Day in the Life of an Urbanized Redneck - Cornfed (best detective novels of all time .txt) 📗

with my brain and they work with their brain and hands. You have to have a high intelligence to speak Spanish and move a washer upstairs at the same time.

I don’t understand how they remain happy in America either. Maybe Mexico is so bad that anything else is good? I admire their ability to live here, drive here, and work here without anyone giving them a hard time. They are not illegal refugees even if Arizona thinks so. Americans should charge less for their work if someone can do it better for half the price.

It was a good day. New beginnings.

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

Begin with the end in mind. Don’t pity others.

Love,
Diary


Day 21 – Dogs and I in Turmoil

Dear Diary,

My routine has been smashed. No more Internet porn at lunch. Can’t just workout when I want to as I am considered selfish if I don’t include her, no matter how different our goals are. I am now on the equivalent of the high fat/zero carb Atkins diet. Pork rinds and sour cream anyone?

Tubby doesn’t understand how to live with another dog either. Can you believe I now have to walk in the back yard and pick up dog poop because it’s not sanitary? What am I supposed to do, woman? Kill all the squirrels and birds so they won’t poop either? Every time Tubby parks his fanny somewhere, either Suzie or myself are close behind with a plastic bag.

I got so tired of picking the poop up, that I put a bunch of lighter fluid on one pile and lit it up with a match. Valuable lesson I learned. Dog poop doesn’t burn.

Tubby is constipated now and scared to poop.

I don’t understand women, but I do understand dogs. They need to be free to poop and admire it the next day.

And since Suzie doesn’t like my dog pacing around the house so much, he’s now on a pill cocktail to “calm his nerves.” 7 PM, he gets cheese, crackers, and 1 mg of Xanax. By 8 PM, he’s sleeping upside down.

“It’s calm and relaxing now” she says.

I’d take alone, somewhat productive, and a bit of chaos to be honest.

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

Xanax isn’t just for nervous dogs. Suzie might need it too.

Love,
Diary


Day 22 – My New Motto

Dear Diary,

I have figured out that until I can be doing what I love, I’m going to drink my way through that which I don’t.

Work has become very fun right now.

Oddly enough, after my firm resolution to put God to the test by drinking myself into a coma or into a new life, 2 other companies are considering me for positions better than the one I have. Two in one day? What are the odds? Go figure. I hope they carry a mini-bar in the office. I’m loving my lunchtime Jack and Cokes.

The only downside to drinking while working is that I have to hit the mute button on conference calls so they won’t hear the ice rattling against the glass. It reminds of that time, early in my career, when I was on a conference call with a big customer while hunting. I shot that deer with my rifle and it rattled the phone to the floorboard of my truck. I still hear about that today…”we thought it was a bomb going off.”

Where I’m from, that’s everyday routine. My dad shot a deer sitting on the toilet. Oh well. I miss Mom, Dad, and homemade casserole.

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

God loves booze too. Loves you more. Hang in there.

Love,
Diary



Day 23 – Yet Another Car

Dear Diary,

It never fails. The minute I backed into Suzie’s car, I realized it was time for her to get a new one. I hate getting anything repaired. I’d rather scrap it up and call it a day. I managed to get a 2011 Honda Element from the dealership up the road. This car is pretty neat…it’s like driving a coffin minus the funeral procession.

We called Honda and told them they could either take her old car, along with the existing loan, or we’d just leave it on the side of the road for the cops to impound. That’s the funny thing about big companies. They don’t want the hassle.

They are going to pick it up tomorrow in the parking lot at Kroger. They don’t want to make house visits. Maybe we were too forceful? Did I mention I like to hunt?

They did mention it would screw her credit up.

That’s fine though. I know how to fix screwed up credit.

It’s call money.

She loves her new car. I plan on getting some sex tonight. Maybe even in the back of the new Element?

Life is pretty damned good.

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

Even accidents are part of the design.

Love,
Diary



Day 24 – They Don’t Make God Like They Used To

Dear Diary,

For some reason, I have thought about Brother Stan from the Baptist Church I grew up in. I don’t know why. His name and face keep running through my head. I can still hear him now…

“Now, careful with that country music you boys listen to. The Devil is in that music.”

