Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, June 20, 1917 - Mr. Various (bill gates best books TXT) 📗

Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, June 20, 1917

=CHARIVARIA.=

 

 

A man who purchased sandwiches at a railway restaurant and afterwards

threw them into the road was fined five shillings at Grimsby Police

Court last week. His explanation--that he did not know they might

injure the road--was not accepted by the Court.

 

 

We cannot help thinking that too much fuss has been made about trying

to stop Messrs. RAMSAY MACDONALD and JOWETT from leaving England. So

far as we can gather they did not threaten to return to this country

afterwards.

 

      

 

A North of England man, obviously wishing to appear unusual, still

persists in the stupid story that he did not hear the Messines

explosion.

 

 

We can think of no finer example of the humility of true greatness

than KING CONSTANTINE'S decision to abdicate.

 

 

There were forty thousand fewer paupers in 1916 than in 1915,

according to figures recently published. The difference is accounted

for by the number of revue-writers who have resumed their agricultural

occupations.

 

 

In a small town in Australia, says a news item, over two tons of mice

were killed in two days. For some unknown reason, which perhaps the

Censor can explain, the name of the cat is withheld.

 

 

"Eliminate the middleman," demands a contemporary. It might prove a

simpler affair, after all, than the present system of suppressing the

inner man.

 

      

 

Mr. GINNELL, M.P., is responsible for the statement that "bringing

an action against the police in Ireland is like bringing one against

Satan in hell." The chief obstacle in the latter case is of course the

total absence of learned counsel in that locality.

 

       * * *

 

The KAISER, it appears, has lost no time in commiserating with his

troops on their magnificent victory at Messines.

 

       * * *

 

The title which Mr. JOHN HASSALL wrote under one of his sketches

suggested the words for a song which has now been written. It is

only fair to the artist to say that he was not aware that his quite

innocent title would lead to this.

 

       * * *

 

The National Service staff at St. Ermin's Hotel, Westminster, has been

reduced by half. It is now expected that the unemployed half will

volunteer for National Service.

 

       * * *

 

Berlin announces that all through-lines in Germany are running. The

case of the HINDENBURG Line seems to be infectious.

 

       * * *

 

"No cheese," says _The Evening News_, "has quite the bite of Cheddar."

At the same time, unless it wags its tail to show that it is friendly,

we feel that every cheese with a bite like that would be much safer if

muzzled.

 

       * * *

 

Triplets were born in Manchester last week. The father is going on as

well as can be expected.

 

       * * *

 

Complaint has been made by a member of the Hounslow Burial Committee

of courting couples occupying seats in the cemetery. The killjoy!

 

       * * *

 

We can only suppose it was the hot weather that tempted a newsagent

correspondent to ask whether Lord NORTHCLIFFE had gone to America on

"sail or return."

 

       * * *

 

Mr. BALFOUR, we are told, while staying at Washington, visited eleven

public buildings and interviewed nine representative Americans on one

day. There is some talk of his being elected an honorary American.

 

       * * *

 

We wish to deny the foolish rumour that when he arrived in London

from his American tour and was asked if he had had a good voyage,

he remarked, "Sure thing, sonny. All the little Mister Congressmen

gathered around, and it suited your Uncle Dudley very nicely and some

more. Yep!"

 

       * * *

 

An old lady was recently fined two pounds for putting out crumbs for

birds. Had the bread-crumbs been put outside, instead of inside, the

birds, no offence, it seems, would have been committed.

 

       * * *

 

Newspapers in Germany may now be sold only to subscribers for one

month or more. A similar measure for England is opposed on the ground

that it would be most inadvisable to check the practice at present in

vogue among patriotic supporters of the Coalition Government of buying

_The Morning Post_ and _The Daily News_ on alternate days.

 

       * * *

 

Bobbing for eels is being pursued with much enthusiasm on the Norfolk

Broads. Two-bobbing for haddocks in Kensington is sport enough for

most of us.

 

       * * *

 

Large numbers of the German prisoners taken at Messines wore new boots

and new uniforms. Other improvements included a less ragged rendering

of the well-known recitation, "Kamerad!"

 

       * * *

 

Asked what bait could be used for coarse fish, the late

FOOD-CONTROLLER suggested one "made from bran, with a limited quantity

of oatmeal." The correspondent has now written to inquire whether the

fish have been officially informed of the new diet.

