Drowning - Juniper Lee (fiction book recommendations .txt) 📗

Original Story

The girls sat in a circle on the floor. Their freshly painted nails and crazy makeup were signs of the beginning of their sleepover. As they took turns asking each other questions, dusk crept in, and nighttime quickly followed. Cameron shivered from the cold, and from a sudden sense of dread.
"Would you rather," Kelly began, "eat 40 worms or 10 cockroaches?"
"Ughhh!" the rest of the girls squealed in unison.
Then, Sherry, who was next in line, answered, "40 worms, because I wouldn't have to chew them, only swallow."
Some of the other girls voiced their opinions, but Terri hushed them.
"It's my turn to ask now," she said, turning her attention to Cameron. "Would you rather die being burnt alive by fire or submerged in ice and frozen?"
"Oh. That's a hard one..." Cameron said, letting her voice trail off. Somehow, she didn't think the question was on the same level as the other questions that had been asked.
Cameron thought it over for a long time. Her worst fear was drowning, and in ways, both of her options were very similar to drowning.
Being burnt meant being submerged in fire until your body couldn't function. And much like drowning, part of being burnt alive included lack of oxygen for your body. Freezing to death was slow and almost painless. It was still like drowning though, because you'd know you were dying, yet you'd be helpless, because death surrounded you on all sides.
After quite a while, Cameron decided to go with the lesser of two evils. "Freezing," was all she said.
The game ended soon after Cameron's answer, and she was glad. Her mind was being continually pummeled with images of her own death. While the rest of the girls moved on to telling scary stories, Cameron grabbed her pajamas and walked into the bathroom.
It was around midnight when Cameron stripped and climbed into the shower. She was hoping it would set her mind at ease and allow her to sleep without horrifying death nightmares.
The water beat down on her back, and slowly dragged her fears down the drain. Like a drum, or the pounding of rain, came the crystal clear stream out of the shower. It drove all thoughts from her mind, and relaxed her far more than she thought was possible. Eventually, Cameron's mind was completely empty and she was ready to fall asleep. She didn't even notice that the drain was plugged and that water was pooling rapidly in the bottom of the tub.
She realized that before she stepped out of the blissful warmth, she needed to clean herself. She reached for the soap and began scrubbing herself. Carelessly, she let the soap fall into the tub.
When she went to snatch it in midair , she missed and tumbled into the soapy depths of the water. She didn't even have time to think about drowning.

_________________________________

"Cameron, are you okay?" Sherry asked as shakily, Cameron walked out of the bathroom.
"Yeah....just a little freaked out," Cameron responded through panicked breaths.
"Haha, funny," one of the girls unfeelingly said. "Just shut the lights off and get in bed."
Cameron obeyed. She lied down, and after a lot of tossing and turning, she drifted into a nightmare filled sleep.

_________________________________

"What happened, Doctor?" the nurse from the emergency room asked.
"This young girl rolled over in her sleep and wrapped herself up in her blanket. She suffocated herself," the Doctor replied, pulling the white sheet over Cameron's face.
"It's almost like she drowned, isn't it doctor? she was surrounded on all sides and deprived of oxygen. How terrible."
"Yes, drowned, dead, terrible."



Editing/Comments From Alsam2

It's refreshing to read a story that has been self-edited so well. Flawless punctuation, good paragraphing and dialogue formatting. The writing was very clean. The only things that I could find were pg. 9: "She lied down...(should have been laid) and pg. 12, failed to capitalize an S at the beginning of a sentence. That's it!

The best two sentences: "The water beat down on her back, and slowly dragged her fears down the drain. Like a drum, or the pounding of the rain, came the crystal clear stream of the shower." Very nice use of metaphor. You need more of this, it makes descriptions richer and deeper.

The storyline is good and straightforward, but the ending is weak. An infant might smother in the bedclothes, but it's much harder to believe that someone older would (unless they had help).

Also, the last paragraph and dialogue was not smooth. I think you were trying to get the "oxygen" theme forced back in, plus the doctor's last sentence was awkward: "Yes, drowned, dead, terrible."

