The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) - Thomas Chandler Haliburton (reading well txt) 📗
- Author: Thomas Chandler Haliburton
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Might. Then She Mounted A Ladder And Goes Up Into The
Loft-To Change.
"'Judge' Sais I, 'I Am Sorry, Too, I Singed That Pig's
Tail Arter That Fashion, For The Smell Of Pork Chops
Makes Me Feel Kinder Hungry, And If We Had 'Em, No Soul
Could Eat 'Em Here In Such A Stye As This. But, Dear Me,'
Sais I, 'You'd Better Move, Sir; That Old Woman Is Juicy,
And I See It A Comin' Through The Cracks Of The Floor
Above, Like A Streak Of Molasses.
"'Mr. Slick,' Sais He, 'This Is Dreadful. I Never Saw
Any Thing So Bad Before In All This Country; But What
Can't Be Cured Must Be Endured, I Do Suppose. We Must
Only Be Good-Natured And Do The Best We Can, That's All.
An Emigrant House Is No Place To Stop At, Is It? There
Is A Tin Case,' Sais He, 'Containin' A Cold Tongue And
Some Biscuits, In My Portmanter; Please To Get Them Out.
You Must Act As Butler To-Night, If You Please; For I
Volume 1 Chapter 11 (Cottages) Pg 66Can't Eat Any Thing That Old Woman Touches.'
"So I Spreads One Of His Napkins On The Table, And Gets
Out The Eatables, And Then He Produced A Pocket Pistol,
For He Was A Sensible Man Was The Judge, And We Made A
Small Check, For There Warn't Enough For A Feed.
"Arter That, He Takes Out A Night-Cap, And Fits It On
Tight, And Then Puts On His Cloak, And Wraps The Hood Of
It Close Over His Head, And Foldin' Himself Up In It, He
Went And Laid Down Without Ondressin'. The Lawyer Took
A Stretch For It On The Bench, With His Gig Cushions For
A Pillar, And I Makes Up The Fire, Sits Down On The Chair,
Puts My Legs Up On The Jamb, Draws My Hat Over My Eyes,
And Folds My Arms For Sleep.
"'But Fust And Foremost,' Sais I, 'Aunty, Take A Drop Of
The Strong Waters: Arter Goin' The Whole Hog That Way,
You Must Need Some,' And I Poured Her Out A Stiff Corker
Into One Of Her Mugs, Put Some Sugar And Hot Water To
It, And She Tossed It Off As If She Railly Did Like It.
"'Darn That Pig,' Said She, 'It Is So Poor, Its Back Is
As Sharp As A Knife. It Hurt Me Properly, That's A Fact,
And Has Most Broke My Crupper Bone.' And She Put Her Hand
Behind Her, And Moaned Piteous.
"'Pig Skin,' Sais I, 'Aunty, Is Well Enough When Made
Into A Saddle, But It Ain't Over Pleasant To Ride On Bare
Back That Way,' Sais I, 'Is It? And Them Bristles Ain't
Quite So Soft As Feathers, I Do Suppose.'
"I Thought I Should A Died A Holdin' In Of A Haw Haw That
Way. Stifling A Larf A'most Stifles Oneself, That's A
Fact. I Felt Sorry For Her, Too, But Sorrow Won't Always
Keep You From Larfin', Unless You Be Sorry For Yourself.
So As I Didn't Want To Offend Her I Ups Legs Agin To The
Jam, And Shot My Eyes And Tried To Go To Sleep.
"Well, I Can Snooze Through Most Any Thin', But I Couldn't
Get Much Sleep That Night. The Pigs Kept Close To The
Door, A Shovin' Agin It Every Now And Then, To See All
Was Right For A Dash In, If The Bears Came; And The Geese
Kept Sentry Too Agin The Foxes; And One Old Feller Would
Squake Out "All's Well" Every Five Minuts, As He Marched
Up And Down And Back Agin On The Bankin' Of The House.
"But The Turkeys Was The Wust. They Was Perched Upon The
Lee Side Of The Roof, And Sometimes An Eddy Of Wind Would
Take A Feller Right Slap Off His Legs, And Send Him
Floppin' And Rollin' And Sprawlin' And Screamin' Down To
The Ground, And Then He'd Make Most As Much Fuss A-Gettin'
Up Into Line Agin. They Are Very Fond Of Straight, Lines
Is Turkeys. I Never See An Old Gobbler, With His Gorget,
That I Don't Think Of A Kernel Of A Marchin' Regiment,
And If You'll Listen To Him And Watch Him, He'll Strut
Jist Like One, And Say, 'Halt! Dress!' Oh, He Is A Military
Man Is A Turkey Cock: He Wears Long Spurs, Carries A
Stiff Neck, And Charges At Red Cloth, Like A Trooper.
"Well Then A Little Cowardly Good Natured Cur, That Lodged
In An Empty Flour Barrel, Near The Wood Pile, Gave Out
A Long Doleful Howl, Now And Agin, To Show These Outside
Passengers, If He Couldn't Fight For 'Em, He Could At
All Events Cry For 'Em, And It Ain't Every Goose Has A
Mourner To Her Funeral, That's A Fact, Unless It Be The
Owner.
