The New Pun Book by Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey (read 50 shades of grey .TXT) 📗
- Author: Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey
Book online «The New Pun Book by Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey (read 50 shades of grey .TXT) 📗». Author Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey
"'I'll fix that, all right, sir,' he said. 'Front! Take a cat to 23 at once.'"
[149]A recent school examination in England elicited the following definitions:
"Noah's wife," wrote one boy, "was called Joan of Arc." "Water," wrote another, "is composed of two gases, oxygen and cambrigen." "Lava," replied a third youth, "is what the barber puts on your face." "A blizzard," insisted another child, "is the inside of a fowl."
"Why don't you demand $50,000 instead of $5,000?" said the lawyer.
"Oh, because," explained the lady of the breach of promise suit. "Then he might change his mind and want to marry me."
"I'll admit," said Mrs. Hylo, "there are some things I don't know"——
"That's no lie," interrupted her husband.
"But," continued the alleged better half of the combination, "that man doesn't live who can tell me what they are."
[150]"Friend of mine to-day," said Mr. Kidder, "was talking of coming here to board."
"I hope," remarked Mrs. Starvem, "you were pleased to recommend our table and"——
"Sure! Told him it was just the thing for him. He's a pugilist and wants to increase his reach."
An English motorist is quoted as saying that he classed pedestrians as the quick and the dead: those who got out of the way and those who didn't.
"Yes, dear," said the petted young wife, examining her Christmas gift, "these diamond earrings are pretty, but the stones are awfully small."
"Of course, my dear," replied the diplomat husband, "but if they were any larger they'd be all out of proportion to the size of your ears."
[151]Two Irish farmers who had not seen each other for a long time met at a fair. They had a lot of things to tell each other. "Shure, it's married I am," said Murphy. "You don't tell me so," said Moran. "Faix, yes," said Murphy, "an' I've got a fine healthy bhoy which the neighbors say is the very picture of me." Moran looked for a moment at Murphy, who was not, to say the least, remarkable for his good looks, and then said, "Och, well, what's the harum so long as the child's healthy?"
A bashful young couple, who were evidently very much in love, entered a crowded street car in Boston the other day. "Do you suppose we can squeeze in here?" he asked, looking doubtfully at her blushing face.
"Don't you think, dear, we had better wait until we get home?" was the low, embarrassed, reply.
[152]"When the old man is shaking down the furnace, carrying out the ashes, feeding the cat and six kittens, and making the beds," remarked the observer of events and things, "of course he is too busy to hear his daughter in the parlor, singing: 'Everybody Works but Father.'"
"I assured her I could support her in the style she was accustomed to."
"Well?"
"She said she was looking for something better than that."
"Do you believe in transmigration of souls?"
"Well," answered the man who never admits that he doesn't know everything, "I wouldn't recommend it as a regular practice."
"After all, you know," said Mr. Oldbeau, "a man is only as old as he feels"——
"Yes," said Miss Pepprey, "but some old men make the mistake of thinking they are as young as they think they feel."
[153]At a West End hotel one of the party asked:
"Have you got any celery, waiter?"
"No, sir," was the significant answer; "I relies on me tips."
Yeast—Did you ever try to dye eggs?
Crimsonbeak—No, I never did; but I've tried 'em after they were dead.
Had a habit of saying, "Oh, shoot!"
He said it one day
To a man in Ouray,
And that was the finish of Crute.
"How is your house heated?"
"By hot air."
"Hot air?"
"Yes—the landlord's."
[154]"I want to get a head of cabbage," said the man who had been sent to market.
"Large or small head?" asked the grocer.
"Oh, about 7 1-4," said the man, absent-mindedly.
"I'll pass the butter," said he, while trying to pass the browsing goat.
"I'll butt the passer," said the goat, as he helped him over the fence.
"Yes, he's got a flying-machine ready for a trial now and he's trying hard not to be proud?"
"Why shouldn't he be proud?"
"Well, pride goes before a fall, you know."
"He has none of the finer sensibilities, nothing to distinguish him from the common herd."
"No?"
"No, sir. I've heard him confess, out of his own mouth, that all autos smell alike to him."—Puck.
[155]"Why did you insist on only $99,000 a year as your salary?"
"Because," answered the high financier, "as soon as people hear a hundred thousand mentioned they get suspicious. It is better to keep the figure marked down a little."
Tom—I kissed her when she wasn't looking.
Clara—What did she do?
