The $30,000 Bequest - Mark Twain (ebooks that read to you .txt) 📗
- Author: Mark Twain
- Performer: 1406911003
Book online «The $30,000 Bequest - Mark Twain (ebooks that read to you .txt) 📗». Author Mark Twain
In all ages of the world this eminently plausible fiction has lured
the obtuse infant to financial ruin and disaster.
If at any time you find it necessary to correct your brother,
do not correct him with mud—never, on any account, throw mud at him,
because it will spoil his clothes. It is better to scald him a little,
for then you obtain desirable results. You secure his immediate
attention to the lessons you are inculcating, and at the same time
your hot water will have a tendency to move impurities from his person,
and possibly the skin, in spots.
If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to reply
that you won’t. It is better and more becoming to intimate
that you will do as she bids you, and then afterward act quietly
in the matter according to the dictates of your best judgment.
You should ever bear in mind that it is to your kind parents that you
are indebted for your food, and for the privilege of staying home
from school when you let on that you are sick. Therefore you ought
to respect their little prejudices, and humor their little whims,
and put up with their little foibles until they get to crowding you
too much.
Good little girls always show marked deference for the aged.
You ought never to “sass” old people unless they “sass” you first.
***
POST-MORTEM POETRY [1]
In Philadelphia they have a custom which it would be pleasant
to see adopted throughout the land. It is that of appending to
published death-notices a little verse or two of comforting poetry.
Any one who is in the habit of reading the daily Philadelphia
LEDGER must frequently be touched by these plaintive tributes
to extinguished worth. In Philadelphia, the departure of a child
is a circumstance which is not more surely followed by a burial
than by the accustomed solacing poesy in the PUBLIC LEDGER.
In that city death loses half its terror because the knowledge
of its presence comes thus disguised in the sweet drapery of verse.
For instance, in a late LEDGER I find the following (I change
the surname):
DIED
Hawks.—On the 17th inst., Clara, the daughter of Ephraim
and Laura Hawks, aged 21 months and 2 days.
That merry shout no more I hear,
No laughing child I see,
No little arms are around my neck,
No feet upon my knee;
No kisses drop upon my cheek,
These lips are sealed to me.
Dear Lord, how could I give Clara up
To any but to Thee?
A child thus mourned could not die wholly discontented.
From the LEDGER of the same date I make the following extract,
merely changing the surname, as before:
Becket.—On Sunday morning, 19th inst., John P., infant son
of George and Julia Becket, aged 1 year, 6 months, and 15 days.
That merry shout no more I hear,
No laughing child I see,
No little arms are round my neck,
No feet upon my knee;
No kisses drop upon my cheek;
These lips are sealed to me.
Dear Lord, how could I give Johnnie up
To any but to Thee?
The similarity of the emotions as produced in the mourners in these
two instances is remarkably evidenced by the singular similarity
of thought which they experienced, and the surprising coincidence
of language used by them to give it expression.
In the same journal, of the same date, I find the following
(surname suppressed, as before):
Wagner.—On the 10th inst., Ferguson G., the son of William
L. and Martha Theresa Wagner, aged 4 weeks and 1 day.
That merry shout no more I hear,
No laughing child I see,
No little arms are round my neck,
No feet upon my knee;
No kisses drop upon my cheek,
These lips are sealed to me.
Dear Lord, how could I give Ferguson up
To any but to Thee?
It is strange what power the reiteration of an essentially poetical
thought has upon one’s feelings. When we take up the LEDGER
and read the poetry about little Clara, we feel an unaccountable
depression of the spirits. When we drift further down the column
and read the poetry about little Johnnie, the depression and spirits
acquires and added emphasis, and we experience tangible suffering.
When we saunter along down the column further still and read
the poetry about little Ferguson, the word torture but vaguely
suggests the anguish that rends us.
In the LEDGER (same copy referred to above) I find the following
(I alter surname, as usual):
Welch.—On the 5th inst., Mary C. Welch, wife of William B. Welch,
and daughter of Catharine and George W. Markland, in the 29th year
of her age.
A mother dear, a mother kind,
Has gone and left us all behind.
Cease to weep, for tears are vain,
Mother dear is out of pain.
Farewell, husband, children dear,
Serve thy God with filial fear,
And meet me in the land above,
Where all is peace, and joy, and love.
What could be sweeter than that? No collection of salient facts
(without reduction to tabular form) could be more succinctly stated
than is done in the first stanza by the surviving relatives,
and no more concise and comprehensive program of farewells,
post-mortuary general orders, etc., could be framed in any
form than is done in verse by deceased in the last stanza.
These things insensibly make us wiser and tenderer, and better.
