Bin To Earth - Matt Woods (android e book reader txt) 📗

looks around, Grunt notices something that strikes him as being quite important. Not only did he look like the majority of the folk here, but he also dressed in a similar way as-well. Kitted in a pair of navy blue jeans and a white polo shirt, Grunt fitted in nicely with the shoppers around him. The fact they were all going about their business and not paying him the slightest bit of attention confirmed to Grunt that wherever this bin had taken him, it looked like he was going to fit in just nicely!

Even so, just like his encounter with the young staff member, Grunt still had work to do when it came to chatting to unsuspecting members of the public! He’d already put the heebie-jeebies up one poor soul today, and he was now about to do the same to the attractive blonde lady heading towards him!

Thinking it was someone he recognised, Grunt moves away from the changing area and heads down the middle aisle.

“Hope you don’t mind me asking.” begins Grunt as the attractive woman stops in her tracks. “But are you an elf by any chance?”

“Am I a what love?” asks the lady, looking a little perplexed.

“An elf.” clarifies Grunt abruptly. “You know, one of the woodland folk, those with eternal life and all that. You must have seen them around.”

The attractive blonde is by now not only a little perplexed but also getting a little frightened!

“I’m not an elf, no.” she replies cautiously, then starts to walk away.

“Oh well, enjoy your day anyway.” replies Grunt politely, oblivious to the woman’s alarm. She continues to walk up the aisle. “If you see any on your travels,” continues Grunt “do let them know I’m around. And don’t forget to mention I’m looking extremely hot now my heads back where it belongs.”

The attractive blonde turns to give Grunt one final glimpse before proceeding at an increasingly rapid pace towards the shops exit!

With a huge grin on his face, Grunt continues to walk around the shop floor.

At this stage Grunt had no real plan of what his next move should be. Here he was, seemingly trapped in a strange land he knew nothing about, and although he felt a little uncertain about it all, it was still a huge adventure to him. It did cross his mind that if time went on and no obvious route home became apparent that he might start to feel a little worried. But he wasn’t going to let minor problems such as how the hell do I get off this strange land and get back home ruin his fun quite yet.

Next, Grunt spots two different changing rooms to those he’d arrived in, so decides to have a quick peek just to see if any floating bins were nestling nicely in the corner. He isn’t unduly surprised to find they are not!

As he heads from the cubicles into the men’s clothing area, Grunt notices a pair of bright yellow Bermuda shorts with a rather fetching pattern of palm trees all over them.

‘They’re nice.’ thinks Grunt, heading towards them. He picks them up to get a closer look.

“Mmm, yes, very nice indeed.” he says quietly to himself. “These are just the ticket. I wonder how much they are.”

Grunt spots what looks to be a price tag attached to the shorts, but as he reads it he realises it makes no sense to him at all. He therefore decides to check the price by asking the person nearest to him. It certainly wasn’t going to bother Grunt that the closest person to him was a child who must have been no more than ten years old!

“Ah, hello there my little hobgoblin look-a-like!” says Grunt, squatting down to reach the child’s eye level. “Would you mind telling me how many Grotas these delightful shorts are please?”

The child stares vacantly at Grunt, who, to his credit, could tell that the poor mite was more than a little wary.

“Now don’t you worry there my little fella.” continues Grunt, giving the boy a friendly pat on the head. “You’ve got absolutely nothing to fear, I promise you. To be fair, if you’d have seen me a few hours ago you’d have had every right to be startled, as you’d have noticed me lugging my head around underneath my armpit. No more of that for me now though. No sirree! It’s right back where it belongs now.” Feeling the need to demonstrate Grunt gives his head a quick tug. “There we are, safe as houses on my shoulders there.” Grunt pauses for a second then continues. “Anyway, how many Grotas do you think these little beauts will be?”

That was it as far as the little boy was concerned. Without further hesitation he runs like the clappers to his parents who’d been busy browsing at trousers in the next aisle, both of them oblivious to their son’s first and very likely last encounter with an ex-headless man!

“Funny lot here.” mutters Grunt quietly, lifting himself up. He pops the shorts back on the shelf and continues to explore the store.

Although there were lots of people milling around, aside from the few Grunt had come into contact with, no-one was paying him the slightest bit of attention. If he hadn’t previously un-nerved that member of staff by talking about floating bins, or panicked the attractive blonde by mistaking her for an elf, or indeed frightened that poor child by talking about his be-headed status, then no-one would have had the first idea that Grunt had quite a secret to tell!

As it is Grunt continues to look innocuous and make an utter fool of himself!

