Life's Little Ironies - Thomas Hardy (mini ebook reader .txt) 📗

‘“Ah, to be sure!  What was I thinking of?” said Tony, in a flutter.  “But you seem as if you was staying at your aunt’s?”

‘“No, I am not,” she said.  “Don’t you see I have my bonnet and jacket on?  I have only called to see her on my way home.  How can you be so stupid, Tony?”

‘“In that case—ah—of course you must come along wi’ me,” says Tony, feeling a dim sort of sweat rising up inside his clothes.  And he reined in the horse, and waited till she’d come downstairs, and then helped her up beside him.  He drove on again, his face as long as a face that was a round one by nature well could be.

‘Hannah looked round sideways into his eyes.  “This is nice, isn’t it, Tony?” she says.  “I like riding with you.”

‘Tony looked back into her eyes.  “And I with you,” he said after a while.  In short, having considered her, he warmed up, and the more he looked at her the more he liked her, till he couldn’t for the life of him think why he had ever said a word about marriage to Milly or Unity while Hannah Jolliver was in question.  So they sat a little closer and closer, their feet upon the foot-board and their shoulders touching, and Tony thought over and over again how handsome Hannah was.  He spoke tenderer and tenderer, and called her “dear Hannah” in a whisper at last.

‘“You’ve settled it with Milly by this time, I suppose,” said she.

‘“N-no, not exactly.”

‘“What?  How low you talk, Tony.”

‘“Yes—I’ve a kind of hoarseness.  I said, not exactly.”

‘“I suppose you mean to?”

‘“Well, as to that—”  His eyes rested on her face, and hers on his.  He wondered how he could have been such a fool as not to follow up Hannah.  “My sweet Hannah!” he bursts out, taking her hand, not being really able to help it, and forgetting Milly and Unity, and all the world besides.  “Settled it?  I don’t think I have!”

‘“Hark!” says Hannah.

‘“What?” says Tony, letting go her hand.

‘“Surely I heard a sort of little screaming squeak under those sacks?  Why, you’ve been carrying corn, and there’s mice in this waggon, I declare!”  She began to haul up the tails of her gown.

‘“Oh no; ’tis the axle,” said Tony in an assuring way.  “It do go like that sometimes in dry weather.”

‘“Perhaps it was . . . Well, now, to be quite honest, dear Tony, do you like her better than me?  Because—because, although I’ve held off so independent, I’ll own at last that I do like ’ee, Tony, to tell the truth; and I wouldn’t say no if you asked me—you know what.”

‘Tony was so won over by this pretty offering mood of a girl who had been quite the reverse (Hannah had a backward way with her at times, if you can mind) that he just glanced behind, and then whispered very soft, “I haven’t quite promised her, and I think I can get out of it, and ask you that question you speak of.”

‘“Throw over Milly?—all to marry me!  How delightful!” broke out Hannah, quite loud, clapping her hands.

‘At this there was a real squeak—an angry, spiteful squeak, and afterward a long moan, as if something had broke its heart, and a movement of the empty sacks.

‘“Something’s there!” said Hannah, starting up.

‘“It’s nothing, really,” says Tony in a soothing voice, and praying inwardly for a way out of this.  “I wouldn’t tell ’ee at first, because I wouldn’t frighten ’ee.  But, Hannah, I’ve really a couple of ferrets in a bag under there, for rabbiting, and they quarrel sometimes.  I don’t wish it knowed, as ’twould be called poaching.  Oh, they can’t get out, bless ye—you are quite safe!  And—and—what a fine day it is, isn’t it, Hannah, for this time of year?  Be you going to market next Saturday?  How is your aunt now?”  And so on, says Tony, to keep her from talking any more about love in Milly’s hearing.

‘But he found his work cut out for him, and wondering again how he should get out of this ticklish business, he looked about for a chance.  Nearing home he saw his father in a field not far off, holding up his hand as if he wished to speak to Tony.

‘“Would you mind taking the reins a moment, Hannah,” he said, much relieved, “while I go and find out what father wants?”

‘She consented, and away he hastened into the field, only too glad to get breathing time.  He found that his father was looking at him with rather a stern eye.

‘“Come, come, Tony,” says old Mr. Kytes, as soon as his son was alongside him, “this won’t do, you know.”

‘“What?” says Tony.

‘“Why, if you mean to marry Milly Richards, do it, and there’s an end o’t.  But don’t go driving about the country with Jolliver’s daughter and making a scandal.  I won’t have such things done.”

‘“I only asked her—that is, she asked me, to ride home.”

‘“She?  Why, now, if it had been Milly, ’twould have been quite proper; but you and Hannah Jolliver going about by yourselves—”

‘“Milly’s there too, father.”

‘“Milly?  Where?”

‘“Under the corn-sacks!  Yes, the truth is, father, I’ve got rather into a nunny-watch, I’m afeard!  Unity Sallet is there too—yes, at the other end, under the tarpaulin.  All three are in that waggon, and what to do with ’em I know no more than the dead!  The best plan is, as I’m thinking, to speak out loud and plain to one of ’em before the rest, and that will settle it; not but what ’twill cause ’em to kick up a bit of a miff, for certain.  Now which would you marry, father, if you was in my place?”

