Callisto 2.0 - Susan English (sad books to read .txt) 📗

stood up and gave me a hug. “You know you can always talk to me about anything, anytime.”

I squeezed her tightly. “Thank you, Naomi. You’re my best friend.” I released her, and looked at her beautiful face, eyes full of compassion. “How can humans survive without love?”

“In the end, it’s love that matters most.”

I went straight to the lab, relieved to see Hadley hadn’t arrived yet—I didn’t know if I could pretend everything was okay, and I definitely didn’t want to talk about what had happened. Turning on my computer, I opened my favorite online journal, a review of recent advancements in physics, but that was just a pretext. I stared, unseeing, at the screen, my mind light-years away.

When Hadley came in later that morning, I greeted her as I always did, then turned back to my console, pretending to read. Hadley and I often went for days without talking, other than a quick hello in the morning, so, for her, my behavior wasn’t unusual.

I couldn’t think, couldn’t concentrate on anything. When Hadley went for lunch, I sat on our couch, eating energy bars and popping water blobs, my mind numb. In the afternoon, I couldn’t stand staring at my screen any longer. I had to talk to Naomi again.

I made my way down the hall to her lab and peeked inside, wanting to make sure she was alone. She was sitting at her computer, so I opened the door and went in. When she saw it was me, she immediately pushed herself away from her console and headed over to the couch. I followed her, and we sat, facing each other as we had done so many times before.

“How are you feeling?” she asked, taking one of my hands in hers.

“I don’t know.”

She rubbed the top of my hand with her thumb, waiting.

“I don’t know what to do.” I covered my face with my free hand. “What should I do? I’m so ashamed.”

“Oh, Calli, it will be okay.”

“But think about it. I violated the non-disclosure agreement! I told Amélie everything! And Diana specifically asked us not to publish our work on the warp drive.”

“Yes, but—” Naomi paused. I could see her mind was working, and her expression transformed into one of fear. She released my hand and put hers to her mouth.

“I reread the contract, Naomi. It’s grounds for termination.”

“But we’ve all talked about our work. I always tell Simon what I’m up to.”

“I know, but this is different. Amélie was a spy. Her sole purpose was to gather classified information. I don’t know what the endgame is with Hiroki—” I paused for a moment, remembering my conversation with Diana on the Terra-Luna Express so long ago, when she asked me if I believed truly evil people existed in this world. Yes, Diana, they exist—Hiroki is the proof. I took a breath, coming back to the present. “I think I’ve put the Foundation in danger—” I stopped as tears filled my eyes. “I don’t want to lose this job, Naomi. It’s so much more than a job, you know that. I can’t 192

imagine my life anywhere else, doing anything else. I don’t want to leave Shambhala!” I wrapped my arms around myself. “I don’t want to leave you!”

Naomi stared at me. “I don’t want you to leave, either.” Her hands fluttered in her lap, like an injured bird.

“Oh god, Naomi!” I released my arms and pressed a hand to my forehead.

“Remember when Simon was telling us about those protests? He said he saw something else in the newsfeeds … something about the warp drive, remember? I was the leak!

It’s all my fault!”

“We don’t know that,” said Naomi, but I could see she didn’t believe her own words.

Then I thought of Marley at the conference, how anxious she was to get inside of Arcadia. She had known Hadley and I were working on the warp drive, but how? The questions started piling up in my mind. Had Hiroki gotten to her, pressured her? She needed funding for her ion drive. Had she even been attracted to me? It had felt so forced. Not that it mattered. Then there was that man, her ex, following us—was that even real? I thought I had seen a shadow, but my eyes could have been playing tricks with me. I shook my head. I couldn’t process any more information.

“What are you going to do?” asked Naomi.

“I have to tell Diana. I mean, I have to tell her, don’t I?”

“I don’t know.”

“What if I don’t tell her?” I asked, feeling a wave of desperation engulf me. “The world will find out about the warp drive eventually. Like you said, the Foundation is a scientific organization, not a corporation, and Diana didn’t insist we hold off publishing, it was more of a request. But why did she want us to wait? Would it be so bad if I pretended I never got Amélie’s message?”

“Oh, Calli, I’ve no words! Telling Diana is the right thing to do, but I don’t want to lose you! Why don’t you think about it at least for a couple days?”