 

       * * *

 

Four shillings a hundredweight is being paid for old omnibus tickets,

but there are still a few people who use these vehicles for pleasure,

without any motive of gain.

 

  

=Suspended Animation.=

 

   "LAUNDRY.--Girl to hang up and make herself useful."--_Liverpool

   Echo_.

 

       *       *       *       *       *

 

   "For myself, I have very good reasons for not being in khaki. I

   live on a farm near the Grand Falls of the St. John River. These

   falls are second to Niagara in size and splendour, and attract

   visitors from all over the country."--_Canadian Paper_.

 

He must have told the recruiting-officer that he was subject to

cataract.

 

       *       *       *       *       *

 

 

=T.M.G.=

 

Farewell, my CONSTANTINE! A guardian navy

Facilitates your exit on the blue;

For Greece has been this long while in the gravy

And he that put her there was plainly you;

"TINO MUST GO!" was writ for all to see,

Or, briefly, "T.M.G."

 

Whither, dear Sir, do you propose to sally?

To Switzerland's recuperative air,

To sip condensed milk in a private chalet

Or pluck the lissom chamois from his lair,

Or on the summit of a neutral Alp

Recline your crownless scalp?

 

Or did you ask from him you love so dearly

A royal haven fenced from rude alarms,

Even though WILLIAM should reserve you merely

A bedroom at "The Hohenzollern Arms,"

Having for poor relations on the loose

No sort of further use?

 

Beware! I gather he might clasp his TINO

Only too warmly to his heaving chest,

Saying, "O how reward such merits? _We_ know!

Thou shalt command an Army in the West!

Yes, thou shalt bear upon the British Front

The pick of all the brunt."

 

Frankly, if I were you, I wouldn't chance it.

Fighting has never really been your forte;

Witness Larissa, and your rapid transit,

Chivied by slow foot-sloggers of the Porte;

Far better make for Denmark o'er the foam;

There is no place like home.

 

Try some ancestral palace, well-appointed;

For choice the one where _Hamlet_ nursed his spite,

Who found the times had grown a bit disjointed

And he was not the man to put 'em right;

And there consult on that enchanted shore

The ghosts of Elsinore.

 

O.S.

 

       *       *       *       *       *

 

 

=LESSONS OF THE WAR.=

 

I.

 

(_Acting upon instructions received from the 3rd Self-help Division

the 9th Self-help Brigade issues its orders for a Raid._)

 

9TH SELF-HELP BRIGADE OPERATION ORDER No. 49.

_August 1st, 1920_.

 

Ref. Maps. LONDON 1/40000 shoot 27^d S.W. and (Special) 1/500

(BROADMEAD).

 

The 9th Self-help Brigade will carry out a Raid upon BROADMEAD

HOUSE, BROADMEAD SQUARE, W., on the night of 12/13 August.

 

The Raid will be carried out by the BILL SIKES and ROBIN HOOD

Battalions. The CHARLIE PEACE Bn. will be in close support, and the

DICK TURPIN Bn. in reserve.

 

The four sides of the house will be attacked simultaneously, the

BILL SIKES Bn. attacking with one Coy. each on the North and West, and

the ROBIN HOOD on the South and East.

 

The noise of entry will be covered by a barrage of street cries and

taxi whistles. "Q." will arrange.

 

Zero hour will be notified later.

 

The grounds and approaches will be reconnoitred thoroughly and as

many friends as possible made in the neighbourhood. Every opportunity

of reconnoitring the house itself, either through friendship or by

substitution for legitimate plumbers, window-cleaners, piano-tuners,

etc., will be taken.

 

The Brigades on the Right and Left will co-operate by starting a

street fight and a small fire respectively at some convenient distance

from the scene of operations.

 

At Zero _minus_ one hour, a cordon of outposts will be established

at a radius of 500 yards from the house, with strong points at the

street corners. "Q." will arrange for a supply of hedging-gloves.

 

The general scheme of approach will be on the lines as laid down in

the "Self-help Corps Standard Formation of Attack" (OK 340/CV/429).

 

Commanding Officers will submit a detailed scheme for the attack

(with sketch maps) not later than 4 P.M. on August 6th.

 

Mopping-up parties will be detailed to deal with all dug-outs

known to be occupied. Prisoners will not be taken, but undue roughness

is to be discouraged as likely to bring discredit upon the service.

