Life of St Teresa of Jesus - Teresa of Avila (classic books for 11 year olds TXT) 📗
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the physicians said so, he gave no heed to them, but employed
himself in the ordering of his soul.
24. His chief suffering consisted in a most acute pain of the
shoulders, which never left him: it was so sharp at times, that
it put him into great torture. I said to him, that as he had so
great a devotion to our Lord carrying His cross on His shoulders,
he should now think that His Majesty wished him to feel somewhat
of that pain which He then suffered Himself. This so comforted
him, that I do not think I heard him complain afterwards.
25. He remained three days without consciousness; but on the day
he died, our Lord restored him so completely, that we were
astonished: he preserved his understanding to the last; for in
the middle of the creed, which he repeated himself, he died.
He lay there like an angel—such he seemed to me, if I may say
so, both in soul and disposition: he was very good.
26. I know not why I have said this, unless it be for the purpose
of showing how much the more I am to be blamed for my wickedness;
for after seeing such a death, and knowing what his life had
been, I, in order to be in any wise like unto such a father,
ought to have grown better. His confessor, a most learned
Dominican, [15] used to say that he had no doubt he went straight
to heaven. [16] He had heard his confession for some years, and
spoke with praise of the purity of his conscience.
27. This Dominican father, who was a very good man, fearing God,
did me a very great service; for I confessed to him. He took
upon himself the task of helping my soul in earnest, and of
making me see the perilous state I was in. [17] He sent me to
Communion once a fortnight; [18] and I, by degrees beginning to
speak to him, told him about my prayer. He charged me never to
omit it: that, anyhow, it could not do me anything but good.
I began to return to it—though I did not cut off the occasions
of sin—and never afterwards gave it up. My life became most
wretched, because I learned in prayer more and more of my faults.
On one side, God was calling me; on the other, I was following
the world. All the things of God gave me great pleasure; and I
was a prisoner to the things of the world. It seemed as if I
wished to reconcile two contradictions, so much at variance one
with another as are the life of the spirit and the joys and
pleasures and amusements of sense. [19]
28. I suffered much in prayer; for the spirit was slave, and not
master; and so I was not able to shut myself up within
myself—that was my whole method of prayer—without shutting up
with me a thousand vanities at the same time. I spent many years
in this way; and I am now astonished that any one could have
borne it without abandoning either the one or the other. I know
well that it was not in my power then to give up prayer, because
He held me in His hand Who sought me that He might show me
greater mercies.
29. O my God! if I might, I would speak of the occasions from
which God delivered me, and how I threw myself into them again;
and of the risks I ran of losing utterly my good name, from which
He delivered me. I did things to show what I was; and our Lord
hid the evil, and revealed some little virtue—if so be I had
any—and made it great in the eyes of all, so that they always
held me in much honour. For although my follies came
occasionally into light, people would not believe it when they
saw other things, which they thought good. The reason is, that
He Who knoweth all things saw it was necessary it should be so,
in order that I might have some credit given me by those to whom
in after years I was to speak of His service. His supreme
munificence regarded not my great sins, but rather the desires I
frequently had to please Him, and the pain I felt because I had
not the strength to bring those desires to good effect.
30. O Lord of my soul! how shall I be able to magnify the graces
which Thou, in those years, didst bestow upon me? Oh, how, at
the very time that I offended Thee most, Thou didst prepare me in
a moment, by a most profound compunction, to taste of the
sweetness of Thy consolations and mercies! In truth, O my King,
Thou didst administer to me the most delicate and painful
chastisement it was possible for me to bear; for Thou knewest
well what would have given me the most pain. Thou didst chastise
my sins with great consolations. I do not believe I am saying
foolish things, though it may well be that I am beside myself
whenever I call to mind my ingratitude and my wickedness.
31. It was more painful for me, in the state I was in, to receive
graces, when I had fallen into grievous faults, than it would
have been to receive chastisement; for one of those faults, I am
sure, used to bring me low, shame and distress me, more than many
diseases, together with many heavy trials, could have done.
