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downstairs and prepare myself some recesses puff cereal. As I sit there in the kitchen I stare out the window at the soft snow slowly accumulating on the dry cold ground. I rinse out my bowl and place it in the dryer. I walk over to the living room and sit down in front of the wall made out of glass. Our parents died 3 years ago on this very day. I look over to the Christmas trees and let the gentle tears fall. My parents loved Christmas. I don’t know how long I was sitting there but after a while I stood up and walked over to the window. As I went to turn around my head went blank and the next thing I know I was on the floor with a thump. I hear Sams and alexs frantic voice arguing while I feel some warm hands pick me up. I feel the cold air hit me immediately and I blink and shiver. I shake my head and rub my eyes and look around my surroundings. We were in the car. “What? Wait I’m awake I’m okay hey” no one payed attention. “Listen to me right now!” I yell a little bit louder. My brother pulls over and parks the car turning over from the car seat. Alex and Sam look at me and then at each other. Sam speaks first.” Um her are you okay. You know with everything.” He looks away. I sigh I guess they knew about my parents. I nod and look over to were Chris is staring out the windshield. “Let’s go home.” He nods and drives us home. We get inside and because of the snow the school called canceling school today. We all sit towards the couch and I see Chris struggling tears and I walk over and hug him tight. “I love you big bro.” I whisper into his ear and after a few minutes I hear him breakdown and cry on my shoulder. He may be my big brother but he’s still not perfect.


December. 24. Winter dance.

Today’s the school dance even though were on winter vacation they always host it in the hotel outside of town. Sam and Alex stayed over and we all wake up late considering that we spent all of last night watching movies and making a mess with popcorn in the TV room. I wake up before everyone and decide to practice my routine for a few hours. I tug on my black dance pants and my black leotard. I tug my hair into a long ponytail, my bangs hanging around my face not being able to do anything about them. I walk downstairs to the dance room and look around it. I walk over to the wall stereo and put on Alice and wonderland by avril lavigne. I close the door and put on the lights. I sit in front of my mirror and stretch. I do my routine over and over again and making my own dance to the song thought of you by Ryan Woodward. I start doing more leaps and I feel the music in my veins. I walk over to my closet and open my old school essays. I remember the time my eighth grade teacher made us write a essay about something we love and I wrote about singing and dancing. Once I find I want to reread it remember the way I felt when I read it out loud and the class just stood there in awe. I jump when I hear the door open and close. I look up to see Alexander staring at me. I smile and he smiles back. Something in me flips flops. Not my heart I hope. He starts talking and just hearing his British accent makes me melt. I am guessing I zoned out because he next time I see him is in front of me a few inches away from my face. “Good morning” he says. I blush and shake my head. What the hell is wrong with me? I back up and scramble to my feet. “Uh good morning” I stammer out. I straiten my skirt and get my position ready at the bar. I’m guessing Alex doesn’t know when to stop so he comes over and positions himself behind me getting ready for the routine in the song thought of you by Ryan Woodward. I shrug and we begin the dance. I forget the closeness of his body next to me and I forget the music I just let the beat the rhythm the dance Corse through my veins and I let my feet guide me to the end. By the end of the song we were both breathless and tired. After the last lift I grab my water bottle and chug the bottle almost dry. I sit on the floor and lay down exhausted. Alex sits down across from me on the other side of the room. We have been sitting there for a while and it was getting pretty silent, that is until Sam burst through the dance room with an excited grin on his face. Alex and I exchange a oh what’s this about face and press our attention towards Sam.


