Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum by John Mottley and Joe Miller (best books for students to read .TXT) 📗
- Author: John Mottley and Joe Miller
Book online «Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum by John Mottley and Joe Miller (best books for students to read .TXT) 📗». Author John Mottley and Joe Miller
87. A Parson preaching a tiresome Sermon on Happiness or Bliss; when he had done, a Gentleman told him, he had forgot one Sort of Happiness: Happy are they that did not hear your Sermon.
88. A Country-Fellow who was just come to London, gaping about in every Shop he came to, at last looked into a Scrivener's, where seeing only one Man sitting at a Desk, he could not imagine what Commodity was sold there, but calling to the Clerk, pray, Sir, said he, what do you sell here? Loggerheads, cry'd the other, do you, answer'd the Countryman, Egad then you've a special Trade, for I see you have but one left.
89. Manners, who was himself but lately made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas Moor, he was too much elated by his Preferment, that he verify'd the old Proverb,
Honores mutant Mores.
No, my Lord, said Sir Thomas, the Pun will do much better in English:
Honours change Manners.
90. A Nobleman having chose a very illiterate Person for his Library Keeper, one said it was like a Seraglio kept by an Eunuch.
91. A Mayor of Yarmouth, in ancient Times, being by his Office a Justice of the Peace, and one who was willing to dispense the Laws wisely, tho' he could hardly read, got him the Statute-Book, where finding a Law against firing a Beacon, or causing any Beacon to be fired, after nine of the Clock at Night, the poor Man read it frying of Bacon, or causing any Bacon to be fryed; and accordingly went out the next Night upon the Scent, and being directed by his Nose, to the Carrier's House, he found the Man and his Wife both frying of Bacon, the Husband holding the Pan while the Wife turned it: Being thus caught in the Fact, and having nothing to say for themselves, his Worship committed them both to Jail, without Bail or Mainprize.
92. The late facetious Mr. Spiller, being at the Rehearsal, on a Saturday Morning, the Time when the Actors are usually paid, was asking another, whether Mr. Wood, the Treasurer of the House, had any Thing to say to them that Morning; no, faith, Jemmy, reply'd the other, I'm afraid there's no Cole, which is a cant Word for Money; by G—d, said Spiller, if there is no Cole we must burn Wood.
93. A witty Knave coming into a Lace-Shop upon Ludgate-Hill, said, he had Occasion for a small Quantity of very fine Lace, and having pitched upon that he liked, asked the Woman of the Shop, how much she would have, for as much as would reach from one of his Ears to the other, and measure which Way she pleased, either over his Head or under his Chin; after some Words, they agreed, and he paid the Money down, and began to measure, saying, One of my Ears is here, and the other is nailed to the Pillory in Bristol, therefore, I fear you have not enough to make good your Bargain; however, I will take this Piece in part, and desire you will provide the rest with all Expedition.
94. When Sir Cloudsly Shovel set out on his last Expedition, there was a Form of Prayer, composed by the Archbishop of Canterbury, for the Success of the Fleet, in which his Grace made Use of this unlucky Expression, that he begged God would be a Rock of Defence to the Fleet, which occasioned the following Lines to be made upon the Monument, set up for him, in Westminster-Abbey, he being cast away in that Expedition, on the Rocks call'd, the Bishop and his Clerks.
As Lambeth pray'd, such was the dire Event,
Else had we wanted now this Monument;
That God unto our Fleet would be a Rock,
Nor did kind Heav'n, the wise Petition mock;
To what the Metropolitan said then,
The Bishop and his Clerks reply'd, Amen.
95. A French Marquis being once at Dinner at Roger Williams's, the famous Punster and Publican, and boasting of the happy Genius of his Nation, in projecting all the fine Modes and Fashions, particularly the Ruffle, which he said, was de fine Ornament to de Hand, and had been followed by all de oder Nations: Roger, allowed what he said, but observed, at the same Time, that the English, according to Custom, had made a great Improvement upon their Invention, by adding the Shirt to it.
96. A poor dirty Shoe-Boy going into a Church, one Sunday Evening, and seeing the Parish-Boys standing in a Row, upon a Bench to be catechized, he gets up himself, and stands in the very first Place, so the Parson of Course beginning with him, asked him, What is your Name? Rugged and Tough, answered he, who gave you that Name? says Domine: Why the Boys in our Alley, reply'd poor Rugged and Tough, Lord d—mn them.
97. A Prince laughing at one of his Courtiers whom he had employed in several Embassies, told him, he looked like an Owl. I know not, answered the Courtier, what I look like; but this I know, that I have had the Honour several Times to represent your Majesty's Person.
98. A Venetian Ambassador going to the Court of Rome, passed through Florence, where he went to pay his Respects to the late Duke of Tuscany. The Duke complaining to him of the Ambassador the State of Venice had sent him, as a Man unworthy of his Publick Character; Your Highness, said he, must not wonder at it, for we have many Idle Pates, at Venice. So have we, reply'd the Duke, in Florence; but we don't send them to treat of Publick Affairs.
99. A Lady's Age happening to be questioned, she affirmed, she was but Forty, and call'd upon a Gentleman that was in Company for his Opinion; Cousin, said she, do you believe I am in the Right, when I say I am but Forty? I ought not to dispute it, Madam, reply'd he, for I have heard you say so these ten Years.