Another extract:
Ball.—On the morning of the 15th inst., Mary E., daughter of John
and Sarah F. Ball.
‘Tis sweet to rest in lively hope
That when my change shall come
Angels will hover round my bed,
To waft my spirit home.
The following is apparently the customary form for heads of families:
Burns.—On the 20th inst., Michael Burns, aged 40 years.
Dearest father, thou hast left us,
Hear thy loss we deeply feel;
But ‘tis God that has bereft us,
He can all our sorrows heal.
Funeral at 2 o’clock sharp.
There is something very simple and pleasant about the following,
which, in Philadelphia, seems to be the usual form for consumptives
of long standing. (It deplores four distinct cases in the single
copy of the LEDGER which lies on the Memoranda editorial table):
Bromley.—On the 29th inst., of consumption, Philip Bromley,
in the 50th year of his age.
Affliction sore long time he bore,
Physicians were in vain—
Till God at last did hear him mourn,
And eased him of his pain.
That friend whom death from us has torn,
We did not think so soon to part;
An anxious care now sinks the thorn
Still deeper in our bleeding heart.
This beautiful creation loses nothing by repetition. On the contrary,
the oftener one sees it in the LEDGER, the more grand and awe-inspiring
it seems.
With one more extract I will close:
Doble.—On the 4th inst., Samuel Pervil Worthington Doble,
aged 4 days.
Our little Sammy’s gone,
His tiny spirit’s fled;
Our little boy we loved so dear
Lies sleeping with the dead.
A tear within a father’s eye,
A mother’s aching heart,
Can only tell the agony
How hard it is to part.
Could anything be more plaintive than that, without requiring further
concessions of grammar? Could anything be likely to do more toward
reconciling deceased to circumstances, and making him willing to go?
Perhaps not. The power of song can hardly be estimated. There is
an element about some poetry which is able to make even physical
suffering and death cheerful things to contemplate and consummations
to be desired. This element is present in the mortuary poetry
of Philadelphia degree of development.
The custom I have been treating of is one that should be adopted
in all the cities of the land.
It is said that once a man of small consequence died, and the
Rev. T. K. Beecher was asked to preach the funeral sermon—
a man who abhors the lauding of people, either dead or alive,
except in dignified and simple language, and then only for merits
which they actually possessed or possess, not merits which they
merely ought to have possessed. The friends of the deceased got
up a stately funeral. They must have had misgivings that the
corpse might not be praised strongly enough, for they prepared
some manuscript headings and notes in which nothing was left
unsaid on that subject that a fervid imagination and an unabridged
dictionary could compile, and these they handed to the minister
as he entered the pulpit. They were merely intended as suggestions,
and so the friends were filled with consternation when the minister
stood in the pulpit and proceeded to read off the curious odds
and ends in ghastly detail and in a loud voice! And their
consternation solidified to petrification when he paused at the end,
contemplated the multitude reflectively, and then said, impressively:
“The man would be a fool who tried to add anything to that.
Let us pray!”
And with the same strict adhesion to truth it can be said that the
man would be a fool who tried to add anything to the following
transcendent obituary poem. There is something so innocent,
so guileless, so complacent, so unearthly serene and self-satisfied
about this peerless “hog-wash,” that the man must be made of stone
who can read it without a dulcet ecstasy creeping along his backbone
and quivering in his marrow. There is no need to say that this
poem is genuine and in earnest, for its proofs are written all
over its face. An ingenious scribbler might imitate it after
a fashion, but Shakespeare himself could not counterfeit it.
It is noticeable that the country editor who published it did
not know that it was a treasure and the most perfect thing of its
kind that the storehouses and museums of literature could show.
He did not dare to say no to the dread poet—for such a poet
must have been something of an apparition—but he just shoveled
it into his paper anywhere that came handy, and felt ashamed,
and put that disgusted “Published by Request” over it, and hoped
that his subscribers would overlook it or not feel an impulse to read it:
(Published by Request
LINES
Composed on the death of Samuel and Catharine Belknap’s children
by M. A. Glaze
Friends and neighbors all draw near,
And listen to what I have to say;
And never leave your children dear
When they are small, and go away.
But always think of that sad fate,
That happened in year of ‘63;
Four children with a house did burn,
Think of their awful agony.
Their mother she had gone away,
And left them there alone to stay;
The house took fire and down did burn;
Before their mother did return.
Their piteous cry the neighbors heard,
And then the cry of fire was given;
But, ah! before they could them reach,
Their little spirits had flown to heaven.
Their father he to war had gone,
And on the battle-field was slain;
But little did he think when he went away,
But what on earth they would meet again.
The neighbors often told his wife
Not to leave his children there,
Unless she got some one to stay,
And
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