Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, June 20, 1917 - Mr. Various (bill gates best books TXT) 📗

stolen," I say, "from

your stall if you leave it."

 

"I'll leave you in charge."

 

"I'm needed down my beat," I reply, and stalk on instantly, leaving a

sadly disillusioned man behind me.

 

I reach a queue outside a grocer's shop.

 

"There now," says a stout lady, "give 'er in charge."

 

The queue all speak at once.

 

"She's a 'oarder, she is. Got 'arf-a-pound o' sugar already in 'er

basket and only 'erself and 'er 'usband at 'ome, while I got five

kids."

 

A lady down the queue caps this with seven kids, and in the distance a

lady in a fur cap claims ten, and is at once engaged by her neighbours

in a bitter controversy as to whether three in France should count in

sugar buying.

 

All the time the hoarder stands with nose in the air, the picture of

lofty indifference.

 

Tact--tact--I remember the Inspector's advice.

 

"Excuse me, Madam," I say, "but in these times we all have to make

sacrifices. You already have sugar. Some of your friends have none.

Under the circumstances--"

 

Slowly the lady turns a withering eye on me. "I'll move nowhere no'ow

for nobody."

 

A lady in the background suggests that the female should be boiled in

a sugar-sack. A more humane person expresses the hope that she will be

bombed that night.

 

"But, Madam, consider your friends," I proceed.

 

"Don't you call that lot my friends! I'm 'ere fer a pound of marge,

and get it I will if all the bloomin' speshuls come 'oo 're doin'

reglar coppers outer jobs."

 

Public opinion in the queue takes a sudden turn. One lady remarks that

these speshuls are that interfering. Another alleges that she has no

doubt I have sacks of sugar at home.

 

I remember the Inspector's counsel about moving on, and move myself

on.

 

There is one man in England who proclaims himself absolutely unfitted

to fill the Food-Controller's position.

 

I am that modest person.

 

   

Broody.

 

   "WHIST DRIVE.--A sitting of eggs was given by Mrs. ---- for the

   lady or gentleman sitting the greatest number of times

   consecutively."--_Worcester Daily Times._

 

       *       *       *       *       *

 

   "In Captain ----'s boat all the men survived, although full of

   water."--_New Zealand Paper._

 

In the interests of temperance we protest against "although."

 

       *       *       *       *       *

 

   "RUSSIAN TROOPS MUTINY.

 

   Petrograd, Saturday.

 

   The Minister of War has given orders to disband the regiments, and

   to bring the officers and men responsible before a court-marital."

   _East Anglian Daily Times._

 

That's right. Let their wives talk to them.

 

=OPEN WARFARE.= Men said, "At last! at last the open battle!

   Now shall we fight unfettered o'er the plain,

No more in catacombs be cooped like cattle,

   Nor travel always in a devious drain!"

They were in ecstasies. But I was damping;

   I like a trench, I have no lives to spare;

And in those catacombs, however cramping,

   You did at least know vaguely where you were.

 

Ah, happy days in deep well-ordered alleys,

   Where, after dining, probably with wine,

One felt indifferent to hostile sallies,

   And with a pipe meandered round the line;

You trudged along a trench until it ended;

   It led at least to some familiar spot;

It might not be the place that you'd intended,

   But then you might as well be there as not.

 

But what a wilderness we now inhabit

   Since this confounded "open" strife prevails!

It may be good; I do not wish to crab it,

   But you should hear the language it entails,

Should see this waste of wide uncharted craters

   Where it is vain to seek the companies,

Seeing the shell-holes are as like as taters

   And no one knows where anybody is.

 

Oft in the darkness, palpitant and blowing,

   Have I set out and lost the hang of things,

And ever thought, "Where _can_ the guide be going?"

   But trusted long and rambled on in rings,

For ever climbing up some miry summit,

   And halting there to curse the contrite guide,

For ever then descending like a plummet

   Into a chasm on the other side.