100. It being proved in a Trial at Guild-Hall, that a Man's Name was really Inch, who pretended that it was Linch, I see, said the Judge, the old Proverb is verified in this Man, who being allowed an Inch took an L.
101. A certain Person came to a Cardinal in Rome, and told him that he had brought his Eminence a dainty white Palfrey, but he fell lame by the Way; saith the Cardinal to him, I'll tell thee what thou shalt do, go to such a Cardinal, and such a one, naming half a Dozen, and tell them the same, and so as thy Horse, if it had been sound, could have pleas'd but one, with this lame Horse thou shalt please half a Dozen.
102. A prodigal Gallant (whose penurious Mother being lately dead, had left him a plentiful Estate) one Day being on his Frolicks, quarrell'd with his Coachman, and said, you damn'd Son of a Whore, I'll kick you into Hell; to which the Coachman answer'd, if you kick me into Hell, I'll tell your Mother how extravagantly you spend your Estate here upon Earth.
103. The Emperor Augustus, being shewn a young Grecian, who very much resembled him, asked the young Man if his Mother had not been at Rome: No, Sir, answer'd the Grecian but my Father has.
104. Cato the Censor being ask'd, how it came to pass, that he had no Statue erected for him, who had so well deserved of the Common-Wealth? I had rather, said he, have this Question asked, than why I had one.
105. A Lady coming into a Room hastily, with her Mantua, brush'd down a Cremona Fiddle, that lay on a Chair, and broke it, upon which a Gentleman that was present burst into this Exclamation from Virgil:
Mantua væ miseræ nimium Vicina Cremona.
Ah miserable Mantua too near a Neighbour to Cremona.
106. A devout Gentleman, being very earnest in his Prayers, in the Church, it happened that a Pick-Pocket being near him, stole away his Watch, who having ended his Prayers, mist it, and complained to his Friend, that his Watch was lost, while he was at Prayers; to which his friend reply'd, Had you watch'd as well as pray'd, your Watch had been secure, adding these following Lines.
He that a Watch will wear, this must he do,
Pocket his Watch, and watch his Pocket too.
107. George Ch——n, who was always accounted a very blunt Speaker, asking a young Lady one Day, what it was o'Clock, and she telling him her Watch stood, I don't wonder at that, Madam, said he, when it is so near your ——.
108. A modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her Mother to accuse her Husband of Defect, and being in the Court, she humbly desired of the Judge, that she might write her Mind, and not be obliged to speak it, for Modesty's sake; the Judge gave her that Liberty, and a Clerk was immediately commanded to give her Pen, Ink, and Paper, whereupon she took the Pen without dipping it into the Ink, and made as if she would write; says the Clerk to her, Madam, there is no Ink in your Pen. Truly, Sir, says she, that's just my Case, and therefore I need not explain myself any further.
109. A Lieutenant Colonel to one of the Irish Regiments, in the French Service, being dispatched by the Duke of Berwick, from Fort Kehl, to the King of France, with a Complaint, relating to some Irregularities, that had happened in the Regiment; his Majesty, with some Emotion of Mind, told him, That the Irish Troops gave him more Uneasiness than all his Forces besides. Sir, (says the Officer) all your Majesty's Enemies make the same Complaint.
110. Mr. G——n, the Surgeon being sent for to a Gentleman, who had just received a slight Wound in a Rencounter, gave Orders to his Servant to go Home with all haste imaginable, and fetch a certain Plaister; the Patient turning a little Pale, Lord, Sir, said he, I hope there is no Danger. Yes, indeed is there, answered the Surgeon, for if the Fellow don't set up a good pair of Heels, the Wound will heal before he returns.
111. Not many Years ago, a certain Temporal Peer, having in a most pathetick and elaborate Speech, exposed the Vices and Irregularities of the Clergy, and vindicated the Gentlemen of the Army from some Imputations unjustly laid upon them: A Prelate, irritated at the Nature, as well as the Length of the Speech, desired to know when the Noble Lord would leave off preaching. The other answer'd, The very Day he was made a Bishop.
112. It chanc'd that a Merchant Ship was so violently tossed in a Storm at Sea that all despairing of Safety, betook themselves to Prayer, saving one Mariner, who was ever wishing to see two Stars: Oh! said he, that I could but see two Stars, or but one of the Two, and of these Words he made so frequent Repetition, that, disturbing the Meditations of the rest, at length one asked him, what two Stars, or what one Star he meant? To whom he reply'd, O! that I could but see the Star in Cheapside, or the Star in Coleman-street, I care not which.
113. A Country Fellow subpœena'd for a Witness upon a Trial on an Action of Defamation, he being sworn, the Judge had him repeat the very same Words he had heard spoken; the Fellow was loath to speak, but humm'd and haw'd for a good Space, but being urged by the Judge, he at last spoke, My Lord, said he, You are a Cuckold: The Judge seeing the People begin to laugh, called to him, and had him speak to the Jury, there were twelve of them.
114. A Courtier, who was a Confident of the Amours of Henry IV. of France, obtained a Grant from the King, for the Dispatch whereof he applyed himself to the Lord High Chancellor: Who finding some Obstacle in it, the Courtier still insisted upon it, and would not allow of any Impediment, Que chacun se mêle de son Metier, said the Chancellor to him; that is,
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