Random old fashion quick plays - uk;guio[;p oityouiou (most inspirational books of all time txt) 📗

Rude Witch?

EXT. TOWER BRIDGE - AFTERNOON

Considerate waitress LADY AMOR BLACKMAN is arguing with loving mechanic MR. ARCHER PARKER. AMOR tries to hug ARCHER but she shakes her off.

 

AMOR
Please Archer, don't leave me.

 

 

ARCHER
I'm sorry Amor, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

 

 

AMOR
I am such a person!

 

ARCHER frowns.

 

ARCHER
I'm sorry, Amor. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

 

ARCHER leaves.

AMOR sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, hilarious Chef LADY CHARLOTTE WILLIS barges in looking flustered.

 

AMOR
Goodness, Charlotte! Is everything okay?

 

 

CHARLOTTE
I'm afraid not.

 

 

AMOR
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

 

 

CHARLOTTE
It's ... a Witch ... I saw an evil Witch kill a bunch of Regulars at the cafe!

 

 

AMOR
Defenseless Regulars at the cafe?

 

 

CHARLOTTE
Yes, defenseless Regulars at the cafe!

 

 

AMOR
Bloomin' heck, Charlotte! We've got to do something.

 

 

CHARLOTTE
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

 

 

AMOR
You can start by telling me where this happened.

 

 

CHARLOTTE
I was...

 

CHARLOTTE fans herself and begins to wheeze.

 

AMOR
Focus Charlotte, focus! Where did it happen?

 

 

CHARLOTTE
a book shop! That's right - a book shop!

 

AMOR springs up and begins to run.

 

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

AMOR rushes along the street, followed by CHARLOTTE. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

 

EXT. A BOOK SHOP - SHORTLY AFTER

CHARITY GUMP a rude Witch terrorises two Regulars at the cafe.

AMOR, closely followed by CHARLOTTE, rushes towards CHARITY, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

 

CHARLOTTE
What is is? What's the matter?

 

 

AMOR
That's not just any old Witch, that's Charity Gump!

 

 

CHARLOTTE
Who's Charity Gump?

 

 

AMOR
Who's Charity Gump? Who's Charity Gump? Only the most rude Witch in the universe!

 

 

CHARLOTTE
Blinkin' knickers, Amor! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most rude Witch in the universe!

 

 

AMOR
You can say that again.

 

 

CHARLOTTE
Blinkin' knickers, Amor! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most rude Witch in the universe!

 

 

AMOR
I'm going to need gun, lots of gun.

 

Charity turns and sees Amor and Charlotte. She grins an evil grin.

 

CHARITY
Amor Blackman, we meet again.

 

 

CHARLOTTE
You've met?

 

 

AMOR
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

 

 

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young AMOR is sitting in a park listening to some classical music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees CHARITY. She takes off her headphones.

 

CHARITY
Would you like some toffee?

 

AMOR's eyes light up, but then he studies CHARITY more closely, and looks uneasy.

 

AMOR
I don't know, you look kind of rude.

 

 

CHARITY
Me? No. I'm not rude. I'm the least rude Witch in the world.

 

 

AMOR
Wait, you're a Witch?

 

AMOR runs away, screaming.

 

EXT. A BOOK SHOP - PRESENT DAY

 

CHARITY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

 

 

CHARLOTTE
(To AMOR) You ran away?

 

 

AMOR
(To CHARLOTTE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

 

AMOR turns to CHARITY.

 

AMOR
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

 

AMOR runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

 

AMOR
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with gun.

 

 

CHARITY
I'm not scared of you.

 

 

AMOR
You should be.

 

 

INT. A SMALL CAFE - LATER THAT DAY

AMOR and CHARLOTTE walk around searching for something.

 

AMOR
I feel sure I left my gun somewhere around here.

 

 

CHARLOTTE
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly gun.

 

 

AMOR
You know nothing Charlotte Willis.

 

 

CHARLOTTE
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

 

Suddenly, CHARITY appears, holding a pair of gun.

 

CHARITY
Looking for something?

 

 

CHARLOTTE
Crikey, Amor, she's got your gun.

 

 

AMOR
Tell me something I don't already know!

 

 

CHARLOTTE
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

 

 

AMOR
I know that already!

 

 

CHARLOTTE
you're my mirror self.

 

 

CHARITY
(appalled) Dude!

 

While CHARITY is looking at CHARLOTTE with disgust, AMOR lunges forward and grabs her deadly gun. He wields them, triumphantly.

