Something New - Pelham Grenville Wodehouse (books to read for self improvement TXT) 📗
- Author: Pelham Grenville Wodehouse
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An Elderly, Thin-Faced, Bald-Headed, Amiably Vacant Man Entered.
He Regarded The Honorable Freddie With A Certain Disfavor.
"Are You Only Just Getting Up, Frederick?"
"Hello, Gov'nor. Good Morning. I Shan't Be Two Ticks Now."
"You Should Have Been Out And About Two Hours Ago. The Day Is
Glorious."
"Shan't Be More Than A Minute, Gov'nor, Now. Just Got To Have A
Tub And Then Chuck On A Few Clothes."
He Disappeared Into The Bathroom. His Father, Taking A Chair,
Placed The Tips Of His Fingers Together And In This Attitude
Remained Motionless, A Figure Of Disapproval And Suppressed
Annoyance.
Like Many Fathers In His Rank Of Life, The Earl Of Emsworth Had
Suffered Much Through That Problem Which, With The Exception Of
Mr. Lloyd-George, Is Practically The Only Fly In The British
Aristocratic Amber--The Problem Of What To Do With The Younger
Sons.
It Is Useless To Try To Gloss Over The Fact--In The Aristocratic
Families Of Great Britain The Younger Son Is Not Required.
Apart, However, From The Fact That He Was A Younger Son, And, As
Such, A Nuisance In Any Case, The Honorable Freddie Had Always
Annoyed His Father In A Variety Of Ways. The Earl Of Emsworth Was
So Constituted That No Man Or Thing Really Had The Power To
Trouble Him Deeply; But Freddie Had Come Nearer To Doing It Than
Anybody Else In The World. There Had Been A Consistency, A
Perseverance, About His Irritating Performances That Had Acted On
The Placid Peer As Dripping Water On A Stone. Isolated Acts Of
Annoyance Would Have Been Powerless To Ruffle His Calm; But
Freddie Had Been Exploding Bombs Under His Nose Since He Went To
Eton.
He Had Been Expelled From Eton For Breaking Out At Night And
Roaming The Streets Of Windsor In A False Mustache. He Had Been
Sent Down From Oxford For Pouring Ink From A Second-Story Window
On The Junior Dean Of His College. He Had Spent Two Years At An
Expensive London Crammer's And Failed To Pass Into The Army. He
Had Also Accumulated An Almost Record Series Of Racing Debts,
Besides As Shady A Gang Of Friends--For The Most Part Vaguely
Connected With The Turf--As Any Young Man Of His Age Ever
Contrived To Collect.
These Things Try The Most Placid Of Parents; And Finally Lord
Emsworth Had Put His Foot Down. It Was The Only Occasion In His
Life When He Had Acted With Decision, And He Did It With The
Accumulated Energy Of Years. He Stopped His Son's Allowance,
Chapter 2 Pg 15Haled Him Home To Blandings Castle, And Kept Him There So
Relentlessly That Until The Previous Night, When They Had Come Up
Together By An Afternoon Train, Freddie Had Not Seen London For
Nearly A Year.
Possibly It Was The Reflection That, Whatever His Secret
Troubles, He Was At Any Rate Once More In His Beloved Metropolis
That Caused Freddie At This Point To Burst Into Discordant Song.
He Splashed And Warbled Simultaneously.
Lord Emsworth's Frown Deepened And He Began To Tap His Fingers
Together Irritably. Then His Brow Cleared And A Pleased Smile
Flickered Over His Face. He, Too, Had Remembered.
What Lord Emsworth Remembered Was This: Late In The Previous
Autumn The Next Estate To Blandings Had Been Rented By An
American, A Mr. Peters--A Man With Many Millions, Chronic
Dyspepsia, And One Fair Daughter--Aline. The Two Families Had
Met. Freddie And Aline Had Been Thrown Together; And, Only A Few
Days Before, The Engagement Had Been Announced. And For Lord
Emsworth The Only Flaw In This Best Of All Possible Worlds Had
Been Removed.
Yes, He Was Glad Freddie Was Engaged To Be Married To Aline
Peters. He Liked Aline. He Liked Mr. Peters. Such Was The Relief
He Experienced That He Found Himself Feeling Almost Affectionate
Toward Freddie, Who Emerged From The Bathroom At This Moment,
Clad In A Pink Bathrobe, To Find The Paternal Wrath Evaporated,
And All, So To Speak, Right With The World.
Nevertheless, He Wasted No Time About His Dressing. He Was Always
Ill At Ease In His Father's Presence And He Wished To Be
Elsewhere With All Possible Speed. He Sprang Into His Trousers
With Such Energy That He Nearly Tripped Himself Up. As He
Disentangled Himself He Recollected Something That Had Slipped
His Memory.
"By The Way, Gov'nor, I Met An Old Pal Of Mine Last Night And
Asked Him Down To Blandings This Week. That's All Right, Isn't
It? He's A Man Named Emerson, An American. He Knows Aline Quite
Well, He Says--Has Known Her Since She Was A Kid."
"I Do Not Remember Any Friend Of Yours Named Emerson."
"Well, As A Matter Of Fact, I Met Him Last Night For The First
Time. But It's All Right. He's A Good Chap, Don't You Know!
--And All That Sort Of Rot."
Lord Emsworth Was Feeling Too Benevolent To Raise The Objections
He Certainly Would Have Raised Had His Mood Been Less Sunny.
"Certainly; Let Him Come If He Wishes."
"Thanks, Gov'nor."
Chapter 2 Pg 16
Freddie Completed His Toilet.
"Doing Anything Special This Morning, Gov'nor? I Rather Thought
Of Getting A Bit Of Breakfast And Then Strolling Round A Bit.
