Kryptonite Kisses - Trixie Belle (classic literature books .TXT) 📗

Every hour and fourty-five minutes, another young person commits suicide. And for every suicide, there are 50 to 100 attempts at suicide. Suicide is the third leading cause of death

for 15 to 24 year olds.

Let's put a stop to this.

It's an injustice that a young person should ever feel like they are worthless, or that their life isn't worth living. I should know; I've been there, done that, and come out the other end of it. This is my diary from 2008 - 2009, when I was in the depths of my depression. I hope that by making this memoir public, I can make one troubled young person realise that they've got a life fighting for.

Never

feel like suicide is the only way out.
You have options.


7th June 2008

So it's my birthday in exactly two months!
Sweet Sixteen!
I never thought I'd actually have a proper sixteenth.
You know.
Never been kissed.

Tash was having this, "party" thing at Q1, except it's not really hers so to speak, it's her sister's boyfriend's or something.
And hence, I didn't want to go to a strange apartment with a bunch of strange people.

Perhaps it's my characteristic indifference that makes me so awkward around the human race.
I dunno. Whatever it is, it inhibits my capability to make friends.


14th September 2008

Okay, so it's been quite a while since I last wrote.
I suppose I don't write much because my life is so uneventful. I just don't see the point in recording useless information.

I think I may actually be clinically depressed. I just feel like crying all the time, and for no apparent reason. I feel ugly, unloved, and unvalued.
I feel like I have no real

friends, like I'm on the outside, looking in.
It feels like I'm spiralling downwards, and I'm afraid I won't be able to get back up again.
I just can't see my life getting any better.

This, of course, has a lot to do with the social rejection I feel each and every day. It's like I'm the back-up friend, and when I'm not needed I'm discarded like a tasteless piece of gum.
I've felt this way my entire life - like I'm not good enough. I feel like an alien.

If I could just leave school and retreat to my mind and my thoughts, I'd be inexplicably happy.

I haven't told Mum how I feel. I've never liked the idea of opening up, not even to my Mother. It's too painful, and I hate people to see my cry.
Right now, I'm not considering suicide, but earlier, I honestly felt like everyone would be better off without me.

I really need to go get some help.
But I won't.

When I look in the mirror, I see a worthless object, incapable of receiving human love or affection.

I wish I had purpose.
Talent.
Meaning.


18th September 2008

Am I a masochist because I can't get over a guy that treats me like crap, like I'm nothing? Endless criticisms, him trying to make me something I'm not.
And yet I can't get him out of my mind.
I just wish I could.
I'm glad it's the holidays. That gives me two weeks to sever all contact with Will, and hopefully clear my mind, get my head straight.


23rd September 2008

Yesterday, Sarah and I went on this massive bike ride. It started off as just going to Bundall, but we ended up going all the way to the beach! It was great. We went up the Q1 and had ice-cream on the beach. Then we had chocolate-dipped strawberries and watched Juno.
best day ever.


27th September 2008

Why is it that one person's opinion can dictate how an entire group of people feel? Are they really all merely lemmings?

In my case, it's two people: Abby Whitcomb and Eloise Burton, Queen Bitches. Just because they don't like us, their followers (who I once thought of as friends) are ashamed to be seen with us. It's bull.

How are we supposed to remain resilient to the opinions of others? How come I can't just... Not care what they think of me? Instead it consumes me.

I have a year and a quarter left of high-school; how am I supposed to cope? Who knows, I might not even be

on their childish, "Black List".
But I know for certain that Tash is. And because I let myself be seen with Tash, I might automatically be on it, too. And it's not like I let their mocking stares and snide remarks fool me; I am hated.
It is, after all, an incurable hate, so perhaps I should focus on more trivial matters, such as what I should get on my Senior Jersey?
God, I don't know why I let it bother me.

I never really expected I'd keep this journal going, but it really does help to get these feelings out.
I know it's just teenage angst, but I'd prefer not to bottle it up.
That leads to mental break-downs.

God! I wanted this to be a memory, not a hormonal hurricane. I just can't help it.

APOLOGIES.

Why is it that during term, when I'm surrounded by people, I feel lonely, but when I'm on holidays and alone, I couldn't be happier?
Odd.


4th October 2008

Horrors of horrors, I have school tomorrow. My two weeks of complete social severance are over.

