Belong - Nerdy Cat (good books to read for women .txt) 📗

here for the past six months, and I see the same people every day here. I can even count them in my hea with their names and shapes. Dare I say I even know their orders?

 

My hair fell slightly on my face, very close to my eyes. The first time I cut my hair this short was when I first came to the city. I remember going to the Salon even before I go to my new apartment. It was something that I have always wanted to do, like some sort of a desire that has always been forbideen. I had my hair so long that it covered my whole back. My natural hair is curly, but my mother somehow put the idea in my head to keep it straightned and long. I rememeber her saying that girls should always have their hair long and straight, if not then they are not pretty. Beautiful girls should have small noses, heart-shaped faced, wide eyes, perfect figures, and the list kept going until I reached the point of hating myself. I think that is why, I never straighten my hair any more. It was the same reason for cutting my hair the moment I arrived here. 

 

"...I think he's been busy lately" 

 

Those were the first words I caught from a conversation that seemed to have been going for some time. Both Liam and Mark were standing next to my table. Liam hasn't moved an inch from where he was before, so I assume that Mark came to him. Mark words were light and I could hear his smile. I looked up and yes it was there. 

 

"Well he always say he's busy, with what that's what I'd like to know"

 

Liam replied, and I wasn't really sure who they were talking about. But I think Liam was not taking the conversation as lightly as Mark. I found him turning his glance to me, I put my smile back in place and tried to joke, "I have no idea who you're talking about" I put my hand up in mock surrender. 

 

"Have you heard from Arnold lately?"

 

Arnold wakefield, a man I didn't really want to talk about right now. He is a man of many problems, and when I say problems I mean psychological ones. We became friends when I first arrived here, and we managed to keep the friendship for two months. It might not sound like a lot of time, but for me they sounded like a life time. We had a sort of attraction going on and we went to only one date, but that was it. We could not even maintain the friendship we've had. He was, for lack of better words, consuming. 

 

'why on earth are you doing this? I am really trying to help you Arnold. She cheated on you, and you loved her. But as a friend I have to face you with the truth. You are not throwing this tantrum right now because you still love her, you are doing all of this because you wanted to see a copy of yourself in me. Guess what though? I will never be you. Because I am stronger, I can fight and I win. I don't let myself drown in alcohol and drugs to forget my pain. I embrace it, accept it, and use it to push me forward.'

 

Those were the last words I exchanged with Arnold. I remember this day very clearly, although it was four months ago. We were sitting in a small bar that he went to all the time. I asked to meet him after I'm done with my work. I think Frank Sinatra was playing in the background. I even remember the song, 'I've got you under my skin'. It was so fitting for the situation. Arnold in two months had consumed me; he was somehow leeching on my energy. His situation was bad I admit, he found his fiancee cheating on him, and when I say found I mean he caught her red-handed. But I couldn't find it in me to put an excuse to him trying to morph me into someone else. He tried to change my habits, my routines, my style, and everything else that is me. 

 

I think my smile flickered slightly before I said, "Well, I haven't heard from him in months"

 

Liam and Arnold are also friends. They met through 'Hamlet' years ago, I think around 5 years or so. I heard from Arnold that they are quite the good friends too.

 

"Maark"

 

Someone from another table called his name, and so he turned to us and rollled his eyes slightly while wearing a scowl on his face then said, "I'll talk to you later" And with that he walked away. 

 

I heard Liam sigh slightly as he looked down to the floor, which looked wooden but I am sure it was not. 

 

"I keep calling him every day but he wouldn't answer. Every year on the 15th of October We'd meet up and talk. It is an anniversary of sort." Liam explained still standing where he was. 

 

"You never know what might be going on with his life" I said in what I had hoped to be a comforting tone. 

 

"It doesn't feel that way at all" 

 

I don't know why, but I kind of felt bad for him. In this life I have learnt that people are just phases in your life. I have gained many friends thoughout my years, and lost just as many. I have got myself the occasional boyfriends and the serious partner and I have lost them as well. It is very hard to find someone stable within your life. I thought that blood relations are stable, and for many they might be, but i think it didn't work out with me. Maybe the problem is in finding that person who will accept the whole of you. The person who can accept your flaws just like they love all the good in you. Perhaps what people are looking for is not love, but acceptance. 

