Secret War: Warhammer 40,000 - Ben Agar (novels in english .txt) 📗

he was the heaviest of the injured, so thought it was fitting I carried him.

"Well!" I said. "You heard the mamzel! We've got work to do."

 

 

It took us a good ten minutes to take the injured into the ship. The interior was almost beautiful, comfortable and well made. Soft, red carpet with slight gold lining was on the floor; the walls were cream, curling waves produced from thin lines of gold. The corridors were as thin as any other ship its size but seemed slightly wider because of the decoration. Darrance was with us; he seemed to know the ship's layout and showed us to the medicae area. We laid Hayden, Jelket on two of the four gurneys while Torris, who was still conscious, laid himself down. The two servitors who staffed it immediately began to treat their wounds. Darrance left for the cockpit, claiming he needed to 'get to know the controls.' Or something.

In all honesty, I wasn't sure if I was at all comfortable with Darrance piloting, but I kept this thought to myself.

I wandered off to explore; I found the lines of small personal quarters near the medicae area, eight of them on the ship's lowest level, all of them a good size and luxurious. Then the engine room at the other end.

I ascended the stairs into the large common room and kitchen and found Adelana and the old woman there. The old woman's torso covered in bandages, and they sat in silence in the corner on one of the large comfortable couches. Adelana seemed to be staring out into space, looking hunched and defeated, my black flak jacket laid crumpled on the floor at her feet. The old woman was asleep, her head hung forward, and her snoring reverberated through the room.

For a few seconds, I stood, looking at Adelana and admired yet again just how attractive the young redhead was. Quickly, I decided not to disturb them and turned to walk up the stairs I assumed led to the cockpit.

"What's going to happen, Attelus?" Adelana asked abruptly, making me stop in my tracks.

I turned back to her, but I had no idea what to say, what to do.

Then again, she started to cry. "How?" she cried. "How could this happen?"

My attention fell to the floor.

"My world!" she yelled. "Is my world going to die?"

All I could manage was a slight nod; I saw no reason to lie anymore.

"But why?" she whimpered. "Why?"

I didn't answer, couldn't answer.

"What's going to happen to my friends? My family? My mother, my father, my little brother and sister? Can't we save them?"

I only shuffled my feet.

She shuddered with tears and looked away.

"Why? Why did you save me?" she cried, her face abruptly turning into a mask of anger. "Why have you brought me here?"

"I thought..."

"No! I bet you didn't think!" she snarled. "You never stopped to consider what I wanted. Was it because I was nice to you? Talked to you? Are you that pathetic? You said that this was reality; this was the 41st millennium, that there is only war. What if I didn't want to know that? What if I wanted to live in ignorance? What if I wanted to die in ignorance?"

"It's not just that," I murmured, fighting back the tears starting to well in my own eyes.

"What?" Adelana snapped.

"It's not just that!" I cried, my hands curling into fists at my sides and just then, Helma, Verenth and Vark walked into the room. "...It's not just that."

"What is it then?" she yelled.

"I'm...I'm not a good person, Adelana," I said. "I've killed a lot of people, and I'm going to continue killing a lot of people."

I pursed my lips and gave Helma, Verenth and Vark a glance.

"When I met you, Adelana, when we talked, it lent me a new perspective," I paused. "No, sorry, it renewed an old perspective. I'd just been through hell, but you, talking to you, made what I'd went through worth it because it assured me that there were good people out there worth fighting for and worth dying for. Even though this galaxy is a horrid, dark place, and I've seen the worst of it, I believe that you deserve to live and..."

"So, you wanted to save me just because it inspires you?" she interrupted, sounding horrified.

"N-no, that's not what I meant," I stammered. "I couldn't save Omnartus, hell I couldn't even save your friends! I...I."

I stopped and sighed. "No, no, you're right, Adelana. I brought you here for selfish reasons; I never even considered how you would feel about I was warned, but I didn't listen. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry."

"Go away!" she screamed, and the abruptness made me flinch in fright. "Get away from me!"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't even talk to me!" she roared. "Leave me alone, you selfish bastard! I hate you."

I recoiled at her fury, nodded, then turned and started toward the exit. The others moved aside to let me past.

I paused at the peak of the stairs and looked over my shoulder at her. "I still intend on telling you the truth, Adelana," I said. "When the time is right, of course. I'll tell you everything I know, and once you know it, you will have a new purpose, a reason to live. You can hate me all you like, and I understand if you do, but please don't hate me. I was selfish and idiotic, without a shadow of a doubt, but that's because I'm only human. I'm a flawed, idiotic human. But hate, hate, Adelana is the worst emotion us humans possess. It has been the source of so many of our problems; it can be manipulated by those who know-how. It can twist and contort and drive good people like you into becoming monsters. Monsters like me, like my master, like the man who ordered the death of this world, like my father. So I ask you not to hate me, not because I don't want you to hate me, but for yourself, for your humanity and your sanity. I hope you can one day forgive me, Adelana. I truly hope you can, but I'd understand if you can't."