Have You Had Breakfast?"
"Two Hours Ago. I Trust That In The Course Of Your Strolling You
Will Find Time To Call At Mr. Peters' And See Aline. I Shall Be
Going There Directly After Lunch. Mr. Peters Wishes To Show Me
His Collection Of--I Think Scarabs Was The Word He Used."
"Oh, I'll Look In All Right! Don't You Worry! Or If I Don't I'll
Call The Old Boy Up On The Phone And Pass The Time Of Day. Well,
I Rather Think I'll Be Popping Off And Getting That Bit Of
Breakfast--What?"
Several Comments On This Speech Suggested Themselves To Lord
Emsworth. In The First Place, He Did Not Approve Of Freddie's
Allusion To One Of America's Merchant Princes As "The Old Boy."
Second, His Son's Attitude Did Not Strike Him As The Ideal
Attitude Of A Young Man Toward His Betrothed. There Seemed To Be
A Lack Of Warmth. But, He Reflected, Possibly This Was Simply
Another Manifestation Of The Modern Spirit; And In Any Case It
Was Not Worth Bothering About; So He Offered No Criticism.
Presently, Freddie Having Given His Shoes A Flick With A Silk
Handkerchief And Thrust The Latter Carefully Up His Sleeve, They
Passed Out And Down Into The Main Lobby Of The Hotel, Where They
Parted--Freddie To His Bit Of Breakfast; His Father To Potter
About The Streets And Kill Time Until Luncheon. London Was Always
A Trial To The Earl Of Emsworth. His Heart Was In The Country And
The City Held No Fascinations For Him.
* * *
On One Of The Floors In One Of The Buildings In One Of The
Streets That Slope Precipitously From The Strand To The Thames
Embankment, There Is A Door That Would Be All The Better For A
Lick Of Paint, Which Bears What Is Perhaps The Most Modest And
Unostentatious Announcement Of Its Kind In London. The Grimy
Ground-Glass Displays The Words:
R. Jones
Simply That And Nothing More. It Is Rugged In Its Simplicity.
You Wonder, As You Look At It--If You Have Time To Look At And
Wonder About These Things--Who This Jones May Be; And What Is The
Business He Conducts With Such Coy Reticence.
As A Matter Of Fact, These Speculations Had Passed Through
Suspicious Minds At Scotland Yard, Which Had For Some Time Taken
Not A Little Interest In R. Jones. But Beyond Ascertaining That
He Bought And Sold Curios, Did A Certain Amount Of Bookmaking
Chapter 2 Pg 17During The Flat-Racing Season, And Had Been Known To Lend Money,
Scotland Yard Did Not Find Out Much About Mr. Jones And Presently
Dismissed Him From Its Thoughts.
On The Theory, Given To The World By William Shakespeare, That It
Is The Lean And Hungry-Looking Men Who Are Dangerous, And That
The "Fat, Sleek-Headed Men, And Such As Sleep O' Nights," Are
Harmless, R. Jones Should Have Been Above Suspicion. He Was
Infinitely The Fattest Man In The West-Central Postal District Of
London. He Was A Round Ball Of A Man, Who Wheezed When He Walked
Upstairs, Which Was Seldom, And Shook Like Jelly If Some Tactless
Friend, Wishing To Attract His Attention, Tapped Him Unexpectedly
On The Shoulder. But This Occurred Still Less Frequently Than His
Walking Upstairs; For In R. Jones' Circle It Was Recognized That
Nothing Is A Greater Breach Of Etiquette And Worse Form Than To
Tap People Unexpectedly On The Shoulder. That, It Was Felt,
Should Be Left To Those Who Are Paid By The Government To Do It.
R. Jones Was About Fifty Years Old, Gray-Haired, Of A Mauve
Complexion, Jovial Among His Friends, And Perhaps Even More
Jovial With Chance Acquaintances. It Was Estimated By Envious
Intimates That His Joviality With Chance Acquaintances, Specially
With Young Men Of The Upper Classes, With Large Purses And Small
Foreheads--Was Worth Hundreds Of Pounds A Year To Him. There Was
Something About His Comfortable Appearance And His Jolly Manner
That Irresistibly Attracted A Certain Type Of Young Man. It Was
His Good Fortune That This Type Of Young Man Should Be The Type
Financially Most Worth Attracting.
Freddie Threepwood Had Fallen Under His Spell During His Short
But Crowded Life In London. They Had Met For The First Time At
The Derby; And Ever Since Then R. Jones Had Held In Freddie's
Estimation That Position Of Guide, Philosopher And Friend Which
He Held In The Estimation Of So Many Young Men Of Freddie's
Stamp.
That Was Why, At Twelve O'clock Punctually On This Spring Day, He
Tapped With His Cane On R. Jones' Ground Glass, And Showed Such
Satisfaction And Relief When The Door Was Opened By The
Proprietor In Person.
"Well, Well, Well!" Said R. Jones Rollickingly. "Whom Have We
Here? The Dashing Bridegroom-To-Be, And No Other!"
R. Jones, Like Lord Emsworth, Was Delighted That Freddie Was
About To Marry A Nice Girl With Plenty Of Money. The Sudden
Turning Off Of The Tap From Which Freddie's Allowance Had Flowed
Had Hit Him Hard. He Had Other Sources Of Income, Of Course; But
Few So Easy And Unfailing As Freddie Had Been In The Days Of His
Prosperity.
"The Prodigal Son, By George! Creeping Back Into The Fold After
All This Weary Time! It Seems Years Since I Saw You, Freddie.
The Old Gov'nor Put His Foot Down--Didn't He?--And Stopped The
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