The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) - Thomas Chandler Haliburton (reading well txt) 📗

Stop Swelled Her Heart So Big,  She Thought

It Would Have Bust Like A Byler; And,  As It Was,  The

Great Endurin' Long Breath She Drew,  Arter Such An Alfired

Escape,  Almost Killed Her At The Ebb,  It Hurt Her So."

 

"But," Said Mr. Hopewell,  "How Did The Ten Commandments

Save Her? Do You Mean That Figuratively,  Or Literally.

Was It Her Reliance On Providence,  Arising From A Conscious

Observance Of The Decalogue All Her Life,  Or Was It A

Book Containing Them,  That Caught Against Some Thing,

And Stopt Her Descent. It Is Very Interesting. Many A

Person,  Sam,  Has Been Saved When At The Brink Of

Destruction,  By Laying Fast Hold On The Bible. Who Can

Doubt,  That The Commandments Had A Divine Origin? Short,

Simple And Yet Comprehensive; The First Four Point To

Our Duty To Our Maker,  The Last Six,  Towards Our Social

Duties. In This Respect There Is A Great Similarity Of

Structure,  To That Excellent Prayer Given Us--"

 

"Oh,  Minister," Said Mr. Slick,  "I Beg Your Pardon,  I

Do,  Indeed,  I Don't Mean That At All; And I Do Declare

And Vow Now,  I Wasn't A Playin' Possum With You,  Nother.

I Won't Do It No More,  I Won't,  Indeed."

 

"Well,  What Did You Mean Then?"

 

"Why I Meant Her Ten Fingers,  To Be Sure. When A Woman

Clapper Claws Her Husband,  We Have A Cant Tarm With Us

Boys Of Slickville,  Savin' She Gave Him Her Ten

Commandments."

 

"And A Very Improper Expression Too,  Sir," Said Mr.

Hopewell; "A Very Irreverent,  Indecent,  And I May Say

Profane Expression; I Am Quite Shocked. But As You Say

You Didn't Mean It,  Are Sorry For It,  And Will Not Repeat

It Again,  I Accept Your Apology,  And Rely On Your Promise.

Go On,  Sir."

 

"Well,  As I Was A Savin',  The Moment She Found Herself

A Coasting Of It That Way,  Flounder Fashion,  She Hung On

By Her Ten Com--I Mean Her Ten Fingers,  And Her Ten Toes,

Like Grim Death To A Dead Nigger,  And It Brought Her Up

Jist In Time. But How To Get Back Was The Question? To

Let Go The Hold Of Any One Hand Was Sartain Death,  And

There Was Nobody To Help Her,  And Yet To Hold On Long

That Way,  She Couldn't,  No How She Could Fix It.

 

"So What Does She Do,  (For Nothin' Equals A Woman For

Contrivances),  But Move One Finger At A Time,  And Then

One Toe At A Time,  Till She Gets A New Hold,  And Then

Crawls Backward,  Like A Span-Worm,  An Inch At A Hitch.

Well,  She Works Her Passage This Way,  Wrong Eend Foremost,

By Backin' Of Her Paddles For The Matter Of Half An Hour

Or So,  Till She Gets To Where It Was Roughish,  And

Somethin' Like Standin' Ground,  When Who Should Come By

But A Tall Handsome Man,  With A Sort Of A Half Coat,  Half

Cloak-Like Coverin' On,  Fastened Round The Waist With A

Belt,  And Havin' A Hood Up,  To Ambush The Head.

 

"The Moment She Clapt Eyes On Him,  She Called To Him For

Help. 'Oh,' Sais She,  'For Heaven's Sake,  Good Man,  Help

Me Up! Jist Take Hold Of My Leg And Draw Me Back,  Will

You,  That's A Good Soul?' And Then She Held Up Fust One

Leg For Him,  And Then The Other,  Most Beseechin',  But

Nothin' Would Move Him. He Jist Stopt,  Looked Back For

A Moment And Then Progressed Agin.

