The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) - Thomas Chandler Haliburton (reading well txt) 📗

Now What Are You?"

 

"I Am A Man,  Sam; _Homo Sum,  Humani Nihil A Me Alienum

Puto_."

 

"Well,  What's All That When It's Fried?"

 

"Why,  That When Away From Home,  I Am A Citizen Of The

World. I Belong To No Party,  But Take An Interest In The

Whole Human Family."

 

" Well,  Minister,  If You Choose To Sing Dumb,  You Can,

But I Should Like To Have You Answer Me One Question Now,

And If You Won't,  Why You Must Jist Do T'other Thing,

That's All. Are You A Consarvative?"

 

"No."

 

"Are You A Whig?"

 

"No."

 

"A Radical?"

 

"God Forbid!"

 

"What In Natur' Are You Then?"

 

"A Tory."

 

"A Tory! Well,  I Thought That A Tory And A Consarvative,

Were As The Indgians Say,  "All Same One Brudder." Where

Volume 1 Chapter 9 (Changing A Name) Pg 49

Is The Difference?"

 

"You Will Soon Find That Out,  Sam; Go And Talk To A

Consarvative As A Tory,  And You Will Find He Is A Whig:

Go And Talk To Him Again As A Whig,  And You Will Find He

Is A Tory. They Are,  For All The World,  Like A Sturgeon.

There Is Very Good Beef Steaks In A Sturgeon,  And Very

Good Fish Too,  And Yet It Tante Either Fish Or Flesh. I

Don't Like Taking A New Name,  It Looks Amazing Like Taking

New Principles,  Or,  At All Events,  Like Loosenin' Old

Ones,  And I Hante Seen The Creed Of This New Sect Yet--I

Don't Know What Its Tenets Are,  Nor Where To Go And Look

For 'Em. It Strikes Me They Don't Accord With The Tories,

And Yet Arn't In Tune With The Whigs,  But Are Half A Note

Lower Than The One,  And Half A Note Higher Than T'other.

Now,  Changes In The Body Politic Are Always Necessary

More Or Less,  In Order To Meet The Changes Of Time,  And

The Changes In The Condition Of Man. When They Are

Necessary,  Make 'Em,  And Ha' Done With 'Em. Make 'Em Like

Men,  Not When You Are Forced To Do So,  And Nobody Thanks

You,  But When You See They Are Wanted,  And Are Proper;

But Don't Alter Your Name.

 

"My Wardens Wanted Me To Do That; They Came To Me,  And

Said 'Minister,' Says They,  'We Don't Want _You_ To

Change,  We Don't Ask It; Jist Let Us Call You A Unitarian,

And You Can Remain Episcopalian Still. We Are Tired Of

That Old Fashioned Name,  It's Generally Thought Unsuited

To The Times,  And Behind The Enlightment Of The Age; It's

Only Fit For Benighted Europeans. Change The Name,  You

Needn't Change Any Thing Else. What Is A Name?'

 

"'Every Thing,' Says I,  'Every Thing,  My Brethren; One

Name Belongs To A Christian,  And The Other Don't; That's

The Difference. I'd Die Before I Surrendered My Name;

For In Surrenderin' That,  I Surrender My Principles.'"

 

"Exactly," Said Mr. Slick,  "That's What Brother Eldad

Used To Say. 'Sam,' Said He,  'A Man With An _Alias_ Is

The Worst Character In The World; For Takin' A New Name,

Shows He Is Ashamed Of His Old One; And Havin' An Old

One,  Shows His New One Is A Cheat.'"

 

"No," Said Mr. Hopewell,  "I Don't Like That Word

Consarvative. Them Folks May Be Good Kind Of People,  And

I Guess They Be,  Seein' That The Tories Support 'Em,

Which Is The Best Thing I See About Them; But I Don't

Like Changin' A Name."