Next to be at the receiving end of Grunts bizarre behaviour are an elderly couple who were heading slowly towards him. As they get closer, Grunt notices a sandwich board just up ahead. The writing on it was quite large, so Grunt was able to clearly see what the board was advertising. As he reads it, Grunt is unable to control his excitement at what he can see. And the poor elderly couple, now just in front of Grunt, bear the brunt of his delight!

“Oh - my - golly - gosh!” says Grunt slowly, as he reads the board. “I don’t believe it. They only go and do tea and scones here!” He starts jumping and down with sheer happiness. “Tea and scones, can you believe it. And with cream and jam as-well!” he squeals.

With the elderly couple now within hugging distance, Grunt throws his stocky arms around them both and gives them a tight squeeze. Shell shocked, they bury their heads unwillingly into Grunts upper chest.

“Can you believe it!” shrieks Grunt, gradually releasing his grip from the bewildered couple. “They do tea and scones. That’s my absolute favourite!”

Now free from his grasp, the couple gaze at one another, then stare bewilderingly back at Grunt, who then opts to puzzle them further by patting them on their heads!

“This is just brilliant!” says Grunt, clearly over the moon with his discovery. He bids the elderly couple a fond farewell and skips happily down the aisle towards the café.

Not for the first time today, Grunt leaves behind fellow human beings clearly baffled at what they’d just experienced. Still in shock the elderly couple head off to find the nearest seats so they can sit down and calm their nerves.

It doesn’t take Grunt long to find the café, the smells of cooked food and the clatter of crockery guiding him to the right place. Although he’d known his reaction towards the elderly couple had been a little exaggerated, Grunt was still overjoyed that he could now indulge himself in his favourite bite to eat. The last time Grunt had enjoyed a good cream tea was around two weeks previously when he’d visited Crusty the Cyclops Cream Tea parlour, along with Skeleton Bob and Ross. Although you couldn’t fault the food in Crustys parlour, you couldn’t help but be on edge every time you spoke, purely because Crusty would get extremely agitated if you mentioned anything to do with sight! Normally a mild mannered Cyclops, if you dared to utter phrases such as ‘I see’, or ‘Look at this’, or indeed anything else remotely vision related, Crusty would have a right old barmy and likely chuck you out of his tea parlour! It did rather put people off visiting, and those that did brave it generally remained silent throughout their meal!

Entering the café, the first thing Grunt notices are the crowds of people, most of whom are queuing for their food and drink. Glancing around at all the different food counters, Grunt eventually clocks the scones which are nicely displayed to his left on pretty cake stands.

Rather than do the right thing which was to grab a tray, pick up his scone, not forgetting his cream and jam of course, and join the queue for hot drinks, Grunt momentarily forgets where he is, so walks straight to the seating area to patiently wait for a vampire waiter!

You could understand why Grunt made a faux-pas here. In every café, restaurant, bar & Tavern on Elzac table service was always a given, with the efficient and hardworking vampires always providing top quality assistance. Rarely would you wait longer than a few minutes before a vampire swooped across and took your order, and then it would be no more than ten minutes before your meals were served. It was a very effective set up, although sadly for Grunt, not a set up reciprocated on earth!

The seating area was fairly large, nothing like the size of the bar in Comptons Tavern though, but a decent-size nevertheless. The one similarity between this café and Elzacs most popular Tavern were the windows which spanned the full length of the cafe. That’s where the likeness ended though, as the views outside were not soaring dragons and playful goblins and elves, but the tops of buildings and a ropey looking church spire. A little different, Grunt thinks, to the splendor on display back at home!

Spotting a table by the window, Grunt heads over and sits himself down. He looks around the café and again notices how nobody is paying him the blindest bit of attention. Grunt was starting to find this a little odd, probably because he felt so out of place himself. Still, he wasn’t going to grumble, as he knew it would have been far more complicated if the bin had stopped somewhere where the locals had three heads and fourteen pairs of legs! Then, he felt, he probably would have looked a little out of place!

Grunt waits patiently for a vampire to fly to his table. He’d already noticed that the vampire staff appeared thin on the ground today, but just assumed they were out the back washing dishes and preparing more delightful scones!

As he continues to wait, Grunt can’t help but overhear the couple at the next table complaining about their food.

Now, if you and I had been in this situation, we’d probably have pricked up our ears slightly, had a good listen, and then got back on with the rest of our lives!

Not Grunt though! All over the years, Grunt had taken a great deal of pride in his abilities to soothe a potential confrontation, or to a halt a brewing argument. He would do this by interrupting the disputing parties and would then give his own take on how he felt the squabble should be resolved. More often than not, by