Interior - KLeenaGirl (finding audrey .TXT) 📗

a long time. Yes, I hadn’t cried since Jared’ death. I couldn’t. But right now, something in me broke and I had to let it all out.
I startled when I felt a pair of arms around my body. ‘What are you doing?’ I choked. ‘Don’t you understand? I killed him, I killed him, I killed my own boyfriend!’ Sebastian’s grip didn’t loose. ‘Jared, Jared!’
I didn’t understand why, but he was rocking me softly, comforting me in the way I needed right now. All the while, he didn’t say anything at all. He just sat there and held me. I inhaled his scent and pressed against his chest. Deep down inside me I knew I didn’t deserve his care and warmth, but in this moment I was selfish. I thought of Jared and the fact that I had almost repeated my mistake. It tasted bitter on my tongue to think about it, but I had to find a way out of this vicious circle. I couldn’t be a danger to my friends anymore. I had to protect them, anyhow.
Carefully I dug my fingers deeper into Bastian’s shirt, as if searching for grip and a resolution to the misery. I could feel his heart beating against mine. It felt good and I felt alive, living. My sobs became quieter and the tension slowly left my body.
Another knock on the door, this time it was a firm one. David found us together sitting in the bed. I pulled away from Sebastian and faced David with tear-strained cheeks and red eyes.
‘Alex’, David looked apologizing, ‘Jack demands to see you. Now.’


Chapter 16


Grabbing my crutches, I hopped off the bed carefully. My leg still hurt, but I was a fast healer. I guessed this was another aspect you could lead back to the demon in me. I took my necklace from the nightstand and put it on. My fingers wandered over its heart-shaped pendant absently and felt confirmed in the decision I had already made for myself. I turned to go, when Sebastian put his hand on my shoulder.
‘Do you really think you should be doing this now?’ he asked worried.
I smiled faintly. ‘Yeah, it’ll be okay.’ Really, the pain and the wound weren’t the worst right now. Oh no, the lecture I would be getting from Jack was. I limped along the corridor to the office of Mr Anderson. Sebastian had followed me.
‘Bastian, stay here’, I said facing him.
‘But he will – ‘, he answered with a concerned glimmer in his eyes.
‘– do what is right.’ I finished for him. ‘Now wait here. It’s my business.’ I added a little bit nicer.
I knocked, entered and left an anxious, upset Sebastian behind. He wanted to protect me, but he had no idea what was about to happen.
Jack sat behind his desk and looked at me sternly. ‘Alexandra’, he started quite collected, ‘we really need to talk.’
‘Yes, Sir’, I replied and sat down, using the proper title to get a little distance.
‘To say I’m angry is quite an understatement, but I’m not here to yell at you.’ I mentally sighed in relief. ‘But don’t think you’re out of the hook, Thompson!’
He stayed silent for a few seconds. I could tell he was trying to decide how this conversation should be going on.
‘You know, Alexandra, I really trust you and I always treated you well, didn’t I?’
‘Yes, Sir’, I spoke loudly enough and determinately, ‘and I’d like to say that I’m very grateful for that.’
‘Though, I have to admit that these incidents are becoming a serious problem’, he continued. ‘I have already given you a little extra credit in this issue with the Beales and their son and still, it didn’t help anything.’
He sighed. ‘Alexandra, what am I supposed to do with you? You’re a great spy, that’s for sure, but the rules that apply to the others apply to you, too. I can’t always make exceptions.’
His speech was more like the projection of his inner turmoil. It was hard for him, I noticed. I looked at him. I knew where this was heading. And yet, I knew he was right. Jack was right in so many ways. I was becoming more and more a danger to my team mates and to myself. Also, it wasn’t fair that I was receiving such a special treatment. After all, I was to hold responsible for my doing.
‘Alex’, he answered now more softly, ‘I don’t fire you. You’re too good to be wasted. Yet, I have to set consequences. Your work will be reduced to office duty. I’m sorry, Alex, but that is all I can give you under these circumstances.’
I sensed other presences in front of the door. Obviously, my co-workers had all gathered up to eavesdrop. It was so totally like them that I almost had to smile.
Mr Anderson watched the door intently for a second, he had realized, too. ‘I know your friends won’t be happy about this, but that’s the decision I have made.’
To be honest, I had expected worse from Jack. He was really sparing me, had David talked to him? Nevertheless, this wasn’t how it was going to be if I had a saying in this, too. Confidence rose within me, when I began to talk. ‘May I say something, Sir?’
He nodded and I kept going. ‘I really appreciate your trust and the second chance you are willing to give me. But I decline.’
Gasps could be heard from the other side of the door. Jack looked shocked, too.
A heavy silence filled the room turning even whispers into screams.
‘Let me explain’, my voice said calmly and quietly, ‘The last mission made me realize how much of a danger I really am. And I don’t want to be a constant threat to the people I love and care about. I thought I would help them with my power, I thought I could do something good for people.’ I swallowed, by now my voice wasn’t more than a whisper. ‘I thought I could be a true spy, but I can’t. I thought I was a good person, but I’m not.’ I shook my head and tears started to well up in my eyes. I knew I did the right thing, even though it was a hard step for me to take. My voice was quivering and almost soundless.
‘I’m not.’
I only breathed the upcoming part.
‘So I quit.’
That was it. My final decision, I hadn’t taken on easy to make.
I had done the right thing.
Jack didn’t move, his mouth hung open and he breathed out my name. ‘Alexandra.’
I didn’t reply. Blinking, I quickly wiped away the evidence of my feelings. I couldn’t allow them to hinder the decision, I had made with rational thinking. This wasn’t about me, this was about what was best for all of us.
I got up and opened the door. All my comrades were standing there looking at me not believing my statement. Everyone was silent as if they didn’t dare to stop me in my tracks. Maria had tears in her eyes and even the colour of the face from the ever-cool Matthew had drained away completely. Sebastian’s eyes stared at me desperately, though their piercing blue wasn’t quite as intensive as usual. I flinched under their gazes. Mixed feelings were rushing through me. Though, I didn’t want to lose it. I pulled myself together and suppressed the lump in my throat. I had been taught how to set emotions aside and now was the moment I had to prove I could to so. Yet, I was still a human being, so it wasn’t easy for me to leave my most loved ones behind.
I let my head hung down and limped away. I could feel their stares tracing my movements, though none of them tried to keep me from going. I was glad they had accepted my decision so well. After all, it was for their own good. My fist closed around my necklace’s pendant.