Steps will be taken, however, to ensure the immediate, if temporary,

silence of the obstreperous. O.C. Chloroform will arrange.

 

The Dog emplacement at G 36 A 0.8 will be dealt with by the

Brigade Dog-fancier.

 

Brigade Cooks will be detailed in specified areas to act as decoys

for Policemen.

 

All information as to the plans, intentions, appearance, habits

and dispositions of inhabitants will be found in Appendix I. Some

good interior photographs of the house have been obtained by Corps

photographers acting as window-cleaners.

 

As foreshadowed in the Self-help Corps Intelligence Summary of

June 29th most of the family will be away at the seaside by the date

fixed for the Raid.

 

A teetotal Guard will be placed over all cellars.

 

Advanced Report Centre will be at G 25 D 93 ("The Peck and

Jackdaw").

 

A site for a forward dump will be chosen--preferably on the

BAYSWATER-BROADMEAD Road. "Q" will arrange.

 

Practice Raids will be carried out upon a model of the objective

which will be erected at the depot.

 

Parties detailed for Glass-cutting, Safe-opening, etc., etc., will

draw the necessary tools from the Main Dump at K 25 A on the 12th

inst. "Q" will arrange.

 

Dress: Fighting Order with Rubber Soles.

 

A non-committal hot meal (without onions) will be served to all

before starting. "Q" will arrange.

 

Results of the Raid will be collected and dumped at Advanced

Brigade dump at G 36 A. "Q" will arrange for necessary transport.

Distribution of proceeds will be made in accordance with G.R.O. 15.

"_G_" _Staff will arrange_.

 

Please acknowledge. _Issued at 5.15 P.M._

 

Copies to

Diary I.

Diary II., etc., etc.

 

       *       *       *       *       *

 

   "Detroit aldermen yesterday adopted a resolution asking for the

   freedom of Ireland from British rule.

 

   It is addressed to the president and was introduced by Alderman

   Walsh.

 

   Other Irish patriots eager for the freedom of Erin who did sign

   the resolution were Jacob Guthard, William H.C. Hinkle, Joseph H.

   Bahorski, Joseph A. Miotke, Anthony Nowe, Herman Zink, Charles

   Braun, Charles A. Kocher, Oscar A. Dodt, John C. Bleil, Ralph G.

   Mitter, Alexander Dill, John A. Kronk, Herman Schultz, Albert G.

   Kunz, Frederick W. Wendell and Oscar Riopelle."

 

   _Detroit Free Press_.

 

Your true Irish patriot doesn't mind what country he comes from.

 

      

=BLANCHE'S LETTERS.=

 

WAR FEVER.

 

_Park Lane_.

 

 

Dearest DAPHNE,--Juno ffarrington's wedding to the Oldcastles' boy,

Portcullis, the other day, quite the best done of Allotment Weddings

that are having a little vogue just now. Juno's white satin gown was

embroidered with mustard and cress and spring onions in their natural

colours, her veil was kept in place by a coronal of lettuce leaves,

and, instead of a Prayer-Book or a posy, she carried a little

ivory-and-silver spade. The effect was _absolutely!_ The 'maids had on

Olga's latest in Allotment Wedding frocks, carried out in potato-brown

charmeuse and cabbage-green chiffon; also they'd garden-hats, tied

under the chin with ribbon-grass and with a big cluster of radishes at

the left side, and each of them carried a bunch of small salad and a

darling little crystal-and-silver watering-pot (Portcullis's gifts).

The Duke of Southlands gave his daughter away, and Juno _insisted_ on

his wearing a smock-frock and carrying a trowel, and just as the dear

Bishop said, "Who giveth this woman?" the poor old darling dropped his

trowel with a crash and rather spoilt things.

 

The wedding-cake was a great big war loaf stuck with flags. Juno cut

it in old-fashioned style with Portcullis's sword. While we were doing

ourselves well with war-bread and margarine, boiled eggs and plenty of

champagne, the Controller of Wedding Breakfasts blew in (it's a new

post, and he's two hundred and fifty able-bodied young assistants).

He was curious to see what we were having, and cautioned us against

throwing any rice after our bride and 'groom. "But how absurd, you

ricky person!" chipped in Popsy, Lady Ramsgate, who, of course, is

Juno's great-aunt. "_We_ never throw rice at our wedding-people!

_That_'s only done by the outlying tribes of barbarians." It was a

pity she attracted