The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) - Thomas Chandler Haliburton (reading well txt) 📗

Book Me For London. So I

Have Seen Liverpool At Last,  Eh! Or,  As Rufus Said,  I

Have Felt It Too,  For This Wet Day Reminds Me Of The Rest

Of His Story.

 

"In About A Half Hour Arter Rufus Raced Off To The Falls,

Back He Comes As Hard As He Could Tear,  A-Puffing And A

Blowin' Like A Sizeable Grampus. You Never Seed Such A

Figure As He Was,  He Was Wet Through And Through,  And

The Dry Dust Stickin' To His Clothes,  Made Him Look Like

A Dog,  That Had Jumped Into The Water,  And Then Took A

Volume 1 Chapter 8 (Seeing Liverpool) Pg 45

Roll In The Road To Dry Hisself; He Was A Caution To Look

At,  That's A Fact.

 

"'Well,' Sais I,  'Stranger,  Did You See The Falls?'

 

"'Yes,' Sais He,  'I Have See'd 'Em And Felt 'Em Too;

Them's Very Wet Falls,  That's A Fact. I Hante A Dry Rag

On Me; If It Hadn't A Been For That Ere Britisher,  I

Wouldn't Have See'd 'Em At All,  And Yet A Thought I Had

Been There All The Time. It's A Pity Too,  That That Winder

Don't Bear On It,  For Then You Could See It Without The

Trouble Of Goin' There,  Or Gettin' Ducked,  Or Gettin'

Skeered So. I Got An Awful Fright There--I Shall Never

Forget It,  If I Live As Long As Merusalem. You Know I

Hadn't Much Time Left,  When. I Found Out I Hadn't Been

There Arter All,  So I Ran All The Way,  Right Down As Hard

As I Could Clip; And,  Seein' Some Folks Comin' Out From

Onder The Fall,  I Pushed Strait In,  But The Noise Actilly

Stunned Me,  And The Spray Wet Me Through And Through Like

A Piece Of Sponged Cloth; And The Great Pourin',  Bilin'

Flood,  Blinded Me So I Couldn't See A Bit; And I Hadn't

Gone Far In,  Afore A Cold,  Wet,  Clammy,  Dead Hand,  Felt

My Face All Over. I Believe In My Soul,  It Was The Indian

Squaw That Went Over The Falls In The Canoe,  Or The Crazy

Englisher,  That Tried To Jump Across It.

 

"'Oh Creation,  How Cold It Was! The Moment That Spirit

Rose,  Mine Fell,  And I Actilly Thought I Should Have

Dropt Lumpus,  I Was So Skeered. Give Me Your Hand,  Said

Ghost,  For I Didn't See Nothin' But A Kinder Dark Shadow.

Give Me Your Hand. I Think It Must Ha' Been The Squaw,

For It Begged For All The World,  Jist Like An Indgian.

I'd See You Hanged Fust,  Said I; I Wouldn't Touch That

Are Dead Tacky Hand O' Yourn' For Half A Million O' Hard

Dollars,  Cash Down Without Any Ragged Eends; And With

That,  I Turned To Run Out,  But Lord Love You I Couldn't

Run. The Stones Was All Wet And Slimy,  And Onnateral

Slippy,  And I Expected Every Minute,  I Should Heels Up

And Go For It: Atween Them Two Critters The Ghost And

The Juicy Ledge,  I Felt Awful Skeered I Tell _You_. So

I Begins To Say My Catechism; What's Your Name,  Sais I?

Rufus Dodge. Who Gave You That Name? Godfather And

Godmother Granny Eells. What Did They Promise For You?

That I Should Renounce The Devil And All His

Works--Works--Works--I Couldn't Get No Farther,  I Stuck

Fast There,  For I Had Forgot It.

 

"'The Moment I Stopt,  Ghost Kinder Jumped Forward,  And

Seized Me By My Mustn't-Mention'ems,  And Most Pulled The

Seat Out. Oh Dear! My Heart Most Went Out Along With It,

For I Thought My Time Had Come. You Black She-Sinner Of

A Heathen Indgian! Sais I; Let Me Go This Blessed Minite,

For I Renounce The Devil And All His Works,  The Devil

And All His Works--So There Now; And I Let Go A Kick

Volume 1 Chapter 8 (Seeing Liverpool) Pg 46

Behind,  The Wickedest You Ever See,  And Took It Right In

The Bread Basket. Oh,  It Yelled And Howled And Screached

Like A Wounded Hyaena,  Till My Ears Fairly Cracked Agin.

I Renounce You,  Satan,  Sais I; I Renounce You,  And The

World,  And The Flesh And The Devil. And Now,  Sais I,  A

Jumpin' On Terry Firm Once More,  And Turnin' Round And

Facin' The Enemy,  I'll Promise A Little Dust More For

Myself,  And That Is To Renounce Niagara,  And Indgian

Squaws,  And Dead Britishers,  And The Whole Seed,  Breed

And Generation Of 'Em From This Time Forth,  For Evermore.

Amen.

 

"'Oh Blazes! How Cold My Face Is Yet. Waiter,  Half A

Pint Of Clear Cocktail; Somethin' To Warm Me. Oh,  That

Cold Hand! Did You Ever Touch A Dead Man's Hand? It's

Awful Cold,  You May Depend. Is There Any Marks On My

Face? Do You See The Tracks Of The Fingers There?'

 

"'No,  Sir,' Sais I,' I Can't Say I Do.'

 

"'Well,  Then I Feel Them There,' Sais He,  'As Plain As

Any Thing.'