Just suggestions: You could get the "oxygen" connection out of the way early on. The game at the beginning could have been "ways to die without oxygen" or similar (drowning, fire, illness/ emphazema, altitude, strangulation, etc.)

Cameron could drown in the shower (you had it all set up for that).

Ending conversation between doctor and nurse:
"So young, how did she die?"
"One of those fluke accidents, she drowned taking a shower."
"My God. In the shower? How tragicic is that. What a nightmare."



New Story(With Changes)

The girls sat in a circle on the floor. Their freshly painted nails and crazy makeup were signs of the beginning of their sleepover. As they took turns asking each other questions, dusk crept in, and nighttime quickly followed. Cameron shivered from the cold, and from a sudden sense of dread.
"Would you rather," Kelly began, "eat 40 worms or 10 cockroaches?"
"Ughhh!" the rest of the girls squealed in unison.
They were practically drunk on fun.
Then, Sherry, who was next in line, answered, "40 worms, because I wouldn't have to chew them, only swallow."
Some of the other girls voiced their opinions, but Terri hushed them.
"It's my turn to ask now," she said, turning her attention to Cameron. None of the girls noticed the malice in her voice, or the evil glare she was giving Cameron. "Would you rather die being burnt alive by fire or submerged in ice and frozen?"
"Oh. That's a hard one..." Cameron said, letting her voice trail off. Somehow, she didn't believe the question was on the same level as the other questions that had been asked.
Cameron thought it over for a long time. Her worst fear was drowning, and in ways, both of her options were very similar to drowning.
Being burnt meant being submerged in fire until your body couldn't function. And much like drowning, part of being burnt alive included lack of oxygen for your body. Freezing to death was slow and almost painless. It was still like drowning though, because you'd know you were dying, yet you'd be helpless, because death surrounded you on all sides.
After quite a while, Cameron decided to go with the lesser of two evils. "Freezing," she said decidedly.
The game ended soon after Cameron's answer, and she was glad. Her mind was being continually pummeled with images of her own death. While the rest of the girls moved on to telling scary stories, Cameron grabbed her pajamas and walked into the bathroom.
It was around midnight when Cameron stripped and climbed into the shower. She was hoping it would set her mind at ease and allow her to sleep without horrifying death nightmares.
The water beat down on her back, and slowly dragged her fears down the drain. Like a drum, or the pounding of rain, came the crystal clear stream out of the shower. It drove all thoughts from her mind, and relaxed her far more than she thought was possible. Eventually, Cameron's mind was completely empty and she was ready to fall asleep. She didn't even notice that the drain was plugged and that water was pooling rapidly in the bottom of the tub.
She realized that before she stepped out of the blissful warmth, she needed to clean herself. She reached for the soap and began scrubbing herself. Carelessly, she let the soap fall into the tub.
When she went to snatch it in midair , she missed and tumbled into the soapy depths of the water. She didn't even have time to think about drowning.

_________________________________

"Cameron, are you okay?" Sherry asked as shakily, Cameron walked out of the bathroom.
"Yeah....just a little freaked out," Cameron responded through panicked breaths.
"Haha, funny," Terri called out, obviously annoyed. "Just shut the lights off and get in bed. No one cares."
Cameron obeyed. She lied down, and after a lot of tossing and turning, she drifted into a nightmare filled sleep.

_________________________________

"What happened, Doctor?" the nurse from the emergency room asked.
"This young girl somehow became entangled in her blanket. She suffocated herself, so cause of death was lack of oxygen," the Doctor replied, pulling the white sheet over Cameron's face.
"It's strange, isn't it doctor. Girls this age don't usually suffocate in the middle of the night, at least not without help."
"Death is always tragic, nurse. And life is a nightmare because of it. But we can't question this any further. What's done is done."

Text: Juniper Lee
Editing: ThoughtfulPuppet
Publication Date: 02-14-2012

All Rights Reserved

Dedication:
To... The first person who reads this story and wants to have it dedicated to them!