As Sam talks excitedly about what has him all piped up with Alex all I can do is repeat what he just said in my head.
Sam has a date.
A date to the winter dance.
Tonight.
With Annabel.
The cheerleader.
Tonight.
At the moment I was at shock yet deep down I was happy. Hopeful almost. My feelings for Alex were unraveling slowly and impatient like slow syrup gently and gracefully running down the trees waiting for some animal, some lost child to taste the sweetness of it. I jump up abruptly Alex and Sam not noticing and run out of the room upstairs and go through my closet. I go to the back of my closet and get out an old chest full of things my mother gave to me when I was younger. The three of us weren’t planning on going to the dance but now that Sam has a date e we have to go with him. I pull out the exactly what I was looking for and check the watch. 12 in the afternoon. I lay my mother’s dress on the bed and go downstairs for lunch.

By 7 I was showered and wrapped in my towel with my underwear on sitting at my makeup desk. I promised myself I would look hot tonight. I do a smoky eye and some lip gloss. Because of the fact that my skin is perfect without one blemish I’m finished rather quickly. I curl my hair at the ends and put it up in a bun leaving out some small pieces that I curl. I fix my bangs and put in my red diamond headband. I slip on the dress and marvel how perfect it fits me. I look in the mirror smile lightly. The black dress stops just before the knee. Strapless with a red lace ribbon tied right beneath the chest. I slip on the red stilettos and paint my fingernails a blood red. I grab my coat and black purse and walk downstairs.

As I approach the end of the stairs Alexander looks over to me and his jaw opens and hits the floor. Sams date is here and sams talking to her. I smile and Alex jaw drops even lower if that possible. I keep laughing as Chris walks into the room with a huge camera in his hand. “Okay everyone gather round let take some-“he cuts himself off when he looks at me. He looks me down and up and looks over to Alex and Sam “u guys better bring her back the way she is… and u better be next to her the whole night... u hear me.” I grin.” Fine... Take a few pics and let’s go”.

The dance was incredible. We danced we laughed it was a night to remember. By 11 I got tired and went to the balcony of the hotel to get some fresh air. Of course Alex followed me. On the way outside Alex phone rings and he looks down texting. I get to the edge of the balcony and turn around to bump into Alex who was turning off his phone and shoving it into his pocket. As he looked up his face was inches to mine and this time I dint fall back, I leaned forward and let my lips lightly touch his when suddenly I fell his arms tighten around my waist and his lips crush onto mine hungrily. He nips my lower lips asking for entrance in which I grant. I gasp and pull away my breath coming out ragged. I look at him and he stiffens. “Crap” he mutters backing away from me running his hand trough his hair. My heart falls for a second before I realize what to do. I step forward and say the words that have been hidden back for much to long. “I love you Alexander I’ve loved u all al long I was I don’t know scared, I was confused. I came here tonight because of you I dressed this way because of you. I want you to realize that.” I stand there holding my breath and shivering against the harsh cold wind. He turns slowly and looks at me. I look sat him slight tears clouding my vision. I hear him curse under his breath and walks back inside. Immediately I felt a sharp pain go right through my chest. Just by the heart. I walk blindly inside and reach my coat and phone I call a taxi and slip out the door before Sam can notice. As I ride home the tears pour out of my eyes and 20 min later I’m running up the steps and slamming the door. Chris comes running out but push past him I run upstairs and fall on my bed gasping and crying. A few hours I kick off my shoes and fall asleep to the sounds of Chris pounding on my door calling my name over and over.
The next morning I woke up early around 7 and rub my eyes before walking into my bathroom wincing as I see my makeup covered face and hair in a messy bun. My eyes swollen from crying so much last night. Last night. Just thinking about what happens brought a fresh new waterfall falling down my face. I wipe the tears away and make myself stop. I get in the shower and I let the warm water relax my muscles. Half hour later I hop out and tug on some jeans and my long sleeved black shirt. I brush my hair out. I notice that my hair now falls to my butt. I fix my bangs and slip on my converse. I make sure I have my sun glasses on and I grab my black peocoat and walk outside. I walk silently down the stairs hoping no one was awake of course that’s not true. Chris is sitting on the counter cup of coffee in hand newspaper in the other. I squeeze by him and almost get out the door but he hears the door squeak and he calls my name.
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