Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, November 14th, 1891 - Mr. Various (affordable ebook reader TXT) 📗

"a

cussin' and a swearin' like hanythink." So the two extremes at Monte Carlo

may be expressed by the name of a well-known shopkeeping London firm,

i.e., SWEARS AND WELLS.

 

NOTHING LIKE LABOR.

 

(_A Pleasant Prospect suggested by the evidence taken before the Royal

Commission_.)

 

And so the Un-employed rose from the ditch in which he had passed the

night, and made for the town. It was early morning, and he thought he could

possibly get something to do at the baker's.

 

"Want to work?" cried the foreman. "Why, my good fellow, it is all over for

the next two days. The trade only allows four hours, so we begin at eight

on one night, and carry it on until four on the following morning. People

get their loaves a little stale, but old bread is said to be good for the

digestion!"

 

So the Unemployed went on until he came to a half-built house. The workmen

had left, but there was still a watchman on the premises.

 

"Want to work! Why _what_ are you thinking about! Why, our trade only

allows two hours a day, so we build a house by laying foundation-stones. It

is rather slow, but very sure."

 

So the starving man continued his journey. He was unsuccessful at every

trade centre. One industry allowed its members to work only for three hours

a day, another two, a third four, and so on. There was only one exception

to the rule, and this (so the doctor thinks) was caused by necessity. The

undertakers were fully employed twelve hours out of the twenty-four. Even

the public-houses were closed at noon. The workhouses and casual wards were

never empty.

 

But being of a sanguine temperament, the Unemployed cheered his drooping

spirits by murmuring, "Better luck to-morrow!" Then he retired to his

rather damp quarters in the country ditch!

 

 

Literary Intelligence.

 

_Airy opening of article by_ Mr. GINLEY SCORCHSAM, _a rising young author_.

"Asked by Editor of _Magazin des Louvres_ to let him have a paper on Art as

Applied to Drapery----"

 

_Note by the Agonised Editor_ (_who has been struggling with MS. for

several hours_). "And he _did_ let me have it, with a vengeance!"

 

 

LIGHT CONDUCT IN HEAVENLY BODIES.

 

 

DEAR MR. EDITOR,

 

What on earth, or rather what in the starry Heavens' name is the meaning of

this heading to a paragraph in the _Times_ of Tuesday, Nov. 3:--

 

   "APPARENT DUPLICITY OF JUPITER'S SATELLITE No. 1."

 

Except that the stars are given to wink, I have never before heard of the

Heavenly Bodies being accused, of immorality. It is true that the duplicity

is said to be only "apparent" or alleged, but this is doubtless due to the

precaution of the scientist to escape an action for libel. Flatterers have

often been accused of this vice, and Satellites are not much better. A

"Star" on the stage might perhaps thus acknowledge the presence of a friend

and admirer in the Stalls or in the charmed Circle. But for a Heavenly Body

to be guilty of duplicity, and above all for a "Number One" Heavenly Body,

is too much. No more will the simple lines

 

   "Twinkle, twinkle, little Star!"

 

be true. No; if "Jupiter's Satellite No. 1" takes to such light conduct,

then shall we, have to read

 

   "Wink, O wink, you little Star!"

 

Henceforth let astronomers be very careful what observations they make. To

what a state of things are we coming, when at night all the sublunary world

is nodding, and the Stars above are winking. If there's duplicity in a

Satellite of Jupiter, how about Jupiter itself? Can we henceforth put any

trust in the Planets? Are they in league with deceitful soothsayers,

astrologers, and fortune-tellers? I cannot further pursue the painful

subject. We owe a debt of gratitude to the _Times_ for exposing duplicity

in the highest places. Imagine treachery in Aurora Borealis! What an awful

flirt she would be!! How she'd "wink the other eye!"

 

Yours,

AN ASTRONOMER LOYAL.

 

      

FROM MASHONALAND.--Inspired by the success of ARTHUR B., of DE GORSTIBUS

NON DISPUTANDUM, and of Sir KETTLE-DRUMMOND WOLFF, our GRANDOLPH meditates

a surprise return to his own native land and to Parliamentary life. He

announces his intention of changing his name, and will call himself "Lord

NIL DESPERANDUM CHURCHILL." Hail to the modern Coeur-de-Lion!"

 

     

FINAL.--The _Daily Chronicle_ says it does not regard Mr. GOSCHEN as one of

the Puritans of finance. Well, no, perhaps, GEORGE JOACHIM'S finance--like

his manner--is rather _Cavalier_!

 

  

ONLY FANCY!

 

 

FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., attending the American Methodist Conference, has

been supplying the United States with interesting illustrations of House of

Commons manners. Incidentally he observed that Primitive Methodists,

members of which body were largely represented in his audience, are

"impostors." This led to some misunderstanding, and Mr. FARMER-ATKINSON,

M.P., found it necessary to explain that he had used the term "simply in a

Parliamentary sense." We learn by special Zadkiel telegram that, on

emerging from the Hall after the meeting, the Rev. HERCULES EBENEZER

(Omaha), bringing down his clenched fist on the crown of the hat of Mr.

FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., altered its situation in a direction that

temporarily obscured the vision of the Hon. Member.

 

"What do you mean?" inquired Mr. FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., struggling out of

the wreck of his hat.

 

"I mean it in a purely Pickwickian sense," said the Rev. HERCULES EBENEZER

(Omaha), with a seraphic smile that disarmed controversy.

 

     

The GERMAN EMPEROR has lately rearranged his scheme of work for weekdays.