 

"'Stranger,' Sais I,  'It Was Nothin' But Some Poor

No-Souled Critter,  Like Yourself,  That Was Skeered A'most

To Death,  And Wanted To Be Helped Out That's All."

 

"'Skeered!' Said He,  'Sarves Him Right Then; He Might

Have Knowed How To Feel For Other Folks,  And Not Funkify

Them So Peskily; I Don't Keer If He Never Gets Out; But

I Have My Doubts About Its Bein' A Livin' Human,  I Tell

_You_. If I Hadn't A Renounced The Devil And All His

Works That Time,  I Don't Know What The Upshot Would Have

Been,  For Old Scratch Was There Too. I Saw Him As Plain

As I See You; He Ran Out Afore Me,  And Couldn't Stop Or

Look Back,  As Long As I Said Catekism. He Was In His Old

Shape Of The Sarpent; He Was The Matter Of A Yard Long,

And As Thick Round As My Arm And Travelled Belly-Flounder

Fashion; When I Touched Land,  He Dodged Into An Eddy,

And Out Of Sight In No Time. Oh,  There Is No Mistake,

I'll Take My Oath Of It; I See Him,  I Did Upon My Soul.

It Was The Old Gentleman Hisself; He Come There To Cool

Hisself. Oh,  It Was The Devil,  That's A Fact.'

 

"'It Was Nothin' But A Fresh Water Eel,' Sais I; 'I Have

Seen Thousands Of 'Em There; For The Crevices Of Them

Rocks Are Chock Full Of 'Em. How Can You Come For To Go,

For To Talk Arter That Fashion; You Are A Disgrace To

Our Great Nation,  You Great Lummokin Coward,  You. An

American Citizen Is Afeerd Of Nothin',  But A Bad

Spekilation,  Or Bein' Found Oat.'

 

"Well,  That Posed Him,  He Seemed Kinder Bothered,  And

Looked Down.

Volume 1 Chapter 8 (Seeing Liverpool) Pg 47

 

"'An Eel,  Eh! Well,  It Mought Be An Eel,' Sais Be,  'That's

A Fact. I Didn't Think Of That; But Then If It Was,  It

Was God-Mother Granny Eells,  That Promised I Should

Renounce The Devil And All His Works,  That Took That

Shape,  And Come To Keep Me To My Bargain. She Died Fifty

Years Ago,  Poor Old Soul,  And Never Kept Company With

Indgians,  Or Niggers,  Or Any Such Trash. Heavens And

Airth! I Don't Wonder The Falls Wakes The Dead,  It Makes

Such An Everlastin' Almighty Noise,  Does Niagara. Waiter,

More Cocktail,  That Last Was As Weak As Water.'

 

"'Yes,  Sir,' And He Swallered It Like Wink.

 

"'The Stage Is Ready,  Sir.'

 

"'Is It?' Said He,  And He Jumped In All Wet As He Was;

For Time Is Money And He Didn't Want To Waste Neither.

As It Drove Off,  I Heerd Him Say,  'Well Them's The Falls,

Eh! So I Have Seen The Falls Of Niagara And Felt 'Em Too,

Eh!'

 

"Now,  We Are Better Off Than Rufus Dodge Was,  Squire;

For We Hante Got Wet,  And We Hante Got Frightened,  But

We Can Look Out O' The Winder And Say,  'Well,  That's

Liverpool,  Eh! So I Have--Seen Liverpool.'"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Volume 1 Chapter 9 (Changing A Name) Pg 48

The Rain Having Confined Us To The House This Afternoon,

We Sat Over Our Wine After Dinner Longer Than Usual.

Among The Different Topics That Were Discussed,  The Most

Prominent Was The State Of The Political Parties In This

Country. Mr. Slick,  Who Paid Great Deference To The

Opinions Of Mr. Hopewell,  Was Anxious To Ascertain From

Him What He Thought Upon The Subject,  In Order To Regulate

His Conduct And Conversation By It Hereafter.

 

"Minister," Said He,  "What Do You Think Of The Politics

Of The British?"

 

"I Don't Think About Them At All,  Sam. I Hear So Much Of

Such Matters At Home,  That I Am Heartily Tired Of Them;

Our Political World Is Divided Into Two Classes,  The

Knaves And The Dupes. Don't Let Us Talk Of Such Exciting,

Things."

 

"But,  Minister," Said Mr. Slick,  "Holdin' The High And

Dignified Station I Do,  As Attache,  They Will Be A-Pumpin'

Me For Everlastinly,  Will The Great Men Here,  And They

Think A Plaguy Sight More Of Our Opinion Than You Are

Aware On; We Have Tried All Them Things They Are A Jawin'

About Here,  And They Naterally Want To Know The Results.

Cooper Says Not One Tory Called On Him When He Was To

England,  But Walter Scott; And That I Take It,  Was More

Lest Folks Should Think He Was Jealous Of Him,  Than Any

Thing Else; They Jist Cut Him As Dead As A Skunk; But

Among The Whigs,  He Was Quite An Oracle On Ballot,

Univarsal Suffrage,  And All Other Democratic Institutions."

 

"Well,  He Was A Ninny Then,  Was Cooper,  To Go And Blart

It All Out To The World That Way; For If No Tory Visited

Him,  I Should Like You To Ask Him The Next Time You See

Him,  How Many Gentlemen Called Upon Him? Jist Ask Him

That,  And It Will Stop Him From Writing Such Stuff Any

More."

 

"But,  Minister,  Jist Tell Us Now,  Here You Are,  As A Body

Might Say In England,