For, as to the latter, I saw that I deserved them; and it seemed
to me that by them I was making some reparation for my sins,
though it was but slight, for my sins are so many. But when I
see myself receive graces anew, after being so ungrateful for
those already received, that is to me—and, I believe, to all who
have any knowledge or love of God—a fearful kind of torment. We
may see how true this is by considering what a virtuous mind must
be. Hence my tears and vexation when I reflected on what I felt,
seeing myself in a condition to fall at every moment, though my
resolutions and desires then—I am speaking of that
time—were strong.
32. It is a great evil for a soul to be alone in the midst of
such great dangers; it seems to me that if I had had any one with
whom I could have spoken of all this, it might have helped me not
to fall. I might, at least, have been ashamed before him—and
yet I was not ashamed before God.
33. For this reason, I would advise those who give themselves to
prayer, particularly at first, to form friendships; and converse
familiarly, with others who are doing the same thing. It is a
matter of the last importance, even if it lead only to helping
one another by prayer: how much more, seeing that it has led to
much greater gain! Now, if in their intercourse one with
another, and in the indulgence of human affections even not of
the best kind, men seek friends with whom they may refresh
themselves, and for the purpose of having greater satisfaction in
speaking of their empty joys, I know no reason why it should not
be lawful for him who is beginning to love and serve God in
earnest to confide to another his joys and sorrows; for they who
are given to prayer are thoroughly accustomed to both.
34. For if that friendship with God which he desires be real, let
him not be afraid of vain-glory; and if the first movements
thereof assail him, he will escape from it with merit; and I
believe that he who will discuss the matter with this intention
will profit both himself and those who hear him, and thus will
derive more light for his own understanding, as well as for the
instruction of his friends. He who in discussing his method of
prayer falls into vain-glory will do so also when he hears Mass
devoutly, if he is seen of men, and in doing other good works,
which must be done under pain of being no Christian; and yet
these things must not be omitted through fear of vain-glory.
35. Moreover, it is a most important matter for those souls who
are not strong in virtue; for they have so many people, enemies
as well as friends, to urge them the wrong way, that I do not see
how this point is capable of exaggeration. It seems to me that
Satan has employed this artifice—and it is of the greatest
service to him—namely, that men who really wish to love and
please God should hide the fact, while others, at his suggestion,
make open show of their malicious dispositions; and this is so
common, that it seems a matter of boasting now, and the offences
committed against God are thus published abroad.
36. I do not know whether the things I am saying are foolish or
not. If they be so, your reverence will strike them out.
I entreat you to help my simplicity by adding a good deal to
this, because the things that relate to the service of God are so
feebly managed, that it is necessary for those who would serve
Him to join shoulder to shoulder, if they are to advance at all;
for it is considered safe to live amidst the vanities and
pleasures of the world, and few there be who regard them with
unfavourable eyes. But if any one begins to give himself up to
the service of God, there are so many to find fault with him,
that it becomes necessary for him to seek companions, in order
that he may find protection among them till he grows strong
enough not to feel what he may be made to suffer. If he does
not, he will find himself in great straits.
37. This, I believe, must have been the reason why some of the
Saints withdrew into the desert. And it is a kind of humility in
man not to trust to himself, but to believe that God will help
him in his relations with those with whom he converses; and
charity grows by being diffused; and there are a thousand
blessings herein which I would not dare to speak of, if I had not
known by experience the great importance of it. It is very true
that I am the most wicked and the basest of all who are born of
women; but I believe that he who, humbling himself, though
strong, yet trusteth not in himself, and believeth another who in
this matter has had experience, will lose nothing. Of myself I
may say that, if our Lord had not revealed to me this truth, and
given me the opportunity of speaking very frequently to persons
given to prayer, I should have gone on falling and rising till I
tumbled into hell. I had many friends to help me to fall; but as
to rising again, I was so much left to myself, that I wonder now
I was not always on the ground. I praise God for His mercy; for
it was He only Who stretched out His hand to me. May He be
blessed for ever! Amen.
1. See Way of Perfection, ch. xl.; but ch. xxvii. of the
former editions.
2. See Relation, i. § 18.
3. A.D. 1537, when the Saint was twenty-two years old (Bouix).
This passage, therefore, must he one of the additions to the
second Life; for the first was written in 1562,
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