 

Oft have I sat and wept, or sought to study

   With hopeless gaze the uninstructive stars,

Hopeless because the very skies were muddy;

   I only saw a red malicious Mars;

Or pulled my little compass out and pondered,

   And set it sadly on my shrapnel hat,

Which, I suppose, was why the needle wandered,

   Only, of course, I never thought of that.

 

And then perhaps some 5.9's start dropping,

   As if there weren't sufficient holes about;

I flounder on, hysterical and sopping,

   And come by chance to where I started out,

And say once more, while I have no objection

To other people going to Berlin,

Give _me_ a trench, a nice revetted section,

And let me stay there till the Bosch gives in!

 

       *       *       *       *       *

 

=A Judge Speaks Out.=

 

   "Regarding the assertions that the appellant introduced politics

   into his sermons, it would be a bad day for this country when in

   a political controversy when a clergyman could conceive cases in

   which some high ideal was involved in a political controversy

   when a clergyman could honestly and reasonably preach about

   it."--_Yorkshire Post._

 

We have always felt that something like this needed saying.

 

       =ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.=

 

_Monday, June 11th_.--I am told that it was WILLIE REDMOND'S ambition

to be the Father of the House; indeed, that by some arithmetical

process peculiar to himself be claimed, although only elected in 1883,

to be already entitled to that venerable honour.

 

In reality he was the Eternal Boy, from the far-off time when it was

his nightly delight with youthful exuberance to cheek Mr. Speaker

BRAND until the moment of his glorious death in Flanders, whither he

had gone at an age when most of his compeers were content to play the

critic in a snug corner of the smoking-room.

 

Personal affection combined with admiration for his gallantry to

inspire the speeches in which the PRIME MINISTER, Mr. ASQUITH and Sir

EDWARD CARSON enshrined the most remarkable tribute ever paid to a

private Member.

 

Sir GEORGE GREENWOOD'S affection for the animal creation is commonly

supposed to be such that he would not countenance the slaughter of the

meanest thing that crawls--not even those miserable creatures who hold

that SHAKSPEARE'S plays were written by SHAKSPEARE. It was therefore

with pained regret that I heard him attempting to support his

objection to the activities of sparrow-clubs by the argument that,

if the birds were destroyed, large numbers of grubs and caterpillars

would be left alive. After this I shall not be surprised to hear that

he has been summoned by the R.S.P.C.A. for brutality to a slug.

 

What I most admire in the CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND is his wonderful

self-restraint. When Mr. GINNELL stridently inquired whether to

institute legal process against the police in Ireland was not like

bringing an action against Satan in hell, the ordinary man would

have been tempted to reply: "The hon. Member probably has sources of

information not accessible to me." Mr. DUKE contented himself

with mildly suggesting that the hon. Member should "apply his own

intelligence to that matter." Perhaps, however, he meant much the same

thing.

 

 

Half the sitting was taken up with discussing whether Messrs. JOWETT

and RAMSAY MACDONALD should be given passports to Russia. Mr. BONAR

LAW clinched the matter by saying that the Russian Government wanted

them. Well, _de gustibus_, etc.

 

_Tuesday, June 12th_.--Perhaps the most wonderful revelation of the

War has been the adaptability of the British working-man. Mr. CATHCART

WASON called attention to the case of a professional gardener who,

having been recruited for home service, had first been turned into a

bricklayer's assistant, then into an assistant-dresser, and finally

into a munition-maker. For some time the Ministry of Munitions

seems to have been loth to part with the services of this Admirable

Crichton, but having learned from the Board of Agriculture that there

was a shortage of food it has now consented to restore him to his

original vocation.

 

It will be a thousand pities if Captain BATHURST should persist in

leaving the department of the FOOD-CONTROLLER. If he could only keep

down food-prices as effectively as he does irrelevant questioners he

would be worth his weight in "Bradburys." His latest victim is Mr.

PENNEFATHER, who has developed a keen curiosity on the subject of

potatoes. Did not the Government think that the high price would cause

premature "lifting"? Were they aware that potatoes could be used for

making rubber substitutes and cement; and would they assure the House

that there would be an abundance of them for the next twelve months'?

