Finding the Light - Heather M. Borger (read this if .TXT) 📗

Something crashed to the floor out in the hallway and roused me from my sleep; once again I could hear the beeping and ringing that surrounded me. It had become just another set of sounds that were now normal in my so-called life. 'Damn!' I thought. 'Still here. Stupid hospital racket.'

I opened my eyes and blinked as the bright white fluorescent lights glared back at me. They taunted me. Yes, I was still being held captive in this world.

How much longer would I need to wait until I could see the bright light everyone talked about? You know, the light that means you’re being pulled to a better place. I wanted to hear the angels singing and see the gates of Heaven open before me. I know, I know, I’m expecting a lot to think I’d go straight to Heaven. But I lived a good life. I always tried to help others, I took good care of my family, I made every attempt to always have a bright and positive outlook on life. So, yes, I was expecting to go straight to the Pearly Gates and walk right in! There was only one problem; my family was having trouble saying goodbye. They thought there was still hope for me. I knew better. I could feel the end coming. The thought made me smile. Maybe they were away somewhere discussing that very thing right now. Maybe they finally realized they needed to let go.

I heard the hurried footsteps of my daughter in the hallway and braced myself for her entrance. Maybe I should pretend to be sleeping. As I closed my eyes, the footsteps stopped but instead of feeling the brush of fresh air as she entered, I heard hushed voices talking in the hallway. It angered me. What were they keeping from me now? There was nothing they could say that would change anything. My heart and lungs were weak, not my ears. No, my ears worked perfectly all my life. Didn’t they know I could hear their whispers? Besides, I was perfectly aware of what was coming. It’s not like I was expecting to go back home this time. I huffed like a child and waited for them to enter. If I’d had the energy I would have crossed my arms over my chest to show my disapproval. If there had been enough air in my lungs I would have given them a piece of my mind as soon as they crossed the threshold of the door. As it was, I quietly waited, saving my final precious breaths for words that still needed to be spoken.

As I lay there, I thought back on my life. I was proud of what I had accomplished. My children and grandchildren would be able to talk of me with not only fond memories but pride as well. Only one thing from my life made my heart ache; not something I did but, rather, what I didn’t do. My regrets. Things left undone. Suddenly, it seemed silly to skip out on a vacation with my husband because the kids may call to visit that week. He was gone five years last month and that regret haunted my dreams every night of the past five years. Oh, and there was the time I had the chance to go on a dream vacation to swim with sharks. Of course, everyone was against that but me. I listened to their pleas to stay home, however, and I passed up the chance. To this day, they have no idea how badly I wanted to go. I never allowed them to see the tears I shed over passing up that trip. I guess I lived too much for everyone else and not enough for me. I took a deep breath and began to scan the deepest recesses of my mind. I was looking for other opportunities to make myself happy that I may have passed by.

I was so deep in thought, I never heard them enter. They saw the tears this time.

Rushing to my side, my daughter was the first to speak. “What’s wrong, Mom? Are you okay?”

I nodded. She frowned.

My son wasn’t convinced either. Concerned eyes looked back into mine, begging me to tell them what was so wrong. They probably thought I was scared. That assumption couldn't be farther from the truth.

I reached out a hand to my daughter who took it quickly, without hesitation, and gave it a gentle squeeze. My son quietly took the other.

Looking up at their deep brown eyes, I lost myself for a moment. Then I gathered my courage and spoke. “Don’t worry about me. I’m going to see Daddy soon. He’s been waiting for me a long time.” My daughter choked back a tear, I turned toward my son, “You know how he never liked me to keep him waiting, right?”

They nodded in unison.

With what little strength I could muster, I squeezed both their hands and spoke quietly. “Promise me one thing.” I paused, choosing my words carefully. “Don’t let anyone tell you what’s best for you. Never settle for anything. You are both wonderful people with amazing families. Do what you want, when you want to do it so that when your time is up, you leave this world with no regrets.”

A look of awareness crept onto their faces. I spoke quickly. “Now, now, I’m fine. What’s done is done. But I want you to promise me that. Can you, please?”

They answered in unison, “Yes.”

“Thank you.”

I closed my eyes and saw the light. A smile made the creased lines on my face appear even deeper. There it was at last. Funny how all my life I thought death was my greatest fear when, in reality, it wasn’t the dying part, but the regrets of things left undone that would forever trouble me.

Text: Copyright 2012 Heather M. Borger
Publication Date: 08-07-2012

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