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in my bedroom and looked at myself in the mirror. My makeup was ruined the so called waterproof was streaked across my cheeks. My face looked pale and my eyes were puffy. I was a mess.

                Sighing I untied my hair from its tie and run my fingers through it. I used my make-up remover and washed my face.

                Stepping out the bath I stripped from the dress and walked over to my bed. I bent on my knees near the edge and looked under the bed. I took out the little plastic bin.

                When my father died he left some things for me. I rarely ever go through it, trying to leave the past in the past. But it felt right, I needed to feel like my father was here with me. Opening the lid, some of the dust blew up in my face.   Coughing and fanning the dust around, I reached for the old college sweater. Underneath, there were pictures. Of me and dad, dad and mom and some, even, with my mom and me. Life was a lot simpler back then. Clutching the sweater to me I placed each picture aside. And at the bottom the cracked military picture of my father lay at the bottom gathered with different trinkets.

                I picked up the picture and finally I started to really cry. My sobs were heart retching and hurt my chest. I hiccupped as the tears ran down my face. I was crying for my daddy, the fact that he had to die and leave alone. That without him leaving Max probably wouldn’t have been here. That maybe my mom would have stayed with me.

                That I wouldn’t have been so alone.

                I was angry. Angry at everything. It wasn’t fair. Why did I deserve this? What did I do, what did Max do? I dropped everything in my arms and jumped over to one of my draws, digging in one of my draws I took out a Jack Daniels. I stared at the bottle, gripping the neck. Without any more thought, I popped the cork put the bottle to my lips, and chugged.

                The first drop hit me hard. It’s been a long time since I’ve drunk something but it felt so good as the burn rushing down my throat. I sighed after every sip, feeling the pain temporarily flood away. I wasn’t drunk. Yet.

                I took another long swig and turned to my bed again. Without dropping my bottle, I grabbed up the pictures of my broken family and threw it at the wall. Each throw felt like a release and I laughed from the delirium feeling I got. Then I started tearing up the room in anger. Ripping out drawers, throwing anything I could get my hands on. I was in frenzy and I did not have any control of what I was doing.

                And then two strong arms wrapped around my waist, pinning down my arms. I dropped the Daniels in surprise. Breathing out in pants I tried to fight the resistance. I wanted to break free and finally let loose all of the anger I’ve been trying to hold in. It took me a while to realize that I was actually leaning on Lucas. I turned in his arms and buried my face into his strong chest.

                He let me pour out all my tears and snot over his nice shirt. I probably looked crazy and not in anyway attractive, but at the moment I did not care. And I was grateful for the fact that he was here.

                When I finally calmed down we were both tangled up in eachother on my bedroom floor. My breaths were comng out in heavy pants and I sniffled a little. Looking up at Lucas he gazed back at me sadly. He also had a nother emotion that I don’t think anyone has ever had towards me before. The intensity of his stare kind of scared me.

Slowly he reached up and took a strand of my hair and put it behind my hair. His hand caressed my cheek and I leant into it.

                “I would kiss you right now but I know it is not the time.” He said. My heart stuttered at his admission and I swear if I could blush I would have. I did not say anything though, I could not if I wanted to. My throat felt soar from crying and screaming too much.

