The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) - Thomas Chandler Haliburton (reading well txt) 📗

So With The Minister,  Too; For His Preachin'

Is Voluntary Also. He Can Preach Or Lot It Alone,  As He

Likes. It's Voluntary All Through. It's A Bad Rule That

Won't Work Both Ways.'

 

"'Well,' Says I,  'There Is A Good Deal In That,  Too.' I

Said That Just To Lead Him On.

 

"'A Good Deal!' Sais He,  'Why It's Every Thing. But I

Didn't Rest On That Alone; I Propounded This Maxim To

Myself. Every Man,  Sais I,  Is Bound To Sarve His Fellow

Citizens To His Utmost. That's True; Ain't It,  Mr. Slick?'

 

Volume 1 Chapter 14 (The Socdolager) Pg 84

"'Guess So,' Sais I.

 

"'Well Then,  I Asked Myself This Here Question: Can I

Sarve My Fellow Citizens Best By Bein' Minister To Peach

Settlement,  'Tendin' On A Little Village Of Two Thousand

Souls,  And Preachin' My Throat Sore,  Or Bein' Special

Minister To Saint Jimses,  And Sarvin' Our Great Republic

And Its Thirteen Millions? Why,  No Reasonable Man Can

Doubt; So I Give Up Preachin'.'

 

"'Well,' Sais I,  'Abednego,  You Are A Socdolager,  That's

A Fact; You Are A Great Man,  And A Great Scholard. Now

A Great Scholard,  When He Can't Do A Sum The Way It's

Stated,  Jist States It So--He _Can_ Do It. Now The Right

Way To State That Sum Is Arter This Fashion: "Which Is

Best,  To Endeavour To Save The Souls Of Two Thousand

People Under My Spiritual Charge,  Or Let Them Go To Old

Nick And Save A Piece Of Wild Land In Maine,  Get Pay For

An Old Steamer Burnt To Canada,  And Uphold The Slave

Trade For The Interest Of The States.'

 

"'That's Specious,  But Not True,' Said He; 'But It's A

Matter Rather For My Consideration Than Your'n,' And He

Looked As A Feller Does When He Buttons His Trowsers'

Pocket,  As Much As To Say,  You Have No Right To Be A

Puttin' Of Your Pickers And Stealers In There,  That's

Mine. 'We Will Do Better To Be Less Selfish,' Said He,

'And Talk Of Our Great Nation.'

 

"'Well,' Says I,  'How Do We Stand Here In Europe? Do We

Maintain The High Pitch We Had,  Or Do We Sing A Note

Lower Than We Did?'

 

"Well,  He Walked Up And Down The Room,  With His Hands

Onder His Coat-Tails,  For Ever So Long,  Without A Sayin'

Of A Word. At Last,  Sais He,  With A Beautiful Smile That

Was Jist Skin Deep,  For It Played On His Face As A

Cat's-Paw Does On The Calm Waters,  'What Was You A Sayin.'

Of,  Mr. Slick?' Saw He.

 

"'What's Our Position To Europe?' Sais I,  'Jist Now; Is

It Letter A,  No. 1?'

 

"'Oh!' Sais He,  And He Walked Up And Down Agin,  Cypherin'

Like To Himself; And Then Says He,  'I'll Tell You; That

Word Socdolager,  And The Trade Of Preachin',  And

Clockmakin',  It Would He As Well To Sink Here; Neither

On 'Em Convene With Dignity. Don't You Think So?'

 

"'Sartainly,' Sais I; 'It's Only Fit For Talk Over A

Cigar,  Alone. It Don't Always Answer A Good,  Purpose To

Blart Every Thing Out. But Our _Po_Sition,' Says I,  Among

The Nations Of The Airth,  Is It What Our Everlastin'

Union Is Entitled To?'

Volume 1 Chapter 14 (The Socdolager) Pg 85

 

"'Because,' Sais He,  'Some Day When I Am Asked Out To

Dinner,  Some Wag Or Another Of A Lord Will Call Me Parson,

And Ask Me To Crave A Blessin',  Jist To Raise The Larf

Agin Me For Havin' Been A Preacher.'

 

"'If He Does,' Sais I,' Jist Say,  My Attache Does That,

And I'll Jist Up First And Give It To Him Atween The Two

Eyes; And When That's Done,  Sais You,  My Lord,  That's

_Your Grace_ Afore Meat; Pr'aps Your Lordship Will _Return

Thanks_ Arter Dinner. Let Him Try It,  That's All. But

Our Great Nation,' Sais I,  'Tell Me,  Hante That Noble

Stand We Made On The Right Of Sarch,  Raised Us About The

Toploftiest?'

 

"'Oh,' Says He 'Right Of Sarch! Right Of Sarch! I've Been

Tryin' To Sarch My Memory,  But Can't Find It. I Don't

Recollect That Sarmont About Hope Pitchin' Her Tent On

The Hill. When Was It?'

 

"'It Was Afore The Juvenile-United-Democratic-Republican

Association To Funnel Hall,' Sais I.

 

"'Oh,' Says He,  'That Was An Oration--It Was An Oration

That.'

 

"Oh!" Sais I,  "We Won't Say No More About That; I Only

Meant It As A Joke,  And Nothin' More. But Railly Now,

Abednego,  What Is The State Of Our Legation?"

 

"'I Don't See Nothin' Ridikilous,' Sais He,  'In That Are

Expression,  Of Hope Pitchin' Her Tent On A Hill. It's

Figurativ' And Poetic,  But It's Within The Line That

Divides Taste From Bombast. Hope Pitchin' Her Tent On A

Hill! What Is There To Reprehend In That?'