 

"Why don't you have a seat?"

 

I offered with a smile, and I think he was quite surprised with my offer. He nodded his head though and sat on the chair opposite me.

 

 

Chapter Three

 Well, it was total silence. A silence that has befallen both Liam and I. The chatters of the other group has died down as well. I think they were about to leave. There was now only another guy sitting on the high table all alone with his headphones in place. I think the song playing in the background was for Sam Smith. I didn't focus much on the lyrics but it sounded sad. Liam, for a reason or another didn't say much. I excluded the possibility that he was nervous sitting with me, because well he's him. I mean, even his walk radiated confidence and perhaps to someone who doesn't know him at all, they's think his arrogant. 

 

"So, what have you been up to?" 

It was my miserable question in an attempt to break the uncomfortable silence. I could have asked about the whole Arnold situation, but I didn't want to pry. I didn't want to sound too eager too. He looked at me with a smile then took off his suit Jacket and hanged it on the back of the chair next to him. 

 

"I'm good, the work is a bit hectic though" He replied then started rolling the sleeves of his white shirt up. Once he was done; he turned his head to me and asked, "What about you? How is it going in your new job?"

 

I rolled my eyes and shoke my head as an answer. I wasn't unhappy with my work. On the contrary I quite like it. "I'd say it is hectic, but I am sure not as hectic as you Mr. CEO" I replied in a teasing tone to which he laughed. I don't think I heard him laugh loudly before. 

 

"Believe me all work is hectic, but it is true. Being a CEO is not as easy as it seemed" He said in a light tone. And here is Mark again coming our way with the black cup in hand. It was Liam's cup. I don't remember who told me the story, but I heard that Liam had bought a cup and asked Mark to serve him, and only him, his coffee in that cup. It was all black and I assume it is ceramic. 

Mark Placed the cup on the table and Liam mumbled a quiet 'Thank you'.

 

Another moment of silence, which I took to look through the glass window. The streets looked quieter and emptier. I don't know if it is just me but you could see winter. Sometimes it feels like it is more than just a passing season; it is more like a state, calm and comforting. 

 

"Beautiful, isn't it?"

Liam asked and when I turned to him, I saw him looking through the glass window as well. 

 

"What is?" I asked, although I could form an idea of what he was talking about. Maybe the almost-empty street, or it could be the pale lights in the streets. 

 

"Winter" 

He answered turning back to me. I cannot really say that I was shocked, maybe a little bit surprised though. It was not because the strangeness of his thought, I dont believe it was strange at all, it's because I had been thinking about the exact same thing just few minutes ago. 

"It is ..." His face contorted in thought, perhaps he was looking for the right word. I refused to help though, I refused to offer a word that would describe a feeling. It would be my feeling. "Calm" He finally said with a relaxed expression on his face. I smiled giving him an approving look, then we both turned to the glass window one more time. Another moment of silence, but this time it felt soothing. 

 

He turned his head, held his cup of coffee and took a smal sip. "Does it ever feel wrong?"

 

I turned to him with a raised eyebrow, "What is it that feels wrong?" I asked.

 

"I mean...Does it feel like you don't fit in sometimes?" He asked with a bit of a stammer in his voice. 

 

His question has perhaps hit to close to home. I never felt like I belonged. I never fit in anything, anywhere, or with anyone. I couldn't fit with my family, nor did I manage it with my friends. It was even too hard at work. I have always had this feeling; the feeling of being caged or imprisoned. I couldn't fit in any category, and it seemed that there were too many. It is like I have to be either good or evil, nice or a bitch, beautiful or smart, and so many other things that you have to choose from. A choice that would condemn you, and then put you into a small cage. Because after your choice is made you have to act in a certain way to fit in the group of people who are like that. 

 

I couldn't say all of that though, maybe I didn't want to. "You don't feel like you fit in?" I countered his question with another. 

 

"Like I don't belong" He replied then took another sip of his coffee. I saw him then look for something in the