From six A.M. to eight A.M. he gives lectures on Strategy and Tactics to

Generals over forty years old. From eight to ten he instructs the chief

actors, musicians and painters of Berlin in the principles of their

respective arts. The hours from ten to twelve he devotes to the compilation

of his Memoirs in fifty-four volumes. A limited edition of large-paper

copies is to be issued. From twelve to four P.M. he reviews regiments,

cashiers colonels, captures fortresses, carries his own dispatches to

himself, and makes speeches of varying length to all who will listen to

him. Any professional reporter found taking accurate notes of His Majesty's

words is immediately blown from a Krupp gun with the new smokeless powder.

From four to eight he tries on uniforms, dismisses Ministers and officials,

dictates state-papers to General CAPRIVI, and composes his history of "How

I pricked the Bismarck Bubble." From eight to eleven P.M. His Majesty

teaches schoolmasters how to teach, wives how to attend to their families,

bankers how to carry on their business, and cooks how to prepare dinners.

The rest of the day he devotes to himself. On Thursday next His Majesty

leaves Berlin on his tenth visit to the European Courts.

 

   

There is no truth in the report that the Lord CHANCELLOR is arranging a

Christmas party, to which shall be invited all the members and connections

of his family for whom he has found places during his term of office. It is

well known that the accommodation at Lord HALSBURY's town residence is

comparatively limited.

 

   

We regret to hear that Mr. JOHN O'CONNOR, M.P. (known in the House of

Commons as "Long JOHN"), has decided to retire from political life. His

personal experience during the Cork Election has convinced him that no man

over 5 ft. 8 in. can safely take part in active politics.

 

"Bricks, dead cats, sections of chimney-pots, which flew harmless over the

heads of the crowd, invariably struck me," said Mr. O'CONNOR, toying with

the bandage over his left eyebrow.

 

It is quite true, as reported in the newspapers, that Dr. GUTTERIDGE was

not present when the final result of the polling in the Strand was made

known, and that it was explained to the reporter he had been "called out to

see a patient." The suggestion that the undertaking of this hopeless

contest was designed solely to lead up to this incident, is one worthy only

of the diseased imagination of a professional rival, who has no patients to

call him out--even from Church.

 

     

It is stated (and has been denied) that Herr VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP is

about to retire from his supervision of universal affairs exercised through

the Special Paris Wire of a contemporary. We are glad to learn that this

intention does not in any case imply absolute disappearance from the

European Stage. It is no secret in diplomatic circles that the Herr has

been approached on the question of his ascending the throne of Bulgaria.

His keen insight into European politics has convinced him that this

arrangement would afford a settlement of an ever-ruffled question. He has,

we understand, stipulated that the Principality shall be raised to the

status of a Kingdom. "I have," he said to the Emissary of the Powers who

approached him on the subject, "been so long accustomed to associate with

Crowned Heads, that in a Principality I should feel like a fish out of

water."

 

With his usual considerateness, Herr VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP has

recognised the inconvenience that would be imposed on his subjects, if, in

daily use, they were obliged to refer to him by his full title. He will,

therefore, deign to be known on coins, postage-stamps, and in semi-official

communications, as TROMP THE FIRST.

 

 

There is no truth in the report that, on behalf of Mr. JOHN MORLEY, Sir

WILLIAM HARCOURT waited upon Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, and asked him to name a

friend; that the Right Hon. Gentleman "mentioned" Mr. JESSE COLLINGS; and

that the two seconds have arranged a meeting at Boulogne. The idle rumour

doubtless arose out of the fact that an acrimonious correspondence between

the two former friends has been carried on in the columns of the _Times_.

 

 

According to the newspaper reports, during the ceremony of acceptance by

the Prince of WALES, as President of Bartholomew's Hospital, of "the

portrait of Sir SYDNEY WATERLOW, the Treasurer," the portrait "occupied a

prominent position on the platform, and the Hon. Baronet sat immediately in

front of it." We learn that this arrangement led to some misunderstanding,

people, on entering, not at first knowing which was the portrait, and which

was Sir SYDNEY.

 

 

ECHOES FROM THE LABOUR COMMISSION.

 

_First Voice._ I hear that you wish to give your evidence before this

Commission?

 

_Second Voice._ Certainly, that is my desire. I am here to speak in the

name of my fellow-labourers, and----

 

_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. You are in favour of Trade Unions?

 

_Second V._ I am. I feel that when rich and poor meet in mighty conflict,

there is only--

 

_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. And you believe that strikes are

beneficial?

 

_Second V._ I do consider them beneficial, most beneficial. I feel that

labour must have its rights, and that the white dove of liberty has only

to--

 

_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. And you are in favour of

arbitration?

 

_Second V._ No, I am not. For when DIVES meets the beggars, then the cry of

labour rises on the stilly night, and--

 

_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. And may I ask to what trade you

belong?

 

_Second V._ I belong to none. Every thinking and right-minded man should

care for his fellows as himself. Like an eagle on a snow-capped mountain,

he should--

 

_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do. Then may we ask, if you belong to

no trade, what is your occupation?

 

_Second V._ My occupation is to talk to--

 

_First V._ Yes, thank you, that will do!

 

     

NOTICE TO PROBABLE IRISH OBJECTORS ON BOTH SIDES.--The Novel that _Mr.

Punch_ so recently praised, entitled _Tim_, is neither Irish nor political.

Both sides can buy and enjoy it. A Parnellite author is thinking of

adapting DICKENS, and bringing out a new version of an old_ Christmas book,

to be entitled _Tiny Tim._

 

      

OLD TIMES REVIVED.--The New Lord Mayor. Gracious EVANS!! "And," asks a

middle-aged Correspondent, "during this Mayoralty will the Munching House

be known as EVANS'S?"

 

    

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