Day in the Life of an Urbanized Redneck - Cornfed (best detective novels of all time .txt) 📗

Dear Diary,

It never fails me. When I go to a new city, I think of what it would be like to live there. I almost moved to NYC one time after work paid for me to live next to Central Park for 6 months. I remember seeing the drummer for Bon Jovi there in the lobby. How can a man so ugly have a woman so pretty?

And now I’m thinking of living in Los Angeles on the beach.

What is it with me? I was raised on a farm by simple-minded country parents. Why do I want so much more? Will I ever be satisfied with just a patch of dirt and a pretty home in Georgia?

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

Jesus is the answer.
Kidding.

Love,
Diary



Day 12 – She’s Back

Dear Diary,

My girlfriend Suzie is moving back in with me. This will be her third time moving into the Playboy Mansion North Atlanta. She made me remove the stripper pole and stage in the living room. The disco ball in the bonus room was on the chopping block also. I refused to get rid of the picture with the red headed topless woman. She didn’t even bring up the deer heads. She knows better.

Maybe three times is a charm? I do love her. But I love doing my own thing as well. Wonder if she is the key to the life I always wanted?

She said the next time she leaves it will be in handcuffs. I guess she means the police. We do have lots of fun at night with handcuffs, so maybe that’s what she means.

Who knows, women are hard to figure out.

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

She means the police.

Love,
Diary


Day 13 – The Illusion of Control

Dear Diary,

The more I think about Suzie moving back in, the more it seems I am not in control of my life. Over the last three years, very strange events have led us away and then back together. The week I was getting ready to move to NYC, she shows up on my doorstep, having moved back into the state after we had a bad break up the year before.

I had already sold my car, got someone to manage the property for rental, and had priced out the movers. And now she shows up…what was I to do? We seem to be connected in so many ways with how the universe works. It seems spiritual. It seems that every time I try to do something different without her, she shows up at the exact moment to prevent it.

Now she’s moving back in and for some reason, I feel okay with it this time. It felt forced before.

The more I think about it, the more it seems that is the story of my life. Life altering decisions have always been blocked and it was only later that I realized why it had been blocked. I would have been miserable.

I think I need to just go with the flow now. I don’t have control, as it’s just an illusion.

Do you know how tough it is to haul a stripper pole and stage off to the dumpster? The next male dumpster visitor will probably think it’s his lucky day.

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

You should have kept it.

Love,
Diary


Day 14 – Back To Work, Sort of

Dear Diary,

One of the luxuries of working from home is that I can quietly tell someone to piss off without a face-to-face confrontation. I can just ignore them for a while. Nobody likes to be ignored, especially control freaks.

And my line of work is nothing but a fast paced moving control freak industry. If people only knew the heart attacks that occur so that they can watch television nightly or see their precious soap operas during the daytime.

I have given up watching television. I cannot bear to endure it anymore.

I have lost that loving feeling.

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

Don’t cast your pearls before swine.

Love,
Diary


Day 15 – Fishing With The Stars

Dear Diary,

I couldn’t help it. I drove down to the farm and went fishing. It was cold but clear skies. I love watching the stars develop as the sun fades over the horizon. There is something peaceful about it. I remembered my friend Keith who taught me how to fish when I was a teenager. I remember his turkey-terd colored truck pulling up in the driveway, poles hanging out the side. We caught over 50 fish that day. It was as if the fish were being fed to us from a bottomless pit.

It’s a shame he died so young. He was single for so long. He used to tell me he wanted to get married, get some tail, and then go fishing the rest of his life. He got married, got some tail, and then died before he could fish his life away.

I hope heaven is full of fish.

I haven’t caught a damned thing all day.

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

Keith says you have always sucked at fishing.

Love,
Diary


Day 16 – Now I Know How Jesus Must Have Felt

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning with kids on my lawn. Apparently I had promised them a cup-cake party. My girlfriend is moving in soon and she doesn’t like kids. Now is the time for a cup-cake party.