I had done the right thing.


Chapter 17


It was already twilight, when I arrived at The John Soane Museum. Autumn was coming fast, I realized sadly. Now it was October.
I made my way over to my favourite tree. The tree, Sebastian and I had lain on in that particular night. What I had told him then, was not quite the truth. I hadn’t found this tree by accident, it had been Jared and me, after we had captured a group of terrorists. It had been the night I had fallen in love with Jared. And about year later, I had lain here with Sebastian at my side. Now, isn’t that ironic?
I let my fingers touch the tree’s bark. The rough texture scratched my skin. I felt alive.
After some time, I sat on top of the biggest branch. I had thrown the crutches away, my leg didn’t hurt much. Tilting up my head, I looked at the red-bluish sky. Freedom, it said. Today’s events were still on my mind, just like the memory of Jared was. I closed my eyes and saw the moment he died, the moment I killed him, in front of me. It was the moment that had haunted me so long in form of nightmares. Almost every night.
Jared and me fighting on the ground.
Me pushing him off the edge.
Him saying my name one last time –
before falling down.
My eyes snapped open fast. My breath was laboured just by the memory of his death. I wanted to cry. Even though, I had always displayed a happy mood, within in me I missed Jared so much. I had wanted to be strong after he had died, not for me, but for his comrades and especially for his best friend – Colin.
But right now, it was all too much for me. I had sworn never to be such a danger to anyone again. I had broken my promise. That was what made everything even worse.
There were so many things I had to ask and tell Jared yet. As corny as it sounds, I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He had been the first one who loved me unconditionally, even with the knowledge of my inner demon. He had been the first one to ask about my past and my family, who really bothered how I felt. Deep down I knew he had been my soulmate. And then the worst scenario had taken place. He had died – at my hands.
After his death, I hadn’t had a real relationship. Matthew had tried to comfort me, when I was feeling alone and we ended up screwing each other. However, that wasn’t about love. It was more about tainting the mind in order to forget. Besides, it didn’t last long. Fortunately, Matt and I could stay friends afterwards. We never apologized to each other for what we had done. It was too late to change anything about it, anyway. We rather promised to take care and to look after each other – as friends.
And then, there was Sebastian. With him, I wasn’t quite sure about my feelings. I didn’t want to hurt him, that’s for sure. But I couldn’t say if I loved him. The memories of Jared were still fresh and the fear to regret anything more than friendship was immense. There was something about Sebastian I hadn’t experienced from another person except from Jared. And that was acceptance. Every time I looked into Bastian’s eyes I didn’t see superficialness or doubts, I saw honesty and – love?
I narrowed my eyes as I stared at the bottle in my