopefully.  Well, I guess that is all for now.  I'll update in a few days.

January 13th, 2019 1:53 P.M.

I don't really know how to explain this. This feeling in my head. Nothingness. Nothing is there. No thoughts or emotions. I can certainly feel things, yet I can't at the same time. So, what is this? Can someone explain?

January 14th, 2019 3:15 P.M

I am a side effect, a failed science experiment, a grenade, if you will. Inner demons take up most of my being. Not the good ones. The bad ones. In my head, thousands of things, noises, voices. All telling me many things, some good, some bad, "you are not enough" "you are worthless" "no one cares" "no one loves broken things." My words may be vague. They will never live up to the power of yours. But mine tell a story that some people may not see. No, I am not on the verge of suicide, nor will I be ever. But, there are times, when I feel so worthless that I consider it. Day and night. Daytime more than nighttime. At night, sleep. In the day, I am awake. It's harder to escape when I am not asleep. But, at night, I find myself waking up randomly, I tell others it's nothing,"just nightmares." But the only nightmare I am awaking from is myself. I am scary enough. I cannot put into words what I feel inside. I cannot describe it, because I do not understand it. The feeling of emptiness, numbness, in my head has been there since I was 11. It hasn't faded, it has just gotten stronger. I don't feel things like others, I don't cry because I pity myself, that I think the most awful things about myself and breakdown. I cry because others have torn me down. Others have corrupted me into not loving myself. I am learning, yet it is a slow process. I may not ever get to the point where I would consider it self-love. I remember hating myself at the age of 9. When a boy whose name will never be relevant, called me ugly when I was only in 3rd grade. At 8, my dad yelled the words, "I didn't want you, neither did your mother, we tried to get rid of you." Those words have haunted me ever since. I have not forgotten dad, nor will I ever. My memories as a child have been corrupted, blocked out by only screaming and criticism. The criticism from my mother, my father, my sisters, classmates. This was all happening until the age of 12. When I got my first electronic device where I could message and write freely about how I was feeling. Yet, when I wrote my inner most thoughts, my sister's ex girlfriend found it and showed it to my sister and I was screamed at, blamed for being depressed, kicked out of the only healthy environment I have ever known. This left scars, not physical ones, mental ones. They will stay with me until I am no longer breathing. The most traumatic event was when my father went to prison about 3 years ago. The cops raided my house, went through my personal belongings looking for something that was not in that house in the first place. I got super depressed, crying every night, not sleeping. This still affects me to this day. The scars... all of them are there. Out of sight, no one knows. When I was 14, I started taking an interesting attraction to boys. Internet boys of course. When I was 15, I met some truly amazing boys that made me feel so good. One of them dumped me after 3 days because he felt he wasn't good enough. I cried for that entire night and most of the next day. My old friends ex boyfriend noticed I was crying and asked why. I told him and he said it was silly. In 2018 I met another boy that I write about from time to time. I'm not going to mention his name, but he wasn't an ideal person for me to be with. He was abusive, lets just say that. He didn't treat me the way I needed to be treated. If I am honest, he made me cry more than any other person I knew at that time. He finally left me after being gone for 2 weeks. We were together for over 2 months, yet he was gone more than he was there so I would say just under a month would be a more accurate time frame. Inner feelings with that relationship, I ended up hating myself more and more after that. All the self-love and self-confidence I built before that disappeared. I wasn't in a good state of mind. I wanted to die most of the time, like he did. I had little support from my guy best friend and he stayed and talked to me until my dad came home and I wasn't by myself anymore. To make sure I didn't do anything. So did my girl best friend. She was there until I said my dad was home, when ̛ wasn't alone anymore. I still have the feelings. Of self-hate, loathing, wanting to die. I still find myself worthless, but I am slowly getting to an okay state of mind. Sorry for the depression, just needed to vent a bit. :)

January 19th, 2019 7:46 P.M

 I have to give a quick update, I have been very tired lately and only want to sleep, so nothing new.  My boyfriend is amazing.  He is so sweet.  He treats me well and finds me adorable so it's good.  

January 25th, 2019 8:54 p.m

 An update?  My mom read one of the things I wrote and started crying and wouldn't talk to me for 2 days.  I dressed like a girl for school today and my boyfriend almost passed out so that was pretty great.  Nothing new really.