It was fun. We made 48 cupcakes and 8 kids showed up. They didn’t like the picture of the girl with big boobs on the wall. The big deer scared them also. One kid found my rifle. Another took my phone. Now I know why there is a Virgin Mary.

They did like Tubby. He chased them and barked until they gave him a cupcake.

Total count: 40 cupcakes eaten, 12 of which was consumed by Tubby. The other 8 were thrown against the fence. Kids like to watching icing stick to wood apparently.

One of the grandmothers came over and ran the kids home. Said she didn’t know me and that it was not proper for kids to be in my house. The 30 pack of PBR beer in the refrigerator didn’t help my case nor did the one in m hand.

Nor did the big boobed woman on the wall. She ignored the picture of Jesus.

Now I know how Jesus must have felt. God, forgive them, they know not what they do.

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

Living alone has its advantages. Kids are not one of them.

Love,
Diary


Day 17 – Rectal Bobsled

Dear Diary,

I have to travel to NYC tomorrow. I always get nervous the day before I travel for work. Ever since I got that panic attack and was hauled off the plane, I have not been the same.

Xanax is helps; three shots of Petra before a flight helps too.

Why does everything feel to be moving very fast? Why does work feel like a constant urge to go to the bathroom break after a night of eating tacos?

Work is a rectal bobsled. There is no way around it. I don’t want to go. I want to stay home.

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

Quit eating tacos; same for your job.

Love,
Diary



Day 18 – I Want To Be A Part Of It

Dear Diary,

New York City is cold yet I like the way the city feels; the activity, the variety of life, the constant movement. I want to be a part of it, at least the first few days I’m here. By weeks end, I’m dreaming of my fire-pit and a cookout. You can’t burn a big fire in the city. Too many fire trucks.

I don’t like being in the office at work when life beckons me to join in. Why does my enjoyment have to occur at night? Afternoon delight anyone? No, I have to put my energy towards the betterment of a company so I can make money.

I will never forget those 6 months living in New York in 2007. I didn’t have to pay for anything since I was working on a contract with an expense account. I didn’t even drink. I walked, ran, worked, and played. Life was simpler then. It’s not so simple anymore.

Maybe it’s me and not life? Maybe I’ve changed? I don’t understand but I am only here for one more day so I will try to enjoy it the best I can. It’s hard to soak up a city like New York in one day, let alone one year.

Suzie moves in the day after I get back. I think I will actually participate in the move and not smoke a cigar on the patio like I did last time. I am so selfish it seems.

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

Stop reliving your glory days. Make new ones.

Love,
Diary


Day 19 – Crown Room Is Not For Kings

Dear Diary,

I am tired of talking to fellow business travelers in the Delta Crown Room. Everyone here is sucked up into the world of business. It’s crowded in here. I cannot even type this without someone looking over at my screen. I need a smaller Mac.

I ran into some friends from my IBM days. They were busy running around, trying to catch a flight. I prefer to take the latest flight possible. It’s the only way I can slow down everyone elses' schedule. Book a late flight, get to the airport early, relax with a drink or four, and talk to people.

Now I’m tired of talking to people. It’s like parrots. They are all saying the same thing and the plumage isn’t much different. I did see the guy from Seinfeld in there, the fat one. I forgot his name. He was sitting across from me and reading a spiritual book. I guess once the juggernaut of success ran it’s course, he is now able to relax.

I don’t know.

The bartender likes to flirt with everyone. She’s funny. My girlfriend is funnier. Priorities mean something now.

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

Don’t talk so much. You annoy them too.

Love,
Diary


Day 20 – I Am Moved By The Movers

Dear Diary,

Suzie moved in today and it was really good fun. After her parents left, we sat down with a big cocktail. I couldn’t see her head on the other side of it the glass was so big. Her parents are fun people. They have more endurance than me and they are in their 70’s. They move around a lot too. The same people who moved her in and out the last 2 times were the same ones moving her in today.

I like Hispanics. I don’t understand them but I have never met a harder working set of people, as a whole. I feel bad about it. I work