 

"Good Airth And Seas,' Sais I,  'Let's Pitch Hope,  And

Her Tent,  And The Hill,  All To Old Nick In A Heap Together,

And Talk Of Somethin' Else. You Needn't Be So Perkily

Ashamed Of Havin' Preached,  Man. Cromwell Was A Great

Preacher All His Life,  But It Didn't Spile Him As A

Socdolager One Bit,  But Rather Helped Him,  That's A Fact.

How 'Av We Held Our Footin' Here?'

 

"'Not Well,  I Am Grieved To Say,' Sais He; 'Not Well.

The Failure Of The United States' Bank,  The Repudiation

Of Debts By Several Of Our States,  The Foolish Opposition

We Made To The Suppression Of The Slave-Trade,  And Above

All,  The Bad Faith In The Business Of The Boundary Question

Has Lowered Us Down,  Down,  E'en A'most To The Bottom Of

The Shaft.'

 

"'Abednego,' Sais I,  'We Want Somethin' Besides Boastin'

And Talkin' Big; We Want A Dash--A Great Stroke Of Policy.

Volume 1 Chapter 14 (The Socdolager) Pg 86

Washington Hanging Andre That Time,  Gained More Than A

Battle. Jackson By Hanging Arbuthnot And Anbristher,

Gained His Election. M'kennie For Havin' Hanged Them

Three Citizens Will Be Made An Admiral Of Yet,  See If He

Don't. Now If Captain Tyler Had Said,  In His Message To

Congress,  'Any State That Repudiates Its Foreign Debts,

We Will First Fine It In The Whole Amount,  And Then Cut

It Off From Our Great,  Free,  Enlightened,  Moral And

Intellectual Republic,  He Would Have Gained By The Dash

His Next Election,  And Run Up Our Flag To The Mast-Head

In Europe. He Would Have Been Popular To Home,  And

Respected Abroad,  That's As Clear As Mud,'

 

"'He Would Have Done Right,  Sir,  If He Had Done That,'

Said Abednego,  'And The Right Thing Is Always Approved

Of In The Eend,  And Always Esteemed All Through The Piece.

A Dash,  As A Stroke Of Policy,' Said He,  'Has Sometimes

A Good Effect. General Jackson Threatening France With

A War,  If They Didn't Pay The Indemnity,  When He Knew

The King Would Make 'Em Pay It Whether Or No,  Was A

Masterpiece; And General Cass Tellin' France If She Signed

The Right Of Sarch Treaty,  We Would Fight Both Her And

England Together Single-Handed,  Was The Best Move On The

Political Chess-Board,  This Century. All These,  Sir,  Are

Very Well In Their Way,  To Produce An Effect; But There's

A Better Policy Nor All That,  A Far Better Policy,  And

One,  Too,  That Some Of Our States And Legislators,  And

Presidents,  And Socdolagers,  As You Call 'Em,  In My Mind

Have Got To Larn Yet,  Sam.'

 

"'What's That?' Sais I. "For I Don't Believe In My Soul

There Is Nothin' A'most Our Diplomaters Don't Know. They

Are A Body O' Men That Does Honour To Our Great Nation.

What Policy Are You A Indicatin' Of?'

 

"'Why,' Sais He,  '_That Honesty Is The Best Policy_.'

 

"When I Heerd Him Say That,  I Springs Right Up On Eend,

Like A Rope Dancer. 'Give Me Your Hand,  Abednego,' Sais

I; 'You Are A Man,  Every Inch Of You,' And I Squeezed It

So Hard,  It Made His Eyes Water. 'I Always Knowed You

Had An Excellent Head-Piece,' Sais I,  'And Now I See The

Heart Is In The Right Place Too. If You Have Thrown

Preachin' Overboard,  You Have Kept Your Morals For Ballast,

Any How. I Feel Kinder Proud Of You; You Are Jist A Fit

Representat_Ive_ For Our Great Nation. You Are A Socdolager,

That's A Fact. I Approbate Your Notion; It's As Correct

As A Bootjack. For Nations Or Individuals,  It's All The

Same,  Honesty _Is_ The Best Policy,  And No Mistake. That,'

Sais I,  'Is The Hill,  Abednego,  For Hope To Pitch Her

Tent On,  And No Mistake,' And I Put My Finger To My Nose,

And Winked.

 

"'Well,' Sais He,  'It Is; But You Are A Droll Feller,

Volume 1 Chapter 14 (The Socdolager) Pg 87

Slick,  There Is No Standin' Your Jokes. I'll Give You

Leave To Larf If You Like,  But You Must Give Me Leave To

Win If I Can. Good Bye. But Mind,  Sam,  Our Dignity Is At

Stake. Let's Have No More Of Socdolagers,  Or Preachin',

Or Clockmakin',  Or Hope Pitchin' Her Tent. A Word To

The Wise. Good Bye.'

 

"Yes," Said Mr. Slick,  "I Rather Like Abednego's Talk

Myself. I Kinder Think That It Will Be Respectable To Be

Attache To Such A Man As That. But He Is Goin' Out Of

Town For Some Time,  Is The Socdolager. There Is An

Agricultural Dinner,  Where He Has To Make A Conciliation

Speech; And A Scientific Association,  Where There Is A

Piece Of Delicate Brag And A Bit Of Soft Sawder To Do,

And Then There Are Visits To The Nobility,  Peep At

Manufactures,  And All That Sort Of Work,  So He Won't Be

In Town For A Good Spell,  And Until Then,  I Can't Go To

Court,  For He Is To Introduce Me Himself. Pity That,  But

Then It'll Give Me Lots O' Time To Study Human Natur,

That Is,  If There Is Any Of It Left Here,  For I Have Some

Doubts About That. Yes,  He Is An Able Lead Horse,  Is

Abednego; He Is A'most