understanding joe - Johannes (joe) Krahn (great book club books txt) 📗

is where my awakening started.

 

         The Universe spoke. Everything came crashing down. I´m kicked out, lose my job, Deadly sins popping up everywhere. Absolutely necessary for the bigger plan the universe has for me.

 

          I fell into a dark depressing abyss of self-loathing and hate. I became hate. I lived, thought and breathed hate. That’s who I was. Sound familiar yet? My whole life I told myself that I would not become my father. I would never leave my daughter. I found myself standing on top of a high bridge, drunk out of my mind. Suicide seemed optimal at the time. Not the first time I had been here.

 

The Universe spoke again. Almost like a movie or a book. A car appears behind me, and behind it sits a familiar face. I don’t know if there actually was a car there or if it was all in my head. It doesn´t matter, and never has mattered. The fact was, I was looking at myself from this person’s perspective, and saw how ridiculous I looked, so I decided to climb down and go back home. My new home where my boss had taken me in and given me a room of my own even though I slept on the couch most of the time, and what I did during the time I was there was not important. There is no point in living in the past. It happened, and there is nothing that I can do about it.

 

I found myself at a hotel, talking to my mom over the lobby phone, pleading her to buy me a ticket down to Oslo. At the time I lived far north where my daughter is to this day.

 

Bless her heart she arranged for my travel down.

I will never be able to thank her enough for all of the help, and all of the bullshit of mine that I have put her through during my life.

 

 

 No father should ever have to hold his daughter a last time but I did, and it hurts just as much every time I think about it.

 

 

I suddenly forgave my father, for i had become him. 

Oslo

Most of my friends from the past forgot about me when I moved up north. In that case I don’t really know if I should have ever called them friends in the first place, but for those of you who have been there for me through thick and thin; I am forever grateful. You know who you are.

 

The first period of time I was in Oslo I stayed with two of my best friends, before they became angry with me because of some stupid shit I did at the time. I was a very disrespectful little man at the time. Unappreciative of the entire blessing the Universe was providing me with. It provided me with shelter, food, love, and care. I was blinded by the self-pity I was wallowing in.

 

It spoke again. Kicked me out. Rendered me homeless. Luckily, another blessing came along. I didn´t really understand what was going on, and why I was constantly on the move, and constantly receiving shit. My confidence at an all low, felt unloved, and unwanted. My family had moved back to Texas, and even though I had met my father at the age of 17, I wasn´t able to visit anyone or receive any help without any identification. No passport, or picture identification of any sort. At this point, I met my best friend Ove, or rather met him again. The first time I met him was up north with my ex at a bar. They had attended a school together, and were great friends. He asked me to hang out. He had moved to Oslo randomly also. So I agreed to meet him. And we bonded immediately.

Psychedelics

 

DO NOT close this book now. You have made it this far; you might as well finish it. It is not very long. Remember I´m still pretty young.

 

Ove and I find psychedelics. Or rather, the Universe led the way to “Psy” experiences.

 

LSD25, or “Acid” as it more commonly known as. We are going to call it Acid in this story. Acid is a very misunderstood substance. Even it´s users misunderstand it. To be honest I still don´t truly understand it. I don´t think we ever will.

 

The first time I took acid, I thought I understood life. What I understood was the beginning of a larger picture. The very small corner of a very large painting that is continuously being painted and will never finish.

 

Walls melting, faces morphing, skies falling, and mirrors… I am probably not the only one who is a big fan of mirrors on Acid. Tends to make my face look funny, and I have a habit of disappearing completely into the black emptiness that is my pupil. It sounds scary, but it´s nice however. It´s commonly known as “The Vortex” or “Matrix”

 

After my first experience I can say that I felt a certain connection to the universe,, but I still had no idea what was going on. I just knew that I was a part of something much bigger than my own life.

 

 

I forgave everything and everyone. And felt I could go about my life without feeling sorry for myself about anything that had happened because I knew that it was a part of my path.

 

For about a year and a half I was homeless, starving, had managed to get myself into bigger messes, drug debts fights and addictions to other substances that are NOT psychoactive, such as amphetamines and pills.

 

My ex had completely shut me off in order to keep my daughter safe from dad´s messed up head, and I respect and understand that. Besides all of the horrible substances I also ate mushrooms and LSD and various types of psychoactive substances that kept telling me to hold on, and not give up hope. There was a path laid out before me I just couldn´t see it yet.

 

My problem was seeking. I have been attached to this dream of being a happy family with my child and ex. Having a warm home to feel comfortable in. These were all my wishes, and I kept seeking them.

 

I truly understood not only who I am, but who we all our the day I was reincarnated. On one of my trips, I died. And lived six lives. And I realized that we are all the same person. Just at different times. We will all live the same life, and the second you realize this, is the second you can understand that love is accepting the fact that we are all alone in this universe. We are all just living copies of ourselves, reacting with one another through time.

Love

 

What is love? Love is a universal language that we all understand at one point. Born with the knowledge but forget it once we start becoming conscious of our own insecurities and adapting to what we call society.

 

We are all alone. And the minute we accept that, the minute we can get over our own ego´s and start loving ourselves.

 

Help yourself. One day you are going to sit on the bus, or in the park, or even glued to the computer screen and realize that we are all the same. You recognize yourself in the people around you, so why not help yourself. Love one another.

 

We are put on this earth as a test of faith, faith in yourself. Realize your potential to love and change your own future and you will awaken. You will no longer be reincarnated on this level of material. We will hatch our egg, and awaken into a bigger dream. Awaken into something unknown and beautiful.

 

Sure. I don’t know exactly what yet. But like I mentioned; I´m still pretty young.

Patience

The second I stopped looking for love, and acceptance, I found what I was seeking. The reason for this is because we are using our mind. Our mind is a very powerful resource, but can also be very illusive. We think that we are the mind, but in all honesty, we are all souls, connected to our minds, driving these machines made of flesh and blood.  

 

It´s hard to believe at first but it is the truth.It is necessary to realize this in order to reach your full potential as a human being. We are much bigger than this world.

 

 I know myself that patience is very difficult, trust me I am the least patient person in existence. But I taught myself to ignore my mind, and trust my soul, and the universe, and as soon as I did that, things started to pop into place.