My Addiction - Anonomyus (ereader for textbooks txt) 📗

Hi my name is Lexxi i'm 16 years old. I am a thick girl with orangish light brown hair, brown eyes, and a big heart.I'm that type of girl who always feels very lonely i diguise my true self with a i don't give a sh*t hard body aditude but that's not really who i am the real me is a lonely,shy,sensitive,low self e.s.t.e.a.m type of person with a big addiction for food. Most of my class mates think i'm just greedy but i can't help it. This all started when I was 5 I used to think I was hungry I would eat up to 5-7 meals a day including midnight meals and 4-5 snacks yeah I know what your thinking how can a little girl eat all that damn food, I really can't answer that but as I grew older it got worse and i went from being really skiny girl to this thick girl my mom started asking me why do I eat so much and my answer for it would always be i'm hungry.The older I got i started to realize that the reason I eat is to cover up feelings from the past like bad realationship, the fact that i didn't have many friends,my self esteam,being bullied, and my realationship with my father. I guess you can say food is/was my best friend. It became my therpy it replaced boyfriends,my father,friends, and just always made me feel better it's because i knew food couldn't cheat on me, the fact it could always be there for me, and that it couldn't leave me. I was still very skinny then untill I reached the age of 11 the food started to catch up to me and i began to get very out of shape and slugish.I started to hate my body and work out but i still couldn't stop i was still eating continuous. It became more and more of a struggle by the time I was 12 I started eating really big "midnight" that were more like meals as soon as my mom and little brother fell asleep I would sneak down stairs and rumble through the cabinets,refigerator,freezer and i would cook or eat what ever i could find i would just eat and eat till i felt sick and then i would just go to brush my teeth then fall right to sleep after. In the morning my mother would go to the kitchen and look for a certain food and it would be gone so she would go to my room and wake me up and ask did I eat it and i would lie to her and say no and she would say whatever and then i would reply can you go i don't feel good and she would say why did you eat all the stuff that's missing and I would say no and she would say umm.. hmmm ok... get up and then she would leave then I would take out the food behind my pillow and eat it. My addiction with food was eating me alive all of a sudden all I thought about was food and what am I going to eat I've began not caring about school just food,sleep,video games that became my life but more food than anything I was now entering the 8th grade being the person I never wanted to be a "bumb" and a "emotional reck" Taking out my anger out on my class mates,my bare minimum of friends,parents,boyfriend and began eating more than usual so much that when I felt hungry even when I was in public I would throw tantrums and or yell or act a fool when I was hungry I just felt like you better go get my food and go get it now. This started ruining my realationship with my mom and my aunts and uncles they started to hate being around me because they felt like they would have to feed me every 5 seconds and I could see where they were coming from but food controled my life food was my life it even started to replace my boyfriend I was consuming the food but somehow the food was consuming me I was losing my life to the food all the times when I wanted to cry i delt with it by eating food just always cheered me up. My mom would try to talk to me but instead of talking to her i would eat and when my mom could tell I was going through something and ask for me do i want to talk to her i would say no and eat. I've never thought you could be addicted to food i thought you could be addicted to drugs. I guess being addicted to food is like being addicted to drugs, food is my drug and it's hard for me to stop. I would always go to my grandmothers house because I felt like she could understand me and plus I knew I could eat as much and plus i'm spoiled i'm a grand momma's girl not a mommy's or a daddy's girl she is the best she always gives me what I want if i asked her to make me a turkey dinner she'll have it done by the drop of a hat. She is also the reason I 've have all the latest laptops and ds's and stuff like that but more importantly she can COOK and she spoils me and loves me and knows everything i've went through plus she gives me all the food i want and any food or anything I want! yeah i know is food the only reason i go over there no but I like the fact that my grandmother over steps my mom because my mom tells me i can't eat certain things or drink certain things like soda. She is my big part of my food addiction when ever my mom won't let me eat what I want I call my grandmother and she picks me up and makes me what ever I want. I never think about what I put into my body if it's good I'll eat anything when i'm hungry accept the nasty(i know some of yall was thinking about that).I know that it's bad but it's hard sometimes I eat till my inside feel like they're going to explode. Today my mom called me a fat ass and told me to work out and i told here to shut up that's a sensetive subject I've tryed and everytime I work out I just eat alot after and also my mom put me on a diet. She gives me very little protions of food and I always ask for more and she says no so as soon as eveyones asleep i go in the food and eat all i feel i need to and then go to bed. Some may think i'm ensecure because of this addiction they say using food to cover up my problems is the most stupidest thingand does nothing for me but to me it does enough.My parents think the same and because I eat so much my parents are getting very strict telling me I have to work out and telling me when I can and can't eat I don't get the point I mean I still sneak and eat whenever, but then again I feel the guilt but my stomach and mind just dosen't know when to stop food is like my therpy my life it's the only thing I can cling to really. It's like ever I try to talk to someone about problems in my life they always say they don't want to hear it or are just too dang judgmental or think you want sympathy when really your just releasing stuff for the better of you. As you should know I've had a very hard life being raised in Broklyn ,NY I've had expirences I'll never forget. I have seen my friends get shot on the block,people get stabbed to death and I've myself have been in abusive home I've been beaten with objects,raped 2 times by an uncle and almost killied. My life is hell I hate living here because theres so much violence you have to be tuff because the violence can happen anytime in any coner of the streets.My father hasn't been in my life much and unlike the other kids I like it this way I think it's the better way to go.Since my mom kicked him out after I told her my uncle which is my dads brother had raped me twice I am kinda of use to not seeing him so when my mom kicked him out it didn't bother me much.

Publication Date: 07-04-2012

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