 

"Well,  I Don't Know," Said Mr. Slick,  "P'raps Their Old

Name Was So Infarnal Dry Rotted,  They Wanted To Change

It For A Sound New One. You Recollect When That

Super-Superior Villain,  Expected Thorne,  Brought An Action

Of Defamation Agin' Me,  To Slickville,  For Takin' Away

Volume 1 Chapter 9 (Changing A Name) Pg 50

His Character,  About Stealing The Watch To Nova Scotia;

Well,  I Jist Pleaded My Own Case,  And I Ups And Sais,

'Gentlemen Of The Jury,' Sais I,  "Expected's Character,

Every Soul Knows,  Is About The Wust In All Slickville.

If I Have Taken It Away,  I Have Done Him A Great Sarvice,

For He Has A Smart Chance Of Gettin' A Better One; And

If He Don't Find A Swap To His Mind,  Why No Character Is

Better Nor A Bad One.'

 

"Well,  The Old Judge And The Whole Court Larfed Right

Out Like Any Thin'; And The Jury,  Without Stirrin' From

The Box,  Returned A Vardict For The Defendant. P'raps

Now,  That Mought Be The Case With The Tories."

 

"The Difference," Said Mr. Hopewell,  Is Jist This:--Your

Friend,  Mr. Expected Thorne,  Had A Name He Had Ought To

Have Been Ashamed Of,  And The Tories One That The Whole

Nation Had Very Great Reason To Be Proud Of. There Is

Some Little Difference,  You Must Admit. My English

Politics,  (Mind You,  I Say English,  For They Hare No

Reference To America,) Are Tory,  And I Don't Want To Go

To Sir Robert Peel,  Or Lord John Russell Either."

 

"As For Johnny Russell," Said Mr. Slick,  "He Is A Clever

Little Chap That; He--"

 

"Don't Call Him Johnny Russell," Said Mr. Hopewell,  "Or

A Little Chap,  Or Such Flippant Names,  I Don't Like To

Hear You Talk That Way. It Neither Becomes You As A

Christian Nor A Gentleman. St. Luke And St. Paul,  When

Addressing People Of Rank,  Use The Word '[Greek Text]'

Which,  As Nearly As Possible,  Answers To The Title Of

'Your Excellency.' Honour,  We Are Told,  Should Be Given

To Those To Whom Honour Is Due; And If We Had No Such

Authority On The Subject,  The Omission Of Titles,  Where

They Are Usual And Legal,  Is,  To Say The Least Of It,  A

Vulgar Familiarity,  Ill Becoming An Attache Of Our Embassy.

But As I Was Saying,  I Do Not Require To Go To Either Of

Those Statesmen To Be Instructed In My Politics. I Take

Mine Where I Take My Religion,  From The Bible. 'Fear

God,  Honour The King,  And Meddle Not With Those That Are

Given To Change.'"

 

"Oh,  Minister," Said Mr. Slick,  "You Mis't A Figur At

Our Glorious Revolution,  You Had Ought To Have Held On

To The British; They Would Have Made A Bishop Of You,

And Shoved You Into The House Of Lords,  Black Apron,  Lawn

Sleeves,  Shovel Hat And All,  As Sure As Rates. 'The Right

Reverend,  The Lord Bishop Of Slickville:' Wouldn't It

Look Well On The Back Of A Letter,  Eh? Or Your Signature

To One Sent To Me,  Signed 'Joshua Slickville.' It Sounds

Better,  That,  Than 'Old Minister,' Don't It?"

 

"Oh,  If You Go For To Talk That Way,  Sam,  I Am Done; But

I Will Shew You That The Tories Are The Men To Govern

This Great Nation. A Tory I May Say '_Noscitur A Sociis_.'"

 

"What In Natur Is That,  When It's Biled And The Skin Took

Off?" Asked Mr. Slick.

 

"Why Is It Possible You Don't Know That? Have You Forgotten

That Common Schoolboy Phrase?"

 

"Guess I Do Know; But It Don't Tally Jist Altogether

Nohow,  As It Were. Known As A Socialist,  Isn't It?"

 

"If,  Sir," Said Mr. Hopewell,  With Much Earnestness,  "If

Instead Of Ornamenting Your Conversation With Cant Terms,

And Miserable Slang,  Picked Up From The Lowest Refuse Of

Our Population,  Both East And West,  You Had Cultivated

Your Mind,  And Enriched It With Quotations From Classical

Writers,  You Would Have Been More Like An Attache,  And

Less Like A Peddling Clockmaker Than You Are."