She continued to glare at me, her expression still set in anger, but I could see in her sea-blue eyes that she'd understood what I'd just said.

I turned and started down the stairs, ignoring the others as they watched me leave.

"I'm sorry," I said under my breath, finally letting the tears flow down my face freely.

 

 

In sullen silence, I went to the medicae servitors and had one bandaged my arm, then applied soothing salve to my ribs while I smoked my last Lhos as I winced and hissed with the pain.

+Attelus?+ Karmen said as I was in the midst of slipping my body glove back on.

"What do you want, Karmen?" I growled.

+I heard what you said to that Adelana girl.+

"Of course you did," I sighed.

+Now, are you aware of what Glaitis tried to make you into?+

"Yes."

+Do you remember what I said to you in this bunker a day ago?+

"You said quite a few things back then," I said. "Elaborate."

+I said I was here to save from losing your sanity,+ she said. +Like I had back in the ruins of Varander seven years ago, do you remember that?+

"Yes, I do," I said. "And I'll always appreciate what Estella Erith did for me back all those years ago, no matter how much she has changed. I needed you back then when I was a stupid teenager..."

+But you don't need that now,+ she finished. +I don't know how you managed to keep your sanity after all you've been through in the last few months.+

I laughed suddenly, bitterly. "How do you know I'm still even sane, Karmen? What does that even mean? Is there some indelible line between sanity and insanity? Torris had said that I suffered from something called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That doesn't sound sane to me!"

She didn't reply.

"No, I think you need me more than I need you," I said. "The woman that was once so caring and kind is now a woman who can callously control and have thousands of people slaughtered..."

I paused and sighed. "The woman I'd once loved, now I know she is capable of such acts."

+I...I won't try to justify what I've done, Attelus+ she said, her voice breaking with utter sadness. +I'll just say I did what I believed I had to, that none of us would be here right now if I didn't do it. But you are right; it is morally wrong.+

Yet again, I sighed and remembered the saying, 'anything and everything to win,' Karmen had adhered to it to its most logical extreme. She was the embodiment of pragmatism; she was far stronger than I could ever claim to be. Karmen showed the dark side of that philosophy, the philosophy I've always tried to live to; I hoped that I wouldn't wind up that way.

But was sacrificing all those men worth it? Just to save the few of us? Just because of the meagre knowledge we know. In all honesty, I wasn't sure.

Inquisitor Enandra also adhered to that, sacrificing all those ships, all those Navy personnel, so that we could escape the fate of Omnartus. A fate we had a hand in causing. I should've felt privileged, I suppose, but it made me feel sick more than anything else.

+Do you hate me?+ she said, interrupting my train of thought. +Do you hate me, Attelus Kaltos?+

"No," I said without a second's hesitation. "Do you think I'd hate you after what I'd told Adelana? That'd make me the biggest hypocrite in the millennia-long history of hypocrites. So no, I don't, I won't."

She sighed with palpable relief.

+But you don't love me anymore?+

"No," I said, it was a lie, but it was one of those few lies that needed telling. "I can't; I'm sorry."

Her reply was silence.

 

 

I left the Guncutter and walked back to Taryst's quarters. Only Arlathan and Vex were still there, and both glanced up at me as I entered. Vex knelt in front of his portable cogitator, his fingers a blur as they worked over the keyboard while Arlathan stood over him, leaning forward to watch Vex work. I was surprised the temperamental little teenager would put up with that.

"How goes it?" I asked, trying to attempt to hide my severe depression under a mask of fake cheer.

"As good as it can go with such a short time limit," said Vex sullenly. "I have managed to hack in, and I am uploading as much data as I can into my cogitator, but it's all frigging encrypted. It's an encryption code I've never seen before. I'm hoping that I can find something, anything I can use to decrypt it."

I sighed and scratched the back of my head. "I know that the sniper, Hayden Tresch is also pretty good with cogitators. He'd hacked into the Adeptus Arbites data stream a few months ago; he'd have been able to help you if he wasn't fighting for his life right now."

Vex shrugged. "I wouldn't want his help anyway; I am Vex Carpompter. Vex Carpompter doesn't need any help."

"Don't be stupid," I said, folding my arms across my chest. "Everyone needs help from time to time. You needed help from sergeant Garrakson so you could effectively punch me in the face. I've needed help on numerous occasions to survive many of my battles."

Vex shot me a withering glare. "That is all to do with physical violence. When Vex Carpompter works with data, Vex Carpompter does not need help!"

I shared a bemused look with Arlathan, who smiled and said, "Vex Carpompter better stop referring to himself in the third person. It makes Vex Carpompter sound like a complete arsehole."

Vex let out an animalistic growl. "Okie frigging dokie!" he snarled through gritted teeth. "Just shut up and let me concentrate, okay?"

I smiled and shook my head; if I was even half as skilled in something at the same age as Vex. I'd have been almost as arrogant as him.

On second thought,