Volume 2 Chapter 13 (Looking Back) Pg 176

"Well,  It Ryled Her Considerable. Her Eyes Actilly Snapped

With Fire,  Like A Hemlock Log At Christmas: (For Nothin'

Makes A Woman So Mad As A Parsonal Slight,  And Them Little

Ankles Of Hern Were Enough To Move The Heart Of A Stone,

And Make It Jump Out O' The Ground,  That's A Fact,  They

Were Such Fine-Spun Glass Ones),  It Made Her So Mad,  It

Gave Her Fresh Strength; And Makin' Two Or Three Onnateral

Efforts,  She Got Clear Back To The Path,  And Sprung Right

Up On Eend,  As Wicked As A She-Bear With A Sore Head.

But When She Got Upright Agin,  She Then See'd What A

Beautiful Frizzle Of A Fix She Was In. She Couldn't Hope

To Climb Far; And,  Indeed,  She Didn't Ambition To; She'd

Had Enough Of That,  For One Spell. But Climbin' Up Was

Nothin',  Compared To Goin' Down Hill Without Her Staff;

So What To Do,  She Didn't Know.

 

"At Last,  A Thought Struck Her. She Intarmined To Make

That Man Help Her,  In Spite Of Him. So She Sprung Forward

For A Space,  Like A Painter,  For Life Or Death,  And Caught

Right Hold Of His Cloak. 'Help--Help Me!' Said She,  'Or

I Shall Go For It,  That's Sartain. Here's My Puss,  My

Rings,  My Watch,  And All I Have Got; But Oh,  Help Me!

For The Love Of God,  Help Me,  Or My Flint Is Fixed For

Good And All.'

 

"With That,  The Man Turned Round,  And Took One Glance At

Her,  As If He Kinder Relented,  And Then,  All At Once,

Wheeled Back Again,  As Amazed As If He Was Jist Born,

Gave An Awful Yell,  And Started Off As Fast As He Could

Clip,  Though That Warn't Very Tall Runnin' Nother,

Considerin' The Ground. But She Warn't To Be Shook Off

That Way. She Held Fast To His Cloak,  Like A Burr To A

Sheep's Tail,  And Raced Arter Him,  Screamin' And Screechin'

Like Mad; And The More She Cried,  The Louder He Yelled,

Till The Mountains All Echoed It And Re-Echoed It,  So

That You Would Have Thought A Thousand Devils Had Broke

Loose,  A'most.

 

"Such A Gettin' Up Stairs You Never Did See.

 

"Well,  They Kept Up This Tantrum For The Space Of Two Or

Three Hundred Yards,  When They Came To A Small,  Low,

Dismal-Lookin' House,  When The Man Gave The Door A Kick,

That Sent The Latch A Flyin' Off To The T'other Eend Of

The Room,  And Fell Right In On The Floor,  On His Face,

As Flat As A Flounder,  A Groanin' And A Moanin' Like Any

Thing,  And Lookin' As Mean As A Critter That Was Sent

For,  And Couldn't Come,  And As Obstinate As A Pine Stump.

 

"'What Ails You?' Sais She,  'To Act Like Old Scratch That

Way? You Ought To Be Ashamed Of Yourself,  To Behave So

To A Woman. What On Airth Is There About Me To Frighten

You So,  You Great Onmannerly,  Onmarciful,  Coward,  You.

Volume 2 Chapter 13 (Looking Back) Pg 177

Come,  Scratch Up,  This Minute.'

 

"Well,  The More She Talked,  The More He Groaned; But The

Devil A Word,  Good Or Bad,  Could She Get Out Of Him At

All. With That,  She Stoops Down,  And Catches Up His

Staff,  And Says She,  'I Have As Great A Mind To Give You

A Jab With This Here Toothpick,  Where Your Mother Used

To Spank You,  As Ever I Had In All My Life. But If You

Want It,  My Old 'Coon,  You Must Come And Get It; For If

You Won't Help Me,  I Shall Help Myself.'

