Do You Still Laugh? Do You Still Sing? - Melinda Augustina (i read books .TXT) 📗

Your parents friends have stories of a whole different side of your parents than you probably know. Let them talk and record those stories. You can write them out, or make audio recordings – whatever works for you. Your brothers and sisters have different stories than you have about your parents. Listen to what it was like from their perspective and write out or record their stories, too.

Record sounds of the house.

When Mother passed away no one said anything about the house, but we felt an additional loss around the house and I couldn’t even bear the thought that the beautiful house that had loved us and protected us for so many years might belong to someone else.

I took a small tape recorder and recorded many of the
unique sounds of our home. The clang of the wrought iron, oak and glass front door. The squeak of the little mail door in the front hall. The sound of Mother and Daddy’s bedroom door shutting.


The rhythm of Mother’s dresser drawers opening and closing. My sister Regina asked to be sure I got that sound.

There were lots of “girl” things on top of mother’s dresser that made sounds - lots of little bottles and things clanking. A creak in the hardwood under the carpet in the living room. I must have heard that sound a thousand times in my lifetime.

In the winter time, Daddy would wake us up by tapping a dime on the radiator in the master bedroom – it would clang all through the house – and he wouldn’t stop until we got out of bed and clanged back. So I had to record that!

The sounds of the kitchen! Cabinets, pots, pans, drawers. Especially the thu-clunk of the “junk drawer”. The sound of the water in the kitchen sink. I calculated how many meals my mother cooked – 43,800 was my rough estimate. Can you imagine? (I also tried to calculate the diapers she changed – oh my god – forget it!)


The sound of walking down the stairs to the basement. The sound of the washing machine and the dryer. These things may seem little silly, but sounds vibrate into your body for years and recalling them can stir memories and bring great comfort and laughter.

A few days after the funeral my brother, Andy, announced that he would be keeping the house and that was a nice moment. I was still glad I had recorded the sounds as when Andy and his family fill the house, it will be full of new and different sounds.

An audio record of the funeral.

We recorded the funeral which may or may not be appropriate for your circumstances. The music was exquisitely and perfectly performed and everyone loves their copies. I have listened to the entire
Mass several times. It always gives me a feeling of closeness to my mother.


Share a small something of your parent’s belongings with your close friends.

First, you’ll want to check to be sure no one else in the family wants it. It’s another way to let their energy continue in the world. It will be a treasure to them and every-time you see it you will smile. I gave a friend one of my mother’s scarves. The scarf and she became more beautiful when she wore it.

Again, take your time.

Take your time with the belongings of the deceased. Do not pressure yourself to “handle things” and do not let anyone else pressure you to do that. Touch everything you want to touch, acknowledge everything you want to acknowledge.
Remember everything you want to remember. Treat it all with love and respect. You are not just cleaning out a house - you are being given the opportunity to walk through a life. Treat it with respect and love.

One woman I know has yet to clean out her mothers’ clothing and belongings, a couple of years after the fact. She said she’ll visit her dad


and see a scarf or sweater or something else of her mother’s and take it home with her. She said she can feel her mother’s energy when she wears those things and it’s a little piece of her mother with her. How beautiful. Taking home little pieces like that has made the change smoother and more pleasurable for her.


The gift of attention.

You cannot underestimate the amount of attention your individual parents will need when their spouse passes away before them. Attention is the most valuable gift. The gift of your attention and the gift of attention type services. They will have new experiences and make new friends that way. Be generous. Do not let a cheapness of heart or wallet keep you from doing indulgent things for and with the surviving spouse.

And what they really want takes almost no money at all. They just want to spend time with you – they want to see you and know that you are happy.


I noticed my mother was not used to what we Texas girls consider essentials - like massages and manicures and other spa services. I noticed how much she resisted and, how much she appreciated those kind of gifts. I also noticed how she traded some of them in for hair appointments - that’s great. Obviously I hadn’t noticed that her hair was a priority over her hands.

If I had it to do over I would have scheduled my sisters and I to go with her. I never thought of that until now. Imagine the “women’s wisdom” she could have shared with us in such an environment. If you’re a man - buy that gift for the women in the family - they’ll love it.

Write out your dreams.

You, or one of your siblings, or even friends of your parents may have dreams about the deceased. My recommendation is you write them down as soon as you wake up. Share them with someone who will enjoy them and even with a dream interpreter if that is important to you. I noticed one sister and two friends of my mother’s had dreams and in the dream - as soon as they tried to speak directly to


her, she vanished. When my time came I was awake enough within the dream to tell myself, “Now don’t scare her off.” So I watched her from a distance and came up behind her and gave her a hug. I felt her squeeze my hand tightly as she had done in the last few minutes of her life. She appeared in other dreams, but this one was the most vivid.

Carl Jung maintained that if something happens psychically - it actually happens. It is different than only imagining. It is another reality. And for this dream situation, I like his description.


Pay attention to your own health.

For about two years after my father’s death, I noticed my mind made up a story that every cough, every sneeze, even the slightest pain was a fatal illness. I had the same experience after my mother died, too. It seems we’re more sensitive in this state and that’s a good thing. My hunch is that it’s mostly imagination and then perhaps it’s also just nature reminding you that you, too, are mortal. Go ahead and see a doctor, it will ease your mind.

Into young adulthood, and even adulthood, I remember experiencing sympathetic pains of many people. Weeks before my mother died or we even knew she was ill, I did not recognize my face in the mirror. I looked like a 70 year old woman, and my body was swelling beyond recognition. I know now that I was feeling some of what she was feeling and I think it was her spirit’s way of trying to get attention, in a way that her denial would never allow her to ask for directly.

Pay attention to what you are eating. Find someone you can talk to about your experience. You might want to find gentler exercises for a while and wait a while before returning to your complete fitness regime.


Sing.

Learn the song, ”Life Is Just a Bowl of Cherries.” It’s a fun song.


And finally - leave no love unexpressed.

I like to imagine that everyone expresses their love to their parents openly - and yet I know that is not the case. I once knew a man who had waited 38 years to tell his mother that he loved her. If you’re a mother in a situation like that - don’t wait 38 years - for heaven’s sake - ask someone you know to train your son.

If you’re the one who needs to say it, rehearse in the mirror if you need to - rehearse with children, or a friend, or your plants or your dog or cat, or practice right on your parents and tell them what you’re doing. Then give them the best you have. They may resist at first, but if you persist - it becomes a beautiful world.

Leave no love un-expressed.


That’s all I can think of for now.

May you laugh, love and live the life of your dreams.

Love, M


This is the journal.

You can use it to write out all of the things you appreciate about your parents - and then tell them those things. Or write them a letter about those things. No occassion letters are exquisite.

You can use it to write stories for your children about your parents - or what it’s like to be their parent.

You can use it to write memories of your childhood, write letters to your mother or your father if they are no longer living.

You can use it to design the life of your dreams.

There are a few questions to nudge you along the way, and some blank pages as I’ll bet you can come up with your own ways to use it.

Enjoy!


What is your most recent memory of your parents?


What is your funniest memory of your parents?


What is your tenderest memory of your parents?


What was your mother's/father's favorite birthday gift from when she/he was a child?


What was your mother's/father's favorite color and where did they see it most in their lives?


Who was your mother's/father's best friend as a child? Who was your mother's/father's best friend as an adult?


What is your favorite memory of your childhood birthdays?


How did your mother/father feel when you graduated from school?


What years do your mother/father consider the best years of their lives?