Life of St Teresa of Jesus - Teresa of Avila (classic books for 11 year olds TXT) 📗
- Author: Teresa of Avila
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more and more, and to follow my rule and vocation in the greatest
perfection and seclusion, yet I wished to do so only
conditionally: for if I should have learnt that it would be for
the greater honour of our Lord to abandon it, I would have done
so, as I did before on one occasion, [16] in all peace
and contentment.
5. I felt as if I were in bliss, when I saw the most Holy
Sacrament reserved, with four poor orphans, [17]—for they were
received without a dowry,—and great servants of God, established
in the house. It was our aim from the beginning to receive only
those who, by their example, might be the foundation on which we
could build up what we had in view—great perfection and
prayer—and effect a work which I believed to be for the service
of our Lord, and to the honour of the habit of His glorious
Mother. This was my anxiety. It was also a great consolation to
me that I had done that which our Lord had so often commanded me
to do, and that there was one church more in this city dedicated
to my glorious father St. Joseph. Not that I thought I had done
anything myself, for I have never thought so, and do not think so
even now; I always looked upon it as the work of our Lord.
My part in it was so full of imperfections, that I look upon
myself rather as a person in fault than as one to whom any thanks
are due. But it was a great joy to me when I saw His Majesty
make use of me, who am so worthless, as His instrument in so
grand a work. I was therefore in great joy,—so much so, that I
was, as it were, beside myself, lost in prayer.
6. When all was done—it might have been about three or four
hours afterwards—Satan returned to the spiritual fight against
me, as I shall now relate. He suggested to me that perhaps I had
been wrong in what I had done; perhaps I had failed in my
obedience, in having brought it about without the commandment of
the Provincial. I did certainly think that the Provincial would
be displeased because I had placed the monastery under the
jurisdiction of the Bishop [18] without telling him of it
beforehand; though, as he would not acknowledge the monastery
himself, and as I had not changed mine, it seemed to me that
perhaps he would not care much about the matter. Satan also
suggested whether the nuns would be contented to live in so
strict a house, whether they could always find food, whether I
had not done a silly thing, and what had I to do with it, when I
was already in a monastery? All our Lord had said to me, all the
opinions I had heard, and all the prayers which had been almost
uninterrupted for more than two years, were completely blotted
out of my memory, just as if they had never been. The only thing
I remembered was my own opinion; and every virtue, with faith
itself, was then suspended within me, so that I was without
strength to practise any one of them, or to defend myself against
so many blows.
7. The devil also would have me ask myself how I could think of
shutting myself up in so strict a house, when I was subject to so
many infirmities; how could I bear so penitential a life, and
leave a house large and pleasant, where I had been always so
happy, and where I had so many friends?—perhaps I might not like
those of the new monastery; I had taken on myself a heavy
obligation, and might possibly end in despair. He also suggested
that perhaps it was he himself who had contrived it, in order to
rob me of my peace and rest, so that, being unable to pray, I
might be disquieted, and so lose my soul. Thoughts of this kind
he put before me; and they were so many, that I could think of
nothing else; and with them came such distress, obscurity, and
darkness of soul as I can never describe. When I found myself in
this state, I went and placed myself before the most Holy
Sacrament, though I could not pray to Him; so great was my
anguish, that I was like one in the agony of death. I could not
make the matter known to any one, because no confessor had as yet
been appointed.
8. O my God, how wretched is this life! No joy is lasting;
everything is liable to change. Only a moment ago, I do not
think I would have exchanged my joy with any man upon earth; and
the very grounds of that joy so tormented me now, that I knew not
what to do with myself. Oh, if we did but consider carefully the
events of our life, every one of us would learn from experience
how little we ought to make either of its pleasures or of its
pains! Certainly this was, I believe, one of the most
distressing moments I ever passed in all my life; my spirit
seemed to forecast the great sufferings in store for me, though
they never were so heavy as this was, if it had continued.