 

AMOR
Prepare to die, you rude sprout!

 

 

CHARITY
No please! All I did was kill a bunch of Regulars at the cafe!

 

ARCHER enters, unseen by any of the others.

 

AMOR
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those Regulars at the cafe were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Amor Blackman defender of innocent Regulars at the cafe.

 

 

CHARITY
Don't hurt me! Please!

 

 

AMOR
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these gun on you right away!

 

 

CHARITY
Because Amor, I am your mother.

 

AMOR looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

 

AMOR
No you're not!

 

 

CHARITY
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

 

CHARITY tries to grab the gun but AMOR dodges out of the way.

 

AMOR
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

 

Unexpectedly, CHARITY slumps to the ground.

 

CHARLOTTE
Did she just faint?

 

 

AMOR
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly gun.

 

AMOR crouches over CHARITY's body.

 

CHARLOTTE
Be careful, Amor. It could be a trick.

 

 

AMOR
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Charity Gump is dead!

 

 

AMOR
What?

 

 

AMOR
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

 

CHARLOTTE claps her hands.

 

CHARLOTTE
So your gun did save the day, after all.

 

ARCHER steps forward.

 

ARCHER
Is it true? Did you kill the rude Witch?

 

 

AMOR
Archer how long have you been...?

 

ARCHER puts her arm around AMOR.

 

ARCHER
Long enough.

 

 

AMOR
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Charity Gump.

 

 

ARCHER
Then the Regulars at the cafe are safe?

 

 

AMOR
It does seem that way!

 

A crowd of vulnerable Regulars at the cafe enter, looking relived.

 

ARCHER
You are their hero.

 

The Regulars at the cafe bow to AMOR.

 

AMOR
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Charity Gump will never kill Regulars at the cafe ever again, is enough for me.

 

 

ARCHER
You are humble as well as brave!

 

One of the Regulars at the cafe passes AMOR a magic necklace

 

ARCHER
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

 

 

AMOR
I couldn't possibly.

 

Pause.

 

AMOR
Well, if you insist.

 

AMOR takes the necklace.

 

AMOR
Thank you.

 

The Regulars at the cafe bow their heads once more, and leave.

AMOR turns to ARCHER.

 

AMOR
Does this mean you want me back?

 

 

ARCHER
Oh, Amor, of course I want you back!

 

AMOR smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

 

AMOR
Well you can't have me.

 

 

ARCHER
WHAT?

 

 

AMOR
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a Witch to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

 

 

ARCHER
But...

 

 

AMOR
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Charlotte.

 

CHARLOTTE grins.

 

ARCHER
But...

 

 

CHARLOTTE
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

 

 

ARCHER
Amor?

 

 

AMOR
I'm sorry Archer, but I think you should skidaddle.

 

ARCHER leaves.

CHARLOTTE turns to AMOR.

 

CHARLOTTE
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

 

 

AMOR
Of course you are!

 

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly CHARLOTTE stops.

 

CHARLOTTE
When I said you're my mirror self, you know I was just trying to distract the Witch don't you?

 

 

THE END

Cold-blooded Zombie

 

INT. A SWEET SHOP - AFTERNOON

Articulate scout DR MATTHEW GLOOP is arguing with articulate hairdresser MRS CHLOE BUTTERSCOTCH. MATTHEW tries to hug CHLOE but she shakes him off.

 

MATTHEW
Please Chloe, don't leave me.

 

 

CHLOE
I'm sorry Matthew, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

 

 

MATTHEW
I am such a person!

 

CHLOE frowns.

 

CHLOE
I'm sorry, Matthew. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

 

CHLOE leaves.

MATTHEW sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, down to earth gardener MR TONY RANDALL barges in looking flustered.

 

MATTHEW
Goodness, Tony! Is everything okay?

 

 

TONY
I'm afraid not.

 

 

MATTHEW
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

 

 

TONY
It's ... a zombie ... I saw an evil zombie burgle a bunch of swimmers!

 

 

MATTHEW
Defenseless swimmers?

 

 

TONY
Yes, defenseless swimmers!

 

 

MATTHEW
Bloomin' heck, Tony! We've got to do something.

 

 

TONY
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

 

 

MATTHEW
You can start by telling me where this happened.

 

 

TONY
I was...

 

TONY fans himself and begins to wheeze.

 

MATTHEW
Focus Tony, focus! Where did it happen?