I took a deep breath as she reached out to me, taking my hands in hers. “Okay, I’ll just sit with it for a while. I’m not thinking clearly, so maybe it’s better to take some time?” I looked at her hopefully.

“Yes, right, take some time.” She squeezed my hands so hard it hurt, but I didn’t flinch. “Perhaps you don’t have to say anything. If Amélie hadn’t reached out, you wouldn’t be aware of this. Your life would be like it was a few days ago.”

“Ignorance is bliss,” I said, a horrible feeling in the pit of stomach.

◆◆◆

The next days went by in a haze. I avoided the dining room, subsisting on energy bars, and went to the gym in the middle of the night. I couldn’t risk seeing Izumi. It wasn’t as if I were sleeping, anyway. Hadley tried to get me to open up—she could see something was wrong—but I told her I was fine, just tired. I wasn’t fooling her, but she respected my privacy, and for that, I was grateful. The only person I could talk to was 193

Naomi, but I started avoiding her, too. I had never felt so alone on Shambhala. I didn’t go to the social that Friday night. Instead, I holed up in my cabin. Early the next morning Elena came to my quarters to see if I was okay, but I sent her away, and spent the day curled up in my bed, sick with grief, shame, and fear. Annie contacted me, asking if she needed to send Gamon to my quarters, saying my cortisol levels were extremely high, but I said no.

Late that night, as I was skulking down the hallway to the gym, I grabbed the railing to stop my motion. I couldn’t live like this any longer. I remembered what Fae had said, about our minds creating stories that amplified our suffering. My mind was going full tilt, and my emotional pain was killing me. I turned around and went to Naomi’s cabin.

Naomi opened the door and pulled me inside with a fierce hug.

I felt the tears well up, but I pushed them down. “I can’t do it.”

“Come, sit down.” She led me to her couch. After we settled in, she said, “I support you. If you choose not to tell them, it’s okay with me.”

I shook my head. “No, that’s not what I meant. I can’t keep on going like this, avoiding everyone, living in fear. The reason I love Shambhala so much is that, for the first time in my life, I feel accepted for who I am, and sneaking around, avoiding everyone ….” I shrugged and wiped my moist eyes with my sleeve. “I may as well be back in my crappy little studio apartment in Los Angeles. This is not how I want to live.”

“But what if you lose your job? What if they make you leave Shambhala?”

“I’m not really here now, so what’s the difference?”

“I know, you’re right. But I’m terrified.”

“Me too. But I have to do it.”

“When will you go talk to her?”

“Tomorrow morning.” I heard the resolution in my voice and felt stronger. “I don’t know what will happen, but I have to face her, I have to accept responsibility for my actions.”

“I love you so much, Calli.” Naomi threw her arms around me.

“Me too, Naomi.”

◆◆◆

At eight a.m. the next morning, I headed to Diana’s office, wondering if this would be my last day on Shambhala. The door was open, and heard Izumi’s raised voice, almost angry. I stopped, not sure what to do.

“Why not?” Izumi was saying. No, not angry. Frustrated.

“Like I told you,” said Diana, “it’s too risky, telling the crew now. We have to stick with the plan.”

“They’re going to find out sooner or later!” Now that was anger.

“Izumi,” Diana’s voice was soft and measured, “let’s not argue about this, okay? Can 194

we wait a little while longer? See what happens? It’s possible things will work out on their own.”

Silently I backed down the corridor, then turned and propelled myself away from the open door. I didn’t want them to think I was eavesdropping—another transgression to add to my list.

Entering the hub, I touched behind my ear. “Annie, locate Naomi for me, please.”

“Naomi is in her lab.”

I touched my transceiver again, breaking contact, and hurried to the lab module. I opened the door to Naomi’s lab and rushed inside.

“Calli! What happened?” Naomi’s eyes were huge. “Did you tell her?”

I shook my head. “Let’s go sit down.”

We went over to the couch, Naomi’s eyes glued to my face. Out of the corner of my eye I caught movement in the mouse condo. I hadn’t seen Aster in over a week, but now was not the time.

“What happened?” asked Naomi.

I told her about the overheard conversation. “I couldn’t interrupt them, Naomi.”

“Oh, of course not.”

“What do you think they were talking about?” I asked.

“I’ve got no idea. What don’t they want us to know? And what