I don’t think Garth Brooks would agree but, then again, he did have friends in low places.

I remembered all those summer trips we took, doing mission work for the “cause”, and having some really good times. Brother Stan was the size of a linebacker and was a former banker. He became a Youth Minister because he loved teenagers. Unfortunately, his wife loved another woman and he had to get divorced.

I wish he could have found a way to work that situation to his advantage.

The Baptists church dismissed him of his duties and I have no idea where he is at now. But I hope he’s happy. What a good man, even if he didn’t like country music.

His God was simple; love, acceptance, and happiness.

Who stole that God? They don’t make one like that anymore.

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

God isn’t in a good mood. God is a good mood. Stan did try to work a threesome with his wife’s girlfriend, by the way.

Love,
Diary



Day 25 – Where Two Or More Women Gather

Dear Diary,

Suzie had her friend Lisa over tonight. I learned a long long time ago that what a woman says and what she really thinks are two entirely different things. Often times, it takes two women gathered together for the truth to come out. Over a game of Uno, I found out some things I didn’t want to know.

It didn’t occur to me that this life lesson also holds true for my girlfriend.

I won’t get into details here as it’s material I am scared to write. But, let’s just say, that women hide things. Even a Sunday School teacher has done things that would make most porn stars nod their head with delight.

Seems that my girlfriends’ family owns a bunch of “clubs” in the United States and in other countries. Not normal clubs, mind you. Not “let’s get together and read the Bible” clubs either. Not even dance clubs. No, her family owns “open sex” clubs and resorts for swingers.

I didn’t know what a swinger was until she told me. I thought they were actors at the circus or something.

This does help me out though. It means I cannot tell her about that trip to Moscow a few years back and all the erotically forbidden things I did to the beautiful female population under the guise of a dumb American.

And when I do tell her about it, well, I can smile the entire time, as she cannot say shit!

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

She’s not lying. She’s giving you clues dumb ass.

Love,
Diary




Day 26 – Drinking Ain’t All That Bad

Dear Diary,

I’ll be honest here: I’m putting down some serious quantities of liquor over the last few days. Luckily, there is a cold front moving through Georgia so I don’t feel guilty about not exercising so much. The dogs are not amused however. They sit by my chair and stare at me all day, wondering if they can try a sip of that juicy concoction that keeps me clear headed as I fight the boredom of my job.

Looking back at my career in drinking, I can easily say I’ve done some of my most amazing things with a drink in my hand. I lost my virginity with a Bud Light can in my left hand while my right hand was trying to keep her from falling off the tailgate of my truck. I sold a $550,000 deal from my home while I was taking shots of Crown and talking into the phone. I even painted the outside of my house drunker than most professional painters. Although, I freely admit, the choice of pastel blue for a color didn’t sit well in the subdivision.

I don’t know, I guess I feel guilty about the fact that I don’t feel guilty about drinking right now. I still feel connected with life, others, and myself. What’s so wrong with some medicine while I sort through some of the ever-changing details of my life?

Mom and Dad wouldn’t be proud however.

Neither would Jesus.

Granted, with Jesus, I would have never gotten laid either.

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy. Enjoy. There is a time for everything.

Love,
Diary




Day 27 – Home Shopping Done Right

Dear Diary,

I got a bonus today. They are about three years behind by my clock but I guess it doesn’t matter. It’s time to shop.

The fun thing about shopping is that I can sit on the couch, wearing only ankle socks and a pair of boxers, and buy thousands of dollars of merchandise without doing anything but clicking and typing.

I bought a cool orange and tan couch that reminds me of the TV series “That 70’s Show” along with some cool sliding doors that I can use to keep the dogs from pissing in the dining room. I found a cool picture of a woman, with handcuffs behind her back, for the bedroom.

After that open sex club discovery a few nights ago, Suzie cannot say anything about the painting.

I got some new fishing rods coming in along with a selection of lures that will enable me to catch fish from here to Canada. I managed to find a special on speakers that will let me grill while I listen to country music. Of course, that means I had to buy a grill along with the speakers so I had a reason to be outside and listen to music.

Unfortunately, I cannot buy booze on the Internet.

That’s okay though. They will deliver if you tip them enough.

Love,
Russ


Dear Russ,

You can never complain about