 

"Jist At That Moment,  Her Eyes Being Better Accustomed

To The Dim Light Of The Place,  She See'd A Man,  A Sittin'

At The Fur Eend Of The Room,  With His Back To The Wall,

Larfin' Ready To Kill Himself. He Grinned So,  He Showed

His Corn-Crackers From Ear To Ear. She Said,  He Stript

His Teeth Like A Catamount,  He Look'd So All Mouth.

 

"Well,  That Encouraged Her,  For There Ain't Much Harm In

A Larfin' Man; It's Only Them That Never Larf That's

Fearfulsome. So Sais She 'My Good Man,  Will You He So

Kind As To Lend Me Your Arm Down This Awful Peak,  And I

Will Reward You Handsomely,  You May Depend.'

 

"Well,  He Made No Answer,  Nother; And Thinkin' He Didn't

Onderstand English,  She Tried Him In Italian,  And Then

In Broken French,  And Then Bungled Out A Little German;

But No,  Still No Answer. He Took No More Notice Of Her

And Her Mister,  And Senior,  And Mountsheer,  And Mynheer,

Than If He Never Heerd Them Titles,  But Jist Larfed On.

 

"She Stopped A Minit,  And Looked At Him Full In The Face,

To See What He Meant By All This Ongenteel Behaviour,

When All Of A Sudden,  Jist As She Moved One Step Nearer

To Him,  She Saw He Was A Dead Man,  And Had Been So Long

There,  Part Of The Flesh Had Dropt Off Or Dried Off His

Face; And It Was That That Made Him Grin That Way,  Like

A Fox-Trap. It Was The Bone-House They Was In. The Place

Where Poor,  Benighted,  Snow-Squalled Stragglers,  That

Perish On The Mountains,  Are Located,  For Their Friends

To Come And Get Them,  If They Want 'Em; And If There

Ain't Any Body That Knows 'Em Or Cares For 'Em,  Why They

Are Left There For Ever,  To Dry Into Nothin' But Parchment

And Atomy,  As It's No Joke Diggin' A Grave In That Frozen

Region.

 

"As Soon As She See'd This,  She Never Said Another Blessed

Word,  But Jist Walked Off With The Livin' Man's Pike,

And Began To Poke Her Way Down The Mountain As Careful

As She Cleverly Could,  Dreadful Tired,  And Awful Frighted.

 

"Well,  She Hadn't Gone Far,  Afore She Heard Her Name

Echoed All Round Her--Happy! Happy! Happy! It Seemed From

The Echoes Agin,  As If There Was A Hundred People A

Volume 2 Chapter 13 (Looking Back) Pg 178

Yelling It Put All At Once.

 

"Oh,  Very Happy,' Said She,  'Very Happy,  Indeed; Guess

You'd Find It So If You Was Here. I Know I Should Feel

Very Happy If I Was Out Of It,  That's All; For I Believe,

On My Soul,  This Is Harnted Ground,  And The People In It

Are Possessed. Oh,  If I Was Only To Home,  To Dear Umbagog

Agin,  No Soul Should Ever Ketch Me In This Outlandish

Place Any More,  _I_ Know.'

 

"Well,  The Sound Increased And Increased So,  Like Young

Thunder She Was E'en A'most Skeared To Death,  And In A

Twitteration All Over; And Her Knees Began To Shake So,

She Expected To Go For It Every Minute; When A Sudden

Turn Of The Path Show'd Her Her Husband And The Poor

Squatter A Sarchin' For Her.

 

"She Was So Overcome With Fright And Joy,  She Could Hardly

Speak--And It Warn't A Trifle That Would Toggle Her

Tongue,  That's A Fact. It Was Some Time After She Arrived

At The House Afore She Could Up And Tell The Story

Onderstandable; And When She Did,  She Had To Tell It

Twice Over,  First In Short Hand,  And Then In Long Metre,

Afore She Could Make