The New Pun Book by Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey (read 50 shades of grey .TXT) 📗
- Author: Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey
Book online «The New Pun Book by Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey (read 50 shades of grey .TXT) 📗». Author Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey
"Oh, I am troubled with dyspepsia."
"How can that be?"
"I got licked at school 'cause I couldn't spell it."
Mrs. Limberchin—I was so mad last night I couldn't speak.
Mr. L.—And I was away! Just my luck!
—"That Jersey murderer was clever to get off as he did, wasn't he?"
—"What was his plea—insanity?"
—"No, malaria."
"I've been married five years, and I've got a bushel of children."
"How's that?"
"My name is Peck. I've got four children. Don't four pecks make a bushel?"
The weary desert stretched for miles. Stretched for sheer weariness. Not a drop of water was in sight.
Then it was that the traveler had an inspiration.
He wrung his hands.
[33]"Corbett and Fitzsimmons will never fight again."
"Why?"
"Because they can not get gloves to Fitzsimmons."
Askit-What is a convenient fall trip for me to take?
Tellit-You might step on a banana peel or try to balance on a cake of soap at the head of the stairs.
"There is but one thing," said the professor of medicine, gravely, "that we know about death."
"And that is, sir?" queried the student.
"It is always fatal."
"Did you hear about Miss Jones?"
"No. What's up?"
"Why, she eloped with one of the boarders in the hotel."
"Oh, that was only a roomer!"
"When was money first invented?"
"I don't know. When was it?"
"When the dove brought the greenback to Noah."
[34]"What a distinguished looking man."
"Yes, the last time I saw him he was on the bench."
"What, a judge?"
"No; a substitute ball-player."
He—"Didn't you promise to love, honor and obey me?"
She—"Heaven only knows what I promised. I was listening to hear what you promised."
Thin Boarder—"I don't see how you manage to fare so well at this boarding-house. I have industriously courted the landlady and all her daughters, but I'm half-starved."
Fat Boarder—"I court the cook."
"Why should a young man never raise his straw hat to a lady?"
"Because it is never felt."
Jones—"Well, we had an addition to our family yesterday."
Smith—"You don't say so? Boy or girl?"
Jones—"Neither. It's my wife's mother."
[35]Diner—"Hello! waiter, where is that ox-tail soup?"
Waiter—"Coming, sir—half a minute."
Diner—"Confound you! How slow you are."
Waiter—"Fault of the soup, sir. Ox-tail is always behind."
An Irishman was planting shade trees when a passing lady said:
"You're digging out the holes, are you, Mr. Haggerty?"
"No, mum. Oi'm diggin' out the dirt an' lavin' the holes."
Irish foreman, to gang of men in a sewer: "How many men is down in that hole?"
Voice from the sewer: "Three, sorr."
Irish foreman: "Then lave half of yez cum up."
Tramp—"Can't you give a poor man something to eat? I got shot in the war and can't work."
Woman-"Where was you shot?"
"In the spinal column, mum."
"Go 'way! There was no such battle."
[36]"I suppose Barnum went to heaven when he died?"
"Well, he certainly had a good chance. In fact he had the greatest show on earth."
"Why do all bank cashiers run to Canada?"
"Give it up."
"Because that's the only place Toronto."
"Were you attached to the place?"
The actress laughed bitterly.
"I don't know what you'd call it," she rejoined. "The sheriff had all my dresses except a Mother Hubbard."
"If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lobster and ate it, and another guest did the same, what would the latter's telephone number be?"
It would be "8-1-2."
An Irishman quarreling with an Englishman, told him if he didn't hold his tongue he would break his impenetrable head, and let his brains out of his empty skull.
[37]Peters—"Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that popular song?"
Winkle—"Not I."
Peters—"Heavens! How can you stand it?"
Winkle-"I wrote the song."
I'm the champion long distance cornet player. I entered a contest once and I played "Annie Laurie" for three weeks.
Did you win?
No, my opponent played "Stars and Stripes Forever."
"What have you here?" asked the fresh young man of the waiter at a first-class restaurant.
"Everything, sir."
"Everything?" sneeringly, "Have it served at once."
"Hash for one," yelled the waiter.
We feared they'd drop their trays, but later
We learned, somewhat to our dismay,
It takes—as scores of men will say—
A big "tip" to upset a waiter.
[38]"Irish stew," said the restaurant guest.
"Faith, I am Irish, tew," said the waiter.
Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he cared for undressed kids.
Mrs. Tilford of Sorosis—"It must have taken Daniel Webster a long time to compile the dictionary; don't you think so?"
Tilford—"Daniel? You mean Noah, don't you?"
Mrs. Tilford (tartly)—"Now don't be silly. Noah built the ark."
"Is your friend the dentist a society chap?"
"Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings."
"Did you know that Xanthippe, wife of one of the greatest of ancient philosophers, was a great scold?"
"Certainly; but just think what a great tease her husband was."
"A great tease?"
"Yes; Socrates."
[39]The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out. The undertaker lays out his man before he boxes him.
An old-maid being at a loss for a pin-cushion, made use of an onion for the purpose. On the following morning she found all the needles had tears in their eyes.
Brown—Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that hugs a woman without killing her.
Jones—That's nothing. I've often seen a lobster do that.