And to make things worse, Milo's lost down the drain and can't get out. I can't sleep without my chocolate monster! I've been checking every half hour for him, but there's just no sign. I've put food and a bed down there for him, so fingers crossed he'll be back by morning.
I'm just so worried! I couldn't cope without him.
Please God, don't take Milo away from me, please.
Milo, come back!


6th October 2008

Milo's back!
After being in the drain 35 hours, Mum was finally able to coax him out and grab him. She didn't get in the drain of course; she leaned in and pulled him out by the neck like their mothers do. Thank God.

But ugh, Mrs Chancell was bitching today that I don't put enough effort into Math B, and that I should go into Math A.
Well, if she didn't have such tiny teeth that were more interesting than whatever nonsense she's shoving down our throats then MAYBE I'd be able to concentrate in class.

I'm just so sick of teachers sticking their noses in my business! They're always like, "Oh Trixie, you've had so many days off school, is everything all right at home?"
How am I supposed to tell them that I don't go to school because I can't be bothered? I bet they sit in their staff rooms wildly contemplating the various problems I could have.
Ha.


15th October 2008

I thought I'd write tonight, a Wednesday, because I can't seem to shut my brain off, and reading doesn't help.

We're all sort of in limbo at the moment, trying to decide whether or not to go back to New Zealand. Personally, I'm undecided.
I would

like to finish high-school here, and everything's so... Y'know, in New Zealand. And way more expensive.

As much as I hate to say it, Australia has become home to me. I'm torn between two countries and I don't know which to choose. I just know that if I go back now, I'll never see any of my friends again. I'm not going to glamourise it, it's the truth.
Sigh, the fret of indecision.


17th October 2008

Today I finally realised that I no longer have a crush on Will; if anything, I hate him.
He's always nagging and criticising and bitching! So damned annoying. And to top it all off, he was whinging about Sarah (best friend) right in front of me!

Ugh, I just wanted to rip his stupid head off.
Thank God him and the rest of his loser friends migrated at lunch. Even though our sub-group is still plagued by Sophie Harvey and Shannon DiCanto, it is marginally better without Abby, Eloise, Gibson and ESPECIALLY Will.

I can't believe I have had a crush on him.
What an embarrassment!

Well I suppose that's a sufficient rant for this evening.


Early in the morning of the 8th of November

Well.
It's near to a month since I last wrote, and I can truthfully say that A LOT has happened.

First of all, Rob came over to stay for two weeks. It was so nice having him here again. It's like he's the one thing that puts this family in balance, and without him terror and chaos ensues.
But I do

have to be happy for him. He's met a sweet girl whom he loves and adores. if that takes him to L.A, then so be it.

But anyways, moving on.
I got invited to apply for English Extension!

It has been my ultimate goal since grade 8, and so I desperately hope I get in. It's a class of only nine students, but I know I have a good chance of getting in.
At least I hope so.


What is it? The 22nd?

I haven't been able to write in a while because I've been so upset.

I don't think many people realise how unbearably painful it is to have your dreams shattered in an instant.
With a mere sentence, no less:
"Unsuccessful application for English Extension."

A letter came on Wednesday during home-room - sealed and everything. A simple envelope that would make my world come crumbling down around me.

I guess it seems pretty pathetic to want to get into a course so desperately, but I suppose I've had my sights set on it for three years.

But what really gets me is that fact that Paige of all people got into it. So not only do have to deal with the fact that I'm not smart enough to get into my dream course, but I'm expected to accepted that Paige IS?!
Slack-Off Paige that never even turns up to school?

And get this.
11:20am on Wednesday:
I'm still reeling from the fact that my dream has been stolen, whilst trying to ready myself for the upcoming English exam (Intertextuality: The Crucible and Guilty by Suspicion).
Paige saunters in, late as usual, and UNPREPARED.
But then... The unbelievable.
Mrs Tulley GAVE HER THE QUOTES. The same quotes I worked my ass off all week researching and integrating into my argument.
So basically, I did terrible on my exam because I couldn't stop thinking about how on EARTH that little miss Idle got into Extension.

But I have to admit that I've failed.
Failed in my attempt to get over Will.
I figured that if I repeatedly told myself and others that I hated him, I'd start to believe it.
And I thought it was working until my sister started a conversation with him on MSN.
After the initial explanations of her mischief, the conversation just continued.
I fell instantly back in love with him.

But I just don't get it.
How can I be so madly in love with someone when all he does is criticise and ignore?
That MSN conversation was probably the first time we'd talked in months,