Tom—Kept her eyes closed the rest of the evening.
Jenks—Why on earth did you laugh so heartily at that ancient jest of Borem's?
Wise—In self-defense.
Jenks—in self-defence?
Wise—Yes; if I hadn't laughed so he would have repeated the thing, thinking I hadn't seen the point.
There is as much strength in an egg as in a pound of meat.
Gotabug—I should say so. I've smelt eggs that had more strength than a hundred pounds of beef.
Last night went to view the eclipse.
The moon looked so queer.
He set up a cheer,
The truth was he'd been taking nips.
"For mercy sake, don't put me near old Billions!" said Mrs. Lookyoung to her friend.
"Why not?" said the other. "He's awfully interesting."
"I know it," said Mrs. Lookyoung, "but I never sit next to him at dinner but that he blurts out something like, 'You remember back in the old pioneer days!'"
Where waists were meant to grow,
And everywhere the fashions went
Her waist was sure to go.
"This is an interesting clock, Miss," said the salesman, "you really should have one, especially if you're bothered with tiresome callers."
"It's merely a cuckoo clock, isn't it?" asked Miss May Pechis.
"Yes, but beginning at 10 P.M., instead of saying 'cuck-koo' every quarter hour it yells: 'Go home! Go home!'"
[157]Mike—Yus, poor Sullivan is dead. He hadn't got an enemy in the world.
Pat—What did he die of?
Mike—Oh; he wur killed in a foight.
"You shouldn't drink your whiskey without water."
"Why not?"
"You'll ruin the coat of your stomach."
"Oh, well-it's an old coat, anyhow."
"Why do they make those Oriental pipes with bowls as big as water pitchers?" asked the inquisitive girl.
"Those," answered the wise woman, "are for men who have promised that they will confine their smoking to one pipe after each meal."
The detective at the boarding house table having satisfied himself that nobody had observed him, folded up his magnifying glass and put it back in his pocket.
"Yes," he said to himself, "they've got the same girl they had when I was here two years ago. I recognize her thumb print in the butter."
[158]"Pa, what branches did you take when you went to school?"
"I never went to high school, son, but when I attended the little log school-house they used mostly hickory and beech and willow."
"Did you ever consider the case of the boy who stood on the burning deck?"
"Not particularly. Why?"
"Well, the game was poker and the hand had been dealt from the burning deck was a corker; so, as he didn't want to lose any chances, he—but you see?"
"I don't know as I do."
"Why, he stood pat."
The Governess—What happened when the man killed the goose that laid the golden egg, Margie?
Little Margie—Why, I guess his goose was cooked.
"Our new Congressman has made himself very popular."
"What has he done?"
"Introduced a bill declaring it a penal offence for a man to ask for a haircut or shampoo on Saturday afternoon."
[159]"In my business," said the stock broker, "It is impossible to succeed without pluck."
"Huh!" snorted the man who had been up against it, "you mean 'plucking,' don't you?"
Servant—The plumber says this check should be $5 more.
Castleton—But it's the amount asked for.
"Yes, sir. But you've kept him waitin' for nearly an hour."—Life.
Tom—What's that? A two-dollar bill! You told me this morning that you were broke.
Jack—Well, I want you to understand that Japan isn't the only one that can borrow money.
"Yes, indeed, he's the homeliest man in public life to-day. Haven't you ever seen him?"
"No, but I've seen caricatures of him."
"Oh, they flatter him. You should see him."
[160]SPECIAL RULES FOR GUESTS.
1—Guests are requested not to speak to the dumb waiter.
2—Guests wishing to get up without being called can have self-raising flour for supper.
3—The hotel is supported by a beautiful cemetery; hearses to hire, 25c. a day.
4—Guests wishing to do a little driving will find a hammer and nails in the closet.
5—If the room gets too warm, open the window and see the fire escape.
6—If you're fond of athletics and like good jumping, lift the mattress and see the bed spring.
7—If your lamp goes out, take a feather out of the pillow; that's light enough for any room.
8—Any one troubled with nightmare will find a halter on the bed-post.
9—Don't worry about paying your bill; the house is supported by the foundation.
J. Wise, Prop.
Typographical errors corrected in text:
Page 26: 'that is was' replaced with 'that it was'
Page 28: 'She would he a' replaced with 'She would be a'
Page 35: somethng replaced with something
Page 39: pugulist replaced with pugilist
Page 112: accounttant replaced with accountant
Page 129: Hater replaced with Hayter
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