"Why do you call him 'Mr. Gimlet?' That isn't his name."
"I know. But he's such a bore!"
American—"You have noticed, I suppose, that the balance of trade, so far as your country and ours are concerned, is still in our favor?"
Englishman—"Nothing of the sort, sir. We exchange a worn-out title for a beautiful American heiress almost every day in the year."
[40]Husband—"I am going to buy two little children."
Wife—"Where in the world can you buy them?"
Husband—"Down at the department store."
Wife—"Who put such nonsense into your head?"
Husband—"I saw a big sign in their window to-day, 'Ladies and gents' undressed kids for a dollar.'"
"Your father has a strong box at home, hasn't he, Willie," said the teacher.
"Yes'm," replied Willie; "the one he keeps the limburger in."
"This wireless telegraphy reminds me of a groundless quarrel."
"What possible connection is there between the two?"
"It's practically having words over nothing."
But all such talk is idle gush,
For when we have a debt to pay
To-morrow gets there with a rush.
[41]"Did you go into any of the New York restaurants?"
"No. I got into what I thought was one and I heard a feller call for Saratoga chips and I knew 'twas a gamblin'-den and got out quick."
"The word 'reviver' spells the same backwards and forwards."
It was the frivolous man who spoke.
"Can you think of another?"
The serious man scowled up from his newspaper.
"Tut-tut!" he cried contemptuously.
And they rode on in silence.
I hear they're going to change the name of Central Park to Orchard Park.
Why, how is that?
Well, there are so many pears (pairs) found under the trees.
Tom—"I understand that Cholly went hunting the other day. What did he hit?"
Dick—"Nothing."
Harry—"Why, I heard he shot himself in the foot."
Dick—"That's what I said."
[42]"Two wrongs don't make a right."
"Yes, they do."
"How so?"
"Why, some one passed a counterfeit five-dollar bill on me to-day; that was wrong. I gave it to my landlady for board; that was wrong, but it made me right."
"It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of it in the matrimonial game," declared the big man with a silk hat and a loud suit of clothes.
"How's that?"
"Marriage is always a tie."
An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer "was lying at the point of death," exclaimed: "My Gracious! Won't even death stop that man's lying?"
We mustn't kiss the dainty miss, so scientists affirm;
To pounce upon and "wrastle" us there waits the awful bacillus,
The sempiternal, most infernal omnipresent germ.
[43]"What I like about the Irish is that they are so modest and unassuming."
"Holy smoke!"
"Fact. When an Irishman does anything great he does not go bragging of his ability as another man would. He merely brags about Ireland."
"I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in it."
"Great Scott! That one oyster in the soup joke is old."
"Yes, but this was tomato soup."
"I was at a banquet last night. I just had a lovely time. We had everything a man could wish for."
"Did you have any pale ale?"
"No; we didn't have the pail."
A cement maker advertises that his cement is strong enough to mend the break of day.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
* * * * *
But entre nous, that legend of yore
Only tells half; they cried for more!
[44]"Are you the photographer?"
"Yes sir."
"Do you take children's pictures?"
"Yes sir."
"How much do you charge?"
"Three dollars a dozen."
"Well, I have to see you again. I've only got eleven."
The Man—Edison's a wonder, isn't he?
The Maid—I don't think so! You can't turn his incandescent lights down low.
"When were walking-sticks first invented?"
"When?"
"When Eve presented Adam with a little Cain."
"Pat," said one Catholic friend to another, "how would you like to be buried in a Protestant graveyard?"
"Faith an' I'd die first!"
—No matter how high an awning may be suspended, it is only a shade above the street.
[45]An Irishman, just landed, seeing an electric-motor car running for the first time, exclaimed: "Well, well, Ould Nick must be pullin' it wid a string."
Dame Rumor ought frequently to have her named spelled without the e.
"Where are you working now?"
"I'm working down in a match factory."
"How is business?"
"Light."
An Irish doctor advertises that the deaf may hear of him at a house in Liffey street, where his blind patients may see him from ten till three.
"Where are you going, my pretty maid?"
"Out automobiling, sir," she said.
"May I go with you, my pretty maid?"
"If you can steer the old thing, you may," she said.
A painter, who fell off a scaffold with a pot of paint in each hand said: "well, I came down with flying colors, anyhow."
—[46]"I'm very sorry for that boy. Your scolding cut him to the quick."
—"That's impossible. He has no quick. He's a messenger boy."
A lady one day being in need of some small change called down-stairs to the cook and enquired: "Mary, have you any 'coppers' down there?" "Yes, mum, I've two; but if you please, mum, they're both me cousins," was the unexpected reply.
"When I was eating my dinner to-day the butter ran."
"That's nothing. I was up-town last night and saw a cake walk."
She—"They say that your father is a millionaire. Is it true?"
He—"Yes; and, strange to say, I am one also."
She—"How do you make that out?"
He—"Why, I am the only child, therefore I am a million heir, of course."
Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same amount of real feeling.
[47]Mistress—"I am not quite satisfied with your references."
Applicant—"Naythur am I, mum; but they's the best I could get!"
"What are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see my grandmother is dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her."
"There was a terrible murder in the hotel to-day."
"Was there."
"Yes; a paper-hanger hung a border."
"It must have been a put-up job!"
As man and wife are one, the husband when seated with his wife, must
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