                This day has been too much. So instead I just curled up against Lucas’ chest and closed my eyes.

~~~

                The morning couldn’t have come fast enough. I slept horribly. Lucas slept with me the whole time. Eventually he moved me to the bed and after a few pleading looks from me, stayed in bed with me.

                When I woke up though the bed was empty, my and still ached, my head was pounding and my throat felt like I swallowed a handful of sand. Swallowing slowly I got up from bed and stood up. I did not even bother with the bathroom, not wanting to see my face after a whole night of crying. I went down the stairs and towards the kitchen where I could smell something cooking. Rounding the corner I found Lucas over the stove. He removed his dress shirt and was in a wife beater and boxers. His hair was incredibly messy but sexy at the same time. I couldn’t help but watch his muscle flex as he mixed whatever was sizzling in the skillet.

                He was incredibly sexy. And kind and funny. He stayed with me all night. Why am I not with him again?

                And then suddenly I remembered. I slipped.

                “I slipped.” I said it about loud this time. Lucas looked up at me and his eyes softened.

“I promised myself I wouldn’t go back to that person. The one who depended on alcohol and woke up like this.” My voice was gruff and it hurt to talk but it hurt mire to think of what I did last night.

Lucas shut off the stove and wiped his hands on a nearby towel. Heading over to me, he engulfed me in my arms. “If there ever was a time to slip, that would be the time Nadya. Do not beat yourself up over it.”

I shook my head, which was hard to do against his chest. “You don’t understand. Drunk Nadya is not a fun person. She’s impulsive and gets into stupid situations.” I instantly remembered the night. The night I finally divulged in alcohol.

I had been at a party and I was new to town. The only reason I heard of it was because of some girls in my class had been talking about it. It was just so I could get my mind off of my mother and the fact that she slept with my boyfriend. I walked into the house that smelled of booze, hormones and sweat. It took me some time to actually find the bar and when I did, I picked up the first drink I could.

                “That will never do the trick.” A voice said. I stopped chugging and looked behind me. There near the hallway stood a short girl with short curly hair. She wore an incredibly short shorts and tight top. But she as cute and she knew it. The short girl pushed off the wall wand sauntered towards me and I couldn’t help but notice that guys watched her as she walked.

                She must me one of those popular girls.

                “Come on newbie, let me show you how to really party.”

                I didn’t then how she knew I wanted to drown myself in alcohol. When I got to know her later I actually realized she does the same when she working to get over her mother’s death. Amy Little was a hardcore party girl and knew how to make herself forget. At least for the moment. She gave me multiple drinks and showed me how to do shots. Eventually the world was iridescent in color and everyone looked shiny.

                I was on cloud nine.

                And I forgot. All about my mother, my father and Tyler. I was having fun, for the first time in months.

                “Who is this adorable creature?” some guy asked while coming up to Amy. He put his hand around her waist and I thought they were dating. Which was a shame since he was incredibly cute.

                “My latest victim.” Amy said, a little proud. “I’m corrupting her you see.”             

                The guy nodded as if this was a usual occurrence. “Well my name’s Louis and if you need anything… anything at all. Tell me.”

                Amy pushed him with a smile but there was alright edge in her eyes. “Ignore him. He’s a pervert.”

                “Hey! She’s worse.” Louis pointed at the girl beside her. “I think she actually slept with more people than a politician.” Amy grinned and shrugged shamelessly.

                “What about you?” she asked. “You seem attractive enough.” It was a back handed complement.

                “Um.. I’m sort of a virgin.” Sort of. There was no such thing.

                Amy and Louis’ jaw dropped and they shared a look. Louis was the first to speak. “No boyfriend?”

                There was, I couldn’t help but think bitterly.

                I suddenly ws done with this conversation and all I wanted to do was dance. That was when another person came up to Amy and smooched her on the face.

                Amy pushed him off and did not look upset. In fact she was laughing. The guy wiped off his lips and turned to me. He was insanely cute too and I felt a little insecure. Here were people who were very sexual and okay with who they were.

                Ronnie looked me up and down and held out his hand. “Want to dance sweet stuff.”

                That usually wouldn’t work on me. But I was drunk, he was cute, and this was before he even came out. We grinded on the dance floor. Actually I grinned with all of them. We danced and drank and continued on in that cycle.

                The night was a blur, but it was the best I’ve had in years.

                So I continued to drink and party with my new friends. They were never interested with my past, all they wanted was a new party bud.

                As I recited all of this to Lucas he shifted from his position. We had eventually moved to the couch during my remembrance.

                “When did that change?”

                “Well my mother was pregnant and when she finally had the kid, which she had after we moved, we tried to work things out.” I shrugged. “I used to come home drunk and I’m pretty sure if she was not pregnant she would do the same.” I looked over at Lucas and smiled sadly. “I realized I didn’t want my brother to grow up in that kind of environment.”

                Lucas took a while to process this information. “What did Tyler do about Max?”

                “Nothing.” I snapped. I gripped my shirt in my hand at the memory. “My mother told him she was pregnant and the next day he ran away.”

                I sighed, “A few months later we were in New York.”

                Lucas took my hands which were still clutching my shirt. “After my parents died I found out that the girl in the other car was paralyzed.” I looked up at him surprised. He wasn’t looking at me though. His grip on my hands tightened.

                “I visit her as much as I can but she’s starting to wonder who I am.” He choked up a bit and cleared his throat. “My parents died in that accident and so did mine. But she doesn’t know the part about me being in the other car.”

                I squeezed his hands for him to continue. “Sometime I feel guilty. I was the one to actually walk away from that accident. And if only my parents hadn’t come to pick me up that day or at that

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