my first relation ship - natalie grace (ebook voice reader txt) 📗

to be and I shouldn’t have been so controlling and possessive. What I realize now is I was my own worst enemy. I realize now that my behavior is part of the reason he lied to me, although of course, I had no clue at the time. He told me what I wanted to hear and lived the way he wanted to when he was away from my eyes. When we finally broke up I blamed myself for being blinded by my feelings and not actually seeing that he isn’t right for me. But if he had had the guts to be true to himself as well as me, I would have seen it isn’t right and let him go. But he says that he didn’t want to lose me which is why he chose to live the way he was. I hated him for this when I realized but now I’m more at peace with it. I just kept thinking, yes he would have broken my heart but at least he wouldn’t have wasted a decade of my life. I may be a lot of things but I always speak the truth regardless of the situation. I wish he could have done that for me. I guess we were both to blame for how it all ended up.

The day I realized he was lying to me was when I caught him in the cinema with another female. Like a crazy woman, I sat through the entire movie with him in front of me with this girl to assess exactly what was going on. He didn’t lay a finger on her which to me even with my crazy jealousy told me it was innocent. I don’t know how I didn’t kick him in the back of his head looking back at that day. I think the shock was worse than any other emotion in that moment. After he told me she was just a friend but something died inside me. I now realize it was the respect I had for him. His pedestal fell and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I couldn’t respect somebody that lied to my face.

I felt like I didn’t know him. He was living a life I had no clue about. With friends, I had no idea about. How can you be with someone for 7 years and live a separate life from them? Why didn’t his ‘friends’ know about me? If she was just a friend why hadn’t I met her? Why did he keep me on the side like something he was ashamed of? Was I that bad? Was I that out of control? Was I ugly? What the fuck?? How could he live, speaking to me every day, yet leaving out huge chunks of what he was up to? I may have had my faults and yes in a healthy relationship you don’t have to share absolutely everything. But how can you have people around you that are a significant part of your life that you meet with and speak to regularly etc and not even mention them? I had never done anything like that. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t have, I would have slipped up and it comes out somewhere along the line. For the first time, I realized my perfect other half was pretty good at holding back things he felt I didn’t need to know. Or were they things he felt I wouldn’t like? So why do it then? It broke my world apart. My jealousy was replaced by something else that I can’t describe. It was like a black hole.

It’s really complicated to explain but I know one thing for sure, I lost myself in the years that followed. I forgave him for hiding things and still wanted to marry him. I tried to rebuild trust and wanted to change for him. I pushed myself to be more open-minded and understand that he is human and deserves to do what makes him happy. The whole time I had him in my ear telling me the way I was, wasn’t normal, in the end, I started believing it. He was kicking me when I was down and completely ignored his own faults. Instead, he blamed me for his own lack of honesty. If he didn’t like the fact that I didn’t want to be with someone that wanted to be around random girls, not colleagues but just random females he happened to meet, then he should have told me straight! Am I crazy?

The icing on the cake was my need to meet his family. I never did meet them, even after pushing him to let me make contact. You have to remember we were together over a decade when things should have started moving in a more serious direction, meeting his family was a natural step to me but he always had an excuse. It was the beginning of the end when his brother met his girlfriend, wife, now ex-wife. She has involved in his family straight away and it destroyed what was left of our relationship. When she came along, I irrationally hated her with a passion. It was like I pushed all my anger towards him onto her because it was easier. She was proof that every excuse, every reason, every situation that he had given me for over a year on why I cant meet his family became bulshit. I should have left him at that point and it makes me angry when I think about what I put myself through for almost 3 years after that.

I felt rejected, depressed and alone. My anxiety took over and I couldn’t recognize the person I had become. He made me feel like he was ashamed of me and it gave me a serious mental complex. I believe the stress is the main reason I developed my hormonal imbalance and literally my whole life blurred into misery. We fought constantly and I left him a hundred times and then came back because I felt like I couldn’t breathe as the fear of life without him took over. My dreams were shattering and I was trying desperately to keep them together.

In the last year I was so unhappy and alone I nearly killed myself. I started having severe panic attacks and when I look back it makes me angry and sad at the same time because he didn’t do anything to put me out of my misery. He had so many chances to save us. Just grow some balls and hold my hand against everyone, his family, my family, the world… but he didn’t. He was a coward and a weak man and I never saw it for what it was until it was too late. I wasted years of my life with the wrong guy. I can’t take that back. Now I am just trying desperately to move forward without him. It is so hard but I know I deserve somebody who will look after me and stand up for me. Someone who will speak up for me. Somebody who isn’t scared to live life and who loves me enough to actually do something about it, not just say it.

 

I’m getting there, life goes on…

 

Imprint

Publication Date: 01-22-2018

All Rights Reserved

Dedication:
I felt rejected, depressed and alone. My anxiety took over and I couldn’t recognise the person I had become. He made me feel like he was ashamed of me and it gave me a serious mental complex. I believe the stress is the main reason I developed my hormonal imbalance and literally my whole life blurred into misery. We fought constantly and I left him a hundred times and then came back because I felt like I couldn’t breathe as the fear of life without him took over. My dreams were shattering and I was trying desperately to keep them together.