‘“Whichever of ’em did not ask to ride with thee.”

‘“That was Milly, I’m bound to say, as she only mounted by my invitation.  But Milly—”

“Then stick to Milly, she’s the best . . . But look at that!”

‘His father pointed toward the waggon.  “She can’t hold that horse in.  You shouldn’t have left the reins in her hands.  Run on and take the horse’s head, or there’ll be some accident to them maids!”

‘Tony’s horse, in fact, in spite of Hannah’s tugging at the reins, had started on his way at a brisk walking pace, being very anxious to get back to the stable, for he had had a long day out.  Without another word Tony rushed away from his father to overtake the horse.

‘Now of all things that could have happened to wean him from Milly there was nothing so powerful as his father’s recommending her.  No; it could not be Milly, after all.  Hannah must be the one, since he could not marry all three.  This he thought while running after the waggon.  But queer things were happening inside it.

‘It was, of course, Milly who had screamed under the sack-bags, being obliged to let off her bitter rage and shame in that way at what Tony was saying, and never daring to show, for very pride and dread o’ being laughed at, that she was in hiding.  She became more and more restless, and in twisting herself about, what did she see but another woman’s foot and white stocking close to her head.  It quite frightened her, not knowing that Unity Sallet was in the waggon likewise.  But after the fright was over she determined to get to the bottom of all this, and she crept and crept along the bed of the waggon, under the tarpaulin, like a snake, when lo and behold she came face to face with Unity.

‘“Well, if this isn’t disgraceful!” says Milly in a raging whisper to Unity.

‘“’Tis,” says Unity, “to see you hiding in a young man’s waggon like this, and no great character belonging to either of ye!”

‘“Mind what you are saying!” replied Milly, getting louder.  “I am engaged to be married to him, and haven’t I a right to be here?  What right have you, I should like to know?  What has he been promising you?  A pretty lot of nonsense, I expect!  But what Tony says to other women is all mere wind, and no concern to me!”

‘“Don’t you be too sure!” says Unity.  “He’s going to have Hannah, and not you, nor me either; I could hear that.”

‘Now at these strange voices sounding from under the cloth Hannah was thunderstruck a’most into a swound; and it was just at this time that the horse moved on.  Hannah tugged away wildly, not knowing what she was doing; and as the quarrel rose louder and louder Hannah got so horrified that she let go the reins altogether.  The horse went on at his own pace, and coming to the corner where we turn round to drop down the hill to Lower Longpuddle he turned too quick, the off wheels went up the bank, the waggon rose sideways till it was quite on edge upon the near axles, and out rolled the three maidens into the road in a heap.

‘When Tony came up, frightened and breathless, he was relieved enough to see that neither of his darlings was hurt, beyond a few scratches from the brambles of the hedge.  But he was rather alarmed when he heard how they were going on at one another.

‘“Don’t ye quarrel, my dears—don’t ye!” says he, taking off his hat out of respect to ’em.  And then he would have kissed them all round, as fair and square as a man could, but they were in too much of a taking to let him, and screeched and sobbed till they was quite spent.

‘“Now I’ll speak out honest, because I ought to,” says Tony, as soon as he could get heard.  “And this is the truth,” says he.  “I’ve asked Hannah to be mine, and she is willing, and we are going to put up the banns next—”

‘Tony had not noticed that Hannah’s father was coming up behind, nor had he noticed that Hannah’s face was beginning to bleed from the scratch of a bramble.  Hannah had seen her father, and had run to him, crying worse than ever.

‘“My daughter is not willing, sir!” says Mr. Jolliver hot and strong.  “Be you willing, Hannah?  I ask ye to have spirit enough to refuse him, if yer virtue is left to ’ee and you run no risk?”

‘“She’s as sound as a bell for me, that I’ll swear!” says Tony, flaring up.  “And so’s the others, come to that, though you may think it an onusual thing in me!”

‘“I have spirit, and I do refuse him!” says Hannah, partly because her father was there, and partly, too, in a tantrum because of the discovery, and the scratch on her face.  “Little did I think when I was so soft with him just now that I was talking to such a false deceiver!”

‘“What, you won’t have me, Hannah?” says Tony, his jaw hanging down like a dead man’s.

‘“Never—I would sooner marry no—nobody at all!” she gasped out, though with her heart in her throat, for she would not have refused Tony if he had asked her quietly, and her father had not been there, and her face had not been scratched by the bramble.  And having said that, away she walked upon her father’s arm, thinking and hoping he would ask her again.

‘Tony didn’t know what to say next.  Milly was sobbing her heart out; but as his father had strongly recommended her he couldn’t feel inclined that way.  So he turned to Unity.

‘“Well, will you, Unity dear, be mine?” he says.

‘“Take her leavings?  Not I!” says Unity.  “I’d scorn it!”  And away walks Unity Sallet likewise, though she looked back when she’d gone some way, to see if he was following her.

‘So there at last were left Milly and Tony by themselves, she crying in watery streams, and Tony looking like a tree struck by lightning.

‘“Well, Milly,” he says at last, going up to her, “it do seem as if fate