"In The Mornin' I Wakes Up, And Looks Round For Lawyer,
But He Was Gone. So I Gathers Up The Brans, And Makes
Up The Fire, And Walks Out. The Pigs Didn't Try To Come
In Agin, You May Depend, When They See'd Me; They Didn't
Like The Curlin' Tongs, As Much As Some Folks Do, And
Pigs' Tails Kinder Curl Naterally. But There Was Lawyer
A-Standin' Up By The Grove, Lookin' As Peeked And As
Forlorn, As An Onmated Loon.
"'What's The Matter Of You, Squire?' Sais I. 'You Look
Like A Man That Was Ready To Make A Speech; But Your
Witness Hadn't Come, Or You Hadn't Got No Jury.'
"'Somebody Has Stole My Horse,' Said He.
"Well, I Know'd He Was Near-Sighted, Was Lawyer, And
Couldn't See A Pint Clear Of His Nose, Unless It Was A
Pint O' Law. So I Looks All Round And There Was His
Hoss, A-Standin' On The Bridge, With His Long Tail Hanging
Down Straight At One Eend, And His Long Neck And Head A
Banging Down Straight At T'other Eend, So That You Couldn't
Tell One From T'other Or Which Eend Was Towards You. It
Was A Clear Cold Mornin'. The Storm Was Over And The Wind
Down, And There Was A Frost On The Ground. The Critter
Was Cold I Suppose, And Had Broke The Rope And Walked
Off To Stretch His Legs. It Was A Monstrous Mean Night
To Be Out In, That's Sartain.
"'There Is Your Hoss,' Sais I.
"'Where?' Sais He.
"'Why On The Bridge,' Sais I; "He Has Got His Head Down
And Is A-Lookin' Atween His Fore-Legs To See Where His
Tail Is, For He Is So Cold, I Do Suppose He Can't Feel
It.'
"Well, As Soon As We Could, We Started ; But Afore We
Left, Sais The Judge To Me, 'Mr. Slick,' Sais He, 'Here
Is A Plaister,' Taking Out A Pound Note, 'A Plaister For
Volume 1 Chapter 11 (Cottages) Pg 67The Skin The Pig Rubbed Off Of The Old Woman. Give It To
Her, I Hope It Is Big Enough To Cover It.' And He Fell
Back On The Bed, And Larfed And Coughed, And Coughed And
Larfed, Till The Tears Ran Down His Cheeks.
"Yes," Said Mr. Slick, "Yes, Squire, This Is A Pretty
Cottage Of Marm Hodgins; But We Have Cottages Quite As
Pretty As This, Our Side Of The Water, Arter All. They
Are Not All Like Obi Rafuses, The Immigrant. The Natives
Have Different Guess Places, Where You Might Eat Off The
Floor A'most, All's So Clean. P'raps We Hante The Hedges,
And Flowers, And Vines And Fixin's, And What-Nots."
"Which, Alone," I Said, "Make A Most Important Difference.
No, Mr. Slick', There Is Nothing To Be Compared To This
Little Cottage.
"I Perfectly Agree With You, Squire," Said Mr. Hopewell,
"It Is Quite Unique. There Is Not Only Nothing Equal To
It, But Nothing Of Its Kind At All Like--_An English
Cottage_.
Volume 1 Chapter 12 (Stealing The Hearts Of The People) Pg 68
Shortly After Our Return To The Inn, A Carriage Drove Up
To The Door, And The Cards Of Mr. Merton, And The Reverend
Mr. Homily, Which Were Presented By The Servant, Were
Soon Followed By The Gentlemen Themselves.
Mr. Merton Said He Had Been Informed By Mrs. Hodgins Of
Our Visit To Her Cottage, And From Her Account Of Our
Conversation And Persons, He Was Convinced We Could Be
No Other Than The Party Described In The "Sayings And
Doings Of Mr. Samuel Slick," As About To Visit England
With The Attache. He Expressed Great Pleasure In Having
The Opportunity Of Making Our Acquaintance, And Entreated
Us To Spend A Few Days With Him At The Priory. This
Invitation We Were Unfortunately Compelled To Decline,
In Consequence Of Urgent Business In London, Where Our
Immediate Presence Was Indispensable.
The Rector Then Pressed Mr. Hopewell To Preach For Him,
On The Following Day At The Parish Church, Which He Also
Declined. He Said, That He Had No Sermons With Him, And
That He Had Very Great Objections To Extemporaneous
Preaching, Which He Thought Should Never Be Resorted To
Volume 1 Chapter 12 (Stealing The Hearts Of The People) Pg 69Except In Cases Of Absolute Necessity. He, However, At
Last Consented To Do So, On Condition That Mrs. Hodgins
And Her Husband Attended, And Upon Being Assured That It
Was Their Invariable Custom To Be Present, He Said, He
Thought It Not Impossible, That He Might Make An Impression
Upon _Him_, And As It Was His Maxim Never To Omit An
Opportunity Of Doing Good, He Would With The Blessing Of
God, Make The Attempt.
The Next Day Was Remarkably Fine, And As The Scene Was
New To Me, And Most Probably Will Be So To Most Of My
Colonial Readers, I Shall Endeavour To Describe It With
Some Minuteness.
We Walked To The Church By A Path Over The Hills, And
Heard The Bells Of A Number Of Little Churches, Summoning
The Surrounding Population To The House Of God. The Roads
And The Paths Were
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