The Hilarious Adventures of the Home Handyman - Jerry Hibbs (free e novels TXT) 📗

Excerpt

The Hilarious Adventures of a Home Handyman

By Jerry Hibbs

 

EXCERPT:

 

“Honey, I need to get some lumber. Let’s go!”

Looking down the store about ½ mile away hangs the sign stating, LUMBER. Let’s get started down there.

“Hi, Sir,” John hears from an “associate”.

“Huh, hello,” John replies.

“Hi, sir,” another one…

“Hmm, hello.”

“Finding everything sir?”

“Ah, yes,” John states.

“Hello sir,” yet another salesman.

“Yes, yes, hello,” John replies slightly confused.

“Afternoon sir.”

“Hello already people!!” John getting irritated now.

Only about ¾ of the way left to go. Man.

“Hi there sir,” comes a pleasant voice from a store employee.

“Hi, hi, hi,” John says again.

“Sir, can I help you find something?”

“I’m good thank you.”

Make no eye contact. Make no eye contact…

“Hey!” from a new store employee.

“Yes?” getting John startled from a store employee.

“HI.”

Really???  Still only half way there…..

 

In between here and there however are numerous other signs of the utmost intrigue. PLUMBING, FASTNERS, HEATING, ELECTRICAL, CABINETS, OH MY GOD…..TOOLS!!!!!!! OH MAN OH MAN, PAINT, CONCRETE.  But the wife. “Honey what’s that, why is that there, what do you need 500 kinds of screws for, is this going to take long, why are there so many tools.”  And then it happens. DÉCOR.  Décor? What the heck is décor doing in a hardware store? That’s curtains and crap, and rugs and mirrors and designer paint…… What the…….!!

 

“Oh dear, I’ll just be in DÉCOR until you’re done, OK? Take your time, dear.”

How could this have happened? It’s seems the corporate giants have turned on the handyman and took away his place of solace, his moment of Zen, his palace of peace, his domain of dominance, and now, women everywhere. What has this world come to? Aren’t there enough bed, bath and whatever’s in the world they need to take over the hardware store? Sad. Not one man was standing in the Décor section. It was like an invisible barrier between men and women. But it does make lemonade out of lemons. What a great place to leave the wife while the handyman gets the real work done. Kind of a darling daycare.

 

 

LUMBER finally…

“Hmmm, hello….,” John mutters looking for an associate…

“Ah anyone…..hello…”

“Could someone help me please?”

There were dozens a minute ago.

Oh, for help push this button.

Over the loud speaker booms,

“Help needed in lumber.”

“Help needed in lumber.”

“Help needed in lumber.”

Ding, ding, ding.

“Oh, that’s cool,” John felt.

“Help needed in lumber.”

“Help needed in lumber.”

“Help needed in lumber.”

Ding, ding, ding.

“Ok, ok that should be enough…,” John states in an irritated manner.

“Help needed in lumber.”

“Help needed in lumber.”

“Help needed in lumber.”

Ding, ding, ding.

“Help needed in paint.”

“Paint!! I’m getting aced out here. I need to push that button again.”

“Help needed in Lumber.”

“Help needed in…”

“Help needed in paint.”

“Help needed in lum…”

“Help needed in Pain….”

Ding, ding, ding.

“Help needed in paint.”

“Help needed in tools.”

Ding, ding, ding.

“TOOLS!!”

“Help needed in paint.”

Ding, ding, ding.

“Help needed…”

“Can any one help me please!!!!!!!!????”

After walking back about ¼ mile to the center of the store again finally.

“Hi sir, can I help you?” ”Yes, can you tell be about the lumber?” John quietly asks.

“I’m sorry you need to speak to someone in lumber for that. Let me get you an associate.”

Pulling out a little phone, “Gary, can you hit the lumber button for me?”

“Sir, someone will meet you in lumber. Thanks!!”

Over the loud speaker

“Help needed in lumber.”

“Help needed in lumber.”

“Help needed in lumber.”

Ding, ding, damn!!

 

LUMBER attempt two.

I needed to take a walk outside for a second to calm down and…. ….Hey, hot dogs!!!! They have hot dogs here!!!

 

While taking a break at the patio furniture display and chowing down some hot dogs until I was stuffed, I watched the pressure washer display and, by god, those are very handy items. Watching the girl there spraying the parking lots and walls and cars, getting them so clean and without any elbow grease, seem like a one heck of a great idea. That has to cut work time down tremendously. I really think that would be a wise investment.

“I’ll take the 2500psi model. Just put that on my ticket. Thanks.”

That will be cool.

Well, I better get back to getting my lumber.

 

“Hey Buddy,” I’m sure not saying sir to this young kid, “……..may I get some help here?”

“Sure, my name is Jimmy. How may I help you?” states the 18 year old so called expert.

“I need some lumber for my basement project.”

“OK,” he replies, “What do you need?”

“Hmm ….Lumber..?” John answered quite annoyed.

“How long do you need it?” he asked very politely.

“Hmm, forever,” John answered with a smirk on his face and a small chuckle.

(This is for the 20 new handymen in the world who have never heard that joke!!)

“I mean what length…8ft, 10ft …” replied the worker in a calm manner.

“Hmm, wall height,” John stammered.

“OK,” started the young salesman. “Fir, cedar, pine, or any of the special varieties, 1x4, 2x4, 4x4,4x6, 4x8,  2x6, 2x8, 2x10, 2x12. 8ft, 10ft 16ft, standard and better, studs, utility grade, pressure treated, appearance grade, finish grade, tight knot, clear, trim ,S3S, S4S, plywood, MDF, OSB, ¼ in, 1/2 in, ¾  blah blah blah ……”

“Hmmm, I’m building a wall,” John suggested. Guess the guy does have a point about picking out the lumber.

“OK, let me help you, do you have a plan?” the young man asks.

“Yes,” John replies handing him the drawing.

After a couple of minutes go by…..

“Here’s your materials list, nails?”

“Yes..?” John kinda answers.

”Do you need nails?”

“I’m still building the walls here so…,” John answers in a confused look.

“Ok, probably sinkers, you have guns??”

“I have a BB gun, why?” John now quite confused answers.

“Nail guns…never mind. Here grab a box of these,” Jimmy states.

“Going into concrete?” questions the store clerk.

“You mean as a profession?” John answers in a daze.

“Are you nailing into concrete, sir?”

“Oh, yes if I can,” John replies now in a completely confused way.

“You can nail or drill, either way you might want to rent some tools for that. I’m betting you don’t have those. Just check with the rental area and they’ll help you out,” Jimmy replies in a very nice and professional way.

“Thank you sir,” John states now knowing the clerk deserved all the respect he could muster.

 

 

 

 

 

Jerry Hibbs has been a general contractor for about 30 years. Being involved in several construction projects and working with several funny people and events.

 

Learn more about Jerry and his books by visiting www.handymanfunny.com

 

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Publication Date: 09-11-2013

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