The First Sight; Feelings - Aruha Arif (13 ebook reader .TXT) 📗

Power of thousand stars have had circled in there, in me. And now that was here, outside me, in front of me, blurred.

In a valve of tears, I didn’t know if I was happy or sad. But I knew that tiny picture in front of me was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, I’ll ever see. And I couldn’t see that tiny picture in my valve of tears. So, I didn’t know if I was happy that I was seeing such a beautiful miracle or I was sad because I couldn’t see it clearly. And that was my very first encounter with her.

I wanted to grasp her, hold her to my chest; the chest that was yearning. But as soon as I tried to pull my self up, I felt weak that it was like I will stop breathing any second now.

Big tears started falling off my eyes onto my cheek, because more than breathing I wanted to hold her, once. Just once.

Someone I knew I love touched my shoulder slightly, leaning in and then I felt his fingers caressing my left cheek as if wiping off my tears. His hand then moved to my right cheek and then I experienced a beautiful, soft feeling; his breath. I felt his breath lingering slowly near my left ear as if he was afraid he would hurt me. My lips instinctively twitched into a smile. I felt my muscles relax and then I got to know that for so long I was keeping them contracted.

My eyes were much clearer now; I could see again that picture. And this time it was clear. A man, dressed in almost white was holding her. She was small, very much small. She was streaked in red, in blood. And she was sobbing with her eyes tightly closed. My lips flushed a smile again.

I was happy that I was blessed with a daughter. I was happy as I was blessed with so much.

The man dressed in white brought her near me, as if he had listened my heart’s yearning. As she was near enough, I lifted my hand up slowly with all the strength I had in me and cupped her cheek with my fingers. Her cheek was soft and fragile. And it was one of the best moments ever. Small tears blushed down my cheeks leisurely, this time making me smile brightly.

Power of thousand stars have had circled in there, in me. And then that was there, outside me, in front of me, but now that power was in me and in her too.

She was beautiful more than I thought she would be, more than I thought she could be.

I wanted to stand up, take her into my arms and dance in the bloomy garden, but I couldn’t. I wanted to sit on bed with her in my arms and watch her for hours and hours. I wanted to set her crib and lay her in there and talk with my love about her all my life. I wanted to bathe her and change her clothes every second. I wanted to keep taking picture of her, capture her every single move.

But as I couldn’t do all this at that moment, I wanted to keep cupping her cheek with my hand and stare at her.

But I couldn’t do that because I was weak even for this. That I realized when my hand started to fall off. My tears again found there way.

I saw a woman moving towards me, with an injection. I knew this was a sedative which will make me sleep for a lot of hours and in that time I would be unable to see my daughter, unable to even think of my daughter. And suddenly I wanted to scream because I never wanted to sleep at such time. I wanted to scream because I never wanted to stop thinking of my daughter, even for a minute. I wanted to scream because so much was hunched up on my mind. But I couldn’t scream. I felt weak.

I wanted to scream because I was feeling weak. I wanted to scream because I couldn’t do what I wanted to do.

It didn’t hurt. It was like someone have itched a small sharp edge in my arm. All the feelings and my thoughts started to vanish away, right then. And my mind started to go blank. The last feeling I experienced was a breath again, of my love, I had known this breath for over a year now, on my forehead, slightly above my right eyebrow. I felt myself go relax.

I didn’t want to scream anymore. I was not sad anymore. In fact, I felt good and easy and happy.

I went to sleep soon after this knowing that I’ll find my very first baby by my side when I’ll be awake. I smiled once more contented at the thought that soon I’ll be able to do what I wanted to do all this time.

Text: Aruha Arif.
Publication Date: 12-28-2013

All Rights Reserved

Dedication:
To my mother around whom my universe dance.