 

 

TONY
Sydney Opera House! That's right - Sydney Opera House!

 

MATTHEW springs up and begins to run.

 

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

MATTHEW rushes along the street, followed by TONY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

 

INT. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE - SHORTLY AFTER

FOREST PARKER a cold-blooded zombie terrorises two swimmers.

MATTHEW, closely followed by TONY, rushes towards FOREST, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

 

TONY
What is is? What's the matter?

 

 

MATTHEW
That's not just any old zombie, that's Forest Parker!

 

 

TONY
Who's Forest Parker?

 

 

MATTHEW
Who's Forest Parker? Who's Forest Parker? Only the most cold-blooded zombie in the universe!

 

 

TONY
Blinkin' knickers, Matthew! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cold-blooded zombie in the universe!

 

 

MATTHEW
You can say that again.

 

 

TONY
Blinkin' knickers, Matthew! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most cold-blooded zombie in the universe!

 

 

MATTHEW
I'm going to need candlesticks, lots of candlesticks.

 

Forest turns and sees Matthew and Tony. He grins an evil grin.

 

FOREST
Matthew Gloop, we meet again.

 

 

TONY
You've met?

 

 

MATTHEW
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

 

 

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young MATTHEW is sitting in a park listening to some flute music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees FOREST. He takes off his headphones.

 

FOREST
Would you like some white mice?

 

MATTHEW's eyes light up, but then he studies FOREST more closely, and looks uneasy.

 

MATTHEW
I don't know, you look kind of cold-blooded.

 

 

FOREST
Me? No. I'm not cold-blooded. I'm the least cold-blooded zombie in the world.

 

 

MATTHEW
Wait, you're a zombie?

 

MATTHEW runs away, screaming.

 

INT. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE - PRESENT DAY

 

FOREST
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

 

 

TONY
(To MATTHEW) You ran away?

 

 

MATTHEW
(To TONY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

 

MATTHEW turns to FOREST.

 

MATTHEW
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

 

MATTHEW runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

 

MATTHEW
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with candlesticks.

 

 

FOREST
I'm not scared of you.

 

 

MATTHEW
You should be.

 

 

EXT. A GREASY DINER - LATER THAT DAY

MATTHEW and TONY walk around searching for something.

 

MATTHEW
I feel sure I left my candlesticks somewhere around here.

 

 

TONY
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly candlesticks.

 

 

MATTHEW
You know nothing Tony Randall.

 

 

TONY
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

 

Suddenly, FOREST appears, holding a pair of candlesticks.

 

FOREST
Looking for something?

 

 

TONY
Crikey, Matthew, he's got your candlesticks.

 

 

MATTHEW
Tell me something I don't already know!

 

 

TONY
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

 

 

MATTHEW
I know that already!

 

 

TONY
I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed.

 

 

FOREST
(appalled) Dude!

 

While FOREST is looking at TONY with disgust, MATTHEW lunges forward and grabs his deadly candlesticks. He wields them, triumphantly.

 

MATTHEW
Prepare to die, you cold-blooded courgette!

 

 

FOREST
No please! All I did was burgle a bunch of swimmers!

 

CHLOE enters, unseen by any of the others.

 

MATTHEW
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those swimmers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Matthew Gloop defender of innocent swimmers.

 

 

FOREST
Don't hurt me! Please!

 

 

MATTHEW
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these candlesticks on you right away!

 

 

FOREST
Because Matthew, I am your father.

 

MATTHEW looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

 

MATTHEW
No you're not!

 

 

FOREST
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

 

FOREST tries to grab the candlesticks but MATTHEW dodges out of the way.

 

MATTHEW
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

 

Unexpectedly, FOREST slumps to the ground.

 

TONY
Did he just faint?

 

 

MATTHEW
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly candlesticks.

 

MATTHEW crouches over FOREST's body.

 

TONY
Be careful, Matthew. It could be a trick.

 

 

MATTHEW
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Forest Parker is dead!

 

 

MATTHEW
What?

 

 

MATTHEW
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

 

TONY claps his hands.

 

TONY
So your candlesticks did save the day, after all.

 

CHLOE steps forward.

 

CHLOE
Is it true? Did you kill the cold-blooded zombie?

 

 

MATTHEW
Chloe how long have you been...?

 

CHLOE puts her arm around MATTHEW.

 

CHLOE
Long enough.

 

 

MATTHEW
Then you saw it