 

"Minister," Said Mr. Slick,  "I Was Only In Jeest,  But

You Are In Airnest. What You Have Said Is Too True For

A Joke,  And I Feel It. I Was Only A Sparrin'; But You

Took Off The Gloves,  And Felt My Short Ribs In A Way That

Has Given Me A Stitch In The Side. It Tante Fair To Kick

That Way Afore You Are Spurred. You've Hurt Me

Considerable."

 

"Sam,  I Am Old,  Narvous,  And Irritable. I Was Wrong To

Speak Unkindly To You,  Very Wrong Indeed,  And I Am Sorry

For It; But Don't Teaze Me No More,  That's A Good Lad;

For I Feel Worse Than You Do About It. I Beg Your Pardon,

I--"

 

"Well," Said Mr. Slick,  "To Get Back To What We Was A

Sayin',  For You Do Talk Like A Book,  That's A Fact;

'_Noscitur A Sociis_,' Says You."

 

"Ay,  'Birds Of A Feather Flock Together,' As The Old

Maxim Goes. Now,  Sam,  Who Supported The Whigs?"

 

"Why,  Let Me See; A Few Of The Lords,  A Few Of The Gentry,

The Repealers,  The Manufacturin' Folks,  The Independents,

The Baptists,  The Dissentin' Scotch,  The Socialists,  The

Radicals,  The Discontented,  And Most Of The Lower Orders,

And So On."

 

"Well,  Who Supported The Tories?"

 

"Why,  The Majority Of The Lords,  The Great Body Of Landed

Gentry,  The Univarsities,  The Whole Of The Church Of

England,  The Whole Of The Methodists,  Amost The Principal

Part Of The Kirk,  The Great Marchants,  Capitalists,

Bankers,  Lawyers,  Army And Navy Officers,  And Soon."

Volume 1 Chapter 9 (Changing A Name) Pg 51

 

"Now Don't Take Your Politics From Me,  Sam,  For I Am No

Politician; But As An American Citizen,  Judge For Yourself,

Which Of Those Two Parties Is Most Likely To Be Right,

Or Which Would You Like To Belong To."

 

"Well,  I Must Say," Replied He,  "I _Do_ Think That The

Larnin',  Piety,  Property,  And Respectability,  Is On The

Tory Side; And Where All Them Things Is United,  Right

Most Commonly Is Found A-Joggin' Along In Company."

 

"Well Now,  Sam,  You Know We Are A Calculatin' People,  A

Commercial People,  A Practical People. Europe Laughs At

Us For It. Perhaps If They Attended Better To Their Own

Financial Affairs,  They Would Be In A Better Situation

To Laugh. But Still We Must Look To Facts And Results.

How Did The Tories,  When They Went Out Of Office,  Leave

The Kingdom?--At Peace?"

 

"Yes,  With All The World."

 

"How Did The Whigs Leave It?"

 

"With Three Wars On Hand,  And One In The Vat A-Brewin'

With America. Every Great Interest Injured,  Some Ruined,

And All Alarmed At The Impendin' Danger--Of National

Bankruptcy."

 

"Well,  Now For Dollars And Cents. How Did The Tories

Leave The Treasury?"

 

"With A Surplus Revenue Of Millions."

 

"How Did The Whigs?"

 

"With A Deficiency That Made The Nation Scratch Their

Head,  And Stare Agin."

 

"I Could Go Through The Details With You,  As Far As My

Imperfect Information Extends,  Or More Imperfect Memory

Would Let Me; But It Is All The Same,  And Always Will

Be,  Here,  In France,  With Us,  In The Colonies,  And

Everywhere Else. Whenever Property,  Talent,  And Virtue

Are All On One Side,  And Only Ignorant Numbers,  With A

Mere Sprinkling Of Property And Talent To Agitate 'Em

And Make Use Of 'Em,  Or Misinformed Or Mistaken Virtue

To Sanction 'Em On The Other Side,  No Honest Man Can Take

Long To Deliberate Which Side