But our Lord would not let His poor servant suffer, for in all my
troubles He never failed to succour me; so it was now. He gave
me a little light, so that I might see it was the work of the
devil, and might understand the truth,—namely, that it was
nothing else but an attempt on his part to frighten me with his
lies. So I began to call to mind my great resolutions to serve
our Lord, and my desire to suffer for His sake; and I thought
that if I carried them out, I must not seek to be at rest; that
if I had my trials, they would be meritorious; and that if I had
troubles, and endured them in order to please God, it would serve
me for purgatory. What was I, then, afraid of? If I longed for
tribulations, I had them now; and my gain lay in the greatest
opposition. Why, then, did I fail in courage to serve One to
whom I owed so much?
9. After making these and other reflections, and doing great
violence to myself, I promised before the most Holy Sacrament to
do all in my power to obtain permission to enter this house, and,
if I could do it with a good conscience, to make a vow of
enclosure. When I had done this, the devil fled in a moment, and
left me calm and peaceful, and I have continued so ever since;
and the enclosure, penances, and other rules of this house are to
me, in their observance, so singularly sweet and light, the joy I
have is so exceedingly great, that I am now and then thinking
what on earth I could have chosen which should be more
delightful. I know not whether this may not be the cause of my
being in better health than I was ever before, or whether it be
that our Lord, because it is needful and reasonable that I should
do as all the others do, gives me this comfort of keeping the
whole rule, though with some difficulty. However, all who know
my infirmities, are astonished at my strength. Blessed be He who
giveth it all, and in whose strength I am strong!
10. Such a contest left me greatly fatigued, and laughing at
Satan; for I saw clearly it was he. As I have never known what
it is to be discontented because I am a nun—no, not for an
instant—during more than twenty-eight years of religion, I
believe that our Lord suffered me to be thus tempted, that I
might understand how great a mercy He had shown me herein, and
from what torment He had delivered me, and that if I saw any one
in like trouble I might not be alarmed at it, but have pity on
her, and be able to console her.
11. Then, when this was over, I wished to rest myself a little
after our dinner; for during the whole of that night I had
scarcely rested at all, and for some nights previously I had had
much trouble and anxiety, while every day was full of toil; for
the news of what we had done had reached my monastery, and was
spread through the city. There arose a great outcry, for the
reasons I mentioned before, [19] and there was some apparent
ground for it. The prioress [20] sent for me to come to her
immediately. When I received the order, I went at once, leaving
the nuns in great distress. I saw clearly enough that there were
troubles before me; but as the work was really done, I did not
care much for that. I prayed and implored our Lord to help me,
and my father St. Joseph to bring me back to his house.
I offered up to him all I was to suffer, rejoicing greatly that I
had the opportunity of suffering for his honour and of doing him
service. I went persuaded that I should be put in prison at once
but this would have been a great comfort, because I should have
nobody to speak to, and might have some rest and solitude, of
which I was in great need; for so much intercourse with people
had worn me out.
12. When I came and told the prioress what I had done, she was
softened a little. They all sent for the Provincial, and the
matter was reserved for him. When he came, I was summoned to
judgment, rejoicing greatly at seeing that I had something to
suffer for our Lord. I did not think I had offended against His
Majesty, or against my Order, in anything I had done; on the
contrary, I was striving with all my might to exalt my Order, for
which I would willingly have died,—for my whole desire was that
its rule might be observed in all perfection. I thought of
Christ receiving sentence, and I saw how this of mine would be
less than nothing. I confessed my fault, as if I had been very
much to blame; and so I seemed to every one who did not know all
the reasons. After the Provincial had rebuked me sharply—though
not with the severity which my fault deserved, nor according to
the representations made to him—I would not defend myself, for I
was determined to bear it all; on the contrary, I prayed him to
forgive and punish, and be no longer angry with me.
13. I saw well enough that they condemned me on some charges of
which I was innocent, for they said I had founded the monastery
that I might be thought much of, and to make myself a name, and
for other reasons of that kind. But on other points I understood
clearly that they were speaking the truth, as when they said that
I was more wicked than the other nuns. They asked, how could I,
who had not kept the rule in that house, think of keeping it in
another of stricter observance? They said I was giving scandal
in the city, and setting up novelties. All this neither troubled
nor distressed me in the least, though I did seem to feel it,
lest I should appear to make light
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