Captain BATHURST declined to figure in the _rôle_ of prophet, and, for

the rest, remarked that the hon. Member appeared to have an insatiable

appetite for _crambe repetita_. Mr. PENNEFATHER is understood to be

still searching the Encyclopædia to discover the properties of this

vegetable, with the view of putting a few posers on the subject to

Captain BATHURST (or his successor) next week.

 

 

As the friends of Proportional Representation are wont to refer to

their little pet by the affectionate diminutive of "P.R.," they

can hardly be surprised that its appearance should lead to combats

recalling in intensity the palmy days of the Prize Ring. It was

designed that the Front Bench should be content to perform the

function of judicious bottle-holder, and leave the issue to be fought

out by the rest of the House. But Sir F.E. SMITH, like the Irishman

who inquired, "Is this a private fight, or may anyone join in?" could

not refrain from trailing his coat, and quickly found a doughty

opponent in Mr. HAYES FISHER. The House so much enjoyed the unusual

freedom of the fight that it would probably be going on still but for

that spoil-sport, the HOME SECRETARY, who begged Members to come to a

decision. By 149 votes to 141 "P.R." was "down and out."

 

Mr. EUGENE WASON entered an anticipatory protest against the

possibility that Scotland might be deprived of some of her seventy-two

Members. "I myself," he said, "represent two whole counties,

Clackmannan and Kinross, and I have a bit of Stirling and Perth and

West Fife, and I am told I am to be swept out of existence." Gazing at

his ample proportions the House felt that the Boundary Commissioners

will have their work cut out for them.

 

_Wednesday, June 13th_.--Considering that barely three hours before

the House met the "Fort of London" had been drenched with the "ghastly

dew of aerial navies" Members showed themselves most uncommon calm.

They exhibited, however, a little extra interest when any prominent

personage entered the House, showing that he at least had escaped the

bombs, and were too busy comparing notes regarding their personal

experiences to ask many Supplementary Questions.

 

Even Mr. BONAR LAW'S announcement that KING CONSTANTINE had abdicated

the throne of Greece passed almost without remark; except that Mr.

SWIFT MACNEILL anxiously inquired whether TINO, having received the

Order of the Boot, would be allowed to retain that of the Bath.

 

The mystery of Lord NORTHCLIFFE'S visit to the United States has been

cleared up. Certain journals, believed to enjoy his confidence, had

described him as "Mr. Balfour's successor." Certain other journals,

whose confidence he does not enjoy, had declined to believe this.

The fact, as stated by Mr. BONAR LAW, is that "it is hoped that Lord

NORTHCLIFFE will be able to carry on the work begun by Mr. BALFOUR

as head of the British Mission in America." He is expected "to

co-ordinate and supervise the work of all the Departmental Missions."

It was interesting to learn that his Lordship "will have the right of

communicating direct with the PRIME MINISTER"--a thing which of course

he has never done before.

 

_Thursday, June 14th_.--Mr. KEATING, having made the remarkable

discovery that the War has injured the prosperity of Irish seaside

resorts, demanded the restoration of excursion trains and season

tickets. Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS stoutly supported the Irish Railway

Executive Committee in its refusal to encourage pleasure-traffic.

His decision received the involuntary support of Mr. MACVEAGH, who

attempted to back up his colleague by the singular argument that the

existing trains in Ireland ran half-empty.

 

The Lords spent the best part of a sunny afternoon in discussing

whether or not the South-Eastern Eailway should be allowed to bolster

up the Charing Cross railway bridge. In vain Lord CURZON, flying in

the face of his Ministerial colleague, the PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF

TRADE, urged the claims of Art; in vain he assured the House that when

WORDSWORTH wrote of the view from Westminster, "Earth has not anything

to show more fair," he was not thinking of that maroon-coloured

monstrosity. The majority of their lordships, understanding that the

proposal had something to do with "strengthening the piers," declined

to reject it.

 

    

We have received a copy of _The Glasgow Weekly Herald_, dated "May 56,

1917." Trust a Scot to make a good thing go as far as possible.

 

       *       *       *       *       *

 

   "Great jubilation prevailed amongst the people at finding the

   children alive,